Very long post (sorry)...

I have been with my DH for 7 years and I have 3 x SDs, SD1 is 30, SD2 is 28 and SD3 is 21. SD1 and SD2 are not his BKs. But SD3 is. He raised all three as his own though. He split from his ex a few years before we met. She was a serial cheater. 

We have since had BKs together, DD is 4 and DH is 2.

SD3 lived with us until she was 18. During the pandemic, I was pregnant with my son and as SDs mum lived 10 mins away, and SD3 was still socialising (not following the rules) and working with the public, we all agreed it was best she moved temporarily with her mum. She lost her head with us, had a tantrum / meltdown and directed a lot of abuse towards us, particularly me. The problem was, she was a covid risk. After moving in with her mum, she then caught covid twice and gave it to her mum and sisters and her mums boyfriend who was vulnerable, waiting for an operation! Moving to her mums place was my DHs idea, not mine. But she blamed it all on me. We simply wanted to keep her unborn sib safe from an invisible threat (covid). But she just had to make it all about her. I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from this. I still feel physically sick from all the pain she put us through, particularly the strain she put me under during a difficult pregnancy, let alone being petrified of a pandemic. 

SD3 has been a problem from the start. During the entire time we lived with her, she gave me the silent treatment and when she did speak, it was rude or aggressive. She never made eye contact, would leave the room when I entered. I’m ashamed to say, I felt bullied in my own home, by a teenager. We took her on various holidays, even before I moved in. She was absolutely vile. Throwing tantrums like a small child, spending the entire holiday with a moody face and snappy attitude. 

Other than a couple of ‘family meetings’ with her about her behaviour, I have never confronted her 1:1 on any of this. I do regret this, but I just don’t have the know how or confidence to do so. I play it over in my head but as soon as I’m in the moment, I freeze. I am genuinely scared of her erupting. 

When my DD was born, she became obsessive and possessive over her. Trying to push me out of every situation. Almost trying to take over parenting my baby, criticising me and rolling her eyes every time I spoke about the baby. I tried so hard to include her in all sorts of things, baby clubs, lunches, theatre and was always compassionate as she was now sharing her daddy with me and a new sib, but it was all a waste of time. I went back to work when my daughter was 1 years old and I remember sitting in the car outside my home, in tears, eager to get in to see my baby, cuddle her and breastfeed her to sleep, but equally dreading facing my SD3 and her vile possessive behaviour. I felt unwelcome in my home, always. It was hell. 

I try to be understanding of her situation. She’s not over her mum and dad splitting, obviously. She’s not got a great relationship with her toxic mother. Who is also very controlling and manipulative. I think SD3 is torn between not being able to trust women and the idea that being nice to me, would make her feel like she’s being disloyal to her mum. All three SDs had a turbulent upbringing as mum has serious mental health issues (she was sectioned twice). My DH basically raised them by himself. SD3 has had some therapy recently, but I haven’t seen any change in her behaviour.

She has just come back from 9 months travelling. We all hoped she would have matured a little. Nothing has changed. I think she’s actually showing narcissistic tendencies. It suddenly clicked for me the other day. She’s entirely self centred, controlling and manipulative. But more than the average teenager (well she’s 21 now). It’s always the SD3 show. She is completely obsessed with herself, posting on social media, pouting half naked all the time. Her social media accounts allow anyone to follow her. So complete strangers can view everything she posts. We have asked her time and time again, not to post pictures of our BKs on there. This is like a red flag to a bull though. She believes she can do whatever she likes. She secretly posts the pictures on her Instagram Stories, which we don’t have access to. But her sister, SD2 has shown us when we asked. We have explained the risks and also that we don’t want our children to be seen or identified by strangers. I truly believe she does it in spite, so she feels she has the power. 

