Babysitting

Forums:

I am a step grandmother. My stepdaughter tries to push the bsbysitting thing on me. I honestly dnt want to do sleepovers . How can I say nicely I don't want this. She's very pushy and she manipulates my husband .

It's line in the sand time.

It's line in the sand time. If she wants a babysitter and you dh is wiiling to do the job, make it absolutely clear that it must be in HER home not yours. I'm sure your home isn't childproofed, is it? So not appropriate for play. I'm also just as sure that these are not kids who treat your home and belongings with care and respect right? So why would you let them destroy your stuff?

In her home, they will have access to all their toys, will be able to nap in their own beds if tired, and can eat the snacks and food their mother supplies.

These are all reasons to lay out for your dh. Why should you have to vacate your home for the day and spend it stressing about the disaster zone you'll be going home to? This way, sd gets the privilege of cleaning it all up.

If sd asks you directly to babysit, "I don't do babysitting/childminding. Ask your father. " is all you need.

I understand that you don't

I understand that you don't want to be rude, but considering how she treats you, why are you worried about being nice? "No", is a complete sentence. "I'm not up for that," "I don't want to babysit, tonight," there are many things that you can say, and say politely.

I would also make it clear to your husband that you are not on board for this and that HE needs to make it clear to his daughter that you are not the babysitter and for her to stop asking. If he decides to take on the babysitting, let him do it all.

Time to find places to go to

People to meet with. When DH babysitter. It will be DH GK together. Only drop in for dinner that DH is cooking. Then out before the clean up Bars where no kids ,good places to meet. You are not a slave. Nobody can make you do something you don't want to do.
'If DH wants to play Babbysitting GP. that's on him. He can babbysitte all he wants. He also gets the pleasure of cooking and cleaning, washing, ect

if you want to help out that's on you or not

This must be a popular request!

I say "No" because my YSD treats me with indifference. I don't feel bad saying "No" to her, but I do feel bad because my DH says "Yes" and he acts so disappointed that I don't want to spend time with him while he's babysitting. (Of course I DO want to spend time with HIM! It's the babysitting I am not interested in.) It does not help that the baby has severe separation anxiety and screams when her mother is out of site. Been there, done that, not up for it at this age! I know in my heart that I would feel different if YSD reciprocated when I tried to cultivate a relationship with her. Her loss.

Recently the baby had "an infected diaper rash" that made the baby "scream" with diaper changes. I was asking questions to DH, who texted them to YSD. It was NOT infected. I suggested a simple remedy. (I have a medical background, but Pediatrics is not my background. I do have resources in just about every specialty so I can call on colleagues for answers.) After that YSD told DH that she didn't like us giving advice. Okay, understood. I will not offer advice. Recently we were with YSD/baby and baby had eaten something off of the floor and was projectile vomiting profusely. I immediately ran to help. Afterwards I cleaned baby's face and nares so her airway was open. I grabbed paper towels to clean the floor and then set them down, thinking 'why should I clean up vomit'? Nope. Someone else came and cleaned up the floor. YSD thanked that person and left. I'm thinking 'what about me'? She did come back to say, "Thank you, Trudie." I graciously responded. However, the implication was not lost upon me...I was an AFTERTHOUGHT. The person who was there immediately for help and support, the person who made sure the baby's airway was clear so she could breathe. It reinforced how she felt about me. Okay, understood. I will not offer assistance.

Another thing that reinforced how she feels about me is that on Father's Day, DH received a card from the baby. On Mother's Day I did not. Not a big deal, but it is another reminder of how she views me. NOT as a grandma. So...please do not ask/expect me to do 'grandma duties'. I think this is reasonable. (Also, YSD has a step-grandpa who she remembers with cards, etc. Why should I be different? Perhaps it's because the tradition of treating him as 'family' was started by her parents and just stuck? It doesn't matter why, what matters is that there is a difference.)

I feel exactly the same way.

I feel exactly the same way. I get treated w indifference. I don't think my husband sees it bc it's his daughter. Or he doesn't want to see it bc he wants me there. My sd took over when her mom was sick and my husband let her bc he was working full time so my sd has always been in control . Now with me in the picture she still tries to manipulate situations w my dh . I feel bc I've said stuff on the past to my dh he thinks I overreact to her or I read too much into it. So I pick and choose what I say. She's very passive aggressive so it's not outright but she's pushy. I feel intimidated sometimes bc I love my husband and it's his daughter I'm a strong person and anyone else I would confront head on. I have talked to her in past and told her I'm a direct person and if anything is wrong come to me but she would never address anything. So there's no point. I'm honestly not into babysitting kids overnight. When her kids come over they are wild. They are good kids but they are crazy. She just checks out. I wonder if I just don't feel connected to this family too bc they aren't my kids with my husband but I have amazing friends whose kids I'm close to so I don't think it's a biological thing it's a uncomfortable vibe thing with her.

I hear you…

...and I understand. I'm sorry it is this way for you too.

This is so right on.

This is so right on. Afterthought, not family, just plain out indifference...yeah you do NOT get the benefits. So GLAD you put down the paper towel and did not clean up the throw up. NOT your circus...

Exactly!

This had been bugging me and I spoke to my therapist about it today. Her take was she takes her dad for granted so, by extension, she takes me for granted too. That makes sense. He is kind and he is a giver. I think his whole family takes him for granted. Honestly, this makes my heart break because he deserves so much better. I give him my best, which is so easy to do but it does not make up for others taking him for granted. I realize there is nothing I can do about that. What I CAN do is continue to love and be there for him in all ways.

