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Mini-wife visit

Mumma008's picture

Submitted by Mumma008 on Sat, 04/06/2024 - 5:27am

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Adult Stepchildren

So we have moved house and the main mini-wife (SD21) is coming to visit with her boyf next week. The last time we saw her (and all times before that), she has started trying to (badly / inappropriately) parent my kids. Bossing them around, a bit like a child would in a role play situation, playing teacher or mum, but far more dramatic and aggressive. She also is extremely needy and demanding when it comes to physical contact with the kids (and DH) and demands (forces) the kids to hug her, over and over again. They sometimes resist and even avoid her. The thing is, her communication is always aggressive / shouty.. to pretty much everyone, including her older sisters (she was the baby of the family until my two kids came along, and pretty much ruled the roost and got away with murder, and still does). I know she loves them (perhaps a little obsessively). I personally think she has BPD and needs therapy. DH doesn't seem to notice the behaviours until I point this out but has gotten better at addressing some of the behaviour there and then. Particularly the physical stuff and tells her to leave it and let the kids go to her when they're ready. He's also dialled down the physical stuff with her personally (lap sitting / sprawling etc), but she still loves to have a LOOOOONG hug with him that seems to last 10 minutes, in full view of me. 
 

So the above stuff is one of two things I worry about; the second is her wanting to jump into adult conversation to either act older or to undermine me, by striking up a discussion with DH. So she starts conversations about the house and / or decor, or the garden and what his plans are for renovations (OUR HOUSE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER BTW!). Acting all mini-wife like she needs to be part of the decisions. She even goes as far as challenging him when plans have changed over time and acts like he hasn't 'consulted her!' on the latest plans by saying 'oh how come you never told me that?''. When we bought the house, she asked to see some pictures, then asked 'so what attracted you to this house then?' This may not sound bad, but believe me, it's the way she delivers it... and of course the 'history' we have with her and her behaviour. When DH broke the news to her that we were moving, her response was 'so will you have pictures of me up in this new house?'. I want to sympathise with her neediness / deeper insecurities but this I find is another example of her controlling him.

These types of conversations happen regularly and I'm just not quick-witted enough to jump in there with a smart ass response that shuts it down. I need something that will put her back into her child position! So she understands that it's not her place to be questioning OUR decisions. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 04/06/2024 - 6:31am

The bf might change things a bit. To start with, she's much less likely to drape herself over daddy with him around. She might also rein in her behaviour in general. If not, don't hesitate to speak your mind, just do it "respectfully " so she's the one who looks bad.

I'm glad your dh stands up for your kids- nobody, but nobody, should be forcing a child to accept or give hugs and/or kisses. I suggest you have a few talks with them on the subject of "it's your body and nobody else's". You don't even need to mention SD because this is a subject that we should all have with our kids.

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Sat, 04/06/2024 - 6:49am

I'd stick with vague statements like "I appreciate your opinion, we will discuss it and decide later" or "Thanks, we appreciate everyone's thoughts. We'll let you know what we decide on" or "that's one way to do it" then a blank stare if she pushes it. followed by a small smile like you're watching a 0ne year old try to spoon feed themselves soup. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 04/06/2024 - 6:49am

Why not read over your other post. There's a lot of good advice in the replies.

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Sat, 04/06/2024 - 11:23am

You were given great advice in your first post so definitely go refresh those ideas in your mind.

Your children: the MINUTE you see her being aggressive or forcing them to hug her, step in and SAY something. Do NOT wait on your DH. You can be polite but don't let her continue in crappy behavior with your kids. "They don't want to hug you. Wait until they are ready." Please lower your voice...it makes the children nervous. Thank you for trying to correct them but as their mom, I'll take care of that." Seriously...these are your children. PROTECT THEM.

As for your home, go with what AgedOut said...appreciate your opinion. We'll take them under consideration when DH and I begin our planning. I'd even interject into conversations she starts with your DH. Don't let her push you out. It's your home, too.

Seriously, the only way things will change is when YOU stand up to her. Don't depend on your DH...I made that mistake years back and paid dearly. Should have handled things my way a decade ago but no time like the present to start. DHs kids do NOT run over me or my home. Take your power back.

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Sun, 04/07/2024 - 9:44am

This. We have the odd situation of having a dog that SS is jealous of (believe it or not). SS slapped the dog once. DH was right there, but I'd be damned if I was going to let someone else deal with this. I told SS clearly that he is NOT to hit our dog. PERIOD. It's simply a, "Don't do that." Just say it. During a later visit, SS (knowing I'd jump on him) began exhibiting other weird behaviors to our dog. I put a stop to that, too, but that time, I spoke with DH and told him that HE needs to step in, also. This is yet another reason SS is not allowed here anymore. I CLEARLY told DH that it is our job to protect our dog, and SS cannot be trusted not to try to intimidate him when he's around (it is so weird). 
SD used to do the lap-sitting and holding-onto, baby-talking and even a baby-walking shuffle, but thankfully grew out of it. 
A good response to nosy opinion intrusion is, "We've got it covered, thanks." Short and to the point. I love responding this way with a smile on my face and shutting people down quickly with kindness. 
Good luck! 

