How does the custody order read about decisions on schooling? If it has to be joint, he could file an emergency petition for a violation of the custody order. Is the hearing on the 22 just for child support - or could it be changed to cover this as well?

If she insists on this and she gets to do it until there is a court date, DH needs to not help with it in any way. BM needs to figure out how to get Demon back and forth and it needs to be made clear, again - that she will never, ever be doing school from your house.

You guys are in a tough position, DH needs to realize that try as he might, he may lose this fight. As far as punishments, does she have any other "currency" other than her phone? Is there anything else he could deny her that she would care about?

When DH gets into crying fights with SD, he becomes her peer, not her parent, and that's how she is treating him. That dynamic is what needs to be changed in my opinion. Otherwise, I'd work to keep this brat out of my house and out of my life. 

First, before leaving for vacation, have your attorney send BM a cease and desist order.  Bare BM's ass in court in 3wks

Do not allow her to bring the school lap top to your home if this does not reverse immediately.  Keep structure in place and keep that requirement on BM that school is at BM's and not your home. If BM and the Skid want to push this, then make them own it and hold them accountable for completing their choice successfully. Whatever pain and suffering  that has to be applied on them to drive that result.

IMHO of course.

Enjoy your vacation.

 I know that this statement is not an easy one to make, but do not let them in your head or ruin  your trip. Enjoy Europe, and enjoy each other. Go to war when you get back.

What does the CO say regarding custody, decisioning, etc..?

If BM does not have legal custody or specifically assigned decisioning authority on school, time to destroy her and get this kid back in physical class.  I would look into an accelerated graduation path so you can drive forced early emancipation putting her out to finish growing up on her own time and her own dime. That drives more control since anything she asks for once emancipated is a request and you have zero legal impetus to grant it. You and DH can stipulate very clearly what you will do and what SD will do with clearly defined performance standards on her.

As for taking her phone. If she sits it down, and you or DH pick it up, that is not abusively removing it from her possession. Stop letting her scare you with that kind of bullshit. Start bringing consequences, she curses, cut off WiFi, take her door off of her room, remove her personal belongings from the home, web cam the shit out of the house, record and save her profane toxic spawn temper tantrums.  

When we started getting the 14yo bullshit, we shipped ours off to Military School to get him into a new highly structured environment where pleasant existence was tied directly to performance and behavior and accountability was a full and immediate all of the time.  We could maintain that at home when he was with us, but at school, during class, when he was supposed to be at sports practice, at the library, etc.....  we had no oversight of that and sadly schools don't have the balls to make kids do what they should be doing.

Something that Military School does very well.  His Jr. year of HS was his first at Military school. He did exceptionally well. Midway through his 2nd semester his teachers pressured us to get him a laptop because of the limited availability of time in the computer lab for him to get papers done, etc... We knew better, but we were paying a shit ton of money for those teachers  so we took their advice.  By the end of his Jr. year he was starting to slide a bit in his performance.  His Sr. year started early with an invitation to summer leadership camp for Cadets assuming leadership roles when the Fall semester started. By Thanks Giving break he was failing a shit ton of classes. He and his SpermIdiot had hacked the school fire wall and were playing WoW all night to the point he was comatose in class and doing none of his work.  At Thanks Giving I took his laptop and had no intention of giving it back. As his mom and I were pulling away from my Aunt's house heading back to DE a day before he was to fly back to school he was standing there in tears, my parents were advocating for SS, so we handed him his laptop and told him not to screw it up. He had less than 4wks to salvage the entire semester.  There was some caveat to that semester. He came down with Swine Flu during that major epidemic at nearly the beginning of that semester.  His teachers had all of his work brought to the infirmary where he was quarantined for a couple of weeks. He did none of that work.

