Update....he's ouuuuutttttt.....need input
So I've read posts on here for the last couple years but not posted as nothing has changed since last time when skid wrote the letter asking to move in. He now is in a neighboring town having been released from prison a few months back. Skids response (these were being funneled through dh) was "she needs to forgive me!" To which I replied that just because I forgive him doesn't mean ihave to want a relationship with him. Dh at some point said he yelled at him saying "dont you ever say hi to *********** again!!"
The thing going on now is dh, myself,and my kids (young adults) are at odds as to whether he should be allowed at the house or not. He came by once and I had to go somewhere. He OF COURSE said hello to me and I ignored him. I was pretty ticked off that he was there as well as blocking me when dh could've had him park on the street. He was smirking at me likely enjoying me being upset.
Does this boundary sound reasonable to y'all? Am I wrong for feeling hsrassed with him saying hi even after dh told.him not to?? When I try to explain he makes me uncomfortable and we dont get along I get speeches about how he's changed, that's my son, he's being the bigger person, he just wants to show you he's friendly (per my oldest son).
Any ways to discourage him coming over? Is it better for me to ignore him or continue raising a stink when he comes by?
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He a criminal
You don't need criminals stealing from you or your neighbors. You are an adult , he Is old enough to be an adult. Tell DH to see his kid someplace far away from your home. If he wants to see his son. Tell DH you don't want S.W..A.T. breaking down your door
Dh believes he's changed is
Dh believes he's changed is the problem.
Maybe so, but you haven't and
Maybe so, but you haven't and you don't want him anywhere near you. In other words, he should never set foot in your home ever again. Tell your husband not to be so damn lazy and see his kid elsewhere m
FWIW, when he blocked my car in, I'd have had his towed... and stood there with a smile as it happened.
Perhaps I'm stating the obvious
but if your DH is stating 'he's changed' he is clearly an enabler. DO NOT let this skid back into your home. Tell DH to make arrangements to meet the criminal elsewhere. Maybe the skid has changed...time will tell. but once you've done wrong, it takes a long time to prove to others' you've changed.
Your house is your safe place
Your house is your safe place. They can go out to eat to a resturant or elsewhere - they don't need to be there. That's the rule. No, he should not be allowed back in - that will be a disaster. Offer to your husband an opportunity to go eat out near the SKID's place - save him gas, gets him a meal and you two don't need ot interact.
Question: Why was he in prison ? Don't need all the details but wondering if that's enough of a reason that he can NEVER be in your home. Even if he's changed maybe there's a threat of his friends on drugs or his own unsafe behavior.
Not comfortable getting into
Not comfortable getting into why...what kind of disaster are you forseeing with him visiting at the house? Just wondering if possible chaos could ensue that I'm overlooking.
A criminal record results in a permanent ban from many places.
Yes, and that is for a spent conviction, regardless of crime, regardless how many decades ago. Most developed countries in the world won't let someone with a criminal record enter or even apply for a visa. Many jobs won't consider an applicant who ticked "yes" next to the criminal record question. They don't want to know the particulars, just the very plain fact is enough, and should be for your house, your safe space.
The reason for asking is
The reason for asking about his behavior - if he has a pattern of violence, drugs, stealing or something else that can be harmful to you or others then you have a VERY strong case of why your husband has to protect you and he should never enter your home. To be quite frank I would not want to invite any trouble into my home no matter how big or small it is. Just a bit more strength to your argument. That being said Banksia is CORRECT- your home is your safe space, no matter what he's done or hasn't done you do NOT need to justify why you do not want him in the home- it's your home.
It's a valid question...
Why he was in jail......was he convicted of? I don't think they were being nosey when they asked. drug dealing? Pedophilia? petty theft? Depending on the offense the skid was in jail for means a lot. No, you don't have to get into tall the dirty details but the charges/crime are a factor here.
I wouldn’t allow him to visit
At your home. If DH wants to spend time with him, they can meet elsewhere. It's only a matter of time before he gets back into trouble. DH should understand and respect your wishes.
I agree that your DH can, and
I agree that your DH can, and should, see his son somewhere besides your home.
I don't agree that saying, "Hi," to someone is harassment. If you choose not to respond, that's your business but it's kind of childish, and maybe a bit satisfying for him, proving to himself that he's being the "bigger person" (and knowing that it makes you livid).
A simple response does not mean that you've changed your mind about him or want him in your home, it does not mean that you want to be buddies, and it doesn't mean that you have to engage in any further discussion with him.
I don't get how it's not
I don't get how it's not harassment if he knows I don't want him talking to me and dh has told him not to say hi.
the reason I don't respond is because I'm trying to show where my boundaries are and I don't want to open the door for " well you said hi so how does he know that you don't want to make up and give him a chance?"
So respond with a glare and "
So respond with a glare and " bugger off".
Dh's likely response: "him's
Dh's likely response: "him's only trying to make an AMENDDDDDS and be the biggurrrrr PUUUUURRRRRson!!!!!!! You're not giving him a chance and you're being ruuuuuude!!!"
