I'm a new Step Parent, I think...

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Hey everyone,

I’m looking for some advice as a new step-parent. I’m 28, my partner is 29, and she has a 7-year-old daughter. We’ve been living together for about five months now, and while communication is generally good, a few issues are coming up that I’m finding tricky to manage.

Negative Comments from Step-Mum at Dad’s House: SD is a great kid, but lately, she’s been making comments about her step-mum at her dad’s place—things like how much she “hates me” or that I’m “not her parent, so she doesn’t have to listen to me.” Apparently, her step-mum has been saying negative things about me to her. I’ve tried to address this with both SD and my partner, but it’s tough because my partner doesn’t want to stir up conflict. Has anyone dealt with this kind of situation, and if so, what helped?

Imposter Syndrome as a Step-Parent: I often feel like an outsider during family events since I’m not her biological parent. My partner is supportive but sometimes corrects me in front of SD, which makes me feel undermined. I worry this might lead SD to think she doesn’t need to listen to me. Any tips on building authority in a respectful way?

The “Baby Voice” Issue: SD sometimes uses a baby voice, which we gently discourage, but we think it might be encouraged at her dad’s place. This makes consistent messaging a challenge. Any advice on how to address behavior when co-parenting approaches differ?

Overall, adjusting to step-parenting has been tough. Sometimes I feel like I need a break, but I also don’t want to miss out on time with her. If anyone has suggestions or similar experiences, I’d appreciate your perspective. Thanks!

This is normal SP crap

That's why we get PTSD. from all of it. Kids play one parent against the other. How does your SO deal with her ex.? Talk everyday. Or not at all. ? Does your SO wants the one big happy family. Invite the ex over for joint party's. Holidays?

Hey mate,

She only communicates with him when she has too.

But he will make comments here and there and it sets her off and she has explosive adhd. Destructive but controlled.

I know that my tactics for

I know that my tactics for dealing with these things is not the coddle model norm that so many including the pseudo science professionals adopt. However, when someone is explosive they should be met with immediate and complete destruction so brutal that they would melt into an isolated corner puddle of quivering protoplasm before plying their explosive crap ever again toward me or those that are important to me.

Zero tolerance, immediate and durable age appropriate misery inducing consequences that escalate if the crap from them does not end.

Their choice. Behave and perform to reasonable age appropriate standards or live a life of such abject misery that they would do anything to avoid repeating their crap.

Though we did not know it, we raised a child with ADHD. He was Dx'd with ADHD in his late 20s. In hind sight, there were some indicators but we did not recognize them for what they were. As is the case with many who struggle with kids labeled with the alphabet soup syndromes of the moment, Video Games were his Kryptonite. He would go into slobbering mental zombie mode in the presence of any video game. So in 6th and 7th grade we purged all video games from our home and from his life with us. No game systems in our home including personal systems. The SpermClan hated that because those were their go to Christmas gifts for him. He would arrive home, he would turn over whatever zombie pill the SpermClan had given him, the Game Boys, etc.... would go in a locked closet, and given back to him just before he left to return to SpermLand for visitation.

Aside from video game zombie-ism he was well behaved, mostly followed the rules of the home and family, and fully understood how things worked in his real life. We tolerated nothingness. SpermLand visitation was such a feral, free range, free for all of dysfunction that the week before he left for SpermClan visitation and the two weeks after he returned home we did have some behavioral degradation before he left and behavioral detox when he returned. When he was in his later single digit age we adopted the zero tolerance of even that policy. Our standards applied from the moment he arrived home until the moment he stepped on the plane for SpermIdiot visitation.

At 32, our son periodically thanks us for raising him in a stable marriage, loving and caring home, and with rules requiring him to perform to his capabilities. He has written off the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and has little to zero contact with any of them. He is an only in our marriage and the eldest (#1) of 4 all out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by three baby mamas in the SpermClan. #2 is on the dole. #3 is in prison. #4 is not far behind the convict.

