In my new place

In my new place.

I called him right after he got off work and told him. He said he was about to call me and ask what we were doing for dinner and instead came home to an "empty" house.

He was in shock and upset. And of course (after all the acting I had to do around him and his family this past month) he thought I was deceptive.

I explained my rationale was due to that incident where he plopped on me and he claimed he was just playing, wouldn't physically hurt me, and hadn't done that again.

I have to keep reminding myself his exwife and those kids would never have given me the respect and peace that I desired. of course he does not grasp that him not setting appropriate boundaries with his ex and kids drove me to this point and thought I left him because he wasn't rich enough but money wasn't the only thing I cared about.

Even though I know that long term this is for the best. It still hurts.

I know I ranted and talked a lot of trash but the good thing about him was his willingness to work things out, have a steady long term relationship leading to marriage, and the companionship (I know I dealt with some sh*tty men in the past so this was the first time I thought someone loved me and was patient with me) ... I hope my next partner has this minus the dependent kid/exwife stuff.

I'll be crying my eyes out for the next couple of days but I'll eventually get over this (so I can enjoy my next steps in life) and I hope he finds someone who is better for him.

Thank you all for listening to my endless rants, my emotional ramblings, and the tips/support I truly appreciate you all

Lillywy00's blog
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We are here for you, darling.

We are here for you, darling. I fully understand loving a man that I had to walk away from because staying would have destroyed me. My 2nd marriage was a sham but I thought he was the love of my life. I had to escape him much like you did and the healing was painful as hell.

You are a strong woman. Cry those tears. Be mad. Remember the good parts. Write down ALL of the bad parts. You will heal and be stronger and better than ever.

((Hugs))

Thank you this means alot

Hugs. I'm so inspired by you.

Hugs. I'm so inspired by you. It feels weird now being in a new place with all new routines etc... but take some time to find joy in it. Arrange your new space the way YOU want it, knowing that the kids won't mess it up, make yourself your favorite beverage and snack, settle down in a comfy spot and read/watch tv/fo what you want. Enjoy the quiet and peace. No more stress. No more feeling frustrated. No more disgust. You are free now. Free to do exactly as you want when you want.

Yes. I'm looking forward to

Yes. I'm looking forward to doing weekends the way I want. No more skid takeovers, no more cleaning after his able bodied lazy kids!

Also I plan to buy some pricey leather furniture (that I'm sure they would have destroyed) and a really nice air fryer (which I'm confident they would have tore up)

I feel a little like I have no friend or no one to talk to anymore so forgive me if I'm on here with random off topic chats. I'm going to get out and try to make friends. The people here are nice and this place is luxurious so I'm sure they're successful in life/doing something productive with themselves.

There is a pool table, a gym, a study room, a media room, and a coffee bar

He asked me where I was and I didn't tell him. But I do wish I could have someone share the sights with me.

I needed to talk to someone so I called up my girl friend (thank goodness she answered) who just recently separated from her husband and so she went through the same thing I'm going through now.

Just keep in mind that it's

Just keep in mind that it's possible to get worse before it gets better. A lot of feelings will hit you like a train and you might question your decision and all the guilt will be overwhelming. Just stay strong, for you and for your little girl.

When I left my first husband I lost all of my friends and I had no one to talk to. It was a very dark, cold and lonely period. Eventually it got a lot better. You just need to remind yourself that it would get better. I promise you, you will be a lot happier.

Hugs.

What helped me...

One thing that greatly helped me after I finally filed for divorce & had my now-exH move out (Sept/Oct 2021, two years ago) was re-reading my StepTalk blogs from the previous years.. where I documented the insanity of living with my now ex's rage-outs, deficit spending, and midlife crisis car episode. Yes, there was sadness and lonliness for the person I'd loved... but also tremendous relief, peace, and re-connecting with my dearest friends. Your blogs were not just helpful as you wrote them, but they remain here for you when you need reminders of WHY and WHAT you left.

