Disgusted-Not Step-Related-Long post.
Sorry for the non-step related post but I have to get this off my chest and besides my husband I have no one I can share this with because of the nature of the situation.
As some of you know from my past blogs my mom is very ill. We have almost lost her several times this past year. I caregive for her 24/7 after moving her into our home back in March. (Mind you I just had my brand new baby in May and I also work.)
I perform her hemodialysis 6 days a week in my home after getting training to do so. I take her to all of her cancer appointments and her immunotherapy infusions. I cook every meal for her, I help her bathe and use the bathroom, laundry, etc. I don’t complain. I love my mom so much.
We got formal denial for me to give her one of my kidneys because the cancer has spread too much and they would require her to be in remission for 5+ years at this point to consider doing our transplant. To be realistic, she does not have that much time left.
My only full sister (and mom’s only other daughter) lived in Florida and claimed she would be moving up to help me with our mom.
She has always been difficult when it comes to the family dynamic. Never really been present and always made my parents out to be bad people, especially my dad, but then when he passed away, my sister cried crocodile tears.
My mom is literally the best human being in this world and the most selfless, loving caring person. She’s a wonderful mother, and my sister has always been a very defiant and miserable child and adult.
Well, she did eventually move up here, several months after she said she was going to, but whatever, at least she’s here, right? Well, she ended up shacking up with her new boyfriend two hours away from where I live with my mom. Keep in mind she’s married and her husband lives in their house they own together in Florida. Her husband in Florida does not know about her boyfriend up here in Michigan and her husband thinks that she is living at my mom‘s house, taking care of her.
She was SUPPOSED to move into my mom’s house and we would both take turns doing her dialysis and staying the night with her so my mom could keep her home and some independence. But when it came down to it she called me and told me she won’t be able to do that because our mom’s house “didn’t have sufficient internet for her day trading job” so this is where the boyfriend comes in and she moved into his house.
At that point, I had no choice but to move my mom in with me full-time because I would not be able to stay at my mom‘s house away from my family that much. My husband is wonderful and does not mind and helps me with her a lot.
My sister has been living in Michigan 6 months and I can count on two hands how many times she has seen my mom, it’s like pulling teeth to get her to even visit her much less HELP with anything.
I’ve wrote it off as her being shitty like she always has been and taking every responsibility on my shoulders (with my husband’s, friend’s and some other family’s help.)
I accepted this.
Well, a few days ago I recently learned the REAL reason why she wouldn’t move in with my mom and I’m disgusted and repulsed.
She’s a sex cam worker and this is what she does ALL DAY LONG.
I didn’t even believe it until I found all the pages and streams for myself of doing repulsive and disgusting things for “tokens” (money.)
Call me old fashioned but I refuse to get on this new age train that “sex work is a respected career choice and an honorable living.” We were not raised this way.
In my opinion, it’s derogatory, low hanging fruit, low self worth, gross behavior.
She knew that she couldn’t do this at my mom‘s house and she claimed that she was “day trading.”
She chose THIS over my mom. (She has a criminal justice degree as well as several years of management experience and a cosmetology license. She has other career options.)
Instead of helping our mom, a sick widow, with not much time left, she would rather be selling her body online to random strangers.
To make it worse, I tuned into one of her “live. WebCam shows” and she even talks about my mom. I sent her a text about our mom that she read out loud to her chat room, laughing about how my mom is waking up in the evening, thinking it is morning. She laughed about her dialysis dementia she’s developing. Guys, she was LAUGHING about it and telling these random people.
My heart hurts, and I can never tell my mom or let her find out. She would be absolutely devastated.
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Horrible
She's just horrible. You are an angel to be taking care of your mom with all you have going on. I sincerely respect you. Karma will get her.
She really is.
Like, I knew she was low, but not this low. As soon as I thought nothing could surprise me anymore with her, this did. Knocked the wind out of me. Thank you for the kind words. I love my mom and I'm so grateful that I will have not one single regret when she is no longer with us one day.
Omg. That really is
Omg. That really is horrifying. I'm so sorry. Do you plan to confront her? I can't even imagine how upset I would be.
I can relate, to an extent. XH and I are the only caregivers for my FIL, who has been very ill for several years. Both of my BIL live locally, have the financial resources and flexibility (self employed) to be involved and they absolutely will not lift a finger to help with ANYTHING. The amount of anger and resentment this has created between them and us is staggering. The relationships are basically irreparable at this point. The burden of caregiving is so heavy, no one should have to bear it alone.
Torn.
