Stepson continues to be manipulative and toxic
Following up on my previous entry, my wife reached out to my stepson today to see if he would want to come over, noting I have agreed to go to a friend's house for the day. He refused, saying he doesn't believe I won't show up to resolve things and will only meet her and my kids out somewhere. My wife told me she was very upset by this and continues to blame me for the situation. As a refresher, he put a boundary up of cutting me out of his life due to years of our negative relationship, me saying things, etc. However it does not acknowledge (nor does my wife) that he has been saying since before I came into the picture that he wants to live with his dad, his dad is a borderline sociopath and has been manipulating and grooming him from the beginning, not to mention my wife and her parents have contributed here. I don't mean to deflect, but I get it. I am the outsider. I have the weakest relationship with him so now I am being used (in my opinion) as the reason why he doesn't want to come around anymore, even though he hasn't been much for years, and is only now saying it's all because of me. And my wife blames me for this saying I am the reason she is in this situation, which I feel discounts all of the other influences, namely his toxic and manipulative father and her son for years constantly refusing to accept me, comparing everything to over his dad's that everything is better there, and so on. I have been working on myself a lot lately but this is a curveball I don't like getting at random, meaning her outreaches to him and him spewing this nonsense. For additional context, he told her a couple of days after our blowout happened that he prayed I did not hit her out of anger. For one, I have never abused my wife or anyone. When he was really little, before me, his dad actually abused my wife resulting in a restraining order. And he also never prays. He also told her he doesn't text her much because of me, which makes no sense. I own my role in not having a good relationship with him and struggling not to say negative things about his father or in general, but not sure where to go with this, especially if my wife is going to continue to be unable to see her son's delusions for what they are.
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Lawrd, SS is replaying his
Lawrd, SS is replaying his childhood trauma on you...and oddly (but not so odd...gaslighting is a thing) his dad's sins are being placed on you. Could be coming from the father, ss or a combo of the two. Yucky situation.
Definitely is a yucky
Definitely is a yucky situation. I should have been more clear, SS was not present to witness the physical abuse but knows about it from my wife telling him. My SS is a puppet, thinks, feels, and does exactly how his dad wants him to, believing it is all his own when it's not so would not be suprised if it is a combination
(step)Parental alienation at
(step)Parental alienation at it's finest - learn to disengage Lancer13 that's about all you can do.
Can you elaborate when you
Can you elaborate when you say disengage?
There is no reason you need
There is no reason you need to have a relationship with this little shit, and leaving your home at his whim is ludicrous. Why does she have to see him there? I am sure he doesn't want to see his siblings, that is your wife's fantasy. If my husband had ever tried this horseshit with me I would laugh in his face. Stand your ground, you don't want your kids to see you being manipulated like this. It isn't good for them.
I think he does care about
I think he does care about and enjoy my kids, to a degree, but in my opinion, a large part of all of this is again my wife seeing everything for what it really is and not just staying on the wagon of it's all on me
SS has to grow up an be a person
He older now and should reach a place where you can co exist for a few hours. Holiday dinners, ect. Your wife married and had a kid with a borderline sociopath [how did she miss that]. [age old question, Never got a good answer]. So something is wrong with her too. You get the bad end of the stick. Having other people controlling your life
I agree but what do you
I agree but what do you suggest?
You do NOT have any bio
You do NOT have any bio children with your wife, correct?
There is so much drama going that will likely never go away.
Ask yourself, is this how I want to live the rest of my life? It is ok to divorce for the betterment of everyone involved.
Should you decide to stay---I would keep a distance, far distance from her kid. AND, I would never be alone in the home with him either.
Everything that you mentioned is pure drama. BTW, and please remember this:
you are NOT required morally or legally to have a relationship with her kid/s. I always wondered who made that myth up. But it sure did take off like a wild fire. My guess it was a bitter, high conflict bm.
Key word here is 'relationship'. We all know what relationship means....different then helping a child during an emergency. Sorry, but I had to put that out there.
I do have two toddlers with
I do have two toddlers with my wife so yes two bios, what do you think now with that info?
That is your home!
But I get why you are doing this - you figure that if you take yourself completely out of the equation, you cannot be "used" as the "reason why" he doesnt have a relatinship with his mother, who has her head stuck way up in there. Using you as reason he doesnt TEXT?
The thing is I think she knows she just deflects it all onto you because its convenient.
I think she knows and wont even admit it to herself.
SD24 Feral Forger, she does something similar. She will take a truth, rewrite the narrative and repeat that until she believes the re-write to be the truth. Like shes programming herself, and then starts spewing the lies, until those around her believe it to be true also.
I think she is aware of all
I think she is aware of all the other factors/people that have generated this situation but finds it easier to just take his side/explanation in empathy...
You have disengaged from
You have disengaged from direct contact with your ss but I think you should consider disengaging from your wife's discussion of her son. Don't engage with her about it at all unless it directly involves you. Say something non-commital then change the subject or leave the room. If it involves you stick with brief facts only.
When she is left to deal with it all on her own she *might* begin to see you're not the only reason he's being a pita.
I think that's sound advice,
I think that's sound advice, to only talk about him if it's necessary, like when they meet up and just make the focal point to work on myself
I'm a standards of behavior
I'm a standards of behavior and standards of performance guy. I would not allow SS, his Spermidiot, or your own DW to put this on you. Her shit parenting, Speridiot's character void violent abusive example in beating SS's mother, and their wholey shallow and polluted gene pool spawn are at fault. Sure, you may have a few things you could have done differently, but this is on the shit spawn's parent's shoulders and on the shoulders of the shit spawn.
Do not blame yourself for their failed coupling, their failed parenting, and their failed spawn. This is on the three of them. Not you.
I would sit my DW down and give her clarity on reality and let her know that if her shit failed family spawn is going to remain a part of your marriage that his behaviors will not be tolerated unless he is respectful and well behaved rather than how he has behaved under her parenting and his wife beating father's manipulations. Reminding your DW that her X beat her needs to happen IMHO. She needs to know what her own spawn will likely end up doing to his own SOs in life and one of them may press charges and put his nasty ass in prison. Where his Spermidiot should be.
Grrrrrr.
Preach man. But he isn't
Preach man. But he isn't coming over, citing what my post said, so it's just dealing with it as it comes up