I'm a new Step Parent, I think...

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Hey everyone,

I’m looking for some advice as a new step-parent. I’m 28, my partner is 29, and she has a 7-year-old daughter. We’ve been living together for about five months now, and while communication is generally good, a few issues are coming up that I’m finding tricky to manage.

Negative Comments from Step-Mum at Dad’s House: SD is a great kid, but lately, she’s been making comments about her step-mum at her dad’s place—things like how much she “hates me” or that I’m “not her parent, so she doesn’t have to listen to me.” Apparently, her step-mum has been saying negative things about me to her. I’ve tried to address this with both SD and my partner, but it’s tough because my partner doesn’t want to stir up conflict. Has anyone dealt with this kind of situation, and if so, what helped?

Imposter Syndrome as a Step-Parent: I often feel like an outsider during family events since I’m not her biological parent. My partner is supportive but sometimes corrects me in front of SD, which makes me feel undermined. I worry this might lead SD to think she doesn’t need to listen to me. Any tips on building authority in a respectful way?

The “Baby Voice” Issue: SD sometimes uses a baby voice, which we gently discourage, but we think it might be encouraged at her dad’s place. This makes consistent messaging a challenge. Any advice on how to address behavior when co-parenting approaches differ?

Overall, adjusting to step-parenting has been tough. Sometimes I feel like I need a break, but I also don’t want to miss out on time with her. If anyone has suggestions or similar experiences, I’d appreciate your perspective. Thanks!

This is normal SP crap

That's why we get PTSD. from all of it. Kids play one parent against the other. How does your SO deal with her ex.? Talk everyday. Or not at all. ? Does your SO wants the one big happy family. Invite the ex over for joint party's. Holidays?

Hey mate,

She only communicates with him when she has too.

But he will make comments here and there and it sets her off and she has explosive adhd. Destructive but controlled.

Welcome to the site! OP, your

Welcome to the site! OP, your post has been updated. The child's name has been replaced with SD (Step Daughter).

Here is a list of some other abbreviations:

https://www.steptalk.org/faq#a2

Please feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns.

Cheers mate,

Welcome!

Hi, Smiley! You've come to the right place. We have all been thru it.

I wasn't clear whether or not you are married or intend to be. I'm assuming you're planning to stay. The first thing is to make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Nothing works til you're aligned.

Negative comments: there's not much you can do about what goes on in other homes but don't comment negatively about the adults. Your partner should be addressing all this. It might be a case of the girl pitting one set of parents against the other to get her way. That"s common.

Imposter Syndrome: your partner should definitely not be correcting you in front of SD, that undermines you, for sure. And, if you're both aligned, it shouldn't be necessary.

Baby voice: how annoying. Perhaps it's ok at Dads house but each time she does it, your partner should say, "I'll listen when you speak normally".

You sound like a good guy, a conscience person who wants to do well. Here's what I'd advise: be that stable, steady man in SD's life. Stay very close to your partner and stay aligned. Leave all discipline to your partner.

I'm sure the other StepTalkers will have good advice. Step-parenting can be tough but it can also build a very strong bond witj your partner. Good luck!

Appreicate the advice,

Hard one, she has been mostly a single parent so I think she finds it hard to let me take on that parenting role at times.

For her when she corrects me which is not all the time she is just using common sense after she explains it. For example, we were at a kids festival and I asked the SD and her friend to stay with me so I didn't lose them but she said that they could go run around in the grassed area. I let her know not to correct me in front of her but she explained they are hyper on sugar and want to run around and that they were still within visual range so let them play essentially instead of keeping them at my feet.

Makes sense but in my mind I just didn't want to lose them.

Thanks Mate,

Nah I don't think she is a failure I think she is just struggling with letting me parent on her behalf. I will try and provide an example before and get your opinion on it if you have time.

Makes sense but in my mind I just didn't want to lose them.

As far as the negative

As far as the negative comments from bio-dad'S wife about you - how does this woman even know all that much about you? When you say you feel like an outsider at "family events" please don't tell me you are all together with your partner's ex and the stepmom. That is entirely too much togetherness. The stepmom doesn't need to know much about you aside from what anyone would need to know about anyone, which is you aren't abusing your stepkid.

Your partner is wrong to correct you in front of the child unless you are doing something that puts the child in immediate danger or being verbally abusive. Boundaries need to be in place with your partner's ex and his wife. A child can be corrected, preferably by Mom, when it comes to the baby voice or saying things like "My stepmom says you are a bad person!" If Mom won't correct, you are well within your rights to say "I don't want to know if stepmom is talking bad about me, please stop telling me about it." And "Please talk in a normal voice, baby talk is for babies and you are bigger and smarter than that."

Also....as a 20-something I assume childless person, are you sure you want to take all this? You don't have to put up with it.

Hey mate,

No we are all separte and my partner only communicates with the father when is required as per the agreements in place.

Yeah I am childless and new to all of this but our relationship progressed super fast. We were living together essentially from the 3rd week we were dating.

Appreciate the advice.

"No we are all separte and my

"No we are all separte and my partner only communicates with the father when is required as per the agreements in place."

That's good to hear. A lot of people on this site are put in the position of coming between enmeshed exes. It sounds like your partner (or someone anyway) had the sense to put boundaries in place before you got together. There may be hope for you guys yet. If you want there to be. There's no shame in just not wanting to live the steplife, either.

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I'm a new Step Parent, I think...