 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 04/06/2024 - 11:34am

It's your house it's your rules. You will teach your kids your way.  You do not need a SD to come in for a few days and try to control your home . Just mind your ien business. 

BobbyDazzler's picture

Submitted by BobbyDazzler on Sat, 04/06/2024 - 2:50pm

To mind her business? Or parrhaps a different question "now why would we want to consult you when it comes to OUR personal decisions/choices?" "Do you realize how foolish you look hanging on your father that long?"

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 04/06/2024 - 3:12pm

Why would you think I'd need your opiniob on a subject that you have no experience or knowledge of?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 04/06/2024 - 3:24pm

WHy would you waste time trying to sympathize with this shit Skidult?  She has not earned any consideration at all. Much less sympathy.

As for her bringing her BF.  Hmmmmm.

Dirol

While she is in the 10min clinch with daddy, trying to present in a mature manner, etc... You have a great opportunity to speak with the BF.  "How did you two meet?", etc... Then "What is it about her that you find so appealing?".

The more SD plies her mini-wife aspirations, dig deeper with the BF.  

I forecast that the more you engage the BF, the less SD will do her usual crap.  

So... do it.

As for her trying to parent your kids. Be direct, shut that shit down immediately with a clear "You are their sister not their mother. Enough of that."  Confidently, directly, and  infront of daddy, BF, and the kids.

Diablo

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 04/07/2024 - 10:04am

Acting not properly, or doing the wrong thing. Like being unkind to dog or other person.  You must step in and stop this. If your SO is doing nothing about this  it's not saying much about them.  It's your home, your the queen.  Things go your way, or else kids don't come over.  SO can see them at McDonald. Go camping with them. Just not in your castle.. then start think why you love this week person . Who can't taker care of there responsibilities 

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Sun, 04/07/2024 - 6:38pm

This sounds like my SD before she went no contact. She questioned every decision we made, expected to be part of the process, had opinions on everything.

She didn't do that in my presence though. Only with DH, who inevitably would fall all over himself to praise her for her brilliance. When he asked me to reconsider a simple decision we'd already made, I  said something gentle to him like, "DH, you and I agreed that we'd paint the room green. Looked at 50 paint chips. SD says it should be blue? If you prefer a blue room now, move in with her."

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Submitted by ImperfectlyPerfect on Mon, 04/08/2024 - 9:38am

....we had a carpet incident. I specifically said, "I am running an errand. If the carpet guy comes wait for me to decide on the color and type. I get back 10 minutes later- carpet guy, DH and adult SS are all going over carpet. DH exclaims "Look! SKID found the color we're doing!!" I took a deep breath and looked at the carpet guy who gave me a look of deep concern. Carpet guy and I made a silent pact that moment and we proceeded as if we were guiding adult SS towards a second alternative which we ultimately went with. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 04/08/2024 - 11:32am

And...  you ripped DH a new asshole right there in front of mini-wife and the carpet guy. Right?

Nea

"Umm. No, that is not the carpet we will install.  Your mini-wife gets no say or even an opinion in anything to do with our home.  Next time, make sure she is not present when we are making decisions about our home."

Amerz2k's picture

Submitted by Amerz2k on Sat, 04/13/2024 - 3:39pm

my 21 yr old SD is moving back in after being gone 6 years, moms wasn't good enough either and now she's tired of paying rent. Dad said yes. I said great, because my elderly mother needs help and I'm spending more time there anyway m my daughter thought she could handle living there but now she is so mad she's moving out as well. this kid oversteps every inch of the way even though I have told her repeatedly to not touch my stuff. she expects us to fully accommodate her, and there just isn't room. my husband is so weak he just avoids it all. she's also bringing a cat, am my daughter and I are allergic. so it's a long drawn out divorce is what it feels like 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 04/15/2024 - 9:49pm

Get a Dx from your Docs for your DD and you and then get an RO/PO keeping the cat out of YOUR home.  If SD wants to move in, the cat can go in a cage on the porch or move in with someone else.

I am allergic to cats and dogs.  To the point I get asthmatic and ultimately bronchitis.  An SD that is a failed adult does not get to jeopardize the health of any residents living in the home.

I love cats and dogs both, I just can't live with them. Except for the haired Vs furred dogs and the bald cats.

That your DH knows that both you and your DD are allergic and did not shut this shit down pronto makes him and her both a write off. 

IMHO of course.

Do not dally on the RO/PO regarding the cat.  Draw that line and defend it to the end.

IMHO of course.