Weird mix of feelings.
This weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada. DH and I are hosting my family for dinner on Saturday. DH's sister is hosting dinner for their family as well. And we haven't been invited . This is a first and I'm thrilled about it. It means there's no decision for us to make and no guilt or second thoughts about that decision. It means a peaceful gathering with my extended family without the backdrop of DH's family drama.
But DH is sad about it. The last time he communicated with his family (his uncle), he said he just wanted everyone to leave him alone. So I guess they are. But they're doing it in a shitty way. If I were in their shoes, I would have told him where TG dinner was going to be this year (they take turns in his family) amd make it clear that he is wanted there and will be missed, but also put zero pressure on him to attend Nd and let him know I understood why he wouldn't be there. Their toxic way of handling this is "you want to be left alone? Okay f-you". He's slowly coming to terms with who they are, but it's really hard to watch.
Quick update on engagement party fall out: both DH and I gave statements to police about his ex's behaviour and we were told that she would be contacted and "cautioned" on criminal harrassment and lying to police. I'm waiting for a copy of the police report for more specifics.
- Sadielady's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'm sorry he's sad, but if
I'm sorry he's sad, but if someone told me to leave them alone......I would. And if I was the person who asked to be left alone, I wouldn't think it petty if they didn't invite me to Thanksgiving.
If he had asked for some space for a time, I could see them reaching out to invite him. But it's totally appropriate for them to actually leave him alone if he asked for it.
I agree here. He refused to
I agree here. He refused to attend an important event for his son. Drama ensued... you got in the middle of the communication and things got blown out of proportion.. police visit involved etc..
Nothing has been resolved or reconciled.. you have encouraged him to potentialy fire another salvo over the fence at their mother.. via a police report.. which you already know will further ramp things up.
There is zero reason he should expect to be invited to celebrate with a family that he has told to leave him alone.
Suffice to say.. he is going to have to make ammends with his kids and relatives before he would be welcome I'm fairly certain.. and there is blame on both sides over how things were handled.. and if he wants back "in" to the family he told to leave him alone.. he will have to craft that first olive branch.
At this point.. celebrate with your family.. that is the family you have now. .for what it's worth.
To clarify, he asked that
To clarify, he asked that they leave him alone "for awhile" to give us time to heal from everything that's happened. That's all we've asking of them for the past year. He's told all family members that he needs them to not disrespect me, my kids, and our relationship. He (and I) feel like that's a pretty low bar and it's upsetting to him that he's not worth that effort. He and SS have met and spoken since the engagement party, and they're relationship is stable. I have a couple of friends who never come to social events I host because they have social anxiety. I still include them in every invitation and let them know that I don't expect them to attend but never want them to feel like they aren't part of my inner circle and/or that I've given up on them.
Regarding the ex, it was a very difficult decision and I looked at many other options. I consulted with lawyers and police officers. At the of the day, I work with children and that means that I have to submit "vulnerable sector police checks" to my employers and potential employers. These checks report *every* interaction with police and thanks to ex, there's now a police report with my name on it, saying that his well being was questioned by his family and strong implications that I am a threat to his wellbeing. Filing our own report, and having her cautioned, ensures that the other side of the story is included and that we provided evidence that she lied. Believe me, involving the police would never have been my choice and I was clear about that when I first spoke about the incident here and many STers encouraged me to report her. Further involvement from police is a natural consequence to the ex'a behaviour, not an attempt to "fire another salvo" and tbh, I resent that interpretation.
The problem with the
The problem with the interpretation is I am telling you how they will view it. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. You feel the report is vital to protecting your employement.. the fallout may be more family drama... that's the reality.. fair or not.
It sounds like there is very much still an air of unreconciled issues out there despite some communication between his son and himself... and his family may assume that either the invite would be unwelcome.. or that they don't believe that you and he could attend without it resulting in more drama at the event.. and they are setting their boundary by not inviting it into their home.
If he wanted to be invited.. maybe he needed to reach out and ask if you and he would be welcome? Has he repaired any relationships with the other family members?.. have you? it honestly sounds like it is still too soon.. and it's not fully settled.
He asked for time.. they are giving him time.. he should not be interpreting their actions as hurtful unless he feels these people are intentionally hurtful people.. in which case.. good riddance..
I would also point out that
I would also point out that your DH has, as relayed by you in prior posts, be fairly estranged with many of his family members even prior to the engagement party. He also has been a crap communicator and has allowed others to communicate on his behalf with his family which has often caused issues in itself.. up to and including the latest re the engagement party. I guess his son hoped that he would be able to suck it up and be civil in order to celebrate his engagement and welcome his future wife into his family. I can see that when you contacted his other relative and brought up needing support perhaps against or at least to buffer with his sister.. it felt to SS like you were maybe not going to be able to attend without drama they could forsee.. so they didn't want you there.