I am truly so torn on confronting her. I've been going back and forth about this, and my current thought is it won't matter if I confront her because it won't change anything. On the other hand, I want to tell her I know and I'm not going to be taken as a fool, believing her lies and show her how pathetic she is because maybe she will have a heart and make some changes but then I think it's just wishful thinking.
I think I am currently deciding to not confront her until after my mom passes away because if the word get out to my mom, my mom would be absolutely devastated and I don't want that.
Sounds like you've dealt with quite a disaster along these same lines and I'm so sorry. You're absolutely correct, it causes extreme resentment. I know this firsthand.
Damn, so much wrong here. You
Damn, so much wrong here. You're just going to have to write her (your sister) off as useless. I wonder if her husband knows about the cam work. If so, maybe they have an "arrangement"/open marriage. I'm sorry you are going through this without help.
So many questions for me too..
I know- I also wondered if he was in on it. I also wonder if the new boyfriend is also in on it. I have no doubt that he would likely have to know that she does this considering she's doing this in his home all day long but her boyfriend is a police officer and works a lot of hours and it looks like she is mostly active on his shifts based on what I saw.
It's like I want to know, but at the same time I don't want to know. Holding this information in is a huge burden as it is.
All I can say is to care for
All I can say is to care for you mother and forget that your sister exists. Don't mix things up.
True
I already knew she was a piece of shit so it doesn't REALLY affect anything but it just makes me more disappointed than I was before.
I'll just keep treating my mom like the queen she is and say f*ck my sister.
Time for a PI to send her DH
Time for a PI to send her DH the full meal deal facts. Also time for her shit to go fully public.
I would seriously consider looping mom into the facts if she were not imminently terminal. She probably knows the basics sans the BF and prostitute career.
Enjoy your time with your mom. Write your sister off as the refuse she is.
That’s what my hubby said
My husband told me I should write an anonymous letter to her husband in Florida.
I'm considering it.
Just throw the match and watch it burn.
I don't think I could tell my mom though. I'm pretty sure this would send her into an early grave and don't think her heart, mind, soul or body could take it.
Nasty, Evil Beyotch!
That is so disguesting and disturbing. Terrible knowledge you are carrying. 1st thought is that your brother-in-law might need a (anonymous?) "Heads Up" about your sister's chosen lifestyle of betrayal, lies, and boyfriend (pimp?).
Sorry you have to have a sister like that - and grateful that your mom has YOU as a daughter! You are a true inspiration, demonstrating Real Love in action. I am proud of you!
Been contemplating!
I've really been contemplating telling him. I knew she always cheated on him and I know they have been rocky and at one point lived seperatley but then when she told me he sold his condo and moved back in and he still lives down there with their dogs (and she's been going back down to FL once a month for about a week at a time) I know that he still thinks they are full on married and working things out. And his family still stays in contact with her and she even admitted to me that his family never even knew they seperated at one point and lived seperatley. The whole thing is so fucked up. He's military and I know she's likley seeing him as her cash cow with the benefits she gets. She has a whole life in FL and then a whole seperate life in MI. The fact that she even admitted to me that her husband thinks she is living with my mom at her house and knows nothing about her boyfriend here just blows my mind. Her audacity to think none of this is ever going to catch up with her. Its completely insane. I think she tells me this because she knows I keep a tight lip and don't start problems but I think I may just START A PROBLEM.
What a vile piece of work.
What a vile piece of work. Ironically, I was discussing with my BFF just yesterday how two peole can be raised the same and turn out with a completely different set of values and morals.
I agree tgat it's time to firget your sister exists. Go no contact. Block her on whatever media you can. She's despicable.
You're an absolute gem and a blessing to your mother. Prayers and {{{hugs}}}
Appreciate you!
I truly appreciate the kind words, so much!
Our mother is a wonderful person and I don't know how my sister can make this choice. I want to go no-contact so bad but feel like it needs to be after my mom passes or else there will be suspicion from my mom and I don't want her to 'figure it out.'
I'm SO ANGRY that I have to be the one holding the burden of my sister's choices while she is totally shamless and unphased by the whole thing. I've been having nightmares every night since finding out and its been so heavy on my mind.
This is going to sound weird but I've been obsessed with signing onto her live shows to see what she is talking about because I'm terrified of what she is saying. I'm wondering if she's mentioning my son (her only nephew) or info about me or my family. I feel like I literally need to live in self protectioin mode and go ingognito to protect myself and my family because who knows what info she may be sharing that could trace back to us!
