Artichoke Gate
Whelp it happened (again).
Princess Powersulk got a talking to by me, and of course I didnt couch what I said in a calm understated voice, or didnt say the right thing, and of course that was the start of my workweek - an argument with Husband.
Wait. Let me back up.
New Years Day was really nice. Went to the gym with husband, and signed him up for an account as my Christmas Gift. Worked out. Went on a nice walk on the oceans edge. Power Sulk Sd17 was fine. Its her time o the month, so compaining about headaches and this ache and that ache.
We decided on Husbands Loaded Potatoes with butter, cheese, bacon bits and chives and sour cream. And artichokes. Our first meal of 2024. Which we ate in the garage watching Auquaman. Princess Powersulk retired to her room, and I considered she wasnt going to eat artichoke or anything, because although I heard her talking, she didnt come out at all, even to ask if anything was cooked.
This morning as I am getting ready to leave, I see her marching out of her room with a full plate of artichoke fixings and refuse. She knows there is a very solid no eating in room policy. We have spoken of it many times. 10 years of this. Ive been pretty frustrated with her and walking on eggshells has added to the fustration, as well as super mad and angry at Husband. His non-parenting out of fear is making me mad. His catering and coddling is making me mad.
When I saw her carrying the plate, I cracked. I just told her "Powersulk, what the heck! You know there is a no eating in room policy, its been there forever. Please do not do that again. Please and thank you". She replied, ok ok I wont.
Of course Husband asked what happened, and knowing what he would do to ruin a perfectly good morning, I didnt want to tell him. I told him, and then of course what happened next you can all predict:
"oh, so now you know shes going to be glad shes not coming back here for the rest of the week!"
Me-"oh well!"
Him "oh well!!!"
And of course I get the lecture on how I should have handled it. I needed to say something like "heeeey you know thats not allowed, right? Can you just not do that again?" said in a calm almost friendly tone. And then, of course "you need to think about things", my reply "I think about things a LOT". Too much. So I left, with a little slam to the front door.
And thats how I started my first day back to work.
Im in between not walking the eggshell walk anymore, and taking the blame I know will be heaped on me because of course her not wanting to be at our place will somehow become my fault, and becoming even MORE disengaged than I already am. I so want to point out how his non-parenting out of fear isnt working for me and point out how it always happens, anytime I try to correct powersulk on ANYTHING he lashes out at me.
Steptalkers. I know what you will say, youve told me SOOOO many times. Dont care, dont say anything regards Princess Powersulk and Feral Forger, dont correct PSSD17 in anything (because no backup and plenty of lashing out afterwards) and yet, I still correct I still help sometimes.
Question - do I point this out to Husband, to show him? In calm discussion? Sometimes he gets it, in somethings. Or just leave it alone. He thinks lashing out at me is the right thing to do. He thinks me correcting powersulk is the wrong thing to do, or that I sound wrong. I think my big question is should I have just left it alone and not said anything? Or walked eggshell walk?
Things had been going pretty well.And I didnt have to spend NYE with Powersulk, nor paid for anything. Darn. I thought after 10 years I had this thing DOWN.
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Comments
it's your home too, you do
it's your home too, you do not want bugs.
that's really the only explanation you need. she knows the rules, she isn't a baby and her not following rules is up to her but in your home that you and he both pay for, you want to keep it bug free and you were pretty calm in your talking to her. at her age if being reminded of the rules is that upsetting then maybe her parents need to seek a counselor to help het. she's not 5, she knew better.
I think also
Im taking it as a personal "eff you I dont need to worry about you and what you want anymore".
Maybe a middle ground of Ive been resentful of her doing what she wants, when she wants, with whoever and not having any responsibility, and this is just one more, and Im not supporting that anymore.
I feel I was pretty calm and polite. He did not like my "tone". And I am resentful of that. And not going to put up with it anymore.
One little reprimand created a full blown argument. Its the cycle I dont know how to change. Except by removing myself more and more.
