NOPE..hard pass for me.  After being hit with many objects by the Village Idiot..I will NOT under any circumstance put up with that again.

DH likes to deflect and has found I am no longer a willing participate.   I wasn't before but I have no effs left and nope I call his @ss out all the time.  He complained about it in therapy..and the therapist told him.."you know what if you don't want called out on it..DON'T DO IT."  He flat out told DH...you ruined your marriage before with that and you will ruin this second chance to if you continue.

Stay strong....keep your boundaries. I tell DH..if you going to deflect to me..I'm leaving the room, the house whatever.  I am NOT and will not be your punching bag.  Get therapy, meditate, pray or whatever..but figure it out.

OH and PPS and SD must be the same...SD has nose piercing (yea ok so do I), 2 lip piercings, her tongue and her septum. 

He threw something at you.  That should be your 100% breaking point. I don't care if it was hanger or a pillow or a coffee mug or a brick. Completely NOT ok. You should turn on your heels and never ever mention PPS again and seriously get yourself ready to move out. It will not change, and it will get worse.

I am so proud of you CLove.  Please do not think I am being condecending.  I truly am thrilled that you are putting your DH in his place as well as putting his failures of an XW and their write off spawn in their places.

Your headache free and no tension back as you shoved his nose into the stench of his rancidly stained life' carpet is truly an inspiring breakthrough.

Stay the course.  He will either man up and grow up, or he won't.  One way he may make a life together with you. The other way, he will be consumed by the same Succubus trio that has drained him for 20+ years. He needs to learn to make better choices.  Do not let him ever again be an Incubus in your life.  Whether you deign to keep him around or not.

Look,  I get that you are trying to give him infinite grace because his children are now both turning out to be great dissapointments... and of course it frustrates him and you are just the most convenient person to lash out at.  

But honey, he cursed at you, threw something in anger.. in your direction.. it's not like he threw something down on the floor.. it was towards you.. and if he is raging.. either he is in control enough to not do that.. or he isn't really in control enough to not hit you.  He wants to throw things in your face (passport).. and make everything about everyone else screwing up.. not him.

I have no idea why you waded in to help PPPS do anything.. much less a passport.  THAT should be done by an actual parent.  again.. clove neck out.. chopped off.

And you are still dancing around the actual issue by these somewhat passive aggressive questions.  "...so what then?"..

You have to have a real conversation.. not poke around the edges to try to make him see some light or error in his ways.

Instead of pointing out he is in the shop.. she in her room.

Start the conversation off like this.

So, Now that your daughter is 18 I want to discuss how that impacts our home.  Are you still planning on exercising visitation?  Is there some schedule that I should be aware of?  Are we ablle to repurpose the room into a more general use guest room/gym?  I feel that your daughter has to elect a residence and at this point the other residence shouldn't be expected to keep a room set aside for her alone.  

No, DH, I don't hate her, but she and I are not particularly close due to several things you are well aware of and I am looking forward to having a home that is more peaceful.. so we need to discuss this calmly.. are you capable of doing that?

So, SD is 18. DH tells you when she is coming over. And she stays the night? Are you consulted? Do you have a say when she comes over? If not, you should. As for the piercing, I'd disengage from crap like that. When people give cash gifts to others, we might silently judge what they do with the cash, but we really have no say and shouldn't get upset over it. Respond to DH with "news" like this with, "mmm hmmm" and keep flipping through your magazine. Lol. (He likely knew he'd get a reaction out of you....interesting dynamic.) Also, if DH stays in the garage and SD in her room during visits, so be it. It's their mess. . . unless it is impacting your life. Whatever we think, as SMs, we have no influence or impact on the skids' futures.  Can you emotionally detach from whatever it is PS may or may not become?

As for the fight, it almost feels like a setup to me because your husband "needed" to let off steam. SMs are punching bags enough when it comes to skids; we don't need to be our husbands' punching bags, too.  

"so, you sit in the garage and she sits in her room, and thats what going to happen? Visitation is over I just dont see the point. If you dont have any expectations for people, well they meet them every time!"

THIS. My DH was either up SS16's ass in the form of occupying his every second- having more of a spousal relatinship than a parent/child one or-- DH lives his life with me, DD4 and DS1 and SS16 refuses to come out of his hole. SS16 won't engage when it's not just he and DH solo (Godforbid he can't be in a situation where he's not the center of attention) so he hides in his room. There is no expectation for his kid. He hides in his room and then leaves. To your point- what's the point of visitation if that's it?! My DH would argue that it's not visitation- he lives here. Yes. He eats, shits, and sleeps in our house for half of his life. That's literally it. 