My ST blogs snapped me out of romantasizing the past, and brought me back to the reality of what it was really like. This community of anonymous internet strangers here on StepTalk were so supportive, compassionate, encouraging, and wise - none of my friends had the experience many here on ST have had.

I am forever grateful for you all, and so proud of you Lilly & relieved you accomplished this escape so successfully!!!

You have us. You have STalk.

I have found support, a kick in the butt when needed, and refuge here for 15years.

Real life will find you again. It will be far better than it has been.

It'll soon be fine, Lilly!

Well, Hon, you did the right thing by phoning 'the dude'; that's one major stress off your shoulders. And, if your weren't shedding a few tears over a guy that you did love and still have some feelings for, you'd be a cold 'ol cucumber. Leaving a relationship, even an unhealthy one, is always a hurter; ask me how I know.

Just remember, Lilly, that we are all here for you and, personally, I'd love to hear how you are getting on, as soon as you're ready to share. Many ((((HUGS)))) coming atcha from the Great White North! ♥️

Thank you so much grannyd

You're a brave woman

You're a brave woman Lillywy00. Making a major life change is never easy and neither is letting go of the life you thought you were going to live. There will be some dark days ahead and maybe even some moments of wondering if you made the right decision. But there are brighter days ahead. Stay strong.

Thank you Sadie lady

when you said "letting go of the life you thought you were going to live"'

that's a lot of what is weighing on me right now.

I hope he finds someone who

I hope he finds someone who is better for him.

I hope he learns how to treat his partner with respect.

I know it hurts. {{{HUGS}}} I cried - for multiple reasons - when I escaped my psycho exh. Despite the abuse, he was what I knew and I was terrified of the unknown because I was broken.

Your ex may not have been as bad as the sh*tty men in your past, but he did not treat you right. Sure, he listened, but that's simply not enough. Woman, he restrained you. Scary stuff. Hopefully, you will look back one day and realize that he wasn't all that.

Please stay. Not only to keep us posted, but also to help others who need to leave bad relationships. *give_rose*

Thank you.

He apologized for that today (and knew if he was wise he would not do it again). Had he not done that I would have felt more comfortable being open with my thoughts/plans to leave. I hated feeling like I had to sneak around but that's where my mind went after that incident last year.

I hope he learns how to treat his partner with respect.

I needed to hear that.

I certainly didn't feel respected when weekends hit and he was so kid-centered that I was miserable and it took him so long to ease up on the Disneyland antics.

Hopefully, you will look back one day and realize that he wasn't all that.

IKR. I'll definitely be making more wise decisions in the future. This is definitely a learning experience

Thank you for sharing your story

Had he apologized... but do

Had he apologized... but do you think he thought his behavior was wrong? Or only because you told him it was so he apologized to appease you? Maybe that's the way he is. Maybe he thinks an apology will get you back. *unknw*

My DH was a Disney Dad. BioHo was a nightmare after they split. Withholding the skids, PASing them (worked with the SDs for years)... He was worried the SSs would not come over if he acted like Normal Dad - who he'd always been. So his house was fun EOWe. He did all of the cooking, cleaning, entertaining. And was exhausted by Sunday night. But the kids had fun! I entered the picture. And ran myself ragged trying to cook, clean, be fun... just help. And also trying to help, like saying it wouldn't kill the boys if they had to take a dirty plate to the sink. That and other more serious issues had our marriage on the rocks. I found STalk and learned to disengage. It was NOT easy to ignore stuff on the LR floor or leave empty pop cans/cups wherever. But when I stopped helping and DH had to do it all on top of his physically demanding job? He started getting tired of it. The catalyst was him coming home to pop leaking out of a Styrofoam cup... on top of the entertainment center, down the side, and onto the carpet. He was furious. Yes, I saw it. Leaving it there was damn difficult. But Death of a Disney Dad happened that day. DH started making them put things away. Then he had them helping in the yard, then around the house. Finally, he had them doing chores by themselves while he relaxed. But he made it fun and they earned chore money or a treat, like walking to the store for ice cream. So it IS possible for a Disney Dad to change!

