She is delusional,  most likely needs mental help.   She obviously didn't want her father to marry you.  She wanted to be the mini wife,  whe DH  would ask her what she and BM  needs.  Maybe she needed a paid vacation with her and BM and her DH and GK.    
'maybe she needs money.  Everyone needs money.    
'But the fact you must realize is that she is not going to change. The dysfunction thoughts are only going to get worst.  I know it's his DD.  But he can not let her treat him this way

I wonder how her husband copes...

I'm sorry your husband is hurting so much but he needs to realize that this relationship cannot possibly be saved and it's time he dropped the rope. I know it's a horrible thing for him to envisage but she's never going to come round and even trying to be nice to her gets him smacked (figuratively) in the face. It isn't worth the effort. I hope she's proud of herself for depriving her kids of a grandfather. 

Talk about deja vu, Merry. This is the same lines still spewed to me by SD29 pretty much verbatim. It's classic. How she never was put first..because everyone else always did  .I've been looped into that everyone else category you betcha. She hasn't cut off her father although she throws out the whole he never had enough time of any for her.  The difference is that I'm the target of her disdain and silent treatment since she can no longer run the guilt trip game on me as much as she can with daddyyyy and Grammyyy. 

The same delusional. Narcissistic. Bpd tendencies is also strong with this one...some of the same signs are there.  

Like with your step..mine is also supposedly happy with her own children..her umm fiance and her self appointed stepchildren. Also comes off like she's so mature and had apparently reached the path to enlightenment.  Preaches about moving forward and wanting to forget the past.

Gee for someone who believes in that..she sure can't stop regurgitating the past ..acting the exact same way as when she was still the same jealous insecure 13 year old I first encountered.  You would think that DH and I had just gotten together last week.  She is such a joke it's pathetic 

I want to say I feel your pain if I actually didn't feel glad that SD isn't talking to me since it's affording me peace the more she keeps it up. Let her think it's a punishment.  I don't care.  

Your SD..also needs to focus on her own family she created.  Also..If they were truly satisfied with their own Lives then they wouldn't be so obsessed with what everyone else is doing or not and looking for ways to eff with yours and dhs 

This sounds eerily like my SD--get this--when she was in therapy as a teen. SS even told us that SD's therapist was a bad one who "also has 'daddy issues'" and was supporting her in not speaking to DH and then aggressively "confronting" him with a bunch of unrealistic BS. (I was so angry at DH, as I had told him he needed to be involved in choosing the therapist that I knew he was partially paying for, for God's sake; I KNEW what kind of goofy quack BM would pick.) There are SO MANY bad so-called counselors out there. 

That was my long way of asking: Is she seeing a therapist? 

Either way, yes, let's all pray, chant, and do dances around bonfires that she cuts you all off for good, that your DH doesn't chase this "little brat," and that the result is peace in your lives! 

This, my online fiend, is why I keep reading this forum. It seems there is a script and playbook in stephell that the conniving and cutting ppl get issued at the outset. It is uncanny how lock-step the "fights" and guilt trips go. When it happens in rl and you navigate it alone, you really begin to feel overwhelmed and crazy. The normalcy of reality in a healthy family is turned completely upside down. It is a through the looking glass experience on the daily. My condolences and sincere empathy on the heartache you are watching unfold. Truly. There will be more, or a variation of the already spewed crap. I hope you can brace your heart and that you husband can shake off the pain from her demands. Limping along with knives figuratively poking in your back is heavy.

Her poor husband. I will never understand how men are attracted to these types. I know two (friends SILs) who sound similar to your SD. 

Hopefully your DH accepts the fact he isn't allowed in his grandkids lives. Sad for them. 

You know what they call divorced men who put their children above everything? Lonely. Maybe.... just MAYBE her father has needs of his own??? God forbid he want the companionship of another woman and prioritize his happiness over her every little demand. Really what a self-absorbed little witch. 

She can keep her kids. She's only shooting herself in the foot because a lot of younger parents would appreciate the free babysitting and gifts that your husband would undoubtedly bestow on his grandchildren. 

He wouldn't be around to hear it, but if he's lucky his children will, in the end, publicly and tearfully forgive him.

Or at least that's what my husband's adult children did at his funeral. I've never been quite sure for what, but hey. They had nothing to be sorry for, apparently. 

My step son, a couple weeks after he screamed into my face and then ran away.. Texted my husband, "You put HER above MY boundaries". These kids want it all to be put first.

