Step Parenting - Teens with Autism / Social Issues / Disabilities
Is it normal to not feel any connection with step kids? I am living with my boyfriend and two kids (19 YOF with Autism and 14 YOF). Both kids have behavioral, social and emotional issues. I do not feel any connection and am struggling to be comfortable around them and often find myself getting annoyed at their presence. (not proud to say that but they are driving me nuts)
The 19 YOF has a diagnosis of Autism and has been struggling with depression and social anxiety. She has self-harmed in the past (cutting, burned herself with a lighter). She will not talk with a therapist and denies having self harm thoughts despite her history of behaviors. She wants to be independent but has so much anxiety that she stays inside / in her room almost all day. She is able to bathe, make simple meals, use the dishwasher etc. I know she is capable of being independent but she is stuck and doesn't want help. She acts like a know-it-all if you try to explain anything.
The 14YOF has a diagnosis of anxiety. In my opinion, she also has Autism as well but dad refuses to believe she has ASD and says she is "normal". She stims for hours, cannot make eye contact, hand flaps, paces back and forth, rocks, cannot sit still, makes noises. She struggles in school and gets extra time for her work and retakes exams etc. I know that when a child stims it is a way to emotionally regulate BUT it just doesn't seem healthy. She used to rock on the couch and it was so intense that the couch was almost lifting off the ground. I have also noticed she doesn't use both hands during normal tasks and cannot grasp certain objects. She often has her pants on crooked after changing (every few days). For a while she wasn't showering and she would get upset or make an excuse if asked to shower/ brush her hair.. I know she cannot help what she is feeling but the stimming sessions last so long and it is driving me crazy. It is so distracting to have a child / teen pacing loudly making noises and flapping.
I feel like I am at my snapping point... I am in a weird position being a girlfriend (rather than parent / guardian). I am at the point where I cannot stand the stimming. Their dad works shift work and I am here most of the time (working remotely). I know he is doing his best with what is going on but it is starting to make me doubt whether or not I can handle this. Both girls are so sensitive, I am hesitant to ask them to do anything. I don't want to give them a chore but they don't do anything all day. It can't be healthy to just sit with no goals / expectations in life. I am trying hard to be nice and co-exist. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is there a happy ending?
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There won't be a happy ending
There won't be a happy ending if their actual parent has their head stuck in the sand. The best thing would be to find healthier outlets to accommodate their needs that also allow you to retain your sanity. For example, instead of breaking the couch apart and wearing a hole in your floor with her rocking perhaps set up a swing where she can go and get a similar feedback with the rocking motion? But again, if you're trying to find helpful solutions for someone who doesn't want to be helped, you're wasting your time and nothing will change.
Thank you for replying. We
Thank you for replying. We are in an apartment so a swing insn't something we can install. We are trying to encourage going for walks as a way to get out some of the energy but even after a long day, she will stim / pace for hours. The only time she seems to be in control is when she is in her room laying in bed...she doesn't rock and will scroll on youtube, play video games and draw. Then she'll get up and stim in the common area. I think the stimming "trigger" is bordem. Her dad scheduled an appointment with a therapist this week but when scheduling it seems he focused on her "trauma" as the reason for scheduling. (biomom is/was an alcoholic) She has been through a lot and I know that the trauma she dealt with as a result of an alcoholic parent is significant (I am not trying to down play that at all) But it almost seems like dad thinks BMs alcoholism caused the behaviors she has... That doesn't make any sense, does it??
I just read your post and I'm
I just read your post and I'm telling you what I wish someone had told me - GET OUT NOW. I am in a similar situation but I am married and didn't know that my husband's 2 year (at that time) was going to be diagnosed with autism. He has behavior issues and so I think he may have ADHD too. My SS is now 4, makes noises non-stop, runs back and forth in our living room, screams and cries early in the morning and when you ask what's wrong, he just stares at you. He smirks and laughs when I discipline him, doesn't listen, isn't potty trained and 10 seconds after you have asked him to stop doing something, he will immediately start doing the behaviour you just asked him to stop doing.
I find it very overwhelming and I wish he had been diagnosed before I got married because I would have run the other way.
It will just get worse. That's what I always read on here and I am living it right now. It really does just get worse and no man is worth it. If you can't handle it now, you won't be able to handle it more as you get older and have less patience.
RUN.
You working remotely from the
You working remotely from the home where these young women are disengaged from the planet is not healthy for you.
A blended marriage has a 60%+ chance of failure when there is not a Special needs caveat to the kids. It has to far more likely to fail when the Skids in play are special needs and their bioparent is avoiding it all.
I advise that you move on. Before you damage yourself by overengaging and leaving later.
The more deep the connection, the more difficult the departure.
Take care of you.
Thank you fo replying. I am
Thank you fo replying. I am exhausted and I am starting to think that I am not cut out to handle this. I have always thought I would be a great mom but trying to connect with them seems impossible. I feel like a bad person for not being able to do it. I understand they have Autism/social issues, but I don't understand why they are this behind
Get out now
This is the honeymoon part of the relationship. If this part is going badly it's onky going to get worst. How do you see your life in the further? With these kids they will never function on there own. You never will get a free moment. No adult time. This is a no win situation fir your cut your losses now
Based on what you've written,
Based on what you've written, this is not the relationship for you. These SDs aren't going anywhere. This will be your life. Get out now.
I would Happy Ending my way out of there
Even under the best of circumstances, Stepparenting is HARD. Under the worst? Not at all worthwhile.
If you dont want to break it off, get your own place. He needs to parent his own kiddos, not you.