I don't like my SS as a person
I don't like my stepson as a person. We have our conflicts, but I feel it's much more than just a parent/child power struggle. He instigates arguments, is disrespectful, and acts like the victim in EVERY situation. He talks back to me, talks over me and even argues with his dad. He's 11. This past semester w/ school, he lied contstantly about getting his assignments done and ended up w/ F's in almost all of his classes by progress reports. He always has an excuse for everything. My husband doesn't really come down on him about the lying. I feel that we should be much harseher about it. He was punished for the school work and the grades but no the lying. We have even caught him lying a few times w/ reagrds to days w/ his BM (childcare, being left alone, etc.).
I began disengaging last year and stepped away from several things involving my SS. My husband now handles the school work and punishments hoping it would improve my relationship w/ my SS. It has created a lot of divide in our household. All of the arguing and different opinions on his behavior creates a lot of coflict in our marriage. I almost wonder if he sees the divide and the adults not seeing eye to eye as an opporunity of some kind to create more conflict?
I've reached a point where I don't even think I like him as a person. He's very negative and picks fights wherever he can. I've even encouranged my son to disengage in some circumstances to avoid the conflict and arguing. If he was a kid in my younger sons class, he is NOT someone I would want my son to spend any time w/ or have over the house to play. I've really been comtemplating if this is the best situation for myself and my son. I speak to him in a very flat way. I don't engage in his day unless he needs something. I have become completely disconnected. I don't even want to be involved time we have together as a family of 4. I think I've built up so much resentment I don't know how to come back from it. What should I do?
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Total disengagement
Like two ship in the night. He's DH responsible. Unless DH is there SS can be with him. Don't care about school, he's going to fail, or school will gust pass him to make him go away. Keep your son away from SS. Total disengagement means not caring.
I had to do this with SS16. I
I had to do this with SS16. I completely disengaged when he was about 12/13 years old after a series of lies. I couldn't just turn a blind eye... my DH was all about downplaying and/or making excuses for SS (he still does). The only difference now is that I could honestly care less about what happens to SS16 (and have communicated that to DH). DH knows I want him out at 18 and it's a hill I will die on. SS and I haven't spoken a single word to eachother in years (and he's with us 50/50).
DH knows I want him out at 18
Girl YES!
when I was living with Disneyland dad and we argued weekly about his lackadaisical parenting and his 24/7 B. Beck and Call service .... I told this fool straight up "look here! If I'm still dealing with you, we ain't doing no grown bumps on logs up n here. I don't want any skids as roommates. If they are grown they need to be making their own way."
Afternreading the horror stories on Adult Stepkid threads (where a lot of the problem is having adult skids as roommates) I refused to fall into that trap.
My bio is grown and independent and these Disney parents want their kids treated equally then that's what we do.
If I did have some skids and they over stayed their welcome, I'd turn into a 24/7 TikTok dj and play Mexican music all day, I'd walk around a$$hole nakkid and charge them money for looking, invite friends over all day and night, uphold very unreasonable rules like forbid them to do anything I do lol, and they'd be begging to live somewhere else.
Obligation to deal with skids ends promptly at 18 or high school.
They want to sponge of parents they can do that at biomoms house but id bet she'd refuse too since she's not get paid cs once they're grown.
That's a hill I'd die on, snow ski down, then climb back up and rappel down again.
Cr@p parents create cr@p children
He is 11. His parents have failed him. THEY are the problem. Everything you mention about how unlilkable he is as a "person" well - your HuSBAND is to blame because who SS is as a person is still developing.
You should have some major talks with husband about the "Big Divide". From what Ive read and seen, partners need to be on the same team. United. Together. I am also experiencing "The Big Divide" and it doesnt get better with time. Definitely consider if this is how you want your life and your bios life to be.
Nothing an airhorn and a squirt bottle won't fix.
Nothing an airhorn and a squirt bottle won't fix.
