Son is making me choose between and stepdad/spouse

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Hi, I'm new to the forum.

My husband is a stepdad to my 2 older kids. My first husband left me when my daughter was 3 and I was pregnant with our second.

My husband and I met when my kids were 5 and 2. We married 6 years later. We have been married now for 24 years. We also had 2 children. My older kids saw their bio dad on weekends. They called their stepdad dad. They didn't seem to mind. My husband and I have had a rocky relationship with my older son. He has been kicked out of high school for doing pot. He has been fired from several jobs. He blames everyone for his behaviour. I had to kick him out of the house when he was 18 because he was doing drugs in the house and we had 2 small children at home.

He is now 32. He lives with his girlfriend and recently had a baby. He told me that I can see the baby but his stepdad can't. He said he finds him too negative and doesn't want him in his life or his childs. I told him that I'm not dividing the family. My husband financially supported him as I was a stay at home mom. My husband has helped paid his debt and raised him like his own. I'm at my wits end as to what to do. My husband is very hurt but told me I could go see him if I want. I feel like I'm betraying him by going but I hate not seeing my grandchild.

My son will not budge. I've pleaded with him to change his mind. Do I go or do I stand by my husband? I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks for the reply. It

Thanks for the reply. It helps to know I am doing the right thing. The GK is already 7 months old and I haven't met her. It hurts my heart to not be able to see her. My son emails me and tells me what a POS I am for not going and that I'll have to live with the consequences. He blames me for his so called crappy childhood. He now has a better relationship with bio dad, the one who left me when i was pregnant with him. So unbelievable.

Your son has a history of

Your son has a history of making bad choices - this is just the latest one. I'm pretty sure you'll get to see your grandchild on your terms when your son decides he needs a babysitter... Stick to your guns and remember all that your husband has done over the years for two kids that weren't even his. If your son doesn't want him in his life well ... that's his loss. Sad to say that his child could probably do with a decent father figure in her/his life.

Please support your marriage.

Please support your marriage. DH is the one who has always been there for you.

Welcome to StepTalk. I agree

Welcome to StepTalk. I agree with everyone else. Your husband comes first. My DH and I learned that the hard way. His daughter decided to divide the family for a celebration because she was mad at me. I loved my SD, but knew she could be manipulative and that she was putting his loyalty to the test. I asked DH to put his foot down and not go, but he went anyway, thinking he could "smooth over" the situation. You can read my blogs for the whole terrible saga if you're interested, but the bottom line is, his making that decision reinforced SD's behaviour, and her behaviour was specifically meant to hurt me. And that was soul crushing. It sounds like your son is doing the same thing. It sounds like he's had resentment toward your DH and he's using his new baby as a weapon. Please don't reinforce that. It will only lead to further manipulation by your son and heartache for your DH (who sounds like a keeper).

Wow, it's so hard to believe

Wow, it's so hard to believe how kids can grow up to be so manipulative. I'm so sorry you went through that. My GK is 7 months old and I haven't met her. It's so hard not to fold. My DH supported him most of his life. I can't believe my son can be so cold hearted towards him and allowing his daughter to not be with our family. I'm trying to figure how to email him to make it clear he can't manipulate us. I don't want to close the door forever on the possibility of a reconciliation.

I'll check out your previous blog. Thanks for the input.

I don't have any grandkids

I don't have any grandkids yet so I can only imagine how painful this must be for you. When you email your son, communicate your boundaries (ie, you and DH are a partnership) even if you're sure he won't respect them. At the end of the day, if he chooses to not respect the boundaries then he's made his choice.

Thanks for the advice. I

Thanks for the advice. I never realized how much my DH would have to tolerate being a SD. I try to put myself in his shoes and I would be devastated if he saw a GK without me. It's hard to walk away from my son and his family but I need to put my DH first and pray that in time my son will come around.

it must be so hard for you to feel like a stranger with the GKids. A very painful situation. I hope you're taking care of yourself.

Keep reminding yourself that

Keep reminding yourself that you're not walking away from you son. He's walking away from you.

When SD was a teen and cut

When SD was a teen and cut us off, we saw a counselor (for that and BM harassment reasons), who suggested something that DH ultimately did: He sent her an email/letter that said something like, "We are here. We are not abusers nor are we criminals, and we will be here here for you." Simple statement that put it back on her and plainly stated the facts.
Someone mentioned needing a babysitter. People like your son, like my SD, come around when they need something. We heard from SD when she was ready to go to an out-of-state private college and needed cash. So, yea, your son and GF might "break" within months and want you to meet/watch the baby.
Sorry you're going through this.

Thank you for your reply. I

Thank you for your reply. I was thinking of having my DH reach out to my son. He knows how my son feels about him so I'll have to see if he is willing to do that. It's a terrible thing when your adult kid treats family so badly.

This must be do difficult for

This must be do difficult for you and your husband. I agree that possibly a joint message of solidarity from you and your DH to your son might be in order. I am guessing that your husband was NOT in fact abusive to your kids.. didn't hit them.. wasn't belittling to them etc.. (obviously if he in fact was overly tough on the kids.. then your son could be resentful that you allowed it.. but the truth in your heart knows that your husband was a good man).

