Do you ever just feel like giving up?
My stepson will be 18 in October. It's been a long, very hard road with him. Along the way, I didn't have hardly any support from my husband during all of the drama with my stepson. Through counseling, things have gotten slightly better, but this past weekend, my stepson smarted off to me again. We recently bought a car for my stepson, and he has been completely ungrateful. He doesn't even bother to keep it clean. He always gets upset whenever he gets called out for not taking car of his car. I stood up to him and put him in his place. My husband just stood back, and I asked him to go have a chat with his son.
Later that evening, I was really upset, because all of these feelings came flooding back. These were feelings of frustration, feeling used, regretting that I married a man with a child, etc. I tried to vent my frustrations to my husband, and instead of being supportive, he just invalidated me. To make a long story short, we slept in separate bedrooms last night.
I'm not sure of my point in writing this except to vent, I guess. I keep trying to tell myself that things will get better once stepson is 18 and graduates from high school. I just have a lot of resentment against him and my husband.
Thank you for reading.
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I went back and looked at
I went back and looked at your prior post. It sounds like your SS has some diagnosis that would definitely explain his obstinance to your orders.. his defiance. It also is pretty clear that your husband abdicated a lot of the responsiblility of raising his son to his EX and her parents... so at this point.. you have an 18 yo adult that likely feels he is very much his own adult person and doesn't have to listen to you... and your SO.. wasn't much of an authority figure.. and is likely a passive kind of person..
What to do? Disengage. You say "we bought him a car".. your financial contributions are not something you are obligated to contribute to your step son. You should not have had to pitch in on the car.. your husband? sure.. if he wanted to for his son.. but you.. no.
So.. if you personally had not contributed.. then you probably would not need to or be entitled to tell him "how to take care of it".
I would also try to put this in perspective of hills to die on. What are the consequences of him not keeping the car clean? he is the one to drive a dirty car.. if he doesn't maintain it and it breaks down.. he is without transportation.
You can certainly decide not to care unless the problem comes home to roost in your own household's finances.
At 18.. hopefully there is a plan for him to go to school.. work.. get independent at some point.. THAT would be the thing I would be hoping would be coming into focus. Getting on him about whether he vacuumed the car or washed it would not be things high on my list.. knowing your husband agreed on the plans that he would soon be living independently.. THAT would be my goal.
For better or worse.. he is not your bio son.. and it's up to his parents to raise him.. you can set boundaries as to your finances supporting him.. whether he lives at home as an adult etc... but at this point.. it's probably a bit late for you to try to make him a better person.
Thank you for your reply
You hit the nail on the head. Stepson suffers from ADHD and ODD. So it has definitely been a major struggle for years! My husband was way too passive in raising him. Stepson has a job, but that was actually because I put my foot down last Summer and told him that he had to get one. His mother and father just baby him most of the time. Luckily, he has managed to keep a job. I really don't know how serious he is about college. It would shock me if he actually attends. I have tried disengaging, but I realize that I need to disengage much further in order to keep my sanity. Although we went through premarital counseling, I had no idea that being a stepmom would be like this.
I get it... it's tough. I'm
I get it... it's tough. I'm a childless SM.. and of course.. I had my own ideas about how my SK's should be raised.. what they should or should not do (spoiler.. I actually was for more freedoms than my husband was in some ways..lol because I thought it developed independence and self sufficiency.. it paid off well for my YSD.. who still comes to me to help get her dad's support on things).
But.. they are also human beings with their own ideas.. and one of those might be that they didn't ask for another adult to come in and "parent" them.. so I tried to encourage my husband to improve manners and to impress upon importance of learning etc.. but I tried to let him make the calls.. even when I didn't always agree.. it was only when I saw a direct impact on me that I would press more.
In the end.. it's his (and his EX's ) kid.. it' is this kid's life to live.. and if he hasn't developed some habits by 18? it probably is goung to be tough to do it now.. but your husband can let him experience real life consequences.. not punishment by dad per se.. and sometimes people just have to learn these things for themselves.
Being childless
Like you, I also don't have any biological children. I think that because of this, my husband really doesn't value my opinions when it comes to his son.
It is not giving up,
It is not giving up,
It IS changing course.
Stop the parenting
You wont be supported and skid will resent you. Your husband doesnt have your back, and has failed to parent his own child.
Im gathering with his behavior issues and the lack of parenting, skid probably has some abandonment issues on top of the other stuff.
Good on you for insisting he get and keep a job. And at least hes driving!
SD24 Feral Forger still doesnt drive, and is no contact with me because shes a horrid person (read my blogs!) and SD17almost18 Powersulk has no permit/doesnt drive and has never had a job.
SO, these failures to parent are not uncommon.
I would also try to mentally
I would also try to mentally frame it as not giving up.. but there is some truth to the saying that asks god to give us the strength to change things.. the serenity to accept those that cannot be changed and the wisdom to know the difference.
Sometimes we have to accept that there are things that are not in our control. That while we may have some very valuable input.. in the end.... you can drag a horse to water but you can't make them drink. If the boy is not interested in your input.. (as the adult he is).. and your DH is not able to develop a backbone.. you need to do what you need to to emotionally and otherwise protect you from consequences.. and recognize that sometimes people have to learn their own lessons..
Let him trash the car, its
Let him trash the car, its not like you paid for it.
I have an OSS22 who is similar to yours.
For your own safety and sanity, please grey rock this person as much as you can and avoid all interactions. Do not spend money or invest in anything related to the steps unless you are ready to feel used or taken for granted.
Paying too much
My husband and I both paid for the truck. I was trying to be "nice" again. That's where I made my mistake. I never should have contributed a cent to that vehicle. When will I learn? I will try the grey rock technique. I had never heard of it before.
Your DH is a failure as a man
Your DH is a failure as a man, a parent and as your mate. Why is he still in your life? Don't just sleep in separate rooms.
Boot his ass.