How many more years of
How many more years of Princess Powersulk? I had a similar situation and the SKIDs walked all over me because they were not respectful of the rules and DH was more lenient. As adults, they still do this and a full plate of spaghetti was left rotting downstairs recently and unbenownst to us. I brought it upstairs and had DH clean up. At this point I have decided this is a forever problem but they don't live with me so their bad behavior is very isolated and only can have a couple times a year which I then let DH handle and he does without complaints. I understand your frustration and I am HOPING you have just a short amount of time that she's under your roof so you can remove yourself almost entirely from being exposed to the behavior and it becomes a once and awhile disrespectful act.
18 and graduate High School
18 and graduate high school. This happens end of May. She will inevitably want to stay full time in Beach Town, and we will need to have calm discussions of all that entails. If in some twist of whatever she is NOT going to stay with Toxic Troll BM in Beach Town, things will need to be VERY different. Completely different.
Right now, husband is non-parenting out of fear that the last few months she will not want to do visitation. Oh Well!!!!
Ive been thinking about this. I have held way back in correcting or asking her to do anything. Because of all the backlash. SO, now I have decided I WILL in fact do correcting and asking. Its not doing me or anyone any favors. She still has no driving permit. No job. No discussion of what happens after high school.
Non-parenting at it's finest.
Non-parenting at it's finest. It'll be interesting to see how he feels in a year.
I wish
I wish I cared how he feels in a year.
It never works when a parent
It never works when a parent is parenting out of fear. Do what is best for you. Would your DH want/allow her to live there full time after 18/graduation? My SO's ex had a habit of kicking out her kids when the child support stopped.
I doubt
I seriously doubt she wants to live in dusty ag town vs close to friends who drive and have jobs Beach Town.
But of course he would be pleased and would want her there full time.
I suspect Toxic Troll is working on a plan that will keep her low-income apartment and it involves power sulk and a possible disability.
You think TT is trying to get
You think TT is trying to get Powersulk diagnosed with a disability? SO's brother's BM2 is doing that. It's disgusting and makes it that much harder for people who are really incapacitated to get benefits.
She has "heart palpitations"
And has had a perscription for it. So I am researching how a disability can extend child support payments...its...interesting.
Oh my. I really hope she
Oh my. I really hope she doesn't get PowerSulk on disability. She is perfectly able to work and should be pursuing a career to support herself, not learning how to work the system.
Your not-so-D H will always
Your not-so-D H will always be on PS's side and see you as the big ol' meanie who doesn't cater to his pwecious wittle pwincess.
Next time, sweetie, leave that damn door open.
Door open?
Like, literally?
But yes, shes the golden child, and she can do no wrong and there are no repercussions for breaking any rules, and there are no rules that apply to her, so shes not really breaking them is she?
Yes, literally. Works better
Yes, literally. Works better when it's a car... *biggrin*
Not in daaaaaaddy's eyes, she isn't. Even if some part of him secretly admits she broke a rule, it's highly unlikely he'll say a word. Can't upset the pwecious poopsie!
DH: either you step up and
DH: either you step up and parent her or I will. Your choice.
That's all you have to say and do. (Besides leave this man but you aren't there yet)
Gave it 2023
To come up with solution. It was the worst year. Im no closer to leaving. Im no stronger. Things are just not as bad with him.
I would love to be single right now. Not have to deal with Feral Forger SD24 (we nod at each other), not have to deal with Powersulk 1718in5monthsstillnojobordriving, not have to deal with Toxic Troll Bm (always going to be there in the background). Barnical buddy.
But the thing is even when its not bad, its also not that great. I am not appreciated. I am treated as less than. I am treated as not even on the list of priorities. But I am a beneficiary on his life insurance and now his 401 k which I set that up. Its like 20 steps back with 3 steps foward.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Rather than say nothing, you did the right thing, right up until you did not tell DH that his failures to parent are done and either he deals directly with eveyr PS behavioral bullshit element immediately or you will both deal with PS and her shit by putting your foot up her ass, and your other foot firmly where his balls should be and are sadly not. In those words. Or some equally direct words giving the same message.
