I'm in awe of all you accomplish.  I'm a lazy slug and don't care tho I keep the house going, oversee Mom100's care including her finances, shopping plus twice weekly visits, oversee DH86 with his finances, appointments, medical issues and oncoming dementia and, now, attend my own physical therapy appts.

DH and, more irritatingly, SD61, imply I don't do much here.  What they mean is they don't see me scrubbing, weeding and other physical tasks.   They're right, I either pay to have them done or do things while DH naps so I don't have to put up with his supervision.

It's a weird way of thinking, "If you're not physically working, you're not accomplishing anything".  SD, in particular, has this mindset.  Ok, no problem, I guess I've always been lazy except I raised 5 kids, had a 33-year career and earned a bachelor's degree.  What did you do, SD?

Thinktwice, you're my hero, I don't know how you do it all 

Chef is delusional. You do too much for him.

You know that shiny new will you just made? The one where Chef gets a life estate in the house? A couple more implications like that and Chef's ass should be on the curb instead. 

Youi tend to appreciate things more when you aren't getting any of them (e.g. air, sex, etc.) so stop doing all the stuff you do other than what will actually serve you. See how long it takes him to notice. 

Not less. He needs to do the cooking and helping out.

Even your slow days out runs my fastest. I am in awe of you. 

I'm trying to find a nice way to say what Chef should go do to himself but I'll go with stick a blender up his ... and turn it on full speed. 

GRRRR - I hate that crap. I hate that he said that to you.

I know we all have our own POV and can't see what other people do all day with their time. I am sure we all think WE have it the hardest.

However, I just faced a similar accusation from my BF of 4 years.

My family and I have been inundated with issues this year which started with the family dog (elderly) dying from accidental poisoning in the spring. Then, my 2 older children were both laid off from their jobs in the month of June. My cat suffered a near fatal abscess after our other cat bit him. He's old and his kidneys are failing so his recovery has been slow. My primary car bit the dust a couple weeks ago - died on the side of the highway just as I was about to sell my cute little convertible. It's been a lot of stress because I live 2.5 hours away from my job and need a reliable car to go into work twice a month as well as tend to my airbnb that is 90 minutes away. I could have driven the cute 12 year old convertible, but it's impractical and very expensive to repair.

Last week, my 33 yr old son was sent to the ER with BP of 240/?? and was admitted for 2 nights. I went down to be with him because there was no other family. I was also in the midst of purchasing a reliable primary car, so when I got him home from the hospital and settled at my other house, I got up at the crack of dawn last Friday to drive up and drive another Honda CRV. I put a deposit on it and my BF agreed to drive me up next week to pick it up.

I was scheduled to leave on a 4-day bike packing trip on Saturday, but I digress.

I get home from my odyssey emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and ask my partner to take a nap with me so we can cuddle up before I go out of town. He turns me down and says he's exhausted from working in the yard and the house to prepare for my two friends who were spending the night before our bike packing trip. I'd like to note I did NOT ask him to do a THING to prepare for their visit. The only thing I planned to do was make sure the beds were ready and scrub the tub and shower curtain. I told him I would do that when I got home, but he did it.

He was all butt hurt and chilly when I got home. And after turning me down for the cuddling that would have helped us both so much, he accused me of being angry with him. I said I wasn't - I was exhausted.

On the way to the grocery store, he dropped it on me that he wasn't going to be able to take me to get my car because his mom had a dr. appt that day. He said he MIGHT be back by Thursday or Friday but couldn't commit. Since his mom's drs appointments are usually not critical and she changes them on a whim, I told him I was disappointed that he wasn't able to commit to being back by Friday afternoon at the latest.

He lost it with me and said that he was tired of helping EVERYONE. Tired of helping me. Tired of helping his mom. And no one ever thinks about what he needs or helping him.

He basically accused me of taking him for granted. And when I reminded him that I rarely ask him for his help, but also asked him if he was the same guy who 3 weeks ago praised me endlessly for dropping everything to HELP HIM when he was stranded in New Hampshire with a broken down vehicle. The same person who praised me so much for having his back that he wanted to be there for me and wanted to really help me with my new vehicle search.

He said he would never ask me for help again because I "threw it in his face." Which I did not. I merely pointed out the flaw in his statement.

I do not understand how he got into a mental space where he was the person being taken advantage of. I am fiercely independent and do not demand any more than the bare minimum from him.

How can people have such a skewed perspective?

