Update post advice
Just wanted to post an update from a previous post where I received lots of good advice!
Skids have been causing arguements and problems for a long long time. I think I lost myself and my voice. I found it. I told my partner in no uncertain terms that I will no longer feel like a guest in my own home when his kids arrive. I will no longer compromise my happiness for their feral behaviour. I told him he needed to step up and parent his children or he should find somewhere else to have them because I am DONE! I also post a finance conversation checked the legalities and ask for a small "rent". I also have refused to pay for his children from this point forwards. They are his kids his choices and his financial burden not mine.
he seems to have taken this on board. He has stepped up and parented his kids. He has stopped with the soft approach and made it clear the boundaries and what is acceptable.
i hope he has realised that whilst I appreciate the important and value his kids have to him, I am also important and valuable and if that is not recognised I will leave.
much happier dynamics at home and I don't dread the weekends they are here now. Yea I can't wait for them to leave but it doesn't feel like utter hell and there isn't 3 / 4 day long arguments after they go.
thank you all for your advice. Long May this continue!
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Comments
If you change plans do it for you
Not SK or DH. I understand that taking SK to do something you have plan may cause you to spend money on them. They will try to screw up your activities. Ect. Just because DH did it this weekend maybe because he's hoping you forget about the money . He's share of his kids expenses.
No things have been improving
No things have been improving dramatically for a good 6 weeks. We have an agreement that if my partner decides he is taking them for dinner he will ask if I want to come but the understanding is I pay for me and me alone. If I want to go and do something I ask him but he again pays for him and his children. I'm a home girl so tbh anything I want to do is walking dogs or bits round the house.
there has been a couple of occasions he has said hey I want to do this, for example dinner and bowling, would I like to come. I said I'm happy to come to dinner but not bowling and reminded him that this would be costing him in excess of £100 as I'm not paying for his kids anymore and he said oh right yea I forgot. It didn't happen because he couldn't afford it but there was no arguing or guilt tripping. My boundaries so far are being consistently respected
Love this update!
So glad you found your voice.
Yeah, no fun when you dont have the cashola.
You have a real winner here
A SO who wants you to support him and his kids. To take them bowling and pay for it. You didn't pay he didn't go. This I'd going to blow up. Unless he for for his own kids , life isn't going to be to good for him
We have for a long time gone
We have for a long time gone halves so the £50 was affordable the £100 wasn't. He has since taken them to do things or for dinner without a penny from me. I'll monitor but it's a change so he has the benefit of the doubt that at the start he forgot.
He might just have to fail a
He might just have to fail a few times and end up spending more than he can really afford before he starts to proactively consider his budget when making his plans. He'll get there because you're sticking to your agreement and he'll be forced to deal with the consequences, it is a new way of thinking for him so might not be at the front of his brain initially.
Oh he will fail because it's
Oh he will fail because it's a total culture shock. He spoils the boys when he can't afford it which has been one of our arguments so i decided let him fuck himself over but I'm not spending my money on his kids. He got them takeaway, I said no I didn't want. It only takes cash. He was £3 short which he knew I had in my car. I didn't give it he had to go to the cash point. It's the principle and I'm sticking to it! It was pizza. His youngest can't won't doesn't eat with a knife and fork. I got fed up and have taught him and made him eat with it. He made him eat his pizza with a knife and fork for practice so he is learning. Trouble is I don't care. He called me over and said look aren't you proud. I said I'd be proud if he was 4 years old but at 9 it's just the norm.
That ends immediately if the
That ends immediately if the OP cuts him off. While DW and I have never segregated our income, it is all marital income, in a situation like the OP and so many SParents have experienced, I would make the breeder side fully responsible for all household expenses plus their CS. Particularly if that breeder in the blended marriage is a man.
I know, traditional gender roles. But, as a Boomer, that is what is honorable IMHO.
