I've lost my shit!
So, oh wow I gotta write to get this out or im going to go ballistic. Yep, its official, I have lost my shit!!! I cant recap much cuz I cant even think straight right now. But sd17 has been a pain in my ass and in my household since I married dh and moved in here 2 years ago. So we have mental health issues with her. But as I've been reading true north saga I am fully aware of the extra layer of bullshit thats piled on. Is there a problem... yes. And we have spent 100s of 1000s of $ addressing it.
Team of professionals, facilities, all of it. So many I lost count long ago. At first it was suicide ideation, shallow attempts, attention getting. Depression, social anxiety, isolation, cutting, abandonment issues,,jealosy, mini wife syndrome, etc. The list goes on. I personally said BPD a long time ago, but nobody wants to listen to me... what do I know! Well i know alot actually but thats beside the point. So in addition to all that we now have an eating disorder. Which in my opinion is secondary to her other ailments because it developed last. But professionals treat it as primary because she is literally killing herself slowly.
So fast forward to today... we've pretty much given up on facilities because she gets herself thrown out of them every time. They don't give refunds. Don't give a damn that its putting us in the poor house. Treatment resistant... she does not want to get well. DH is in impeccable denial and everything is fine. So today was the day I finally had enough. I've known for weeks shes been back to her old habits. All ya have to do is look at her. Or smell her or her room... she likes to puke up all her meals and save it in the closet. Yea disgusting doesn't even begin to cover it! So I thought it was made clear this was not going to be tolerated the last time we went thru this. Well guess what happened today!
I waited until today to bust her out because I didn't want another suicide incident at school. Again not making light of suicide but there is a pattern with her... she wants to be thrown out so we have these incidents. Anyway, I told DH to go in her closet and investigate a plastic tote she has in there. I see him drag the tote outside, he never said a word to me about it so I asked him... "is it what I think it is?" He said no I dont think so. Or maybe it could be, I dont know i didn't open it he says. Well I sure went and opened it as soon as he left to take her to her therapy. Im sorry to even tell you this.... it was full of puke and full of maggots. I think something in me broke in that moment, I cannot even explain what I felt.
So I wait for them to get back. I figure therapy probably didn't go well since the box was discovered. I figured they'd be shipping her off again. I figured... I dont know that something would happen. NOTHING happened. Her and daddy stopped by the store where I'm sure he bought her favorite snack for her. She walked in this house without a care in the world. Everything is great in her world. Meanwhile, I'm looking at puke, maggot infested shit she's harvesting in her closet... thats it thats fucking it!!!
I cant deal with this! And nobody else is. MOTY hasn't had anything to do with her in months. That idiot is a story all in itself for another day. But here's the best part... after a couple hours of everyone acting like life was great I finally had enough and my mouth went into full throttle. I busted her out for a few other thing her PARENT would know if they were being a PARENT. But nope not in this house hahaha that's a freaking joke.
Of course, I back my shit up with proof, I have pictures time stamped of a few other things she pulled. He went to "get on her" like a parent should. Of course she lied her way out of it cried a few crocodile tears and thats when I snuck around to listen.
I heard him with my own ears tell her to "please stop because it makes his life hell" having to deal with me. Oh... ok wait... what!!!! So its my fucking fault your daughter is a manipulating lying disgustingly clearly disturbed little brat. But I make his life hell because I expect something to be done about it. Because I keep a reasonably clean house and that shit I saw today is fucking inexcusable! Especially since it isn't the 1st time.
I had to force him to address lies she was clearly caught in. I had proof but still wasn't good enough for him. I must be the liar then. He is in complete denial, buys her bullshit hook line and sinker. And still can't accept the truth when it smacks him in the face. I just don't know how I can combat that.
I dont think I even want this fight anymore. The maggot thing, I cant even deal with that. I would have beat the hell out of one of my own kids for doing some shit like that. But thats the difference here, my kids knew better. This one of his just gives no fucks. No rules, no expectations, no consequences.... im so done! I know i should just pack my things and go. Things just aren't that easy right now.