My kid blows money on tattoos and piercings. My sister's kid blows money on Lululemon and Stanley cups. I hope neither of them ever waste years on a "partner" who abuses and disrespects them. You are better than this guy, his ex, his kids, and even the nieces who seem like angels because they only mildly use and disrespect you. This guy and his whole family are trash. There, I said it. His ex's car-fixing, garage-drinking, tantrum-throwing ass needs to be kicked. Literally and then to the curb. What a POS. 

Visitation will continue until the end of time or when PPS has something better to do. Your H will forever welcome his pwecious poopsie and I'm willing to bet he'll pitch a fit if you change so much as the light bulb in PPS' room because he wants her to always feel welcome. 

As for that passport... You're dangling a carrot trying to motivate PPS. Darlin'... just stop. Either give her the money or give her nothing. Certainly do not waste the gift of your time trying to lead Princess Power Sloth into doing anything productive. It will be the zillionth disappointment for you.

CLove, I absolutely adore you, but your H is a Class A++ jackwad who doesn't come anywhere close to deserving you. He's weak willed to everything under the sun except being a major jerk to you. You deserve so much more.

Wow.  Just.  Wow.  He really doesn't want to take any responsibility or accountability for his garbage parenting does he?  He likely never will.  He just wants to blame Toxic Troll for it all.  She's not a stellar parent or anything but he can't put all the blame on her.  BM here didn't parent the Lying Ingrate but my husband sure did.  Did he turn into a perfect angel?  No, not even close, but he learned real quick that his father and I wouldn't tolerate crap behavior.  He was much improved.  He's a Lying Ingrate yes, but he is a productive member of society who supports himself and is not living under our roof.  He never will live here again as long as I'm breathing.  We're no contact so that helps.  

My husband played the blame game too.  Oh he's just like BM, he lies just like BM.  He tried to blame BM for him being a Lying Ingrate as an adult.  Nope, you can't blame her anymore.  We taught him better, he chose not to be better.  That's on him now as an adult.  Just like my grandfather was an alcoholic and my grandmother wasn't.  She taught my dad and his siblings to do better.  They chose to be better.  Any of them could have chosen to join Daddy getting drunk, but they chose not to.  You can only blame the parents for so long, then it's on the adult child how they choose to act.  Your husband surely needs to take the blame for some of this, but now it's on the skids themselves.  They've been exposed to better, they choose not to be better.   He wants to deflect.  My husband has been guilty of deflection too, trying to throw some issue at me.  No dude, we're talking about x,y,z, not a,b,c.  Try to keep up. "We're not talking about me getting PPS a passport, we're talking about you teaching her how to drive, her poor choices, etc".  

As far as him throwing something in your direction, yeah, he needs to be called out on that and warned not to do it again. You're not his punching bag, you're not his emotional dumpster. He needs to check himself.  He's old enough to regulate his emotions,  he is not a toddler, he better get to regulating.  He needs it spelled out to him that you will not be putting up with that ever again.  

Anything to do with his failed breeding experiments, not your circus, not your monkeys.  He can keep his circus and his monkeys away from you.  He best not allow them to fling poo at you either.  

You honestly are way too good for this guy and his family. I agree with Rumplestiltskin, they're trash. And I don't use that term lightly, but the shoe fits in this case. 

I know it's hard to see when you're in the middle of it but this is clear verbal and emotional abuse. It may escalate to physical abuse. Even if he never lays a hand on you he is still an abusive asshole.

You make excuses for his behaviour and my heart aches for you. It doesn't matter what his family background is or what his current issues with his daughter are. We all have stress and need to deal with it responsibly. "Rage mode" is not acceptable.

I had to make this clear to my DH many years ago. He used to stomp and yell like a toddler and it's one of the reasons his first marriage ended. I made it clear that I would be the next one out the door if things didn't change. I was old enough to have experienced more than a few crap relationships and I recognized fairly quickly that this was abusive behaviour. I was in my 40s and knew by then that there was more to life than walking on eggshells. I was serious about leaving and he knew it....he didn't want to lose me and he changed. I truly hope this happens for you because I feel that you really want this to work, but you need to draw your line somewhere. You deserve so much better.

You went from having a medical issue because of the way he treated you and now he is throwing things at you? I don't care how soft the item was or how softly he threw it at you, it doesn't change the fact that in a fit of anger he threw something at you. I've said many times I am not typically voting for someone to leave another person, but I don't know why you put up with this still? He is absolutely abusing you and taking advantage of you.

They do what ever they want. He said no as he ATM them.  With money.   You first must make a stand. Anyone who throws stuff at me will not be in my home.  DH can see these ungrateful DD away from the home. At McDonals. Happy meal.  I would disengage and not care about them.  It's not doing you no good any way.

i would set up a bank account in my name only to stick money in it as exit plan money.  If DH gives his DD Money include in $1. More or equal gies unto that account.  Including Birthday, Christmas moneys.    Make sure that CS actually has ended.  DH will not give them or BM money because he's asked .   Equal goes into account.