Stop beating around the bush, be direct, be clear, and let him know that you are done with his parental failures which are making him a failure as your partner. He cannot keep doing to you what he is doing and you cannot keep tolerating it. You have a good thing together that IMHO cannot get better if you keep beating around the bush and skirting the issues.
Trust yourself, and trust him. But, hold him to follow through. That... is your follow through. Do not trust PS she is sadly a product of the example set by TT and FF, and the lack of accountability.
IMHO of course.
Time for the serious F2F with DH to plant the flag on the hill you should defend with all vigor.
Take care of you.
Long term
If you're thinking of splitting, I would wait til after May and see how it's going then. The reason I say that is your relationship will most likely improve once she quits coming and things can calm down between you. That's what happened with us after the kids left.
You were nicer then I would be
There would be some four letter words in my discussion. Like. How many times you f kids need to be told to understand that's there no F Food in your room. Do you have S For brains . Just Waite for your 18 birthday. You know what your F gift is. The F door
LOL
I wish. But timid creature Princess Power Sulk can still report to CPS at this point...
So what?
What's the worst CPS could do at this point? Take away PowerSulk and confide her to her mother's care? Put her into foster care? Do you work with children and fear for your job? If not, then I say have at it! Just for the pleasure of telling her that you don't give a monkey fart about CPS. They're not going to throw you in jail for swearing at the brat.
Here's a thought, say what you have to say and then record her reaction ...
No children
But I do work for the Government/State of California.
I should record her reaction AND husbands...lol!
Incidentally, hes been sweet as pie. I think that he understands I did absolutely nothing wrong. Hes fine with me stepping up (being the bad guy so he can be nice guy) Its not the first time I found out about her eating plates of food in her room, just the first time I blatantly caught her red-handed (artichoke handed)
Have you tried the black rice
Have you tried the black rice trick with her yet? Sprinkle very small amounts of it in places she can't miss. The trick is to not overdo it. It very much resembles mouse droppings... Maybe point it out to your husband before her next visit. Make sure there's a little fresh just before her next visit.
floor has too much junk on it
But its a thought. I doubt that she would be able to see it and shes not grossed out by bugs. In fact as soon as she got some christmas cash (not from me) she bought some rubber bugs that looked like giant cockroaches.
It's suppose to resemble
It's suppose to resemble mouse poop. Chocolate sprinkles work too. I would think her father would be livid to think mice have taken up residence in her room.
Monday morning quarterbacking
Ah, so your DH is my DH. When I say something to a skid that isn't exactly how he would say it, he later tells me I shouldn't have said that, should have said it this way, shouldn't have said anything at all, etc. I told him recently that I've been around for 8yrs and I'm a pretty damn good influence on skids- if you feel the need to criticize everything I say to them after all this time, that's your problem, not mine. He couldn't really argue with that. I'm starting to point out every time he does it, and my DH who seems to find a way to argue everything shut right up when I pointed it out yesterday. They just love to Monday morning quarterback conversations with skids because heaven forbid we say something too sternly/accusatory/enforce a rule/teach them how to be a good human, etc.
In this instance, I would have said exactly what you said about food in the room. We have the same rule, except If it were DH seeing a skid with food in their room, he wouldn't say a peep because he doesn't enforce rules. I am the only one "policing" the rules, per DH.
Okay then.
If you would step up and do your F'n job as a parent I wouldn't have to say anything. Until you do you can STFU about what words I use to do the job you are not doing."
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Oh Em GEE There's a name for THAT?
Yes he does that everytime hes around for either my "message" or the "fallout".
And then I get to watch him in (in) action.
Im so done.
Their way is the only way
Oh yes! Monday morning quarterbacking is the practice of looking back at a game/conversation and criticizing the shit out of it, telling everyone how they could have done it better or how it should have been done. In step-life, of course DH's way of parenting is the only right way of parenting, and their way of talking to skids is the only way. We silly SM's couldn't know anything.
CLove,
I cannot tell a lie. I just bought a can of quartered artichoke hearts on the covert COVID + grocery run.
Should I be looking out for the people in the black suits.
Enjoy! They more than likely
Came from my neck o the woods!