If only this dude got a clue

If only this dude got a clue and dropped the Disneyland act .....

He might some day, but don't

He might some day, but don't count on it. Onward and upward!

do not believe anything he

do not believe anything he says right now. Do not believe his apologies. Do not believe his sad sack stories.

he will say anything to make you feel like shit or to make you question yourself. He will be so so sorry that you'll start to think he's a really good person. he's not. It's manipulation.

You tried to tell him. You tried to get him to listen to you. And when he had the chance, he did not listen, and he did not make the changes that you needed. It is too late now.

Time to shred another man card.

I cried when my marriage was failing. Fortunately, I got through the crying stage before the game on contentious phase. By the time we had the final hearing, I was resigned, focused, and far more confidenct.

My memorable tear fest was ... when Pretty Woman came out. I watched it at a mantinee. I was the only person in the theater. Not sure why it was Pretty Woman that opened the flood gates, or even if it was the movie for that matter. But I about flooded the theater.

Tears are an important part of grieving. So is anger, so are bargaining, denial, depression, and ultimately acceptance. These are not steps. It is more like a spaghetti bowl where it all intertwines, the cycle is navigated repeatedly sometimes recycling different elements.

DW worked with a therapist as she was navigating leaving her last shit storm of a firm. She shared an interesting visual model of grief. A box with a big ball in it. The ball bounces around and when it hits a wall of the box, grief cycle elements are activiated. Over time the ball grows smaller and smaller and contact with the sides of the box become less frequent. The ball never goes away entirely so various things can trigger an element of grief associated with a loss. Relationships that end, are a loss.

Dribble the hell out of that ball bouncing it off of all of the sides of the box. Embrace it, actively grieve. Over time, the ball shrinks, good things shine, and eventually the ball will only hit a box side rarely.

My words to describe DW's shared grief process model.

Now to print a few more man cards.

This is an interesting

This is an interesting analogy

I'm thankful to hear about your situation and your process during that time.

No need to shred a man card,

No need to shred a man card, Rags. I've seen so so many breakups/divorces and if I had a nickel for every guy I've seen take it hard... we're all human.

THIS!!!

They all tap dance when you "hold a gun to their head" but the moment the heat is off, they go back to their old ways...most of the time worse than before.

I'm so happy for you. You

I'm so happy for you. You channeled the disrespect you experienced and the anger you felt into action! So many people aren't strong enough to do that. I believe that got you to where you need to be, and it's normal to feel a letdown of sorts now that it's over. Of course you're sad; you wouldn't have been in a relationship with him if he had zero redeeming qualities. It is okay to love someone who is flawed, it's even okay to love someone who is downright bad for us. Being capable of love is a gift. Being able to recognize that love is not enough to sustain a relationship that allows us to thrive takes maturity and determination. Take the time you need to grieve the life you thought you were going to have. But don't forget to celebrate yourself for doing the difficult but healthy thing!

Well said, Felicity!

Stay strong, Lily

We get so bummed out when things go downhill that we often pine for thst person. "If only he would....". You will have those thoughts, too, I bet. But you're smart, you know he comes with those kids and ex attached to him and it would be the same thing. Stay strong, girl. We are all rooting for you.

Just because he wasn't the

Just because he wasn't the worst, it doesn't mean he was good. Take a few days for you. Look at it like this, you tried on a pair of pants and realized they were not a good fit for you. So you're going to find the life you're more comfortable in.

Then find your new normal. How is your kiddo doing w/ all these changes?

Ironically she's unfazed.

