BM's and $$$
I am a stepmom of two girls ages 14 and 8. I have a great relationship with both girls, although it took some time because of all the common struggles of stepmom life (resentment, disrespect, disobeyed). My biggest struggle is their mother and the financial situation between her and my husband. Over the past 5 years, my husband has handed her ~$600,000, NOT including child support, which is an additional $3,250/ month until the girls are 21 years old. Now, I understand all of these costs come with divorce (house equity, half of his 401K, "spousal support" (barf), half of his stock equity, and $20K of his career end of the year bonus for 4 years...etc.) but the issue is...she tells the children that she is broke. The girls tip toe around her (or just ask us) when it comes to their needs, tell us mom doesn't have any money, constantly worry about money even with us...the list goes on. They are scared to even ask her for the groceries that they like! Meanwhile, she bought a house in the nicest part of our city and completely renovated it, just bought a new car, and goes on multiple solo (without kids) vacations a year. Not to mention, she is rocking all of the newest, latest clothes and accessories while refusing to buy the girls any clothes because it's "expensive". The SELFISH manipulation of their little minds and narcissism is REAL. I fully understand it is out of my husbands control as NYS divorce is an absolute nightmare for fathers, I am just really struggling with my own frustrations as it fills me with constant rage and hate, and I don't want to live my life like this.
I've found it hard to connect with anyone else on this issue, as I am not friends with anyone else who is a stepmom. I've tried therapy and other stepmom support groups and it never seems to give me the relief I need, although at this point I just don't think there are any right answers for this. Just looking for some advice, as yoga and meditation has not been enough...or just to know someone else has felt my pain and frustrations. Thank you.
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PS....
PS....we have the girls 50% of the time.
Welcome!
The pro-BM, anti father, extortionary amount of CS in NYS is breathtaking. Attorneys and the "system" profit off of it. As long as there are naive women (I include myself) to pick up the pieces and financially support the holy failed first family this will continue unfortunately.
We had the same issue where the BM was not spending any money on the skids even though she received almost my SO's entire salary in non arrears CS.
Typical scenario skids show up in old ill-fitting clothing while the BM is living large. Extremely common since the BM is not required to keep an accounting of what she spends.
The other problem is once the skids discover there is a rift between the two households they play it up for all it's worth and often exaggerate their situation.
I know it's too late now but I would advise any woman who is dating to steer clear of men with children especially in States like New York ,Massachusetts, California, and New Jersey.
AMEN
Completely agree with all of that, thank you! When I hear the phrase "you know what you got yourself into" I want to scream! I absolutely did not and if I had a crystal ball, I think I would have taken a different direction in life. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than anything but all of this is an every day struggle. The NYS system is so crooked...I feel terrible for how robbed my husband is.
It has taken some time, but I do believe the Skids are seeing her antics. Especially the 14 year old who wants new clothes and shoes and clearly sees mom with them. However, she does just come to us and ask instead and say "mom said to ask you". And yes, when my husband called her out on not spending any CS on the kids she responded with "you can't tell me how to spend my money." YOUR MONEY?! it's called CHILD support for a reason.
Thank you for the feedback/support!
I think a lot of single dads
I think a lot of single dads (not all and some women too) pull bait and switch.
Once you're locked in they assume since you love them/locked in with them that you'll love n adapt to all their unhealthy habits too
Typical scenario skids show
ots very rare to ask for accounting and request approved however ncp can show the lawyers evidence that the cp is not using child support for the kids needs, ask for more custody, pay child's bills directly, and even ask for downward modifications in child support.
Men are typically the ncp and they complain yet do
nothing is baffling to me.
Ill be damned if i saw my ex as the cp getting my hard earned money in child support and didnt take care of our childs needs. I'd do my investigating, come with all my receipts/evidence, and report him so fast his head would spin.
Another thing....
Another thing...NYS doesn't require the BM to be taxed on ANY of these payments!!
Not only that
But if the CS gets funneled through the local Child Support Enforcement Agency then dad gets to pay for the privilege of using that service in the way of an extra surcharge/fee.
Not sure if you are aware of this but the local Child Support Agency collection units get extra funds from the federal government for the highest amount of money they collect so no incentive to either have the BM accountable for it or to re-examine the self support Reserve Etc. Ironically the Clinton Administration set this in motion via Social Security Law.
There is no surcharge here
There is no surcharge here (afaik). If it is it's very minimal.
However the local government gets "credit" for funneling all cs payments through their state receiving system
They REALLY try to shove it down your throat to send cs payments through their system but it's a PITA because from my experience - checks would arrive late (on their end), they hire underpaid staff, you have a question and it takes 30+ minutes to get someone on the phone, there are no direct lines so you just have to deal with whoever answers the phone.