Son, I'm sorry that you are refusing to have us in your life. We both love you and have never wanted anything less than the best for you in your life. I'm sure you will find in time that it's not always easy to raise your kids when they decide to do things that are harmful to their future.. and that you will do the best you can in those situations.. just like we did. We were not abusive, we only want the best for you.. and your family. We are ready to be in your life when you want us to be there for you. We are a package deal though.. you can't pick and choose one of us to be excluded. We both love you and care for you.. and will be ready when you want to be in our lives again.

I so appreciate all the feedback

My DH was never abusive. He left the discipline to me. If anything he would shut down emotionally when the skids were hard to deal with. My older kids, now 35 and 32, have been in his life since they were 2 and 5. Thankfully my older daughter has a good relationship with my DH. My DH financially supported us all and took us on trips. My ex paid child support but tried to take us to court to have my DH pay for all the support. Thankfully the judge saw through that. My son is so much like his bio dad. Very manipulative. My son has also cut his older sister out of his life because he didn't agree with her getting the vaccine during Covid. So the only family my son has is his girlfriend's family and the bio dad who left me when I was pregnant with him. Go figure.

The joint email is a good idea. I'll definitely talk to my DH about it. I like how you worded it. Thank you for your input.

much appreciated.

I have sent him many emails

I have sent him many emails standing firm to not see him if DH was not welcome. He replies with hateful emails. He said I made the choice to marry him and he did not. He said I'm choosing my DH over him and the GK and that im a crappy mother and grandmother for doing this. I always feel physically sick when I hear from him. I thought if my DH and I both sent another email together my son might have a change of heart. I feel like I'm walking a fine line.

Thanks for replying.

Don't let him put you in the

Don't let him put you in the middle. You had every right to marry the man of your choice. The only one making a choice in this situation is your son.

Frankly, he should be ashamed of himself. He doesn't have to like your husband but if he were a decent human being he would, at least, be polite and treat him decently. Not doing so is disrespectful to not only your husband but also to you.

Yes, he only communicates by

Yes, he only communicates by email. I told him in my last email to him that further communication would have to be by phone or person. He again replied by email and ignored my request. I didn't respond.

Thanks for your advice. I hope your situation is getting better. These are never easy problems to solve if they ever do,

Everything folks are saying

Everything folks are saying above is SAGE advice and veterans of this process. Keep us updated on your journey, we're here to support you even if you mistakes happen along the way! Nothing to add because everything above is actually the path you should take.

You have to live your life

You have to have a place to live, eat, dress. Do things go out to eat, movies vacation ect. You do this with your DH Who had your back for many years. You know that your DS will try to control you more lf you fall for his crazy ways.
Yiu must have your DH back, you must respect him and what he did. He didn't have to be a father to DS.

'It's hard to not to see your GK. BUT it's not going to change your life. Disrespecting DH will change your life, with no way of going back. Thus would be unforgivable.

So the next time you are on the beach of some island, In a Trooicak Resort, with a umbrella drink. Thinking about what restaurants to eat tonight . Have a drink for GK, and DS crazy train

You're right. I took vows and

You're right. I took vows and I'm standing by my DH. It's hard. I always wanted the family to be close. My DH doesn't deserve to be treated so badly.Thanks for your input.

You have to consider, what

You have to consider, what will the next demand be? If you cave on this you will constantly be jumping thru this kids hoops. When my younger son and wife had baby, they said I had to come over and be supervised by them a few times, then maybe I could babysit for an hour. I passed, told them we could try when she was older.

So sorry this happened to you

So sorry this happened to you. You give everything to your kids and then they turn on you. Hopefully one day they have a conscience and realize how badly they treat family. It's terrible the Gkids have to pay the price.

They were just being hyper

They were just being hyper stupid new parents. They got over it!

Well done, Kloewent! And when

Well done, Kloewent! And when the new parents produce their second child, they'll be begging for a 'granny' sitter, regardless of the infant's age.

And BTW, Hon, in your post of Mon, 02/19/2024 - 2:02pm, I love how you used 'younger' instead of 'youngest' in reference to your two sons. As a lieutenant in the Grammar Police, the common misuse of younger/youngest is one of my bugbears.

Hang in there Capri. Your son

Hang in there Capri. Your son is asking you to choose between two people you love. Your DH isn't. As hard as it is, you may want to cease all communication with your son for a while. You can't unhear/unsee those nasty emails, and he can't take those things back, so it may be better to not give him anymore rope. For whatever reason, your son is angry and he's made your DH the scape goat. He wants to express that anger. Everytime you engage it gives him more opportunity to do that. From my own experience, it's unlikely he'll be any more reasonable in person. If I were you, I would simply tell him that you want to work things out and that he should let you know when he feels like he can have a calm and productive conversation. If my DH and I had done that from the beginning, we would have saved ourselves a lot of grief. We finally had to accept that every carefully worded attempt to reason with him was going to be met with nastiness.

You're right. I have to back

You're right. I have to back away. The emails are terrible. I feel sick whenever I see them. Perhaps I'll have to block them. I need to keep my sanity.

I hope your situation has gotten better.

thanks for sharing

SS sounds like

He sounds like a total and utter emotional terrorist. You do not negotiate with Terrorists. Period.

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Son is making me choose between and stepdad/spouse