Set the standards and boundaries, enforce the boundaries, and tolerate no bullshit that violates those standards. This applies to BKs/SKs/Xs/ILs/etc... IMHO of course.

KISS.

It really is not complex.

Welcome to the site! OP, your

Welcome to the site! OP, your post has been updated. The child's name has been replaced with SD (Step Daughter).

Here is a list of some other abbreviations:

https://www.steptalk.org/faq#a2

Please feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns.

Cheers mate,

Welcome!

Hi, Smiley! You've come to the right place. We have all been thru it.

I wasn't clear whether or not you are married or intend to be. I'm assuming you're planning to stay. The first thing is to make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Nothing works til you're aligned.

Negative comments: there's not much you can do about what goes on in other homes but don't comment negatively about the adults. Your partner should be addressing all this. It might be a case of the girl pitting one set of parents against the other to get her way. That"s common.

Imposter Syndrome: your partner should definitely not be correcting you in front of SD, that undermines you, for sure. And, if you're both aligned, it shouldn't be necessary.

Baby voice: how annoying. Perhaps it's ok at Dads house but each time she does it, your partner should say, "I'll listen when you speak normally".

You sound like a good guy, a conscience person who wants to do well. Here's what I'd advise: be that stable, steady man in SD's life. Stay very close to your partner and stay aligned. Leave all discipline to your partner.

I'm sure the other StepTalkers will have good advice. Step-parenting can be tough but it can also build a very strong bond witj your partner. Good luck!

Appreicate the advice,

Hard one, she has been mostly a single parent so I think she finds it hard to let me take on that parenting role at times.

For her when she corrects me which is not all the time she is just using common sense after she explains it. For example, we were at a kids festival and I asked the SD and her friend to stay with me so I didn't lose them but she said that they could go run around in the grassed area. I let her know not to correct me in front of her but she explained they are hyper on sugar and want to run around and that they were still within visual range so let them play essentially instead of keeping them at my feet.

Makes sense but in my mind I just didn't want to lose them.

There is always a bullshit excuse at hand to undermine a SParent

There is always a bullshit excuse at hand to undermine a SParent. I would not tolerate that from my SO or from a SKid in my marriage. I would not tolerate it from a BK if I had any. Particularly the direct undermining by an SO in front of a SKid/BK after I made the call when the BioParent partner did not step up and get it all done before I had to. O would not do that to my SO, I would not tolerate from my SO.

I would have told BM to go supervise the kid and his friend since I was not going to be chasing her sugar-crack amped up spawn around a highly public place after I had stipulated a decision that ended risk of the kids getting lost or taken. Of course if the kid disappeared, I would be the first one looking and the last one to give uip finding the kid but I would not be the one having to watch them or the one who made the stupid decision that put them at risk.

My DW corrected me only once in the kid raising phase of our marriage. She knew damned well that a second time would bear significant consequences to the calmness of our marriage, home, and family. I made it clear. If she did not like how I parented and disciplined she could step up and get it done before I had to or bite her lip, have my back and we could discuss it in private.

That this is a not infrequent thing with your SO is alarming to me.

Take care of you.

Welcome. I hope that you find

Welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.

Your partner is a failure. They are incapable of keeping their baggage in the appropriate place. They do not respect you or have your back. Correcting in in front of a child or anyone else can never happen in a viable equity life partnership. Ever. As equity life partners you are also equity parents to any kids in your relationship regardless of who sired or is the dam to those children.

Your partner should have shut down his failed family spawn's disrespectful crap then ripped out ot the throats of her X and their new partner for the PASing bullshit. Figuratively of course. She didn't. Proving that she is a spineless, ball-less failure as a parent, and partner.

Move on.