I think you probably have a tendency to over communicate.. and your Dh has a tendency to either not communicate.. or let you do it for him.. That gives the impression to others that you ARE controlling him... whether that is the truth or not. It's also the reason your name ended up in the police report since your DH refused to look at his texts.. and you inserted yourself into it and started communicating with family.. and in a way that they felt was perhaps concerning... though was likely magnified By BM.
I think your DH needs to start managing his own relationship with his family.. on his own terms.. and with his own words. If he is man enough to make the decisions.. he is man enough to face the emotional music.. and any attempt by you to "help him through".. is just misinterpreted as it is your decision.. and you are controlling him.. which is not what you want... or likely intend.. but that is how they take it.
I understand his family is dificult. I understand his Ex is a pain.. but it isn't helping to have you do his "dirty work".. he is going to have to take the bull by the horns himself.. you can hold his hand.. you can tell him you love him.. but you can't fix his relationships with his family. And.. if I were you.. I would probably decline attending anything with these people anyway.. why would you want to be part of THAT club? lol.
I hear what you're saying. I
I hear what you're saying. I'm not trying to fix anything. I've known for quite a while now that I can't do that, and that I don't want to do that. You're correct that it's not a club I want to be apart of. My goal now is to support my DH. He needed me to field the texts on the engagment party weekend (I know some will say he didn't "need" that, but no one else is in a position to know what he needs better than he is). I knew it would piss the family off and didn't care. That's just it. I'm not making decisions based on the family's reactions. I feel certain that fhey'll be pissed off about the police reports (if they even know, I'm not sure I'd be in hurry to tell the family that part if I was the ex), but I don't care. The family has made up their mind about me and I know that nothing I do or say will change that. So I'm doing what's best for me and my marriage. There's no reconciliation in the future. They'll be passive tolerance of his relationship with SS (and with SD if she ever comes back around) but that's it.
ESMOD has said it all. But do
ESMOD has said it all.
But do you really think that your police report had "fixed" and cleared your name?
If I were a potential employer and I read an information police report where you are not listed as a suspect of crime and there is a zero crime in it (just a little dramatic ex wife where your name is mentioned), I would not give it a second look. But now we have two reports and one of them was filed by you. A deeper drama, voice mails, messages, statements who is right and who is wrong, clarifying who texted and what, what calls were made, times, days and on and on...That's a lot of drama you are somehow voluntarily involved into.
I don't know. I hope it was for best.
There arw different kinds of
There arw different kinds of police checks. Vulnerable sector checks are the highest level. A potential employer deciding between me and 5-6 orher candidates, would absolutely be swayed by the kind of report the ex made. And I could explain that the report was based on lies, but why would they believe that? The second report clarifies that. I'm not being dramatic. I work with students who have special needs. Many of them with delayed development and unable to communicate verbally. There can be no question about my character. And while I hate that this is now an issue at all, I would much rather an employer know that my husband's ex is unstable vs them having any doubt regarding my being a potential risk to my clients.
Really? So what, she should
Really? So what, she should have just done nothing when the cops came knocking for a wellness check? She may not have fixed things with his family but she was worried about her job or any future potential employer. His family doesn't give a rip. They'd probably dance a jig if she lost her job over this or couldn't get future employment over this. They are not worth her employment or future employment being impacted.
She and her husband were not obligated to attend the engagement party. An invitation isn't a summons. It would have been a big drama fest or a big awkward fest. A good time would NOT have been had by all. Did OP do everything right? No, but it's too late for that now. What's done is done.
OP it's normal for your husband to feel how he feels. It's his family we're talking about here. Just don't let him take anything out on you. If he'd stepped up a long time ago then maybe you guys wouldn't be in this mess. His family sounds like a bunch of drama queens and nothing short of bowing to their every single demand is going to make them happy. Even still, it wouldn't make them like either one of you any more than they do. It sounds like they not only dislike you, but him too. Why waste your time with people like that?