At the end of the day, just run down that list (the time it took for each task, and the $$$ amount if you hired it out) then tell him you're too tired for sex. 

Call him up EVERY time you complete a task. Make a huge big deal about it, like you solved the problems to end world hunger. So he will get the point of how much work you're doing/be more appreciative/step in to help you.

I'm sorry but he doen't want the "liability" of someone working/doing manual labor for him but he has no qualms seeing YOU (as a recovering from serious illness elderly woman...respectfully) working/doing manual labor for him (which is more of a liability than hiring out....unless he doesn't care about losing you so he can file an insurance claim and be treating his next wife off your life insurance money)

That's why you hire licensed contractor who have insurance and that's what you have home owners insurance for (if someone gets injured on your property you simply file a claim). And insurance is extremely affordable and y'all probably already have it. Your health is more important than a man's cheap antics.

The truth is he does not want to PAY someone if he can get his free work mule, I mean wife, to do it. Why he'd rather let his recovering wife do the grunt work instead of himself/some eager young men to do it comes down to money. 

He either needs to pay someone, pay you, or get off his duff and do it himself. 

If you know he won't do it.....take him off the beneficiary list of your life insurance because if your work yourself into an early grave because of him, he shouldn't financially benefit. If he wan't to be cheap now, he'll be living cheap later too.

Your husband is an asshole and you deserve far better.

You and Chef aren’t married right?  Honestly he’s an opportunist who found himself a woman to take care of him and has effectively made you believe you aren’t enough.  He knows you are better than him and that he needs you more than you need him, which is why he constantly gaslights you into thinking you are the problem.

Evil Aniki would like to give Chef a Double Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch. Unlikely it will dislodge Chef's fat head from his posterior, but it's worth a shot. 

"Two people live here, and you're one of them."

or

"Are your arms broken?"

Chef is a clown. He can imply all day long but it doesn't make it true. 

JUST SAY NO....Do it yourself,... Hire someone....you need a gardener...... Go to Hel*.   

See how he learns instantly that white collar skills are every bit as  critical as blue collar skills.

There is a reason why blue collar workers generally work for white collar workers.  One has discrete training progressions to work through and discrete skills to master.  The other has continuously changing systems, environments, and variables ot navigate.

I have absolute respect for skilled trades workers.  They are incredibly tallented.  I have made a very good career out of leading blue collar service businesses.  I cannot do what I do without skilled trades workers. The crafts people who are the core of my businesses are awe inspiring.

However, managing the profitability of blue collar service industries is not an easy thing to do and requires skills just as critical as performing the trades.  My specialty is industrial maintenance organizational leadership.  Understanding of broad industry best practices, knowledge of preventative, predictive, condition based maintenance practices, computer based maintenance management systems (CMMS), FMEA, RCA, MTBF, MTTR, OEE, Equipment & Material criticality,  maintenance P&S, integration with the S&OP processes, partnerong with operations, etc......

A related business cannot succeed without both blue and white collar roles.  Whether that business operates in the residential space, commercial space, or industrial space.  Effective collaboration between the blue collar workers and white collar workers keeps everyone working and earning.  People who do not value the contribution of their co-workers, regardless of the color of the collar they work under, are not worthy of investing in the development of.

IMHO of course.

I know there is a complicated back story as to why you don't want to leave him, but I can not understand why you continue to stay with him. He doesn't appreciate you and apparently you still have to do all the physical labor in addition to all of the non-physical stuff. What does he ever do?

I deal with similar stuff although I refuse to do manual work because I do a lot already. Exes never worked or contributed a penny to the household and he was helping them with housework while staying at home. He went so far as to continue paying all bills after he separated from BM2 who ran out utilities and all kinds of stuff while telling him there will be a reunion until she found his replacement lol

We are truly punished for their history. For years I contributed financially and always made sure to work but I drew the line a few years ago and will not help financially anymore. When I cant keep up between work and housework or I decide to sleep in, i am told that i am lazy. I told him that it was rich when his exes never worked a day and he said they were "self employed". I responded that I didnt know sex work and day drinking were businesses but if you put it that way, I understand lol

I honestly quit caring. I let them wreck the house and I will only clean up when I have the energy for it. Not a dime comes from my account to support anything and thats how it will remain...

I dont want to offend you because I am in the same boat but I think our husbands might treat us like that because they are making us pay and also because they dont really love us like they did with exes. Thats my theory but I could be wrong who knows. Who cares! What matters is that you have yourself and if you dont want to do anything or are tired, never force yourself. Relax and let go!