You don’t owe him any chances.
He's not your child, you don't like criminals and that's that.
Welll...I've known a few
Welll...I've known a few former criminals who are perfectly nice. Idk if he's changed or not but its just unhealthy for me to have a relationship with him because of the way I've been blamed and been the scapegoat over the years. I'm simply over it.
"Hi. Now leave my property,
"Hi. Now leave my property, you are not welcome, here."
No misunderstanding, there.
If your husband has told him not to talk to you, yet allows him in your home, that is a mixed message, in itself, as it's rude to ignore someone on their own home. Many step parents complain about just that on this site.
So now, your husband knows that his son is not capable of doing as asked, so needs to not come to your home. Your husband can see for himself, in time, if his son has really changed or not, which is of no concern to you. If he has changed, good for him, but it doesn't mean that you have to ever be around him.
Dh thinks me not wanting him
Dh thinks me not wanting him around the property (they were outside not in the house) is unreasonable. Skid knows how I feel though so considering that plus them being outside skid could've easily continued yip yapping with dh and ignored me.
I think he's capable of doing as dh asked he's just too obsessed with trying to get me to engage to care.
In all honesty, you have a DH
In all honesty, you have a DH issue.
Until that changes you might as well just used to him being around you.
I will NEVER be used to that.
I will NEVER be used to that.
I've done the research...cops
I've done the research...cops wont remove him if dh wants him on the property.
it's not harassment to say hi
if your DH is allowing him access to your property. Maybe you should check with a lawyer as to what constitutes harassment. Seems like there's a lot more to this than what we are reading. Good luck to you.
Where is the charming SS
Where is the charming SS living now? Half way house?
DH can go visit him there or at his work which probably is a requirement for his release.
Problem solved.
For some reason some step parents forget that they (YOU) have say so in this marriage too.
Remember a NO takes precedence over a yes.
Again,
A NO response in a decision take precedence over a yes.
Let that sink in....IF you say NO, SS is not welcome here and DH says yes....the NO is the end result until there are two yes's.
You are not required to bend to dh wishes. HE can see his criminal kid elsewhere.
Your situation
Aside from the prison part, which, I am sure won't be too long before it is, you seem to have the same struggle I have. SKID24(college student) doesn't care for me. I have accepted it. When he is there, I feel uncomfortable with the constant "elephant in the room" feeling. He won't speak unless I do, won't talk unless I do, and I am just over it now. Also another SKID27 living with us full time who doesn't work or do chores or sh*t around the house. My therapist told me that I need to find a way to "not" be uncomfortable in my home, but just him being there is uncomfortable for me. I would like a relationship/family with these kids, but it just ain't going to happen. I have threatend that I want my own place.
Just keep an eye on the court
Just keep an eye on the court docket. Next time he gets arrested make sure to let your DH know that he has NOT changed.
Responding with
You must see SS changes. Give it a few years and maybe SS can visit for the day. You will not have another adult living in your home. If DH was such a great parent his kid would not ne in jail So DH shares some of the blame
My skids aren't convicted
My skids aren't convicted criminals and more than 95% of the time, DH sees them outside of our house because they are aholes and I don't want to deal with their rudeness. Your DH can meet Prison Boy OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOME....at a restaurant, etc.
To me, her husband inviting
To me, her husband inviting him to their home, even if it's just in the yard and not inside the house, is the problem. He needs to stop pushing OP's boundaries.
Yes he should keep him
Yes he should keep him appropriately distant. Unfortunately that's not happening. And skid who's done soooooooo muuuuuucccchhhhhh hopey-changey shouldnt insist on coming around and making me uncomfortable either.
I think what's REALLY
I think what's REALLY creating the "drama that does not have to happen" is skid insisting on coming over knowing full well how uncomfortable it makes me and REFUSING to ignore me even AFTER dh had already told him not to say hi to me ever again.
Skid's INSISTENCE on saying hi to me knowing I dont want it to me is deliberatly trying to put me in a corner by A) attempting to make me look bad if I ignore him or chew him out or
pretending that everything is fine and dandy putting on fake airs if DO say hi back.
I agree on his historic behaviors but the problem I am running into is dh and my kids are claiming how much he's changed. They are ignoring me when I say that his change or lack thereof is not the reason I dont want a relationship with him.
I see nothing unreasonable about expecting skid to refrain from interacting with me if I have made it clear I dont want him to.
It sounds like you and your
It sounds like you and your DH both need to firm up your boundaries. If having SS at the house is uncomfortable for you, he shouldn't be there. DH then has to decide whether or not your boundary is one that he can respect. You decide who does and doesn't play a role in your life. And so does your DH. If DH decides that he can't accept your boundary, then he has a decision to make. I'm not a fan of banning the SKs from the house but, if he's behaved in ways that have gotten you to this point, then his not being welcome at your home is on him, not you. My SKs are no longer welcome at my home, and that's heartbreaking for my DH, but my DH also understands that they've made themselves unwelcome.