When I was getting child support I used their system and then after so many issues I disenrolled and just told the dude to pay me directly and if he missed I reported him to the lawyers
Thinkthrice---good old
Thinkthrice---good old title4dfunding
Thanks Hillary and bill clinton.
You guys should put together
You guys should put together a spreadsheet of what has been paid to BM and why, and if the girls start to call Dad a "deadbeat", show it to them regularly along with what the median income is in the state (with those numbers i'm guessing BM gets a lot more for simply existing than most families make with everyone working.) Also, I hope all that money is required by the court and your DH isn't giving her a cent over what is mandated. If the girls need something he can pay it directly if they really would suffer without it.
I also think it's time the
I also think it's time the girls were introduced to the fact that their father pays their mother money every month to look after them, and that includes clothes - in case they didn't already know. They also need to know that it it was decided by a judge.
Agreed.
We've had multiple conversations with them that mom has plenty of money that is given to her each month FOR THEM. The 14 year old is definitely seeing through her manipulation and has started asking for more (sports equipment, etc.) It's unfortunate we have to have these conversations because she is lying to them but when they come to us and say "mom says she doesn't have any money" it's time for us to put our foot down. The victim card isn't going to fly.
My dad did this to me once
My dad did this to me once when I was in high school and my mom ranted about how he didn't pay child support nor exercised his visitation rights.
He showed me check receipts or whatever they're called.
End the end I still didn't believe that he did his part. He could have simply wrote some checks for show for all I know. Just like a spreadsheet could be created just for show.
Kids are going to believe what they want based on how they're being treated. The older they are the wiser they get at sifting through the lies and misinformation.
This is all the more reason
This is all the more reason these kids need to be told now that Dad pays his share of Groceries, clothes, supplies, etc. for mom's house.
Yep it's time to show them
Yep it's time to show them the facts AND cut BM off from anymore than what the CO states. Send them back with facts and questions. Ask those skids WHY their BM would lie to them about this. Let them stew on that. Facts have a way of stirring things up though so DH will have to be ready to stand up to BM for her lies. These skids will have to deal with her for the rest of their lives so somebody needs to teach them how to see thru her BS. She could be the type that would manipulate her kids into supporting her when they are adults. She is an adult and should manage her money better. They need to know that. Show the CO and point out where BM signed it and agreed to support the skids with that child support.
In situations like this, DH needs to defend himself, if he doesn't, he could lose his kids. BTDT.
i love that
I love that...ask them WHY their mom would lie to them about money. They love their dad so much and know how honest and supportive he is, so I think thats a good way to get their wheels turning without "bad mouthing" mom. Because don't you know it....she put in the divorce agreement that one parent under no circumstance is to speak ill of the other. HMMMMM....future planning much?!
Found this today. Might be
Found this today. Might be some good ammo for your fight on this money issue. Number three is lack of financial literacy
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202312...
I hope you find some moments of holiday peace in the next week.
Well you 4 choices
Well you 4 choices
If you stay with him I'd lean towards a combination of 3 and 4
If he is going above and beyond the court order then he needs to immediately stop because it looks to the court system that he is voluntarily raising his child support and can be legally held to that standard
There is no way I'd allow my husband to provide more to his ex than his current household. I'd raise hell and revoke his intimate access until he figured it out.
he doesn't
he does not pay her one PENNY over what is court mandated.
It doesn't get any easier to
It doesn't get any easier to watch BM use a silver spoon while playing pauper with the children. BM got thousands per month in CS but would turn off the heat and let the SD's freeze telling them she couldn't afford to pay the power company. Pure manipulation. I disagree with some of the above comments to show the kids a spreadsheet. Give them kid appropriate information but they don't need to know details. I would reassure them that you and DH will always be there for them and that even though BM is nervous about money (or so she says) that she will be fine because DH is giving her enough money to support them until age 21. They're kids, they have no concept of money and they won't really get it until they are on their own and pay the bills for themselves. I have seen the "lightbulb" moment go off in my own BK's and I have seen OSDiabla at least begin to get it after she got her first "real" job. YSDiabla is another story, she still mooches off BM. The silver lining of BM living in a nice home (that DH paid for) is that SDiabla24 has a place to live other than with DH and I. It came at a high price but in the long run BM staying afloat is beneficial in keeping the diablas away.
Another benefit of BM hogging all the money for herself is that it helped to motivate Sdiablas to get summer jobs so that they could buy some clothes. Having to work like a regular person helped to pull Sdiablas off their princess thrones.
Make your own money and don't share it. I also do #3 mentioned above except I have no time for keeping receipts. I just buy what I want.
I personally believe that the FC system should be completely dismantled. The only people who really benefit are the people in the system.