He talks back to me, talks over me and even argues with his dad.
Blast the little shit in the face with the squirt bottle or the airhorn. Tell him to STFU, and get away from you. Just because your DH is dumbass failed man, failed father, and failed mate who made an idiot choice in breeding partners does not mean you have to tolerate his failed family spawn's crap.
Make sure the idiot you married knows that he either steps up and deals with his ill mannered spawn or you will and neither of them will like that.
As for lies and bad grades due to not doing work. In my childhood, that meant every second after the crap grade report came out until the next one came out was a living hell of being grounded from anything and everything except school work and going too and from school. No TV, no reading for entertainment, no playing with anything or anyone. 6wks of all school focus all of the time. That grows an near immediate appreciation for going to school since school was the only enjoyable thing in life until the next grade report came out with acceptable grades.
Lies were spanking offense infractions in our world. So were bad grades. So, the 6wks of total grounding started with a stinging ass. You can bet that was an attention grabber.
So, ground your DH and his spawn. Do that by keeping them both the hell away from you. Do not embrace misery because your mate is a failed parent, etc. As you have already discerned, this is not a healthy situation for your own child.
Don't overthink it. It is a toxic situation, so end it. For your own good and for your child's quality of life.
IMHO of course.
All of the arguing and
THIS is why I am an advocate of prioritizing marriage. I'll be damned these little crumbsnatchers eff up my long lasting relationships and disturb my peace in my home.
Only you know your threshold but it sounds like you inherited a mess!!!
The good thing about dating single dads is you can see what kind of dad they are on the front end .... which also brings me to the next point, ladies if you witness sh*tshow parenting just know that is what you're getting yourself into bc the writing is usually on the wall that a lot (not all) of these single dads are merely looking for an unsuspecting "nurturer" to help them raise their kids for free while they pay their breeder for simply existing.
This ain't nanny911 and if your husband is treating you as such hopefully it's worth your while.
2 words = military school!
Yep, but make that Military
Yep, but make that Military School fully private so the kid cannot demand to be sent home. If they run, the sheriff or PD haul them back. Semi public, generally will not retain control of the kid once they play the "send me home" card.
The Mil School my dad, me, and my younger brother was fully private. When a Cadet whent AWOL they were hunted down by the PD/Sheriff and hauled back to school in cuffs where hell would rain down on them. Countless pushups, hours on end marching in a big square at the perimeter of the court yard carrying a 9Lb rifle, a 30lb pack with a 15minute break eac hour standing at attention with 5min of the break to use the facilties.
Those kids rued the day they ran.
Only rarely would a parent give in to the tears, yelling, crying, shit spawn and take them home.
Not something my kid, me, my brother, or my dad ever did. In fact, we all thrived. Dad, me and bro significantly. SS did as well until the Spermidiot helped him hack the school fire wall and they play WoW all night and he was comatose in close. Though he did get swine flu and was in the school infirmary for 10 days.
We brought SS home at Winter break and stuck him in our local HS. We were not paying another 3 semesters of tuition for his stupidity. He was heart broken. But, he learned a great lesson that scared the shit out of him. Part of the message was "graduate on time or you will be dropped off at the local homeless camp". I then took him to that homeless camp, dropped him off for a couple of hours, and watched from the shopping center parking lot from across the highway. Those homeless people were wonderful. They fed him, lectured him, scared the shit out of him, and told hi to pull his head out of his ass and graduate on time. They also pointed out that his parents cared and he had screwed up big time.
So, I am a fan of Military School... or even a residential behavioral modification school for kids who need a clear message, structure, discipline, and experience a forceful immersion in a full accountability environment.
SD13 THRIVES off of pitting
SD13 THRIVES off of pitting people against each other. She 100% enjoys talking trash about people and twisiting words to get her way. She is so manipulative it's just sickening. She has zero trust from me.
The only way I have dealt with it is by disengaging.