Wake up call
SD recently had her birthday and, what a surprise, she acted like a spoiled, entitled brat who is better than everyone else. I got really mad because DH called her to wish her happy birthday, and he was really excited to talk to her because she's barely spoken to him at all, if she even deigned to get on the phone since we moved.
Well she had a really terrible attitude and barely said 3 words to him, and she hung up on him in the middle of him telling her that he loved her. It devastated him. He had been looking forward to her birthday and we had really tried to find her special presents that she would like, since she wouldn't tell us what she wanted, and she couldn't be bothered to speak to him for 3 minutes, AND she had a bad attitude like he was wasting her time. He tried to call SS too but he would barely speak to him either. I suspect that this is mostly the bratty nature of these children but also the result of their mother talking s*** on DH to them.
It took all my self control not to call her out for being a selfish brat of a child. I was absolutely incensed. DH works a really crappy job to make sure he can send BM money and get these kids nice presents for their birthdays and Christmas and that's how they treat him.
He asked BM if SD was upset or if something was going on and relayed what happened during the conversation, and BM said she’s always like this now and gives her attitude all the time like a teenager, so she just leaves her alone. Great. So this is only going to get worse because BM will not address the issue because that's how BM deals with all problems in her life-- she ignores them.
DH got really upset and said "She was never little" and said that she's already a teenager and he's missing out on her growing up. First of all, she's 10, not 15. And shes being a brat, not a teenager. I tried to gently point out the fact that she was acting bratty like that before we even moved, but it was like he didn’t even hear me. He doesn't want to believe that she's a spoiled brat, he would rather believe it's because she's "growing up".
It has nothing to do with her acting like a teen and everything to do with her being a spoiled brat who throws fits and acts out when things aren’t what she wants. An attitude problem that neither parent chooses to address. And what will happen now? Nothing. They will not address or talk to her about it and she’ll keep acting this way until it gets worse. It’s their job as her parents to check her when she isn't acting right and let her know that the behavior is not acceptable, but instead they just let her act that way and internalize how upset they are until it comes out at other people.
I tried to explain to him that if no one addresses her behavior it’s just going to get worse and he said it’s just going to keep getting worse anyway because the kids are always around their mom and her crappy parenting (or lack thereof), which he has no choice about. He even said that they could have been different people and grow up decent but not now because of her constant influence, so he's starting to become aware that these kids are just terrible little creatures that become more and more like their BM everyday. This was apparent when we lived in the same town with them because every weekend they would come stay with us, we had to start over from scratch as far as getting them to settle down and follow our rules, and we never really could sustain any consistency with that, or make any progress because as soon as they went back to her house, it all unraveled because she lets them do whatever they want.
Anyway, I was trying to get him to address the issue with the child and confront her about it but he said he would get too angry and he would yell at her and he didn't want to do that on her birthday. I told him that he should try to talk to her later on about it and he doesn't even have to get mad, he just needs to let her know that it's not acceptable to treat your parents that way, but he just acts like there's nothing he can do from a distance and that their mother's influence has already ruined the whole situation and rendered him powerless to change any of it. So "it just is what it is".
This is why I didn't want to live around them. It just became an endless cycle of frustration trying to get these kids to act right at my house. It was never going to happen because their mom is such a bad parent and their dad doesn't want to be the bad guy all the time and yell at them the entire visit. So I get stuck dealing with horrible skids that are only going to get worse. I worry about when they come to visit because I know it's going to be an utter disaster and cost us a ton of money, only to completely disappoint him and make me a crazy person. I hate this situation and I wish he would wake up and realize that these kids suck and are only going to get worse.
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I know it's callous to say
I know it's callous to say "Hey dude, why don't you open your eyes and see what little monsters your kids are" but he really needs to understand who they are and how they behave and how it affects other people. Here I am, miles away and I'm still tormented by the thought of having to deal with them again, much less how tormenting it is for him to get his hopes up every time that they will behave like decent human beings and then they don't. They suck and he needs to see that so we aren't harboring these delusions about some ideal experience with them. Accepting the truth of the situation is step one. I would hope that once he does that, he would address the issues as their parent but I doubt that will happen. I'm just tired of dancing around the fact that they're feral, manipulative little brats that shouldn't be handled with velvet gloves and coddled and given everything they want just to avoid dealing with them throwing a fit (this is how their mother handles them).
If he doesn’t see it now…..
