Moving SD to uni
My SD is moving to uni next month and will be moving away into halls. I asked to go along with her dad and her mum and my partner said it's fine but we may need to look at transport issues as SD wanted to go in his van with her stuff and then take her mum too who doesn't drive and her partner wasn't coming.
when we mentioned the moving date last night I asked the younger SD if she wanted to come and she didn't want to. The SD going said she wouldn't be able to as there'd be no room in the van. I then said that I was going anyway so either I could drive as well or if nobody else wanted to go, I'd get a single ticket train journey, meet them there, help out with unpacking, food shop and then go back in the van. She seemed fine at first then she was a bit short with us both that evening, said she was going to her nans and then hardly spoke to us when she got back. Today she tex her dad saying she didn't want me to go and just wanted it to be her, her mum and her dad. I now feel a bit pushed out and don't really know what to do/suggest. His view was that it'd blow over and just let it settle until nearer the time. I don't want to tread on anyone's feet but likewise she's been a massive part of my life for the last 8years and I would also feel a bit left out.
Does your husband typically
Does your husband typically drive bio mom here and there places? Because she can't drive? How long has this been going on or is this a new thing? He should not have okayed bringing bio mom in the same car.
No he's only done that when
No he's only done that when they looked at two unis last year then when they had to put their family dog to sleep last year. She does have her own partner who does drive but he only drives places he knows and he's never had a very active involvement with the kids lives as I have even though he's been around the same length of time as me.
maybe I'm overreacting I'm not sure
The fact that she doesn't
The fact that she doesn't drive and that her partner won't go out of his way to drive isn't your problem. Go if you want to and let BM work out her own transport.
My issue is that it had
My issue is that it had already been decided it was BM, DH and SD so I then didn't want to upset the situation by saying to BM get your own way there. I'm not sure if SD had only wanted DH and BM to take her as if I went she'd worry about hurting her mums feelings. Because nothing has been said since, I've just let it settle a bit before bringing it up in case SD is upset or even BM. They are much closer than she is to her dad.
To keep it simple. Who gives
To keep it simple. Who gives a shit what BM and SD want. This is your DH and your SD.
BM can work her transport out. I am not one to coddle the X regardless if it involves a dead pet, kid school tours, etc..
The X is the X for a reason and the person formerly married to that X has to keep that X in their place. They also must prioritize their mate over any and all of their failed family baggage.
BM can drive herself to the Vet and figure out her own transport to tour colleges or participate in their kid moving into the dorm for university. For sure the parent doing the bulk of the moving trumps the lower level of participation from the other bioparent. If that parent's mate is uninvolved, so be it. Not your SOs problem, and not your problem.
Are BM and her husband, um,
Are BM and her husband, um, well...."special?" She doesn't drive and her hubby only drives places he knows? Sounds like BS to me. And why did she and your DH have to go together to put a dog down? This bullsh!te has been enabled by your DH and that's why this is an issue. For you, anyway. If BM can't provide her own transport, what is the point of her making the trip? She can say "bye" to SD before you guys leave. I'm sorry, but having them all make the trip together sounds like as much BS as having Christmas all together "for the kids." Or did they do that too? You're being gaslit.
Well their whole relationship
Well their whole relationship is a bit 'special' if I'm honest. Only has involvement with the kids when he can be bothered whereas I have spent much of their teenage life driving them to places and taking them out. SD knows this and hated him at the start and now her mum and her are like best friends.
I'll bring it up again when she's back at the weekend. Now I've read everyone's comments I'm glad I wasn't being too over the top
Please tell your husband that
Please tell your husband that he is NEVER to exclude you and that in the future he WILL have your back. Furthermore, there will be no more rides for BM. She can figure things out for herself.
SD does not get to decide who will ride in YOUR vehicle. I am appalled that your husband just accepts that you will be left at home rather than insist BM's useless husband get his arse into gear and step outside his comfort zone.
Could not agree more with
Could not agree more with this comment . Say exactly that
Not to mention what message it would send to SD. It sets a precedence of dad and mommy driving SD each time to university while mean old step mom sits at home, which SD actually came out and said she wanted. So it leaves your spouse in the dust then SD sees oh I can just exclude the step mom. But it's his wife. He needs to stand up for you now.
Your husband needs to have YOUR back. He should NOT be driving his ex wife. The onus doesn't fall on him to figure out ex wife's transportation issues. It's enmeshed behavior to drive around the ex...
As wife you get priority stance over ex wife . Period. Tell him ex wifey doesn't get to drive his car ever. Period. Dot. Unless he wants another ex wife.
Update
As an update, I've just said to him that I'm actually quite hurt by the fact she only wants her biological parents there, especially as I'd already bought train ticket (I know, presumptuous of me!) and the fact I'd already sorted out boxes for moving, lending her my suitcase not to mention the fact that I've done a lot of the co-parenting stuff like looking after them when they were younger, taking them places, driving her to places. And yet the BM's partner does nothing, (he was ill last year but is fine now and before that, he did nothing for them!)
my partner just thinks I' don't like being left out and he said she didn't want a big fuss made of the day, that's why she only wants them two to take her. My response was 'well then tell her mum to stay at home and wave her off then!' He said he had to respect his s daughters wishes so I've just walked out now to cool off whilst he goes and takes younger one to enrol at college (no, the BM hasn't gone as she's at work!)
I didn't think I'd be upset as much as I am by it so it's shocked me. I wonder if there are any BM's out there who agree with what others have said on here or if they would side with the daughter?
I am a BM. My ex doesn't
I am a BM. My ex doesn't drive me places and i would never ask him to. We don't celebrate birthdays or Christmas together. We don't have friendly chats on the phone or at drop off unless it's something directly relating to the kids that we both have to make a decision on. At graduation, i rode with my SO and my ex rode with his. We made polite small talk while waiting to take pics but did not hang out together. At college move in, we didn't both go help. My son has a truck so he did most of the helping for his sibling. There was really no point in having a long drawn out ceremony at move in. It was hot and crowded and we were busy moving things into the small room.
Also, you keep mentioning that BM's husband doesn't help. That sucks for her but is irrelevant to your issue at hand. If BM were single, it still wouldn't be your husband's job to transport her. And no matter what Princess says, she is not entitled to alone time with just her two parents together. They shouldn't have been confusing her or getting her hopes up all these years. They divorced and moved on.
Time to plant a flag on the
Time to plant a flag on the hill and defend it to the fullest. DH needs this message. "Make the wrong choice in this and your key will not work when you get home so you better be ready to move into SD's dorm or in with BM and her DH."
Some things are so simple that they cannot be tolerated.
KISS for your DH. Hopefully his idiocy on this is transient and he will get the message when you plant the flag on that hill. This may just be the hill he dies on regarding you as his mate.
The whole issue is NOT DECIDED
untill you say its decided. First No ....saying again ...NO. .. DH Driving his ex to the school. The ex can take the train. No playing Happy Family goes to school. . Either I [ as you ] go or nobody goes. SD is on her own. You are letting yourself get into these ridiculous situations. When DH driveing around with his ex . He married you, the ex is not in the picture anymore.
'You cake the shots. You and SH will drive SD with out BM to school. Or SD is on her own.
'This nonsense must stop now and in the future. It's gets easier with time
I agree with Harry. Put your
I agree with Harry. Put your foot down now before this gets out of hand. Don't allow it.
I have added a comment on your other post.