I really fear for the influence she will have on my BKs, now and in the future. Her foul mouth, competitive behaviour, manipulation and neediness is starting to really turn ugly. She was holding my 2yo DS the other day and told him she loved him. She then ordered him to say it back, he didn’t. She got agitated and kept on over and over asking him if he loved her and ordering him to say it back. He just kept saying no. DS is very good talker, so it wasn’t that he couldn’t, it was purely that he didn’t want to, and told her so. It was so awkward and I just wanted to grab him off her and tell her to back off, he’s 2 !! But if I dared to do anything of the sort, she would explode like a volcano. She’s the same with my DD. She would run after DD and force her to cuddle her, even when she said no. She dyed her hair from blonde to brunette and kept telling her over and over that they have the same hair. I know this kind of sounds cute, but when you’re watching it happen, it’s quite scary and disturbing. I can see it makes my BKs feel uncomfortable and awkward as SD3 always approaches with a barrage of questions, but in a controlling manner. She doesn’t ask open questions as she only wants an answer that fits what she wants to hear. She told my DD she had a new job as a trainee dental nurse. She asked her if she wanted to be a dental nurse and DD responded with no. SD3 looks irritated and asked why not and my DD just shrugged. She didn’t ask what normal people would have asked! i.e. What do you want to be when you grow up? 

My BKs do adore their SDs, truly, but watching them in these situations is unbearable.

Any type of confrontation with her in the past would end up with me being entirely humiliated. Mainly as she always gets away with it, time and time again. DH doesn’t have any authority over her. There have never been boundaries. He also avoids confrontation with her. He guilt-parents all the SDs. SD1 and SD3 both speak to him with no respect, sometimes ridiculing him about his weight. He has never tried to address this. It’s bullying behaviour and totally unacceptable. But he just takes it because, he explains, you have a thick skin as a parent. I do understand this, but I absolutely would not allow my BKs to behave in this way. I am so worried that my children will witness this language and think it’s ok to speak to us like this. Monkey see - monkey do. 

Her mother and eldest sister are much the same. I’m no prude, but the language they use is completely vile. The way they dress is too, not leaving anything to imagination. Even when the SDs were young kids, they were dressed in clothing that was inappropriate and provocative. Apparently if DH tried to step in and set boundaries, ex wife would go ahead and undermine him anyway. 

SD2 has a totally different attitude. She actually tries to remove herself from all the drama, as she can see how toxic they all are. But they bully her and order her around to do chores for them at the click of their fingers. I get on with her really well and enjoy our connection. I wish I could have the same relationship with the other two. 

DH just puts his head in the sand, time and time again. He has on occasion tried to talk to her, but he is too soft, and allows her to manipulate and control him. Then she gets away with what ever it is she has done. He often defends her, as a father would and then anything I say to him goes in one ear and straight out the other as he's in defence mode. 

I’m currently discussing moving our family 40 miles away (with DH). This would mean changing my daughters school etc. I do love where we live and our house is our dream home, but I’m running out of ideas. Is moving away my only option? We can’t move any further than 40 miles due to work. But I feel I need some distance and the space to allow me to breathe. I’m having therapy (EMDR) to deal with some of the stuff she has done over the years alongside being raised by an abusive mother. So as you can see, this is all very triggering for me.

Every time I think about SD3 and what she has put me through, I go into panic mode. As soon as I hear she is coming round, my heart drops. I’m on edge for the entire time she’s here. My husband doesn’t notice half of what she does. She’s very discreet and calculating.

I have read some of the posts on here over the last few days and fear that there is no way out. I truly believe she is going to be that SD that cuts me out of seeing grandchildren etc and manipulate my husband to be at her beckoned call for the rest of his life. We can’t even go on holiday without a barrage of needy texts demanding attention from him 24/7. 

My BKs have SSs that are completely vile. I don’t want any of this behaviour or language being picked up by them. I also don’t want my kids being bullied or controlled by a narcissist. 

But my biggest fear…here goes… that SD3 will eventually try to turn my kids against me.

There you go… all out! Any advice welcome xx