Hey, stepqueen88,
Hey, stepqueen88,
You poor thing! In your situation, I'd be equally furious. Reading your post helps me to understand why some, desperate husbands hire hit men! Your DH's greedy, unscrupulous ex-wife falls into that category of understandable homicides. She must have been fun to live with, 'eh?
Look on the bright side, Hon; when the kids age out of CS, the grasping B will end up living under an underpass, since she has no concept of money management.
ETA; I’m not serious (heh, heh). Although I imagine that murderous thoughts must pass through the heads of many financially abused fathers.
Oh wow, this is an extream
Oh wow, this is an extream (but not uncommon) case.
I would start telling your step daughters (both of them) when they ask about money issues that their dad gives their mom money every month to help pay for things they need. No need to go into specifics if you don't feel it is your place or it is appropriate but just so that they hear that Dad pays Mom every month. Eventually they will start asking Mom where that money goes.
Sadly though no one can force her to spend the money on the kids unless they are literally being neglected by her not getting things they need.
Welcome to Step Talk....glad
Welcome to Step Talk....glad you found us.
Your skids are not toddlers.
"However, she does just come to us and ask instead and say "mom said to ask you""-----(good ole double dipping BM)
Pull out the receipts, documents, proof of monies dh has paid bm in an area where the kids will read it. It's ok to show them where the money goes and whom it comes from. BM's, by accident leave all kinds of court papers on top of kitchen and dinning room tables then tell the court it was an accident. So.....if it is good for the goose, it is good for the gander.
They deserves to know the truth that DAD has provided for them all this time.
Why shouldn't the 'chilll-drennn' know that daddy supports them and their mom?
In intact families kids know that dads work to support them. Moms work too, to help the family keep afloat. In most 2nd marriages, Many step moms are giving over their entire pay checks to supplement BM's and the step kids.
In intact families we teach kids starting at a very young age that money does not grow on trees, save for a rainy day, budgeting etc.
It is only in divorce cases that discussing these money matters are forbidden. Then those kids grow UP thinking, my poor mom was a single mom doing it all by herself. OR how can my dad be so cruel to not help usssssssssssss.
It is also important among kids in their peer group to feel,that they too hear the same stories, such as, 'we cant afford this now, or dad said it's too expensive', Mom said we have to save. Kids talk among themselves to feel along and part of the group and nod in agreement.
Lawyers will tell dads to never ever tell the chillll-dreeenn about child support. Why do you think that is? Why don't they want children to know dad supports them?
Your dh supports his teen kids AND bm...kids should be aware of that.
JMO of course.
"Lawyers will tell dads to
"Lawyers will tell dads to never ever tell the chillll-dreeenn about child support. Why do you think that is? Why don't they want children to know dad supports them?"
Yeah, I don't get it. What i do get is not complaining to the kids about money, so they won't feel as if their security is at risk. BUT - if BM is complaining about money, getting the girls all whipped up about how they don't have the money for this or that, dad can say "Yes you do, and here is proof. You won't starve or be homeless at Mom's due to lack of money because I'm supporting you over there as well as over here."
Why is that?
"Lawyers will tell dads to never ever tell the chillll-dreeenn about child support. Why do you think that is? Why don't they want children to know dad supports them?"
Because the attorneys don't want to make waves with the sainted HCGUBM. They make great money fooling dads into thinking that will be fairly treated in court.
Dad tells skids that dad sends BM CS
Skids go back and tell BM this
BM is enraged that she has been exposed
BM calls her attorney that Monday and demands satisfaction
BMs attorney files/contacts dad's attorney
More losing for dad's attorney.
I hear you, sister!
And TT, nobody on this site could be better acquainted with those bitter facts than you! I started watching the Netflix movie, 'Divorce Corps', a while ago and became so outraged that I poured myself a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon and switched to stand-up comedy.
A father's treatment by family court is so prejudicial that it has GOT to change eventually!
Granny, it won't
Because too many systems make money off off the way things are now.
Rumple, I love this!
~ ...I'm supporting you over there as well as over here." ~
stepqueen88, I really think that you should persuade your husband to say those exact words to your SDs as he is being deliberately misrepresented to his daughters by his ex. The treatment he's receiving is such a rank injustice that it's making my blood pressure rise!
Update
Just to clarify some things,
First of all, thank you all for being so welcoming and understanding. Second, my husband does not give her one PENNY over what he is required to by law. Not only has she lied to and manipulated the skids, she has treated us both horribly. It has gotten to the point this year where we have both told each of the girls (multiple conversations, as it comes up a lot) that dad gives mom plenty of CHILD support for them when they are at her house and that they should never feel money insecurities at either household. They have definitely started to see that mom isn't telling the truth, or exaggerating to add to her victim story. However, if we were to ever take her to court and ask for receipts or proof that the girls are taken care of (clothes, food, etc.) we would lose the case instantly simply because 1. she is a mother in NYS, 2. they do have a house and clothes on their back. She just won't be the one buying them and 3. there is food in the house, just not the food that the girls want or eat. (School lunches are free and ordering pizza 3-4 times a week just "works"). They're starting to see it all but fingers crossed they will see the full picture in the future.