I am so sorry you are having to deal with your awful sister in
I am so sorry you are having to deal with your awful sister in addition to being the full time caretaker for your Mom. I agree, you need to do everything you can to protect your Mom from all of this. I would wait for any confronations or notifications until your Mom is gone. You don't anything to blow back on her.
However, if I was you, at some point, I would probably both confront my sister and notify her husband - I wouldn't be able to contain myself. The final straw for me would be her actually talking about your mother while "performing" - that is just sick and wrong.
I don't mean to be insensitive, but is your Mom's will and medical power of attorney all up to date? You don't want your sister causing any problems in the future.
I admire everything you are doing for your Mom. I know how hard it is and I also understand the love you have for your mother. You are truly a good person.
You are so kind.
Thank you for the kind words. my spirit, mind and soul needed to hear this. I love my mom so much.
Not insensitive at all! Luckily yes- EVERYTHING has me in charge. I am her Medical Advocate, Durable Power of Attorney, Successor of the Estate, ALL OF IT. THANK GOD!
As horrible as it sounds, my mom had to update all of that when my sister literally stole money that was supposed to go to my mom through a legal loophole. Long story for another day, but she literally stole and kept my mom's money just months after my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Kidney Cancer and 5 months after our dad died (my mom's husband and entire world for 45 years.)
I thought that was bad, now this.
The worst part; my mom is SO SWEET and so passive she brushes it off as "Its okay, she's just busy with work." and "She had to live where theres better internet to do her job and she needs to make a living- I understand." "I don't want to be a burden just because I'm sick."
It makes knowing what I know even harder on me. Its like I want my mom to have anger towards her which may be the wrong way to think but I can't help it! I want her to see her for who she is, but why, at this point? What's it even matter?
Your Mom sounds a lot like my Mom, always worried about
Your Mom sounds a lot like my Mom, always worried about everyone else and never herself. I completely understand your desire to have your Mom know the truth and be angry with your sister as well - I totally get that feeling. I also agree, at this time, there is no point in your Mom finding out the truth. And yes, your knowing the truth is definitely a burden - I would struggle with that as well. Probably best to just disengage from your sister as much as possible and don't involve her in your Mom's care at all.
Hey, Rose_Pedal,
Hey, Rose_Pedal,
Your little guy should be almost 3 months old by now, yes? I’m so glad that your beloved Mom was able to survive long enough to meet her grandson but it’s also a helluva lot on your plate, caring for an infant and a terminally ill parent as well as working! Hon, your goodness and devotion shine through all of your posts and I truly hope that karma has something very special in store for you.
My family also had a ‘black sheep’, a stone heroin addict (though intelligent, attractive and charming), who used and abused my parents and each of her 7 siblings. We’re a close family and enabled her, until she met an early death. She was a poster child for narcissism, never acknowledging the damage that she left in her wake; when one of us was drained dry, she would pop the spigot into the next familial victim, yet we grieved, deeply, when she died.
I would strongly recommend that you refrain from discussing your sister’s unsavoury occupation with your mom. The news can only hurt and disappoint her and, in her final days, your mom needs as much peace and comfort as possible.
Hon, you have every reason to feel great resentment at your sister’s jaw-dropping selfishness and neglect of your mother. It’s beyond unjust that you’re obliged to do so much when the sister is not only unhelpful, but exploiting her mother’s terminal illness to both cheat her husband and carry on her prostitution. Despicable is too good a word.
It’s almost impossible to carry on a double life forever; your sister is bound to crash and burn. Let her ruin her own life (such as it is) without any assistance from you. In fact, you are such an empath that you’d only end up feeling guilty. A million Canadian (((((HUGS))))) are heading your way. ♥️
So insightful.
I always look forward to hearing from you when I post. You have so much wisdom and I learn something new and insightful from you every time you comment.
Yes- little guy is 3 months and I am so in love with him. I absolutely adore him. He just started giggling and it's enough to melt my heart. He is perfect!
I didn't know this about your family. Wow! If you don't mind my asking, how old was she when she passed away? I have always said that I would not be surprised if my sister wound up in drugs and went down a path similar to this- living in her world of drama and false grievances towards everyone- always the victim, yet somehow always the agressor.
My mom will never know, for her own sake. This would put her in an early grave. But this burden has already been hard on me. I feel like I'm keeping such a huge secret from some of the most important people in my life.
Funny you say that. I am an empath and you're right- I would feel guilty. I've already started thinking of how I could tell her husband then it made me feel like a bad person! Ugh!
Hugs back! Thank you for all your love and words of comfort and wisdom.