Its clear to me my marriage is not nearly as important to him as enabling his daughter. I thought I might be able to wait her out. She is of age nearly on her way out... thats the lie I keep telling myself. Truth is she's never going anywhere. She doesn't want to go anywhere. Daddy meets her every wish and desire so why would she ever want independence... she doesn't. And in a strange way I dont think he wants her to grow up and leave. I think he NEEDS to be needed by her. Its so disturbing words dont come close to describing this nightmare that has become my life.
I've said on here before marriage has to come 1st. Above all else, even mentally ill offspring. What I witnessed today showed me that is NOT the case here. And I do believe he is incapable of EVER fulfilling that role. He just can't do it. That truly breaks my heart.
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Your DH will never kick his
Your DH will never kick his mentally ill failed spawn to the curb. He will continue to enable her behaviors and make excuses. You can't help someone who doesn't want help. At least you didn't have kids with him. Leave while you can! This sounds like a living h3ll!
I am so sorry! I'm with
I am so sorry! I'm with Dogmom: Leave. If you ever feel like rethinking this or reconsidering it, think of the maggots and the fact that he told his daughter that dealing with YOU is making his life hell. F THAT!
This IS a nightmare. Be strong. Get the hell out. You know you deserve so much better than this toxic clown show. Your heart may be broken, but it will heal, and you will feel so much better in time. Hugs!
Unfortunately, his child does
Unfortunately, his child does obviously have some serious issues.. and it isn't surface level look at me behavior.
His primary obligation is to his minor child... legally.. morally.. and I know it's frustrating that she has fought the therapy... but that doesn't mean he can stop trying.. .
As far as your marriage.. I am sure he feels between a rock and a hard place. He knows your POV.. and it is at odds with his continued need to try to help his daughter.. so it does make his life difficult to tread that line.
What she is doing is most likely not personal to you.. it sounds like she has some issues with her mom.. perhaps even some inherited mental issues from her. I am not saying that it makes it any easier to live or deal with.. but that is just how it is.
At this point.. your options are to either leave...or figure out how to coexist in the situation without losing your own sanity over it.
And there is NO shame in
And there is NO shame in leaving. This would be a hard situation for anyone to deal with and it will be lifelong. I doubt this girl will ever live a normal adult life. There will be endless crises.
A child's age determines alot
His "minor child" is not so minor anymore. She will be an adult in a matter of days. Once we reach that point heres what's gonna happen... she will quit school therefore will be kicked off insurance. Which really doesn't matter anymore since its maxed out. She cannot be forced to do treatment of any kind and I assure you when those become her adult rights and choices, she will not do it. She has no drive to do anything with her life. Her plan is to sit right here and rule the roost and spend daddys money as she pleases. Im dealing with parentification. The roles are reversed in this family. She is in charge, daddy does what he's told. Thats how its worked all these years. So bringing me into this dynamic screws it all up for her and she's not gonna let that happen. Mentally ill... yes clearly. But developmentally disabled... no she is not. She's fully capable of all things. She just won't do it. I could just boot her ass out the door when she turns 18 and is doing nothing with her life. Disrespecting my home, my role, demasculating my husband... I would LOVE to say GET OUT. The problem is I know he will never allow that to happen. Believe me when I say dh is fully living up to his legal and moral obligation to his "child". So much so that he has signed up for a life sentence of enabling her and taking care of her. Thats what they both need for each other I guess.
Again.. this is a no win
Again.. this is a no win situation .. not for him.. not for you... and tbh.. not for his daughter either. It's possible therapy could help everyone cope a bit better.. but the reality is that YOU didn't cause this.. didn't birth her.. so you don't have the same obligation to her. and you have to understand that even if she legally becomes an adult.. he doesn't stop being her father.. and the fact that she is literally killing herself likely is killing him... and it's tough to be in a relationship with someone who is in that situation..
no shame in leaving a situation that has become too toxic for you.. you dont' have to continue to have a front row seat to the toxic situation.