I was the sole income the first 3yrs or our marriage. Until SS started full time Kindergarten. The plan was for my DW to then focus on her undergrad studies while SS was at school. She lasted less than two weeks, went crazy with no kid in the house boredom, and got a job. SS never knew the difference. His mom walked him to the bus stop on the corner 100ft from oru front door in the morning, and was waiting for him when the bus dropped him off in the afternoo. A few hours later she would drop him off at a drop in daycare (they charged by the half hour), and I would pick him up on my way home from work while DW was on campus for evening classes.
A partner who guts their contribution to their marital household income to coddle an X and their spawn... pays all the bills in he new marriage or... they find that their key no longer works. To avoid that, they can be intelligent, pay only what is COd (CS or what otherwise is COd. Not one Cent more.), and they deliver as the equity life partner to their mate. Certainly the variables are effectively infinite and every situation is unique to some extent. However, the commitment has to be to the marriage and the partners in that marriage. Not to the X. The NCP pays CS. They are not the beck and call ATM for the X or the failed family baggage spawn.
IMHO of course.
What so many spineless blended family partners seem to not realize is the baggage they bring is not filled with Ca$h and it is not the new partners job to subsidize the coddling of the baggage.
Beware
The 180 backslide. Lots of times they go along when you put your foot down just to keep you quiet but the moment that they feel the heat is off and boundaries have relaxed, they go right back to the same old destructive pattern.
He can do so if he wishes
He can do so if he wishes that's his choice but the will be repeating the destructive routine with someone else because I have stayed quiet and sacrificed my happiness and peace at the expense of him and his kids for too long. I am ready to go if those changes are only temporary
This is so true.
This is so true.
My ex partner would improve in one area after I raged at him for being obtuse how his Disneyland parenting was negatively affecting me
Then short time later a different but similar issue would occur and have me feeling like I was playing a game of "wack a mole"
OP your post is EXACTLY
OP your post is EXACTLY similar to what I experienced (but yours turned it around while mine was too obtuse and scared of his ex wife like a weak itchB that I lost every shred of attraction I had and my walls went drier than styrofoam)
This willfully obtuse Disneyland dad had every weekend AND every single holiday (which I finally had to tell him while I enjoyed the family stuff, I did NOT feel comfortable taking his kids every holiday because he was selfishly taking them away from building with their other side of the family and most divorced parents are spliting holidays)
His behavior made me want to scream because he was so cheap that he 9 times out of 10 simply brought them back to "our" house where all they did was laze around, talk loud af and yell across the house (they were so loud I questioned if they were hard of hearing but no just horribly trained), use things and not clean up after themselves, stay up super late, act like overgrown needy clingy little monsters etc
I had no problem with him spending time with his kids but my stance was 1) These feral kids need structure - you can provide advance notice of your parenting times and stick to it 2) your exwife will not be allowed to use her kids to manipulate us by refusing to parent her kids - as she agreed to do - unless she wants to be drug the the court system/publicly labeled as a deadbeat parent and have an anonymous CPS report filed 3) they either follow my simple rules in the house I contribute way more than they do (ex use indoor voices, you use it you clean it, you break it you buy it, in your rooms at 10pm, don't put your greasy Cheeto fingers on my thermostat or you gone pay this electricity bill, and you don't have to like/love people in this house but you do have to respect them) or I walk tf out
This dude was toping the list on this forum as one of the most hardcore Disneyland dads on here and it destroyed my mental peace and sanity to the point I was no longer intimately attracted to him and did not want to live with him (and definitely didn't want to deal with his ex wife remote manipulations)
As you can see .... I walked tf out bc I was not about to argue with this dude every cotdamn weekend about how clueless he was pretending to be, his lack of boundaries, and his "pussified" attitude towards his exwife and kids.
He can coddle his kids and play captain save a h03 as he pleases ... as a SINGLE man or find some low self esteem desperate person to do it.
I'm so pleased you didn't
I'm so pleased you didn't waste more time! I don't know if this is permanent or temporary but I do know if it's temporary I'm gone.