Yep Trudie you can but you

Yep Trudie you can but you also don't need to clean up any of this family's messes. Let them do it or don't do it. Not your responsibiltiy.

Thank you...

...you are so right! It is not my responsibility. (I certainly don't do it for my kids.) I am seeing a shift in his behavior too, he is starting to see it is not his responsibility either. This is certainly a step in the right direction.

Also...we have not been asked to babysit for quite some time!

You can not answer her at all

You do not have to answer her at all if she texts or emails you OR leave you a message. Remember you are not required to ever respond to her. Especially because she treats you terribly.

. OR say,

Stepdaughter, it is up to your dad if he wants to babysit his grandchildren inside of YOUR HOME. I will not be babysitting in my home or anywhere else. I CAN help by preparing a lunch for the grand kids 1x a week for dh to bring along in the morning. THIS IS what I will do.

DH always volunteers us to

DH always volunteers us to babysit which ticks me off. SD is actually a pretty decent mom but has a lazy ass spouse that won't stay home on the weekends to help. So we get stuck with a toddler a lot. I hand the child to DH since he volunteered; I take the dog for a walk. I make sure he knows he's the responsible party. I love the little fella and won't have anything happen to him but I'm not babysitting and I'm not going to compete with my husband for the grandchild's affection.

I completely understand. I'm

I completely understand. I'm not into babysitting kids. I avoid the phone calls as much as I can and try to avoid texts. I feel bad but I have dogs thsts enough. Bday parties and events are enough for me. If she was my own daughter or if we got along and she treated me as a real grandma and didn't make me feel like I was an afterthought I'd be more willing.

Yes!

I wonder if they stop to contemplate WHY we are not interested? For me, a 'real' relationship is reciprocal or not at all. Of course, being polite is my standard...but nothing beyond quick, general pleasantries. There are also those I choose to avoid.

I feel bad but I have dogs

I feel bad but I have dogs thsts enough.

don't feel bad bc best believe sd doesn't feel bad about using you as the free hired help for her ferals

Look, my own bio mom wasn't

Look, my own bio mom wasn't into babysitting grandkids and we got along well, my parents were still together, and that was fine. I may have grumbled to myself once or twice but i knew better than to feel entitled to free childcare or say anything out loud about it. I chose to have kids and if i wanted a babysitter i paid a teenage girl who was responsible with kids but wanted money for fancy purses. Don't let a woman you aren't related to who has treated you like crap guilt you into anything.

How can I say nicely I don't

How can I say nicely I don't want this. She's very pushy and she manipulates my husband

if she's pushy and manipulative then you don't have to be nice.

If you want to be nice just say NO final answer!

If you want to stoop to her level set up some ambient hospital room noises every time she calls and tell her your at your doctors appointments and you will call her when you're available

Love it!

I wish the 'noxious odors' could be cued on command as well!

However....

DH is a giver (Although I honestly believe he is rethinking his giving nature and pulling back, because I think he now realizes he is taken advantage of.) and feels bad if he says "No." I do not feel bad for saying "No." I raised my children and I did not ask for assistance because I wanted to raise them myself. I do not wish to help raise someone else's kids. Although...I realize I may feel differently when my son has children (daughter has verbalized her wish to not have children, she prefers travel and adventure). The difference is there is a loving bond and we have a reciprocal relationship where we each treat each other with love and respect...even if we don't agree on things. There is also reciprocal giving.

As you mentioned, it is on OUR terms. I like that.

It was tough.

Not only did I want to raise my own kids, I declined when my parents would ask because I worried about their safety. They would not tell them "no"! An example was my 1 1/2 year old daughter standing on a kitchen chair with a fork in her hand. My mother, "Isn't she cute?" Um, no! I would like her to not poke an eye out! Or fall off the chair. Little things like that made me worry they would not get the care they needed to keep them safe. Hard for me to say no, but I put my kids' safety and my peace of mind first.

My son defintely wants kids; he used to say he'd have 5 by the time he was 25. Good grief! He is very intelligent but the math wasn't mathing! Now, he plans to wait until his 30's to start a family. If and when it happens, I will be thrilled! Again, we have a great relationship with love, respect, and reciprocity...that makes all the difference.

This really seems to be more

This really seems to be more of a common thing that I had thought before. Back in 2011, my MIL announced to me that my SD, who was 16 at the ttime was pregnant.. No plans to finish High School and til this day no GED. She says it too hard for her, but had no problem making the conscious decision more than once or twice to have children. I call Bullshit. Anyway, at the time of her first pregnancy,I declared outright that there was no way that was going to become my problem or responsibilty. I had started going back to school at night on top of my full time job at that same time, so there was no way even if I wanted to help her. She knew that. But going on 13 years later, she decides to still hold that against me, accusing me of "pushing them away" like I neglected her and her kids. Meanwhile, lets not harp on her Baby Daddy who actually did ignore them for years..but she chooses to suddenly dump on the Stepmom that she didnt always accept as if I were the father of her kids that ran out, I am not the one who suppposely ruined their lives,,,,,thats all on them to provide for her children....all i want now is for her to leave me alone and accept the consequences of her own choices. I can bet even when her kids are also adults, she will still come at me for "abandoning" them.because I dont love them like my own. .still holding me to duties and expectations that I never agreed to in the first place nor was I aware of. This has been my life in StepHELL

You are here