I realize this is not the point of your post, but kids can stay
I realize this is not the point of your post, but kids can stay on their parent's insurance until they are 26 - it doesn't matter if they are in school or not.
You are in a very difficult situation and it is clear that you are really angrey, with good reason. Have you considered some therapy, just for yourself? It might be helpful to have someone to talk to in real life to help you figure out how to navigate this situation.
Have i considered therapy?
Yes, everyone in this house has ended up in therapy. Either willingly individual or family therapy impressed upon us all. I cant say its really having any effect anymore.
Personally, I would leave,
Personally, I would leave, your DH has decided to pit you as the “problem” person in all of this. Your DH is an idiot because now he’s just giving SD17 a person to blame, you! Of course, if you leave DH will help assist SD17 in finding somebody else to blame like BM, but for now you are their scapegoat. Your DH is avoidant head in the sand don’t bother me because I don’t want to deal with it, and sounds like SD17 is pretty much the same, which is why therapy won’t work for either of them. When SD17 ends up offing herself, which she will, probably not intentionally but she will your DH will look for somebody to blame, don’t be there to be his continued scapegoat.
I'm getting Brittany Murphy
I'm getting Brittany Murphy in "Girl, Interrupted" vibes.
SD will never get better
This is her life. You must decide what to do with her? Either she goes into a home or you must leave. She is never going to live by herself. and you can't live with her. If DH wants to play her game, he will do it by himself
THIS!!!!
THIS!!!!
If your SD has BPD like you say she does, which it sure sounds like she does, she will never be independent. Even if she lives on her own, she'll end up moving back in and out with your DH for the rest of his life.
You say you know a lot, so I take it that you know the treatment required for BPD. BPD is treatable as long as the co-morbidity isn't NPD. Regardless, treatment for BPD is way more intense than regular therapy which makes it both cost prohibitive and time prohibitive. There is also the availability of it because therapists who treat BPD have to have special education and training. They have reduced caseloads and have their own therapists because it's that taxing for even the therapists treating the people with BPD.
Then there seems to be most-often with BPDs, a weak male authority/caregiver. BPD flourishes when dads/male caregivers are either conflict-avoidant or poor parents who just don't have the strength, energy or know-how in raising their budding BPD kids because these kids usually present signs in childhood. They are not easy to raise. From what you describe your DH doesn't seem to know what to do to help your SD. You mention spending thousands on help for her. Well, another issue with BPD and NPD is that those with the disorders can be resistant to change.
I honestly think you have some thinking to do. I highly suspect my own SD34 has either BPD (at least she's a quiet one) or HPD and I've seriously considered divorce from a man who has made soooooooooooooo many changes to benefit me and our marriage just because I can't stand to have such a toxic person on the periphery. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what my life would have been like had I left many years ago when I put in an offer on a house for no other reason than to leave DH just to not have SD in my life anymore. I lost that bid, so here we are. Still hating my SD's f*cking guts with a passion and her not changing at all.
I'd be so damn livid with your DH as well because he has made you out to be the bad guy and if your SD has BPD your DH has essentially made things so much worse between you and your SD. You will be more of a target to her than you ever were.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Hugs!
You hit the bullseye
WEAK MALE CAREGIVER. That is the root of all right there. Bio mom bailed when she was maybe 5. Dad has been doing it all and at the same time was doing nothing at all. Does that make sense? He has taken no parental authority ever, even though he was the only one present to do the job. And now, its too late to reverse all that. She has not been formally diagnosed with BPD... yet. I believe once she turns 18 that will happen then. She will be switching psychiatrists soon and move into the adult realm of mental health. Dealing with the child psych stuff has not been very helpful for her. Her problems are beyond their scope of practice. We have been told that many times. We used every available resource there is. We didn't just spend 1000s, I meant hundreds of thousands. For countless residential treatment centers, for weeks long stays in hospitals for stabilization. Again and again and again... and we are right back at square one. I dont see NPD. Shes very inward, not hostile... self destruction mostly. The relationships or lack thereof and the on/off and black/white thinking is why I lean toward BPD. It would encompass all the rest. Yes, you're right, this will be forever. Thank you for understanding. Many people can't until they've been exposed to it.