He is never going to see it. DH doesn't see his kids every weekend ? Most likely the SK are upset that DH being that far away that SK are not getting wgatvothef kids are getting. Bio family where both bio parents are bankrolling there kids. When people get divorced and there now two households. Money is tight. Having a the new wife, to support takes money away from SK.
other kids who family is together, get to go on vacations, shopping expenses cell phones
No, he had been seeing them
No, he had been seeing them every other weekend when we lived in the same town, but now we live pretty far away and it isn't possible to do that. And there are no other children in the situation, just his kids. Money is definitely an issue, which is part of why they haven't been able to visit us here yet. But yeah, I just don't think he will see it. They seem to know how to manipulate him by saying the right thing at the right time which keeps him on the hook, thinking they are decent human beings, when in reality they just want something from him.
Why did he choose to move so
Why did he choose to move so far from his kids.. or did BM move? How far is it... that he can't make at least a day trip to see them occasionally? (we lived 3 hours each way from BM at one point.. but would make the trip a few times a month)
What does he do on a regular basis to keep in contact with his kids? My DH used to call his girls a couple times a day.. or text.. just touchpoints.. not long calls.. but I think it made a difference.
I don't think you will get much traction or to be honest.. any benefit from trying to point out his kids are being bratty.. all it will do is allow him to start deflecting his frustration and sadness at you.. I would not bring them up.. and use phrases.. like "oh that's too bad.." etc.. I mean.. you can point out at big gift occasions that they don't seem to reciprocate and act nice.. so maybe he doesn't need to try to overly impress them.. he can't buy their love.
We live like 16 hours away,
We live like 16 hours away, so we can't go visit like that. We can't take that long off of work right now because we are broke and we don't have the time off to use anyway. I don't bring them up, but I definitely gently point out that they make no effort to interact with him unless they want something. He had been trying to call them every week when we moved but they either didn't answer the phone or they barely spoke to him, unless they were trying to weasel something out of him, and then they stopped making an effort as soon as they got what they wanted. So he hasn't been calling them as much. It's so sad.
When then OSD12 started
When then OSD12 started ramping up the brat behavior, especially around her bday and Xmas, I told DH very, very clearly what I would do and not do any longer. Minimum gifts, no cooking, no special planning (not that anyone wanted or cared about what I may like anyway). I refused to try to please a greedy pre-teen. And it was better for me. DH had to do his own shopping (and went overboard of course but now it wasn't my gifts that were left unused).
I did tell him his daughter was a spoiled and entitled brat. No, he didn't like it, but it also wasn't in the heat of an argument. I told him he wasn't doing them any favors. And BM was also protecting her the same way yours did, that she's just a teen, she can make up her own mind, etc. Which granted OSD unlimited biotch behavior that she never has grown out of.
I let DH handle her exclusively. I didn't get any parenting ability so nope, I'm out. I don't deal with a-holes and don't give them grace if they've burned me before. Even if they are 12/13....she knew exactly what she was doing.
For sure. I have to stay
For sure. I have to stay pretty disengaged as well. I get too angry and frustrated having to put up with this poor parenting and greedy little children who don't listen to me. Not that I have any authority or say-so.
Why would the skids care
Why would the skids care about DH when it's obvious that your DH cares so little about them?
He barely sees them (he's decided to move SIXTEEN hours!!!! away from them) and he barely calls them and makes a bunch of excuses as to why he acts this way. There are no excuses. It's lazy, emotionally immature and self-entitled. We talk a lot about self-entitled kids but it's very self-entitled of parents to expect their kids to love them when they're barely involved in their lives.
His daughter is 10 years old. 10-year-old kids can be brats. What do emotionally stable well-adjusted parents do when their kids are being brats? They stick it out and guide their kids into better behaviour, instead of wallowing in self-pity and running away from their own kids because their 10-year old kids have hurt their fragile, precious fee fees. Oh. My. God. Imagine if all parents did what your DH is doing.
I totally understand why his kid hung up in the middle of him saying he loved her. He "loves" her but he barely sees her or communicates with her . Such "love"!
The idea, or belief
that little kids should adapt and accept to the new level of contact the parent setup is just absurd... If they don't want to talk to him on the phone, its probably because they feel like he abandoned them... because he abandoned them.
You get what you put in with a lot of things in life...
You obviously do not
You obviously do not understand the situation. We did everything we could to be near them for years while their mother trotted them all over the country, and then she ended up in a place where we could not make a living wage. So we moved so that we could actually pay rent and child support and actually give them birthday and Christmas presents. Read and understand before you judge. Also, the back and forth between parents' houses seemed to be stressful and confusing for the kids, so less frequent, more productive visits seemed to be the answer.
What I don’t understand
Is how you moved 16 hours away from your kids. ? How can a parent do this.. Unless his job is paying in the millions where he can afford plane fair every week. Parents can't do this. No wonder SD is upset. He is telling her. He is moving to be playing with the new wife' but unfortunately there is no money. For seeing his kids .