He came home for Winter break having failed all but one class. One of the Fs was the only class he absolutely had to pass during the Fall semester in order to graduate at the end of the Spring semester.  That class was not offered in Spring or Summer.  So, instead of paying for 3 more semester of tuition to maybe get him to graduation, we brought him home at Winter break, enrolled him in our local HS where we had moved a few weeks after he started at Military School. He knew no one. At Military school he needed only two classes to graduate. The one he failed in the Fall of Sr year, and one in the Spring. At our local HS, he needed 5 classes and an 18mo Sr. project that was assigned and supposed to be started at Winter break of Jr. year. SS had one semester to complete all of that including the Sr. project due the first week of March.  He had less than 8wks to get 18mos of work done plus keeping up with 2 English classes, a math class, and two career path classes where he was cataloging, computerizing, and organizing the music library for the Band Director.  

He lived with our collective foot up his butt.  He knew that we either went to graduation on graduation day, or we dropped him off at the local homeless camp. We put the exclamation point on that by dropping him off at the homeless camp under the Interstate in Philadelphia to meet his potential neighbors.  Those wonderful homeless people were angels. They welcomed him, fed him, tag team lectured him on pulling his head out of his butt how much his parents obviously cared about him, and basically scared the living shit out of him.

He graduated on time and with honors though his Sr. project took him writing an appeal to get that credit when his faculty project review committee did not approve his submittal One committee member failed him while two passed his project.  It took 100% committee approval to get the credit.  His appeal was successful. We made him write it, present it, and defend his project. His mom was at worked buried in Tax season hell. I was in the hallway waiting on him to deal with it.  I could have been in with him but I made it cleat to him that this was on him and he had to do it. We did go to graduation where SS graduated on time with his class and with honors.  It was a decidedly subdued event.  Getting him to that point was a major struggle, emotionally draining, and not something anyone had the bandwidth to celebrate about. Not SS. He was scared to death about having to grow up, launching into adulthood, and he knew that everyone was disappointed hn how he got there.  To salvage some level of recognition we flew my ILs to visit for SS's graduation and I had to specifically ask my parents to attend.  He and my parents have always been very close.  

Even with his GPs present, it was a surely burdened event.

He did ultimately launch successfully but that took nearly another year and a concerted burning platform effort from his mom and me.

I would have a plan in place for crazy trying to avoid having SD at her place during school hours. Such as she takes a trip last minute and locks the door with no key. I think as much as Crazy advocates for her she is actually afraid of her and doesn't actually want to deal with her. Is there a library she can be dropped off at? My worst fear would be to be at home with SD for this online school crap

I would see a lawyer to see what options there for your case 

I also agree I'd take her phone when it's out of sight /reach.

I would also leave it a hill to die on that she doesn't set foot in your house during school hours, no matter what circumstance. If you do it once she has won...so come up with a solid plan

Does SD have a key to your home? If so I would rekey and have a garage code that you can easily change or something like that.

If crazy even tries once to leave town and force SD to your house then start a case with a lawyer that SD can't be in school as her mother who is advocating for it isn't a fit parent and isn't available for the online school

ETA the CONDITION for SD going to school is that she has full custody with Crazy and Dh only gets SD on weekends as was suggested below. And this doesn't mean Crazy pawns her off. It means if they want it they need to be able to HANDLE it. If they can't handle it then back to real life school. It's the only way 

So she lives at mommy's sunday 6pm - friday 6pm and only stays w/ you during wth school year on all vacations/holidays. She gets her way, mommy gets her way and you two bow out and let the blame fall where it's needed when she fails. 

Your SD sounds like one of my SDs ex friends. Her mom is a saint and her dad is... I'll just say crazy... they are still together but this girl did this exact same thing. She REFUSED to go to school. 

Long story short.. she should be a senior in high school... yet she is at a freshman level stil.... I talk to her mom still on occasion. Her mom did EVERYTHING she possibly could... 

Your SD will go absolutely no where in life if this is allowed.. as like this girl that I know.. 