Thank you PetSpoiler. My DH
Thank you PetSpoiler. My DH definitely should have stepped up sooner but he owns that now, and through all of this, he's never made me feel like it's my fault. He's a good man from a seriously dysfunctional family who, until about 18 months ago, he truly thought were his "people". It's a lot to lose, even if he never really had it, because he thought he did. (I did too tbh)
While I understand your DH
While I understand your DH being sad he did ask for them to leave him alone and they are complying. I mean are they supposed to extend the invitation knowing most of them are blocked, just so he can respond with, “what part of leaving me alone don’t you understand?” While his feelings are valid he does need to address and accept that they are complying with his own wishes, and if that upsets him then he needs to consider if he truly wants to be left alone, or if he wants the ability to pick and choose how he is involved with the family.
They sent the cops to his
They sent the cops to his house as punishment for skipping a party. He told them to leave him alone, and they did. It's a win as far as i'm concerned. But, if he's going to hem and haw and be sad about it, maybe he needs to do some soul-searching and make a decision. Then own his choice. I'm sick of these weak men who let their wives and exes and kids fight it out while they wring their hands and feel special. If he had taken any control at all of the situation in the past and set boundaries, BM would not have felt empowered to do what she did. IMO.
I agree that DH has dropped
I agree that DH has dropped the ball with his family in the past. And I agree that he can't be surprised by their behaviour now. But that doesn't mean he can't be sad about it. I've never regretted my decision to leave my forst marriage, but that doesn't mean that I didn't curl up and cry in the process. I think it's reasonable for him to be sad. And I think his family's response (or lack thereof) was to be expected. My point about how I would have handled it (by letting the person know that I understand that they need space and that I'm here when there ready) is just that. It's how I would handled it.
Well of course he is allowed
Well of course he is allowed to be sad, and ideally it would be nice for them to address this and “leave the door open” so to speak, but it’s obvious these are not the kind of people who do that. He should look into what his grief really means, is he sad because of what he thought he lost, or is he sad because he’s realizing what he never had.
I understand him being sad
I understand him being sad and I understand your feelings of needing to defend him. I don't want you to feel like you have to defend him here, too. I think maybe the victim/defender thing is a pattern you guys have fallen into. It's weird that BM also seems to feel a need to defend him. Calling the cops was ridiculous, though. Did she think you had him chained to the floor? I don't mean to sound harsh, but reading all that you have been through makes me mad. Mad for you, that you are being treated the way you are by his family. I hope your DH feels half as protective toward you as you do toward him.
I appreciate you saying that.
I appreciate you saying that. I come to this site because I worry about burning my friends and family out with all of this drama. I have many supportive people in my life but it can't be all about me and about this all the time. But I'm ambivalent about this site because when I blog, I'm looking for people who can relate to what I'm saying. People who will understand how complicated and multilayered these issues are. And, instead, I often (not always) feel like my actions are criticized and my intentions are being challenged.
I do just want to chime in
I do just want to chime in because I think you may be thinking about some of my comments. I don't doubt that your intentions have been honorable in your attempts to protect your husband and defend your relationship.
And.. yes step life can be very complex.. and easy to say and do things that end up not improving the situation (as you, yourself said about your message to your SIL.. you said that you probably messed up.. it's easy to mess up in a mine field).
So cautioning about potential blow back.. encouraging paths that have our spouses step up.. stepping back and not participating.. are all meant as helpful and ways that you could make your life nicer.. easier.. simpler. That is the intent.. and hope that we can all learn from our experiences.. and learn how to live our lives in the most drama free way. for you that would mean less contact with his family for you...let your DH deal with them if and when he wants to.. because they clearly are misinterpreting so much of what you have tried to do... which actualy has not 100 percent worked in your favor. But.. sometimes there are no good solutions.. so you do what you think is best.. and hope for the best.
Personally.. I would rather not knock myself out trying to "help".. when the likelihood of it working out is so low.. I would put my energies in other directions.. and hopefully enjoy a more peaceful life..
I'm sorry your DH is sad.. and I hope he does not come to the point where he puts estrangement on your shoulders.. because that often happens to partners like us.. we get blamed for their estrangement from their family.. despite all attempts to actually help. I'm not saying it IS your fault.. clearly he has his own issues and ones with his family.. but sometimes people look for a scapegoat.. and right now.. unfortunately.. you could end up in that spot..even though he welcomed your assistance. (that's why advice to back off is really hoping to help you..lol).
Thank you ESMOD. I have
Thank you ESMOD. I have definitely become the family scapegoat but not my DH's (although I understand how that can happen and it's a fear I've often voiced in our marriage therapy). Interstingly, DH has scapegoated an aunt who has been particularly nasty and I caution him against focusing on her and letting the rest of the family off the hook. He so wants to believe that his family isn't capable of everything they've done, but he also knows that there's no denying facts.