I really don't get what your adult kid wants when they say they want to be put first. Ummmm you have your own family and life that now comes first, if you want to have a relationship with me that makes sense and we can do things together but how the heck are you going to put an adult kid first, lol. 

You can't talk common sense with these people. She doesn't even know what she really wants?? I bet she couldn't even explain it other than saying she wants to be put first.

Alone time with daddy? It that's the case I'm sure it's doable. Other than that how do you put an adult kid first. I'm missing something lol

Kids are never first. If they are the parents have failed.  The partners are first, then the family. Kids are part of the family which means, never first.

As minors, they are the adult's top responsibility.  As adults, they are neither a responsibility or a priority.

I have noted on Reddit there have been a ton of hurt fee fees young adults crying how  "I was never first!" whiny bullshit lately.  Yep, they are the assholes.  The whiny failed adult shit spawn that is.

IMHO of course.

Just wanted to chime in on the thread. My stepdaughter is in her late 30s now and after her wedding, there was a fallout and she kept herself estranged from her dad for 3 1/2 years now. He did not chase her or call her and just let it be. Now it seems that she is wanting, some kind of relationship with him only. She told him he forced them into this step life. Oh, it couldn't be because her mom cheated and married and moved clear across the United States. She told her dad this isn't a two for one deal. She called me a puppet master. She's actually the one being a puppet master by poisoning, her brother to do the same estrangement to their dad. My husband has been strong and doesn't fall for their breadcrumb Trail. I can't really say that he wore Rose colored glasses, but he definitely sees things clearly now. I am disengaged and it's easy now since I've had 3 1/2 years to understand that as a stepmom, I will never be seen as family. I read step talk daily, and it has helped me so much to understand that I am not alone.

Not all parents make it to 74.  Less make it to 84. Not many to 94.    Instead of enjoying time with her DF.. his wife ..SHE is in this dysfunctional thing about who more important.   Instead  ut memor making memory . With her parents abd GK .  She is going on with nonsense.  In the end all we have is out memories.  It's her and her kids lost 

Why do these skid get into these pissing matches about who is more important?
 

Sheesh - if ya bio parent worked to provide roof, food, clothing then you're important to them. 
 

Lots of true deadbeats that don't give one flying f*ck about their own offspring so if she really wants to compare all she needs to do is walk down to the nearest child support court to humble herself really quick 

She wants her married FATHER to "put her first" when she has a husband??

Kids needs are "first" when they are minors. Beyond that, they are to put themselves first in their decisions, later, put a spouse first.

Some spoiled kids do not understand how life, marriage and raising children is supposed to work.

I would ask her, "So, when your kids are adults and married, you'll put them first, above your husband??"

I would offer to put up half as much as their bio father is contributing. Let her seethe.

Having been raised across the planet from my GPs, this whole make demands of the GP thing is foreign to my experience and to my brain activity.  IMHO parents need to be independent from the need for coddling by their own parents and should not be trying to expand the coddling their own parents perpectrated on them to their children.

If I were a GP, my stance would be "Wwe will be there on this day and we will leave on this day, and this is what we will be doing. Join us, or we can take the GKs, or not." End of drama, end of discussion. GPs are not beck and call resources for peole who clearly had no business breeding in the first place.

One a year we would visit both sets of GPs on the two month summer leave my parents would take.  We would usually make an interesting stop on the way home to the US or on the way back home overseas go visit some friends, make a stop in each state that my GPs lived in, do some US centric touring. It was not a process where my parents showed up begging for attention from their own parents or dumping their kids off on my GPs.

I know that dynamics are different in every family. However, unhealthy is what it is is and we know it when we see it. A GP should have zero tolerance for that crap. The GP has raised their kids and have no duty to continue to coddle the kids they have raised by coddling the kids their kids are raising.

IMHO of course.

My parents enjoy their GKs. However, their GKs are nothing more than the children of their children at the base level. They have all built their own relationships with my mom and dad as my parents have with the GKs. That relationship dynmic is both individual for each GK and collectively as all of the GKs sharing an incredible set of GPs.

I cannot digest a situation where a GP would tolerate being told to F-off by their kid regarding interfacing with a GK. Nor can I digest a GP tolerating attempts to force them to coddle their GKs by their own kids.

IMHO these relationships evolve organically and those that are polluted expire. As they should.