She wasn't as bothered by the dude and his kids as I was. The only thing she hated was sharing a bathroom with his son who never (I should say once or twice while I helped him) cleaned the bathroom after he took a good 100+ showers and when I told dude his son needed to clean that dang shower after he used it at least every 1-2 weekends he hit me with the "oh my kids are hardly here" then it was "if you need them to do something just ask them"

Like dude it's not that hard to ask your kids to help clean after themselves wtf?!?

You really were miserable

You really were miserable with him. And he threatened to cheat on you. I know it's hard right now with doubt and regret, but remember those things. ETA and skids every weekend. No schedule! Never forget!

Thanks for the reminder when

Thanks for the reminder when my mind keeps playing tricks on me.

I was mostly miserable with his Disneyland b*llsh*t and 24/7 BBeck n Call service

all the crap that started the moment his conniving ex wife returned with her spawns and tried to use her kids as tools to ruin our relationship

He let them so yeah I became miserable. I should have left him the moment she traipsed her raggedy tail back in town with spawns in tow

Remind yourself, daily, why

Remind yourself, daily, why you left.

I think someitmes our mind tries to block out the bad times but in these circumstances I think it's best to keep it in the forefront of your mind as a fresh reminder why you're no longer in that situation. You left because of all of the insufferable BS he elected not to manage. Congratulations on your fresh start.

You left because of all of

You left because of all of the insufferable BS he elected not to manage.

Yes I needed the reminder because he tried to tell play perfect fiancé the last month or two when he had an inkling that I might leave

Sending you lots of virtual

Sending you lots of virtual hugs! What you've done is incredibly brave and takes a lot of strength, so celebrate that.

Others are right. You are likely to have some dark days and moments ahead. But know that you took this step for a reason. Re-read your blogs. I don't doubt that he apologized or that he was conciliatory. Apologizing is easy. Change is hard. I have some experience with an abusive relationship (verbal and emotional as well as restraining like you experienced). I've done a lot of research, learning and reading. So often these men will say and do anything to win the woman back. Again, talk is cheap.

I can't remember the name, but there's a song with a line that's stayed with me: "Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in." It's a tough place to be. But you're tougher. Embrace the opportunities and all that's good, leaving space for the negative feelings and the grief. Keep reaching out in whatever way works best for you and know that people care!

The worst is over

Plenty Of people here admirer you for having the courage to get out. Your ex wasn't a bad person, He needs someone who is willing to go alone with his craziness. A nother woman with kids, who has similar problems. But he doesn't want to be a SP. He doesn't want the other woman's kids living with him, taking up his time.

I always felt if my wife wanted this perfect father for her kids. Why did she not get involved with a man with kids. So he had the father thing down,, it's hard being a father 5 years in. Family spent the last 5 years with out you. But my wife didn't want to be a SM, Didn't want family money going to BM. You know

Agreed. A lot of single

Agreed. A lot of single parents don't want other single parents. It sounds counterintuitive but blending families is HARD (especially if bio parents are high conflict and/or delusional Disneyland parents like both of these kids bio parents are) ... and like you said men with kids have household money going out to another woman. (I cringe thinking about the time he took money from my house repair savings to give to his daughter promised to put the money back but never did...I should have made him apply to chippendales and work off the debt but whatever not going to be in that situation again)

YAY!!!!!

Definitely if you want a pen pal we are here.

I love hearing the details of your new digs.

Awww thanks will definitely

Awww thanks will definitely take you up on that offer.

WELL DONE!!!!!!

like Reedle2021 your story is a classic. Congrats on getting away from the fool and his brats!!!!

(No subject)

I am so relieved for you.

Work the grief. It fades.

When you least expect it, in my experience at least, an amazing person will enter your life that has all of the positives of the previous partner, without many if not all of the negatives, and with some amazing things all their own.

Over my dating life I arrived at the Rags 3day Rule.

Breakups hurt. But the only hurt the worst for about 3 days. Each day after that they hurt just a bit less until eventually they are just a rare unpleasant memory.