SD can not come to your home during school time.  Monday to Friday 7 AM to 3 PM.    Let the chips fall into BM home. You must disengage.  Nobody is listening to you so stop fighting it abd just disengage away 

You and your DH are going through the painful effects of parental alienation, a tactic straight from the toxic parenting playbook that so many high-conflict BMs use against their ex-husbands and the so-called "evil stepmothers." What this BM (the cult leader) is doing is nothing short of pathological parenting, and her goal is crystal clear—to destroy Demon’s relationship with her father.

This behavior is both manipulative and damaging, and it’s something Dr. Childress discusses in detail. I’m attaching a link to a PDF of his work on Pathological Parenting, which may help shed light on what you’re facing, and I offer some advice on how to navigate these toxic dynamics.

First and foremost, you need to be working with a therapist who understands the dynamics of attachment-based parental alienation. This type of professional can truly help navigate the complexities of what you’re dealing with. If you're already working with such a counselor and they’re truly effective, they would likely recommend that Demon stays with you and your husband full-time, completely disengaging from her mother.

The harsh truth is that the only way to combat attachment-based parental alienation is to fully remove the child from "the cult" and its influence. This means taking the next step—going to court and doing battle with the cult leader BM. Unfortunately, the court systems often seem designed to favor these high-conflict BMs, aiding them in their quest to destroy ex-husbands and, in the process, turn them into ex-fathers as well.

The only truly effective strategy to save a child’s relationship with their father is to remove them from the toxic influence of the cult leader BM. But here’s the catch—how many judges are actually willing to award custody to the “hated” targeted parent? Very few. The unfortunate reality is that the court system often sides with toxic BMs, who have become the bread and butter of family court. These high-conflict cases keep the coffers full, ensuring a continuous flow of funds into the system, while the targeted parent—usually the father—ends up fighting a nearly impossible battle to reclaim their role in their child's life.

Knowing what I know now, the advice I would give to young men is this: be extremely cautious about whom you choose to have children with. A toxic BM will start the alienation and smear campaign against the father from the very first day of the child's life. It’s all about control, and for her, it's an insurance policy. If the marriage falls apart, she has the ultimate weapon to "punish" her ex-husband—using the child as leverage, as you are experiencing now.

These types of toxic women never take responsibility for their actions. In their minds, everything is the ex-husband's fault, and alienation becomes their twisted way of exacting revenge. So, it’s crucial for men to choose wisely, because the wrong partner can turn co-parenting into a lifelong battle, driven by manipulation and a complete lack of accountability.

My husband’s lawyer recognized immediately that we were dealing with parental alienation and knew how the family court system operates. Since YSD was sixteen and close to aging out of the system, the lawyer took a strategic approach. Instead of trying the impossible—getting YSD away from the toxic influence of Crazy BM—he did the next best thing: he requested that BM be granted custodial parent status, AND he freed DH from paying child support.

The judge agreed to this for two reasons:

First, the judge made BM the custodial parent. It might seem like a ‘win,’ at first glance. But here’s the judge’s rationale for doing this.

When a biological mother successfully alienates her children from their father, those kids remain emotionally estranged, their loyalty shifting entirely toward the "mothership." It's a painful reality, but when a man has children with a Cluster-B personality type, those children are never truly his; they are emotionally bound to their mother, no matter how toxic the relationship might be. Their allegiance will always lie with her.

In the case of YSD, it was only a matter of time before she was fully PASed out—something that was inevitable and she would run back to ‘the mothership’ to get beamed up. YSD would open her communicator and hail Crazy, “Beam me up to the mothership, Mommy Dearest, there’s no live down here.”

When that happened, BM would bear the full responsibility for her. BM now must get YSD to school, to her doctor’s and dental visits, make sure YSD does her homework, must make sure YSD graduates from HS, must provide food for YSD and let me tell you, YSD can pack away food like a grown-ass adult construction worker. Here’s the best part, if she gets tired of YSD’s shenanigans, Crazy can’t pawn YSD back onto DH and me after she herself get tired of YSD’s BS. With DH as the non-custodial parent, he has the legal right to refuse possession of YSD. In essence, he was finally freed from YSD’s chaos and the constant drama, allowing us to step back from the endless cycle of conflict that had consumed so much of our lives.