My husband doesn't put up with her BS...just to clarify. Especially when it comes to the girls well being (mental health included). Neither of us do...and we are a great team together.
Again, I am blessed that the kids are seeing through it all finally, my frustration is HER. I wish we could take her to court and fight for more custody / pay her less, it's just simply not do-able in NYS.
Yep
NYS is EXTREMELY anti father. Dads have zero chance in court. 1/4/24 will finally end 19.5 years of extortion for us (me).
6 more days and you make the
6 more days and you make the last payment on the Installment Plan Prostitution debt.
Woo hoo!
Can't wait to hear what BM comes up with next to try to get her kids to guilt daddy into maintaining the payments to BM for the rental of her now aged womb.
However, if we were to ever
Yeah unfortunately it's very rare (but not impossible ... so look for such cases with attorney to use as a guildeline if you really want to go this route) for cp to be required to provide accounting of how CS is spent (now there will be scrutiny if the kids needs are obviously being neglected)
Unsavory/Lazy/mentally ill CPs know this and quietly misappropriate funds for their own benefit while skimping on the kids. The sad part is that if they don't correct the errors (or no one calls out that behavior) then the kids miss out. Mature parents realize the error of their ways and strive to do better.
cs is supposed to cover at the least, food / clothing / shelter .... the average CS payment will be maxed out providing those 3 ... especially if the CP is under performing income wise
However good parents do their best to bring additional income in to provide better and make those cs dollars go further
If the kids mother is mismanaging money/spending cs in reckless ways it wouldn't hurt to consult with a very experiened well connected attorney and see what are the options
It seems as though mothers are favored (since we live in a traditional society where moms are typically deemed the more suitable caregivers) but this isn't always the case as some mothers don't even try to hide their inadequacies at caregiving - some women are incapable and it wouldn't be too hard to prove such. And some NCPs would rather just pay the child support than to expend even more resources proving CP maleficence/taking on more custody than they're equipped to handle.
Anyways hope things work out in your and your husband's favor for the children's sake. Usually these kids are very intelligent in figuring out who is really there for them and who is not.
*Im not a licensed lawyer but if you think the BM is fleecing you alls bank accounts then it would be reasonable to consult with the top attorney in town if you haven't already.
Accountabiliy for spending CS
Accountabiliy for spending CS appropriately is something our system avoids like the plague. We can't have the Golden Gene'd CPs held accountable. That would force an end to the NCP funded gravy train that feeds/funds a huge percentage of our court system and the seemingly infinate number of bottom feeder lawyers that live well on the backs of NCPs.
If NCPs kept kids up to speed on the facts and the finances, it would be a whole new ballgame in the power dynamics in blended families. Kids would know that the CP was likely living high on the hog on the NCP's CS contribution.... and..... the NCP telling the kids to ask the CP since the NCP pays the CP to care for them, clothe them, feed them, educated them, etc, etc, etc....
Not one cent beyond CS and anything else the NCP is COd to provide should go to the CP and ... the NCP should keep their foot at the throat of the CP to delivery what the NCP pays the CP to deliver.
Reality... matters. The CP should have to live within the bounds of reality. As should the SKids. So should Judges.
But, I am delusional. Obviously.
IMHO of course.
Time to bare mommy's ass.
Time to bare mommy's ass.
Spread sheet! Sit the SD's down for a financial review of what daddy has given mommy to date.
Every Cent.
Though not in the same context, we did this with SS when the SpermClan started piling on how he only had nice things because of the CS they paid and how that CS took food and nice things away from his three younger also out of wedlock half sibs two two other baby mamas. They started pulling this shit with SS during SpermLand visitation before he was even 10yo.
So, my DW went all CPA on their idiot asses and did the spreadsheet of the pittance paid in CS by the SpermClan. Over the 17+ years of CS, the total paid by the SpermClan to support SS from before he was 1yo until his 18th B-day was less than $50K. According to the SpermClan that pittance bought multiple houses, expensive cars, major glitzy vacations, etc, etc, etc...... and starved the three younger half sibs.
Facts, facts, facts, facts, facts. Tell the Skids to ask their BM when they need something since daddy pays her to care for them and gives her shit tons of $$$ to feed, house, and clothe them.
SS started calling the SpermClan out of their lying bullshit based on the facts and kept them in line for the rest of his CO years and now well into his adult years.
They know better than to do pull that shit with him. He makes it extremely embarrasing for them when they do.
Have fun!!!!