I would never have accepted being anything less than my bride's equity life partner and an equity parent to any children in our marriage. She would not have tolerated anything less from her partner. As it turned out, SS is an only in our marriage. I am a StepDad with no BKs. DW and I met when SS-32 was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. He asked for me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen. I had her back and was side by side with her confronting the shallow and polluted end of my SS's gene pool. We raised him with standards of performance, standards of behavior, and with clear boundaries applying age appropriate consequences when necessary. We tolerated no bullshit from SS's SpermIdiot and the shit show of a SpermClan. With this model and foundation, we have made a life of adventure and love for the ages together raising a viable adult of character, honor, and standing in his life, profession, and community.

The deficit of the boat anchor of a partner you currently are wasting your life with make your best life unlikely at best and impossible at worst.

If she does not immediately and permanently step up then live your best life with her and the baggage fading into your past where it should be.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

Thanks Mate,

Nah I don't think she is a failure I think she is just struggling with letting me parent on her behalf. I will try and provide an example before and get your opinion on it if you have time.

Makes sense but in my mind I just didn't want to lose them.

I get not wanting to lose

I get not wanting to lose them. However, you cannot be all in when she is not all in. You have to hold your own value higher than you emotional attachment and fantasy has you locked into. There are some basics that I think you need to firmly address and not tolerate in an equity life partnership. If you do not assertively and effectively address the low value you have set for yourself and that your SO demonstrates for you, rather than as the equity partner that you should be, there will be a durable undertone of misery that will be very difficult for you and your SO to overcome in your partnership.

Take care of you.

As far as the negative

As far as the negative comments from bio-dad'S wife about you - how does this woman even know all that much about you? When you say you feel like an outsider at "family events" please don't tell me you are all together with your partner's ex and the stepmom. That is entirely too much togetherness. The stepmom doesn't need to know much about you aside from what anyone would need to know about anyone, which is you aren't abusing your stepkid.

Your partner is wrong to correct you in front of the child unless you are doing something that puts the child in immediate danger or being verbally abusive. Boundaries need to be in place with your partner's ex and his wife. A child can be corrected, preferably by Mom, when it comes to the baby voice or saying things like "My stepmom says you are a bad person!" If Mom won't correct, you are well within your rights to say "I don't want to know if stepmom is talking bad about me, please stop telling me about it." And "Please talk in a normal voice, baby talk is for babies and you are bigger and smarter than that."

Also....as a 20-something I assume childless person, are you sure you want to take all this? You don't have to put up with it.

Hey mate,

No we are all separte and my partner only communicates with the father when is required as per the agreements in place.

Yeah I am childless and new to all of this but our relationship progressed super fast. We were living together essentially from the 3rd week we were dating.

Appreciate the advice.

"No we are all separte and my

"No we are all separte and my partner only communicates with the father when is required as per the agreements in place."

That's good to hear. A lot of people on this site are put in the position of coming between enmeshed exes. It sounds like your partner (or someone anyway) had the sense to put boundaries in place before you got together. There may be hope for you guys yet. If you want there to be. There's no shame in just not wanting to live the steplife, either.

My bride and I have been

In two weeks my bride and I have been together since our first date 31yrs ago. I understand the passion and challenges of a strong early connection. We marred 8mos after we met. Together we raised a man of honor, character, and standing in his life, profession, and community while battling the toxic blended family opposition in his SpermClan. He is our only, and the eldest of 4 for his SpermIdiot by 3 baby mamas. Our version of your SKid's SM is the SpermGrandHag. A nasty, noxious, manipulative, PASing harpy. We have created a life of adventure and a love for the ages as true equity life partners. We had adjustments, many discussions, and some challenges but those were navigated on a foundation of mutual respect that our marriage and each other where the sole unequivocal priority for each other, SS was our top responsibility though not our relationship priority. No one and nothing would be tolerated to jeopardize us, the two of us.

I think that you could be very close to a blended marriage/family success. Value you. Do not sacrifice yourself on the alter of SParental martyrdom to your SO, SKid or your SO's X, the toxic opposition, and the baggage that your mate seems to value above you and your partnership. Guage people by their actions not their words. I have concerns about your SO's actions.

Good luck.

Take care of you.

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I'm a new Step Parent, I think...