Sadly, this only ends either
Sadly, this only ends either in divorce or when she is gone. However her exit turns out.
Take care of you.
Im so sorry!
It sounds like a very hard, hard thing you are going through.
Your husband has failed you as well as his children. I went back and read your previous posts.
She sounds a bit like SD25 Feral Forger. Theres mental illness, but a whole pile of bs on top of that, including her stealing, her bein an a$$hole etc. I didnt have the mini wife thing to deal with but there is definintely a Them VS Me thing happening and I have been the scapegoat many times. Ive learned to disengage and walk away and not involve myself.
The maggots would have really set me off. Ive had to clean up after FF when she left our home but also left all her trash. It was gross, but no maggots, or puke.
Your husband is making me quite angry for you right now.
Ill reiterate what I advised in my previous comments to you - get thee to a lawyer!
I think you're at the point
I think you're at the point where you need to ask yourself what this is teaching your children. Are they being raised in a healthy home? Is this onesided life fair to them, they who have rules and expectations. Knowing that your spouse will never ever expect anything from her or give her rules to live by or call her out on her shit, is this fair to the other children in the home? You have very difficult decisions ahead, think of yourself and your children because he isn't and that's not fair to the rest of you.
Other children in the home...
My children are grown adults, well functioning and live in their own homes. Husband has another daughter here that excels at everything... so I'm not sure where you got that we aren't teaching our children right. Is it unfair to his other daughter that has to live in the shadow of her mentally ill sister? Yep sure is unfair!
I wasn't attacking you, I
I wasn't attacking you, I thought you had small children in your home. I'm glad you don't.
That is absolutely disgusting
That is absolutely disgusting. I would be at my wits end. My only saving grace is that my shit show is currently out of the house (part of it at least), and it rises up every few weeks to completely disrupt our household, then goes away for a brief period, rinse, repeat. Every day like this....I don't know if I could do it honestly. Especially if my DH would have the AUDACITY to say to SD that I MADE HIS LIFE HELL. UNBELIEVABLE.
I would say you have some thinking to do about how to handle this. What is SD's launch plan? Have you and DH discussed? Is there one? If there isn't- as in, when SD turns 18 she is going to school or getting a FT job and moving out....I would not be able to live with this indefinitely. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!
Launch plan...
Well at this moment she has missed so much school due to being in and out of facilities. There is a form in place at school that acknowledges her mental problems. In other words they would pass her through with the bare minimum effort. But even thats too hard for her. Not because she can't do it... she won't do it. Currently she only takes 2 classes in a typical high school day. She is only at school for a couple of hours per day and she has tried everything to be thrown out of that. She would have to complete summer school and another year of school probably followed by another summer school in order to graduate. If that happened it would be a miracle. So other than that, which she will never put in the effort. And the fact she becomes 18... I see her just quitting. I've made my feelings real clear on that. I dont think quitting is even an option to discuss. But in the worst case scenario if she genuinely made a real effort and couldn't catch up, then I would probably agree with quitting. That means you go to work. She won't do that either. So I guess she's not launching anywhere ever.
18 & dropped out = GTF out.
18 & dropped out = GTF out. Now.
Good luck kid.
Write when you find a job.
Tolerating this at any level is facilitating it. The kid needs either institutionalization, or a refriderator box at the local homeless camp under the overpass.
Kids who can but won't, have to learn to the fullest level of abject misery possible that their decisions have results. Good or bad.
Kids who can but won't, have
Kids who can but won't, have to learn to the fullest level of abject misery possible that their decisions have results.
