After 4 years of 'visitation', in other words, having the 3 skids here every second they weren't in school, they moved in full time, one after the other. OSS was first, one summer he just never left and apparently, BM was ok with it.  We always got along and I was just beginning to adjust when 3 months later, Pow!  SD and BM had a big fight, SD ran away then when she returned, she moved in. She had always been a mmiwife problem so that was a trip,  6 months later YSS moved in.  I had always had a so-so relationship with him.

So, there I was at 32yo with 5 kids from 11-15.  Yeah.  But, to my huge surprise, my life was easier once they all lived here!  That visitation back and forth drove me nuts and I think the continual adjustments were hard on the kids, too.  I won't kid you and say life was easy but the tension seemed to drop a little.

How is your relationship with SS?  That's a big factor.  Is he well-behaved, in general?  I felt like each child moving in was kind of like having a new baby, the family adjustments.

Wishing you all the best luck.  I guess my takeaway is you might be surprised if your tension level drops, too.  It CAN work out.

This sounds like an absolute nightmare. I am so sorry. Talking to a counselor/therapist will probably help you a lot--someone who "gets" toxic blended families. 

We went through the heavy PAS'ing with BM here, too, among many other things. What we had in our corner was that DH's entire family chose to have nothing to do with toxic BM, so, thank God, there wasn't that element. And then, after I told DH to get out, marital counseling (we lived separately for about 6 months during our first 2 years of  marriage--how pathetic is that!). If things had not changed, I was ready to divorce.  

SO....Can things change in your situation? Meaning can the way DH operates change here? If not, you will be the person to make change for YOUR life to make it better. And it can get better. No one deserves this. We all deserve partners who look after OUR wellbeing. 

2 phrases i picked out from your post, regarding your DH's reasons for doing things: 1 is "in hope of" and 2 is "in fear of." Acting based on those motivations in Stepland are surefire ways to lose. What he should do is get SS and after having him for a time, maybe 6 months, file for a CO and CS change. He has to want it, though. You can't grow a set of balls for him. You can, maybe, help him to see the value of the CS by letting him do any increased work involved with having SS fulltime. Your DH will cook, wash, clean after, pay for, and transport SS. Your DH must be the one to feel the impact of his choices. 

One what will never end.  These kids have no respect,or responsibility in life. It's to late to try to teach them anything.   You have to do what best for you.  Your SO don't care about you.  He's still tied to his ex.   His ex gets more respect then you.  
'It's your life,, you must do what you have to.  I would not be paying for the ex. But that's me

has an online calculator that allows you to determine what CS should actually be. Maybe check and see if yours does which could possibly alleviate your partner's concerns that he might end up paying more support? 

Causing his own problems. Letting BM walk all over him and you is unacceptable.  He may be a spineless person but you must step up for your own wellbeing,  The money fest must stop.  There needs to be a court approved CO.  With everything spelled out .  Every dot dotter . Everything t crossed.  And that's it . Or you will be bank rup living in a cardboard box with BM needing something.

Keep It Stupid Simple. If BM has booted a minor kid, daddy needs to nail her ass in court for a CS mod.  The ball-less bullshit your DH pulls with his complete absence of testicular fortitude is nauseating.

If he does not have a CO, he needs go go until he gets one.  A CO is the best took to structure and manage the whole blended family thing.  Though the SP(s) is(are) not a party to the case the CO is also the SP's best took for managing their place in the blended family continuum and for managing their own mate.  

One thing I consider an absolute truth is that if a divorced or out of wedlock breeding parent does not have a CO defining Custody/Visitation/Support, they are completely unworthy of engaging in a relationship with anyone as a partner. They are already shit and a failure as a person, adult, and ... as a partner.

None of this is rocket science or conceptually complicated.  Though it is extremely difficult to manage.  The simpler it is, the easier it is to create a life of adventure and a love for the ages together with a partner. A partner who has no spine will never be worthy of you.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

I don't understand her logic. She kicked her minor child out and told your DH he can have him provided he doesn't take her to court? Where else is the kid supposed to go? Doesn't your DH realize that he's holding all the  cards?

First off, get proof of where she's working and what she's earning. It'd be useful also to get an estimate of her actual earning potential. If your husband stresses over the idea that he'd end up paying more ... direct him to the CS calculator for your state. Chances are he's been overpaying her for years.

Then go for the jugular.

I can tell you love your DH and care about SS, but as a bio mom you MUST do what's best for your kids and yourself. That includes not allowing your DH to make fear - based unilateral decisions that harm your family.

When we had to get emergency custody of YSD14, I wasn't able to accompany my DH to court due to work. He won the petition easily, and while discussing how things had gone afterwards, I asked how much CS he'd been awarded. Imagine my anger when he scoffed and said he didn't need any help from pathetic BM.

That's when I did what most SMs don't do enough - I stood up for myself, and I made my husband more afraid of me than BM. I asked why he was okay with an unrelated adult helping to support his kid but didn't think BM should have to. And I told him that if he wanted my support, he needed to file for cs ASAP. I gave him the pointy toed boot to the butt that he needed, and he filed. 

Do not tolerate your DH sacrificing family harmony so he can have his do over fantasy - assert yourself and lay down some rules. Insist he get a CO and cs! Don't pick up any of the added slack, and be sure to have a launch plan agreed on because kids like your SS tend to ping pong between parents well I to adulthood.