Second, the judge pulled out BM’s teeth - to stop BM from dragging DH back to court every chance she got, the judge effectively defanged her by ending child support. This meant no more leverage to keep pulling DH through the court system. Given that BM could only take DH back to court every three years, YSD would age out of the system before BM had another chance to try to "bleed him dry" through legal means. It was a small but significant victory for DH, protecting him from years of ongoing manipulation.

The people here gave you some good advice. If your husband has Rags fortitude, he should enact Rag’s plan to get a skid back on track.  However, Rags is unique. And enacting Rag's advice right now, at this late stage of the game, the skid is guaranteed to return to the mothership. Why? Because she can, that's why. But is that such a bad thing? If that happens, your DH could drop the rope. Again, is that such a bad thing? 

There’s a silver lining to all of this—at least for the stepparent. Once the skids are fully PASed out, you’ll finally experience peace and serenity in your home, almost like you've died and gone to heaven. I’m living my best life now with DH, free from the constant tension and the toxic energy of living with people who hate me. If your skid gets "PASed out," maybe you can find that same peace too. It’s like a breath of fresh air, and the relief is beyond what I ever imagined possible.

Unlike Dr. Childress, who believes Parental Alienation is driven by a toxic parent or ex-spouse trying to recreate or reclaim the "first failed family," I disagree.

 I think at the end of the BM's toxic game; it’s their toxic attempt to come to terms with the failure, to permanently sever ties with the ex by destroying the relationship between the ex-spouse and the children—the final link to that broken family. If the skids decide that their father is no longer "family," it’s time for Dad to move on and start acting accordingly. The reality is, once that connection is cut, there’s no point in trying to cling to the past. It’s time for Dad to stop chasing what’s lost and build a new life, preferably – with you.

Good luck

Pathological Parenting

https://drcachildress-consulting.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Diagnost...

Yesterdays wrote: 

Now..SS did SOME online school.. Because of so called bullying.... Quit that.. And got a high school equivalency from a local college 

Didn't attend post secondary and now works at a cafe... 

You are correct, Yesterdays:

In Greek mythology, Medea is a sorceress who kills her own children as an act of revenge against her husband, Jason, for abandoning her.

I believe that many toxic BMs are “modern day Medeas”, even those who initiated their divorces, operate with a similar mindset, as Crazy does. Despite being the ones to end the marriage, they often harbor deep-seated abandonment issues and feel as though their ex-husbands have wronged them or "abandoned" them in some way. As twisted as it may seem, these mothers destroy their children as revenge, aiming to destroy or limit their kids potential as a way of exacting punishment on the ex-husband, much like Medea did in her fury.

Demon got her way- unbelievable .....

....Demon (SD15) 

Bruh y'all kill me with these titles and nicknames 

Guess I can't say anything...I renamed my former skids "d0mestic t3rrorist money pit #1/ addicted gamer/ potential permanent dependent" and the other "d0mestic t3rrorist money pit #2 / clingy mini spouse"

And yes to answer your question .... they always get their way (no matter what shenanigans they have to pull) .... that's why they're also known as d3mon, t3rrorists, etc

Have a nice vacation". So, Crazy is going rogue and letting her do online schooling without DH's consent! And because DH won't say yes, SD has had repeated temper tantrums and repeatedly tried to bully him into getting her way. It's insane. 
 

Enjoy your vacation 

If you have a lawyer let them put BM and defiant skid in their place. 
 

No BM shouldn't be making major unilateral decisions and hopefully y'all record these calls if it's legal in your state. If BM did make this decision then she absolutely should face the consequences and SD do her "home school" At her moms house only ... 
 

Repercussions for kids cursing you out??? ----> take their cellphone and hand them a $50 senior citizen flip phone, take all their privileges and refuse privileges  until they apologize and redeem themselves 

back in the days we would have gotten popped in the mouth or spanked on the behind if we dare curse our parents