Now for the ... but. If you re-engage, it all resets and the whole process starts over with added negatives since the odds of a failed partner actually changing are at best slim to none.

When my marriage ended, I had a date the same night my XW drove off. Yes it hurt. But, I was far past ready to re-engage with being the man I enjoyed being and I was done with wallowing in misery. My grieving process and recovery took 3 solid years and even then, I had more work to do. I met my incredible bride 40mos after my divorce was final. Even as incredible as my bride is, I still had some stuff to work through after my divorce. I regret that I brought that to the first couple of years our marriage. It was not fair to her or SS.

Fortunately I figured it out, DW was patient.

Please stick around Lilly. Your experience is valuable and your journey is a great example for others working the exit from a toxic blended family situation.

Take care of you. You are a third of the way through with the first 3 days!!! A couple of days from now, it will be a tiny bit better. It just keeps getting better from there.

Trust me.

Super helpful Rags

Im here asking myself why do I feel like crap when I'm the one who ended it but it is like a grieving process like you all have mentioned

Like a detox

I noticed the 3 days is accurate.

My advice is you have given

My advice is you have given him the news.. and let him have a small say.. I would block his phone and social media.. at this point... there is no need allowing him to keep you in a state of high emotions.

^^^^ Absolutely this.

Great stuff as usual ESMOD.

Agree. No contact is best

Agree. No contact is best after a breakup. Even if kids are involved (thankfully none in this situation!), should be all business.

Yep

Why expose yourself to their love bombing cycle?

sorry of tmi

I stayed quietly taking occasional plan b and other things to prevent it. I hope I didn't mess up my fertility but I'd rather that than be stuck 18years with a Disneyland dad who is so enmeshed with his exwifes kids that if we had kids, I'd probably be a married single mother doing 100% (which is worse than being a single single mother bc at least they get paid child support money without having to deal with the dude, weekends and holidays and summers free )

When I first met him (before his conniving ex wife and messy loud clingy disrespectful spawns) we talked about starting our own family and getting married but when I realized I would not have any peace or priority in my own home I (secretly because he got offended when he knew I was taking contraceptives) pumped the brakes until I could see he was serious about dropping Disneyland and 24/7 B. Beck n Call services. He never rose to the occasion unfortunately for him.

So Happy For You!

I can't add much more as the comments you have are beautiful and so supportive! We are definitely here for you, so post away! I so admire you and your strength. I know the next few weeks and months will be difficult but always keep this in mind....you chose to take care of YOU and YOUR child. That's a good thing. Big hug to you!

Thank you! I appreciate that

Thank you! I appreciate that so much.

I realized the time he had me clinging to him part of that should have been focused on myself and my kid.

I did feel smothered and like I was losing myself at times.

Now I can put the focus back on me (and help my kid launch successfully) without being accused of being selfish.

Well done

Well done Lilly, i'm happy foryou. I wish i could be as brave as you and just LEAVE...

You ARE brave.

It took me two years to get to this point and I still second guess myself sometimes even though I know that having my own space is what is best for me

You are steptalk LEGEND!! I

You are steptalk LEGEND!! I sent you a private message. You are now part of the "I escaped an asshole" club. Welcome. my message includes my personal contact information. we are here for you.

"I escaped an asshole" club.

"I escaped an asshole" club.

I don't condone violence however....they totally need another a$$hole torn for them for every relationship they destroy ugh!

Good morning

This is the first day, of the rest of your LIFE. Good thing ahead.

Well done! You are a

Well done! You are a fabulous, intelligent lady. Have fun and enjoy life now.

Not sure if it's in your area but there's a thing called 'meetup" maybe meetup.com but I'm not sure. I did it for several years. It's for people to get together and do things. I did outings with a ladies group (drinks, movies, out to dinner, etc), a bunch of bicycle group rides with the outdoor group. It's for people to go out and do things and make friends and have fun. It's not a dating site.

You are here

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