I'm fully detached from the family, and have been since March. The only one I was still attempting to have a relationship with was SS and that was because he was making an effort (in a very Eddie Haskle way mind you). As predicted, he directed his engagement party anger at me and accused DH of choosing me over him. DH, finally, acknowledged that he did and does choose me over everyone else, just as he expects that SS will choose his wife-to-be over everyone else, and just as SD chose her husband (which is what started this whole mess, and which has been supported by the whole family). SS didn't like hearing that message, but he's heard it. I've not reached out to SS at all and I don't intend to. He knows where to find me. I don't know what the future holds for DH and his kids but I wholeheartedly agree that there his relationships to navigate, not mine.
I admit I've put a lot of effort into "fixing" things and my heart has been broken by my "fall from grace" with my SKs and DH's extended family. But I can honestly say that I'm not holding onto hope for a change, nor do I want one anymore.
A "be careful what you wish for" cautionary tail.
Though he did the right thing IMHO. He needs to know that his absence will be far more impactful on that gathering than it will be on him.
Their crap and his absence will be the 5000Lb gorilla in the room whether they want to admit it or not.
Enjoy your TG without their drama. I hope that DH will enjoy the drama free holiday as well.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Another Facet of StepHell
I fully understand your DH being sad. I know my DH often has his "sad" times. He is still in relation with his kids but very strained as I never go with him to visit, I don't ask about his kids, and only ask that he tell me anything from them that will impact me. I know DH wishes it could be different but it can't....and for that, he has his sad times. Heck, I have my own "sad" times as I really wished things could have been different. I stand on confidence though; I did everything I could to make things "good" including going to counseling with the BM and the adult daughter. Nothing works with these people except bowing down to all their demands.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Thank you CajunMom. So
Thank you CajunMom. So impressed fhat you went to counseling with.BM and SD. I appreciate your perspective. I imagine my DH's estrangement from his daughter will be a source of sadness for years to come. That makes my heart break for him and, like you, it hurts my own heart because I really did think we had a great blended family. Part of it is the shame because the rest of the world looks at us and thinks "what kind of person doesn't have a relationship with their own kids?" My DH is currently reading "Done with the Crying" and between that and the therapy, he's realizing that being estranged from your children is much more common than people realize. Doesn't take away the sadness, but it does help alleviate the guilt/shame.
I tend to oversimplify many others seem to overcomplicate.
Both can be a problem if not dealt with effectively.
For me wallowing in regret and over delving into sadness is counter to living well and solving problems.
I care deeply, I hurt deeply, but I also do not allow myself to wallow. Wallowing is baffling to me as to why I or anyone would embrace misery rather than address it and move on as quickly as is practicable.
The do-over is an integral part of how I avoid forcing misery onto myself. I engage in the failure, learn from it, adjust, and move on. One think I have a particularly well developed ability to do is learn from my own experiences and mistakes. I also have the blessing of being able to often learn from the experiences and mistakes of others. Thus, I can tend to avoid many issues or at least minimize them in my life.
What I do not do is allow others to drag me into their misery. If those people are people that I care about, I also do not let their own self wallowing go unchallenged. Their wallowing in misery, is detrimental to them, and to me. So, I give them a hug, then start playing the knock it off and get on with life messages which I escalate until they stop invading their life and mine with their misery.
Sometimes this can get a little dicey as my concern and engagement on the misery inducing topic and my limited tolerance for wallowing runs out. This state, either from myself, or from them, can move the discussion into uncomfortable territory.
Occassionally, I just have to move myself past their misery, and let them wallow in it, when they are not around me. When a situation gets to this point, I have to play the "If you choose to remain miserable on this, please do not mention it to me." card. If they will not do something about it, that is on them.
"Part of it is the shame
"Part of it is the shame because the rest of the world looks at us and thinks "what kind of person doesn't have a relationship with their own kids?"
Very well said!!! I also have heard and read so many times people saying that once a man remarries, he cares only about his new family and forgets about his children from previous marriage. And how it all falls on that angel - the unfortunate ex wife. All that followed by the constant "poor victim children" at the end of that concept.
The world does not understand and never will. The world will keep shaming these poor men and their wives.
It's so frustrating because
It's so frustrating because so many of us stepmothers have tried so hard to make sure the SKs don't feel left behind. My MIL used to sing my praises to anyone who would listen because I was such a great stepmother and was so good to her grandkids. After 10 years of that, It took her about 60 minutes to turn on me. And turn on my children. Which is the part that cements my complete detachment from her and the rest of them.
Good riddance to them.
For both yourself and your kids. You and your kids do not need them.
Write off the toxic.
They have no place in the lives of quality people.