Try convincing a Disney Parent that his 20 year old can do more than what he is doing now... the answer is always "poor thing has dislexia and ADHD". But then I see SS20 doing things and planning with friends and scheduling things, oh how come the dislexia and adhd doesn't interfere with these plans???? SMH on Disney Parents always finding excuses for what the spawns can and won't!!
There is no convincing them.
There is no convincing them. They and the situation are beyond convincing. However, they cannot be given a choice but to do what they are told how they are told. Do it.. .or else.
Unfortunatley the or else can be less than optimal for us though invariably it has to be made to induce more misery than they are willing to experience.
WIth most of these types, positive reinforcment is a waste of effort and only consequence driven action works.
IMHO of course.
My sh** show is also out SS20
My sh** show is also out SS20, but partially, and loves to come back once in a while when is convenient for him or he needs something from his BP (my SO)... wow the more I read all of the experiences here sounds like a playbook of STEP-HELL... Disney Parents galore with unsufferable manipulative brat spawns...
Damn!
Back2Life, this has got to be the craziest sh*t I've ever read on here... and there's a LOT of crazy on here. Your SD is next-level. As an eating disorder survivor myself, I do have a level of compassion for her. However, as a StepHell survivor, I am stunned and outraged at the situation you're facing - yes a sick skid but DAMN a betraying, enabling, blame-shifting Guilty Daddee "husband."
I would have lost my sh*t too, and I'm amazed you didn't vomit and pass out from the sheer horror of her maggot bulemia stash. I wish I had some wisdom or solutions to offer. I am angry at your DH for triangulating you into the Bad Guy in his Persecutor (you), Victim (SD), Rescuer (enabler DH) Karpman's Drama Triangle.
Once again SD isn’t going to change.
SD is not waking up tomorrow better.. It's your choice, SD or you. SD goes to group facultie or you leave. SD is never going to be able to live on her own. You just hope that faculty, does not throw her out.
I am so sorry that you are
I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible situation. You've said 3 crucial things that I bet my money on that ALL of us in this space are going through at some degree or full blown. I too thought marriage came first... I have a broken heart too today ... people like us that believe in a childs discipline and thriving for excellence, cannot marry Disney parents... harsh truth but after 8 years that's all I take from my r-ship with my SO and the two SS20 twins... they are 20!! and there is still lots of BS tolerated and no expectations of growing up and owning up for them... I'm in my late 50s, one SS is attempting to come back to live in, I appreciate my peace and mental health above anything... and if for SO an ADULT child is above marriage... so be it ... I walk...
You said,
I hope you are able to find a solution and your peace.
REAL life Disney parents.
We have extremely close friends who are truly Disney parents. They go a half dozen times a year and their children live(d) the Disney dream and every other dream associated with parental career/life success.
What those friends are not... is the metaphorical Disney dads. They hold their kids, now just one kid, to very strict behavioral and performance standards. So much so that they now have just one kid instead of the two they had. They adopted two. The eldest, is long gone. He is probably just about 20 at this point. He had the magic life. Then he decided that mollesting kids on the bus and at school, assaulting teachers, etc... was more important than living a Disney life as a decent human. So, off to behavioral camp/Ranch school where ultimately he was surrendered back to the State due to the massive personal liability risk he represented to his dads. They could not and would not expose their younger son to the risk that their eldest was, nor would they expose themselves to the legal/financial liabilities that he represented with his assaults on teachers, school staff, kids, etc... Their phone rang about the time he turned 18 though the adoption had been desolved by that time for about 3years. They did not answer. Their attorney strongly advised that they could have zero contact with him, ever, after the disolution of the adoption or they risked him being able to go after their estate upon their demise, etc...
They still have heart break over that whole sequence of events. However, they are living their best lives together and raising their younger son far more successfully to their required standards of behavior and performance. Still with some challenges associated with high risk adoption of kid(s) from disturbing family backgrounds.