Disengaging from only 1 skid?
I have no idea how is best to move forward. We've had a long journey and tied the knot this year, with a 3 year old ours baby. All our children attended and enjoyed, participated in the wedding etc. following the wedding teen SD alienated child behaviour seemed to ramp up again. Visits became less and less. Then in the summer took a complete u turn and stop coming all together.
waited it out/gave her space, she was pushing asking for cash to spend with her friends but refusing to participate in any family time at all with us.
Got to September and asked her to come on a last minute holiday with me, OH and my bio teen. Her mum refused. Eventually gave up after ALOT of fuss. She joined us on holiday. All was great until my teen saw messages between SD and her mum really bad mouthing us all. Radical stuff. Bout how evil we are. And how ugly we are to be around why would she even like us. Her dad is pathetic etc etc and she's basically saying... don't think I'm up their arse just cause I want a holiday off them. And how she'd rather have an expensive coat that spend time with us. We sat he down, explained how sad that is to see and asked her does she want to spend time with us. She sat silent. Her dad was in tears, really hard watch. Then I said she should be visiting on her court ordered time at the minimum every other weekend, or an arranged alternative if something important is on. She said ok.
first weekend back was her dads big birthday. We booked and paid for all plans long weekend etc. she decided she was too sick to come. She also did the same Father's Day. My teen is like... what's going on are you really not bothering etc she flips it and says she's not coming anymore. Messaged my husband he's "lost her as a daughter" and gone on strike again.
Now he previously responds to manipulation. Not so much now but I can see his grief. We have other children whom still caring for and love to come. Age 6 and 10. Of course they are beigg by alienated too and their mother scares them. Court are not interested we've established this.
So are we doing right by continuing our family as we do, making memories celebrating together etc and just leaving the door open to his eldest? I feel like I can see she's headed this way a long time but OH struggling to process and know how to handle.
He told me his teen said I don't like her (her and mum make me scapegoat of course). It's my own daughters birthday too soon and we celebrated the whole of the families together with a meal etc even hers now I know she will reject my daughter and not bother. So I say that is behaviour I don't like. I can't pretend to allow her to act hurtful to the younger children just because. So I guess my question is, is it even possible for me to disengage from one step child? Shes really something else for spoiled brat attitude right now. The whole house engage is shared responsibility/chores and she stood arguing with me telling me she will rinse her own cup and not a single cup more. It's really ugly to see.
thanks
Just to add the badmouthing
Just to add the badmouthing is mostly birth mums words and SD pacifying
How old is she?
How old is she?
She's 14
She's 14
I think you should carry on
I think you should carry on seeing the two younger children as normal for as long as possible - you say they are being alienated and this may well be the case. Elder SD has really pushed you and DH away hard - and there is nothing much you can do about that, or about the alienation. I am estranged from my SD29 for the past 2.5 yrs - I am not estranged from her younger sister, SD27, but this one has said she is not coming to our house because I won't see SD29. I've said DH is welcome to invite them to our home and I'll stay at a friend's - but he is not willing to do that. So we are at an impasse. It doesn't make much difference to me, all I am adamant about is that I won't be subjected to SD29 any more!
All through their childhood, BM alienated them from us both, but mainly me - telling them all sorts of untrue and insulting things about me. It's very common, sadly.
You are lucky!
Kes, your husband sounds like a standup guy! It seems there are many who are not. I am impressed that he does NOT take you up on your offer to vacate your home so his daughters can visit. There is no way I would leave our home, anyone who can not follow our standards of kindness and respect does not belong here. We have created a sanctuary, our 'safe place'.
OSD is not welcome in our home and I honestly do not see that changing. YSD is rarely here (it's been months actually) and I am okay with that; she invades my kitchen, reads my mail, eats and runs (as in no offer to assist in clean up), etc. I would expect more from someone in their 30's.
It wasn't always thus, Trudie
It wasn't always thus, Trudie. When things erupted with SD29, DH wanted me to appease her, in fact threatened to divorce me if I didn't. As you can imagine, this caused almighty ructions in our marriage and we did almost separate. However he has been in therapy since May 2022, and I don't believe he would behave like this now.