You two are totally wrong. Parents can't do this.. You must move back closer to SD, and try to make amends on the relationship
You don't get it. Read above.
You don't get it. Read above.
Rags, I think it's
Rags, I think it's complicated sometimes.
I was an Army brat. We moved every year until I was 12.. then every few years until I graduated and through my first year of college (that I attended via a small satellite campus in Europe). I do totally get that generally, the wage earners need to do what is necessary to support the family.. if your parents are in the military.. you just move with them.. that's the way it is. In your case, it was somewhat similar.. in that your parents needed to move to have financial support for your education.. etc.. but it also sounds like they included you in the decision process as a teen. (I think younger kids would get a bit less say in things normally).
So.. I can support moving for certain types of careers.. but I also think that people need to be mindful when they bring children into the world.. and then again when they split from the other parent.. that a career trajectory with moves of great distance is going to likely cause some fairly significant issues with their ability to spend meaningful time with their kids.
So.... did her husband have no prospects locally to work? Was it move or be on public assistance? Or did they move to somewhere that they.. or maybe OP wanted to move to.. closer to her parents for example?
The fact that OP is putting it out there that they are so broke that they havent' been able to have any visits with his kids? That kind of tells me they may have moved an awful long way for not much of a job.. so did they really move for the job.. or maybe there were some other motivations going on.. and her DH didn't consider that he was defacto deserting his kids to an extent by moving so far away from fairly young kids (10 years old is pretty young).
So... if it was truly a career/survival move.. he has to just live with the possibility it will majorly impact his ability to be a father.. and try his best to compensate for that in other ways with the kids.. (like eat ramen noodles so he can visit occasionally)..
If he move for more "selfish" reasons.. I'm not so sure he should get all that much sympathy for his kid being a turd to him.. when he up and left.
CAVEAT to say.. I am assuming he left and it wasn't BM that up and moved the kids 16 hours from him.
It is tough with divorced parents.. one or both might have opportunities or desires to move and have jobs elsewhere.. but I do feel that to an extent.. a parent has an obligation to their child to try to stay in their lives.. and that might mean a parent does need to consider what a move means.. and they may not need to take those distant relocations.. if it means they won't have any access to their children that way.. (or won't be able toafford it.)
ESMOD: BM was the one who
ESMOD: BM was the one who loved the kids away in the first place. She baited DH for money by using the kids and we were dragged all over the place because of her, trying to stay near these kids. She purposely settled where she did because it works for her, but it did not work for us. We tried. She shouldn't dictate where we live anyway.
Rags: Thank you! Also I hear kids
Thank you! Also I hear kids like to eat and have clothes to wear, which we could not provide living there with them. So everyone needs to lose the whole "how could you leave the kids" shtick. We had to. It's better for everyone. Sorry we aren't millionaires just sitting around collecting checks.
If DH and you moved 1,000 miles away
""""So everyone needs to lose the whole "how could you leave the kids" shtick. We had to. It's better for everyone. Sorry we aren't millionaires just sitting around collecting checks.""" It's not better for his kids,
He doesn't see his kids. He's not in their life. What do you expect? He made those kids, it's his responsibility to be a father to them. He chose to move so far away he can't do anything that a father should do. I am sorry, there has to be another solution to this problem. You will not see it. If BM is moving around he should of went to court and stop her.
"If BM is moving around he
"If BM is moving around he should of went to court and stop her."
It's not that easy. My SO's BM1 did that. Moved to various states. The courts told him the same thing each time - how much money to send. Those SDs are 24 and 27 and are both very disturbed young women now. When you impregnate a bad BM, there's only so much you can do.
ETA and here's the kicker -
ETA and here's the kicker - SO finally did get custody of one of the SDs in her teens. She said BM abused her so he drove to her state and picked her up. Filed an ex parte and won due to her testimony. But after 3 years here SD's behavior and mental health were even worse. SO did not know how to parent her either. Just "being together" isn't enough.
Right. What is DH supposed to
Right. What is DH supposed to do? Tie her to a chair so she can't leave? She does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. She may move again, we have no idea. And she has her parents financial backing to help her- we don't. Dads don't have the same advantages moms do. BM also moved throughout the southern states and the law backed her every time. He begged her multiple times to let him have at least one of the kids but she refused because that would lessen her check.
So, because BM upped and
So, because BM upped and offed, her ex should follow her to the end of the earth to be with his kids? How about she be reasonable and try to maintain contact between her kids and their father? Why should he be the one to struggle? He already moved to follow them but couldn't earn enough to pay CS and survive... What would be the point in staying and starving? He did his best by following his ex ...
