I must have ESP
Hiya all!! As I wrote before in "Uncomfortable Funeral", my husband is worried about his putrid sister and ex causing trouble. Well, today he finally opened up and told me that his sister is going to sit his ex with the family (church funeral) and she wanted him to sit with the ex. She got all offended when he refused and said his ex will be sitting with her family and will get a flower to put in the casket, something that is done by immediate family only.
He is really upset and he did not want me to feel disrespected. Of course I knew there was something brewing as I know these people better than he does. I've been disrespected for at least four years now and so has he. In fact, his whole family has treated me so poorly. His parents who, in order to include the ex, hold two get togethers but have always been kind to my son and me. I don't get upset at them because I'm sure it's not been easy for them. Now at my FIL's funeral my husband and I will be disrespected once more and all this bitterness and pettiness will cast a veil of discomfort over our day that is to be about my dear FIL and MIL.
I am non confrontational and I don't go where I am not wanted, so it is hard for me to swallow my pride and dignity but I do it gladly to be ther for my husband who is such an amazing human being. This is really not pleasant for me. They have treated my son and me like garbage. A child that was happy to come here and have two more brothers and a sister only to find them being a-holes and lying and stealing from him.
I guess I will dress up to the nines and my husband and I will be the loving people we are and go from there. It hurts, though, to feel as if I am not part of his family. I know they have said that I am some whore who stole my husband but that is an abominable calumny. Maybe I'm here to know I am not the only one and somewhere there are other women who have been treated so poorly. I just wanted to vent as I don't want to give my husband more to worry about. We decided that we will be ourselves, kind, loving and if anyone wants to derail themselves they can crash and burn with hate and bitterness. All I can do is hold my head high even if everyone thinks I'm a husband stealing tart. Thank you for listening and feel free to tell your story, there is comfort in knowing we aren't the only ones.
Damn. I'm sorry his family is
Damn. I'm sorry his family is so shitty. It hurts to not feel you are a true part of your husband's family and the hurt is multiplied when you realize the ex is still in what should be your place. I have experienced something like that but not nearly to the extent these shitbags are acting. The only way to combat this is for you and your DH to be a united front, IMO. I hope he never considered participating in the charade.
I'm sorry your husband has
I'm sorry your husband has such awful relatives. At least his parents seem decent.
Yes, you two go and pay your respects and be class acts. Don't fall into any of their petty BS traps. Be polite and remain distant.
There's a guy on Instagram
There's a guy on Instagram jefferson_fisher that gives advice and techniques on how to handle and respond to passive aggressive people. Find him and watch him. He's got some really simple things to do and say.
UGH
Through everything you have been strong (moving to SWEDEN???) and been classy. You have taken the higher ground from what I read in your previous posts. And your husband has hopefully also been strong by YOUR side. You havent really mentioned what he has done to stand up for you, and maybe you dont really know all the particulars.
But I agree that standing strong by his side, while it wont "win" you brownie points with the family, will help him through this, help MIL through this as well as give them the message that they havent beaten you, you persevered and will continue persevering. Plus if you did not go, or you skulked around, then they would find fault with you on that.
It seems that your SIL has it out for you. And with no real reason except for relational agression. Ive been reading up on that, and its pretty powerful. Someone who doesnt like you, shunning you and treating you badly because the bio mother is a miserable bitter bish. Well they can have each other, I hope that nothing happens at the funeral, and I hope that SIL and BM show themselves to be the horrible people they are. Skids too.
oh yea, about funerals
Husband was the youngest of 13, so there are a lot of older siblings. His mother passed in January 2020, and during her slow exit, people came from all over to pay respects, say goodbye and grieve. Guess who decided to crash the "non party" party? Yep, Toxic Troll BM. Husband had told her he didnt want her there, after the first time she "dropped by to drop off Feral Forger SD24" she told him she didnt care what he wanted and that his mother was her mother too.
SIL, who desipises TT, told her that the next time she tried to attend the exit vigi, she would be escorted off the property by police.
But no one has aggressively tried to do anything towards me at funerals or any holiday gatherings. Im more in the sidelines, no one really bothers with me. I go to funerals to support husband in his grieving.
Go and be as kind and
Go and be as kind and friendly to everyone as you can possibly be with a big smile ...while ignoring the a-holes. I did this recently at a shower I had to attend. There were people there who are buddies with my ex...they were actually hosting the shower and completely shunned me. I had a really great time with some other people who were there who commented to the bride to be how much they loved me. Lol. I'm old. I can play the game if I must and say "is that all ya got??!"
You are SO LUCKY your DH sees what's going on.
First, my condolences on the loss of your FIL.
That said, if I was your DH, my foot would be so far up my sister's ass that she could read the brand of my shoe with her tongue on the sole.
BM needs to be kept away completely, and if she shows up, have the funeral director have her removed. The Skids of course can be there to honor their grandfather. BM, has no place and no business being there.
DH's sister needs that message loud and clear.
If I were DH, I would take the stage to honor my father. And I would control who got on stage. My sister, would not be up there because of her proven toxic manipulative crap. Regardless of what sister had planned. I would let my mother know that I had her back, my bride has her back, and that I would tolerate no manipulative bullshit from my sister. Mom would know that if my XW showed up that she would be evicted by Law Enforcement.
Ignoring toxic and letting it have a presence at weddings, funerals, B-days, graduations, etc... cannot and should not be tolerated.
IMHO of course.
Thank you all!
Thank you all for the advice and condolences. Funeral is Friday and I'm not looking forward to going. To answer the question of what my husband has done to stick up for me: pretty much nothing but steer clear of the nasty people. They do not say anything to him or me, just to each other and the relational aggression is astounding. He has chosen me over them, that is clear, and since he's tired of his kids and their BS as well as his sister and BM, he just avoids them. I don't care if I ever see those people again and I can trust them as far as I can throw them, which is not at all. I am just exhausted from this and I want to just live our lives in peace without these disgusting beings near us. As far as him removing the BM, that won't happen because his mother will be offended by that. Nice lady but she has her preferences and the BM outranks me and my husband.
Thank you all again and I'll be back soon with a follow up.
Hmmmm? So instead of DH
Hmmmm? So instead of DH having his X removed he should tell her to sit in the back since she is not family . Her choice , either the back or leave. He with you at his side should be at the front with his mother.
It’s been a while
I just wanted to stop by to say the funeral went well. His kids didn't address me or my son and only said hello to my husband because he said hello first. The ex was there sitting with her spawn and when it came time for the flowers they went up as did his sister and her family. My husband only went up with myself and my son. I completely ignored the HCBM and didn't make any eye contact with her. My husband only addressed her when he was telling everyone where the repass was as the obituary made a mistake. It was fine after all, I felt uncomfortable with the sister being so nice to me because I know it's false but, oh well. Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and support!!!
I am so glad it went fairly
I am so glad it went fairly well.
Again, my condolences to you, DH, and your kids on your loss.
Sis and BM... can still F-off.
IMHO
Great update - nice to move
Great update - nice to move on without any big event out of it.
I have been there
First of all, I am sorry and wow have I been in your shoes. BM get's invited to husbands family events. Not me which is fine but it used to sting. BM got rid of her kid and gave her up when she was 7 literally a week after we got married and MIL was still a "friend" of hers buddying up to school events etc. I let it go after a while. They can go on their miserable merry way with one another..
After 8 years I came to a place to say "f-it"