Wow....
Why can they not 'see'? It baffles me! What made him see the light and agree to therapy? I know that so many are opposed to therapy. I am happy for you that he is now putting you first..where you should be!
Was talking to my therapist this morning about peoples' inability to 'see'. She told me it is VERY COMMON to not view oneself or one's family with clear vision; her words, "It takes a high level of maturity."
I am fully aware that one is unable to change another; one needs to see them for who/what they are, remember it, and place them accordingly in one's life. Many belong on the fringe....
Therapy was his idea! I had
Therapy was his idea! I had recently found a therapist for a friend of mine (this used to be my line of work), and she thought she was very good, so DH went to her and liked her. It did take him some time in therapy before he stopped trying to intimidate me by losing his temper and walking out whenever we had a difference of opinion. And also it took time before he realised he shouldn't be threatening me. If he had continued I would have left him. He still has SD29 slightly on a pedestal, but is aware she probably has borderline personality disorder.
Sorry Mumof6 for hijacking your thread!
Wow!
I bet that is why therapy has been so effective...because it was his idea!
It was not my husband's idea, but he has benefited greatly. I think he truly did not know any other way. He took the lead of his entire family and just brushed the nonsense under the rug. He has learned that does not work. He has told his family it does not work. They do not believe it...and blame me for saying "no", setting boundaries, and disengaging. DH and I know different. We can not change them, but we will continue to handle things on our terms. Their dysfunctional denial is becoming less and less our problem.
When they get that age
There friends and boy friends come into play. Maybe she has a boyfriend,, And don't want to be away from him. To keep track of him. Or other friends that she has important things to do with them. Nothing you can do by force her
IMHO.. 14 year old girls are
IMHO.. 14 year old girls are the worst.. haha. They don't even like themselves half the time.. (and I was one too).
It sounds like mom has really put on a lot of pressure and the girl is likely in a loyalty bind with mom.. she was seeminglly having a decent time on the trip.. but her loyalty to mom made her send messages that would be very to the contrary. I also see girls that age as much more interested in time with their peer groups than family (again.. I was one.. and as a teen spent little time with my family really.. i was in school.. at work.. in sports.. with friends... only occasional family dinners.. or trips). I know it was more difficult as my SD's got to be teens.. and their friends and "life" was mostly at mom's because that's where they went to school. (we were a few hours away).
In any case.. of course you can disengage from a child who is not interested in engaging with you. You can be civil.. polite.. even moderately friendly when in her company.. but you don't have to bend over backwards to ensure she is included in everything.. when she has made it clear she is not overly interested.
So, if one of the other kids wants to invite her to a party.. fine.. if she declines.. again.. fine.
Her father, has a higher level of obligation to continue to "try" with his bio daughter.. and he should be making efforts to keep in touch.. even if it is only via text or phone..
You don't have to have your household stop operating.. you don't have to stop doing fun things with the kids.. she should be invited.. but.. it's up to her father whether he wants to push for her involvement.
Oh hell no. If this was going in in my world it would be game on
Time for scorched earth destruction on this SKid and her idiot mother. Nothing rude. Just pointedly traumatizing in a way that highlights her idiocy and what it is costing her.
Daddy needs to smack BM with a contempt motion each and every time she fails to surrender the Skid per the COd visitation schedule. Every time.
Now, start doing all types of cool stuff and making sure this noxious BM minion spawn is not present. Then harp on how much fun it all is, flood social media with it all peppered with little tweaks of "Wish you were part of our family.". Referencing her by name. Take everyone except her to a concert with her favorite musical artists. Go on a shopping trip with all of the girls in the family, except her, to her favorite clothing brands. Give everyone her dream smart phone, etc, etc, etc...
Book a top tier Disney all in trip for the family, except her.
Start serving her continual lessons on the fact that her shit and sucking on BM's noxious PASing tit will cost her big time.
Tolerating this kind of crap is beyond me. Torture would be my fondest hobby in this type of situation.
Grrrrrr.