We had no money to take her
We had no money to take her to court and her parents were financially backing her and they would have done everything in their power to keep the kids with her so that she got child support money. BM is the problem. I don't know why no one is understanding this but me. She refuses to parent these children, lets them do whatever they want, and when we see them, there is so much conflict with adjusting to living in a house with normal rules that it's miserable for everyone. Every time we saw them, it got worse, for everyone. They were not adjusting well and it's because their mom just let them do whatever for years while she loved them from place to place to be with whatever dude she was with. But we're in the wrong for moving away from a place that had no jobs after chasing her all over the place? No. We had to do what was necessary to financially stabilize. We are in serious debt because we were trying to follow her around to be near the kids. That's why we don't have money to go see them right now. What else were we supposed to do exactly? Please tell me because we did the best we could given the ridiculous situations she put everyone in. I was seeking direction about what to do about these kids given the fact that their negligent BM dictated everything and has effectively ruined them as people and poisoned them against their father. But maybe I should just stop getting on this site and trying to seek help since DH and I are such terrible people for "abandoning the children". I'm glad other people had better choices than we did in their situations.
His CS should be adjusted to his new job
If he follow BM to a new location, and his job payed less money then CS should reflect new salary. If CS geta cut then BM has to get one of those things call a job. I have PTSD. My SK father didn't give two sh*t for his kids. He didn't see them,, he didn't support them. Drinking was more important then his kids. So I have problem with people, just not looking for ways to solve problems.
Not saying it's easy, Not saying BM being a Bi**. But as a parent you have responsibilities,,more then sending them a check .. hard to understand you had to move close to 1,000 mikes away to find a job. That 1/3 across the country. Then again unless you are like two hours away it to become a problem.
Again, thank you Rags! We
Again, thank you Rags! We tried playing her game and did everything in our power to be around the kids. When we were right there, they acted the same way they do now: careless, callous, selfish, and withdrawn. They only gave DH attention to get what they wanted and if they didn't get it, they sulked. It didn't seem to matter whether we were there or not. It was just something they had to endure that wasn't unadulterated freedom, like at their mom's house. I really don't know why more we could have done. At a certain point, we had to move to where I had a good job opportunity so that we could unravel the financial burden of debt that she imposed on us. Oh and she lied on the child support application about how much we had given her prior to the order, so he owed back support which was not correct. BM is a terrible human being who will do anything for money. She doesn't care about how her kids turn out or even how she looks grubbing after everyone's money. She doesn't care to parent her children and yet she gets every advantage and DH looks like the bad parent. Whatever you guys, I'll just keep it to myself from now on. Thanks Rags. Appreciate the understanding.
I won't even get into the
I won't even get into the mess that trying to change the child support was. We tried. But she lied about her income so it was always less an his. It was a whole mess. Let me be clear, he wants to see his kids and visit with them regularly, but at the moment it's not possible until we get caught up financially, a situation that was created by chasing her all over the place in order to be around the kids.
I get that your feelings
Is you don't care about SD. Nothing wrong with feeling that way. Not your kids.. in your mind SD Doesn't exist. Once again nothing wrong with feeling that way. It's DH kids it's up to him to deal with them. You don't want BM controlling your home and life.
'First of all DH. is a bad father. He the one wh had kids with a crazy BM.. You can't be a good father and live a 1,000 miles away
'You are wright in that it's DH problem..his problem to solve. He can't put his first family and kids ahead of your family. Marriage doesn't work that way.
I don't understand the vent. DH is a bad father to his kids ..His kids don't respect him. He will do for his kids when he has the time and money to do something. Just ake sure it's doesn't effect your family more then it already has
I do care about SD and I feel
I do care about SD and I feel bad for the kids that they are stuck in a bad situation. But DH is not a bad father and I'll thank you to stop saying that. DH is the only one who ever tried for these kids and the only one to ever address the problems that have existed throughout their lives. BM did nothing while they were together and she continues to do nothing but drag the poor kids all over the place, brainwash them because she's mad at DH for having a life outside of her, and use the kids against DH in whatever way suits her at the time. Stop talking about things you know nothing about, Harry and others. DH has went above and beyond for those kids and he always tried to help them in whatever way he can. Stop defending this gargoyle of a BM who cares for nothing and no one but herself. It's appalling the things she has done, both to DH and these kids. But the courts always side with her, so we're stuck.
You are in a impossible situation
You can't be in SD life when your a 1,000 miles away. You are not seeing the SD basically at all. Is thers plans for Thanksgiving week end. Flying SD to you, or Christmas week ? or moving away for better jobs,and you still still can't afford plane fair. Or are you driving the 16 hours to see SD. OR just more excuses. Every one has to do. You are not the parent. You will never be in a relationship with SD. BM will make sure of that.