Sooo, maybe try saying “no”?
What is it about parents who seem scared of their kids?
As long as I've been around, it's been obvious DH and BM will twist themselves in knots to avoid telling SS13 "no." DH is better about not giving in to SS on everything, but even he avoids the no. They'll discuss trying to steer SS in a certain direction or hiding something from him so he doesn't find out about it. But they never just tell him he can't do or have something.
The latest: SS's fall bowling league is almost over. DH and BM are both tired of having to get up, get ready and take him every Saturday he's at whichever house. SS has been less enthused as well. He groans about going and the times he has to miss, he doesn't show any desire to make up the game. In the spring, he will have baseball (which will be more demanding than in the past because they've upped the number of games) and track through school. DH and BM texted about how they're over bowling and DH was about to suggest to her they try to encourage him to not want to do it. Before he could, she texted that he said he wants to keep doing it.
So that's that.
It hasn't occurred to either of them to sit him down and tell him that he can't do all three sports. Or point out that he grumbles about it nearly every week. Once, a few years ago, I asked DH, "why don't you just tell him he can't do/have x?" He just looked at me like he was genuinely confused.
Whatever. I have no real interest in this because I refuse to go to the bowling alley on the one morning a week I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. But this acrobatic effort to avoid telling this kid no -- no wonder he's so spoiled and entitled.
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I don't get the people that
I don't get the people that want to tie themselves to kid's sports schedules.... When I was a kid... we participated in a few sports.. but honestly.. just some rec stuff on our military base.. and then when in HS.. the HS teams. Travel ball was not a "thing". Cheer organizations.. were not a thing... our parents might come watch a game.. but we got ourselves to practice..
I can't imagine THREE sports simultaneously.. for a kid who has issues with school grades already? seems a bit much.
I agree. But he says he wants
I agree. But he says he wants to keep doing it. That means there will be no discussion, no "look, pal, you're going to have to drop one." They'll grumble about it, but will bend over backwards to avoid upsetting him or setting a limit.
In thinking about it, I
In thinking about it, I believe a lot of this goes back to his infancy. From what DH has said, SS was difficult, even as a baby. Took forever to sleep through the night. Cried a lot. Then, as a toddler, he was very prone to tantrums. They probably got in this habit of avoiding upsetting him so they wouldn't have to deal with fits. Of course, that means SS has no clue how to process rejection or disappointment. Even once I showed up (age 5-6), he was still throwing tantrums. Physical lashing out was still happening at 10.
A couple of people who had dealings with him at a church art camp made veiled comments to me indicating he had been difficult. Even MIL said things.
I'm guessing they chose the route of appeasement. Always works so well.
I was a bit worried about my
I was a bit worried about my nephew.. because he was a kind of only child spoiled.. and it was sort of funny.
My SIL works at the school he attended.. and one of the teachers stopped to tell her what a delight her son was in her class. My SIL.. was like... are we talking about MY son.. lol.
They said that if he was going to be good somewhere.. at least in the real world it would be better for him..
My stepson was a very
My stepson was a very difficult toddler, and young child. Would throw tantrums and lash out.. Hit walls.. So his mom and dad would always cave. They didn't want to deal with the anger outbursts so they just allowed him to do whatever without limits. He was never told no either. Later in life it doesn't bode well.
That's pretty much my fear
That's pretty much my fear/concern. They're doing this kid no favors by never telling him no and just trying to hide things or avoid them. There's a lot of value in no. He's no longer a behavior problem, but he's passively allowed to get away with things. Or, if he's not allowed, there's no discussion. No confrontation. No explanation. Just adjust this and continue on. He's sneaking soft drinks into his room? We just stop buying them. Nothing said. It's all odd to me and doesn't seem helpful long term.
Yes telling them why you're
Yes telling them why you're doing a certain thing (like taking the soda away) is kind of the reinforcing event that needs to occur so they know what they are doing is wrong
You are giving me flashbacks
Chef could never ever ever say no to the 3 ferrals.
It long past time for DH to put BM in the parallel parenting box
It long past time for DH to put BM in the parallel parenting box. IMHO of course.
KISS.
Things were incredibly simpler in prior gens. No was a complete answer, a complete sentence, and even a complete conversation.
Take a look at Gen X Talks on YouTube. A teen does short interviews/talks with his Gen X dad who is direct, no BS, and brings a ton of wisdom to the topics of parenting, family, etc... Dad and mom, who is interviewed only rarely, have a close relationship and seem to parent exceptionally well.
No. Is one of the most critical lessons a kid and when necessary an X need to hear.
IMHO of course.
I agree. No is an important
I agree. No is an important word/lesson and parents do their kids no favors by shielding them from it. Frustrating to watch.
I didn't hear no very often from my parents. But I was a good kid (perfect grades, excellent behavior) and I was smart enough to only ask for things I really, really wanted and keep it to rare occasions. But I definitely heard no from time to time, was used to it and accepted it. I think I'm the better for it.
Todays kids don’t leave the home
Parents want there kids to experience team work, what a team mate is. Sports has became the cure all for the worlds ills ..
'''Do Sports not Drugs'''. '' our child will meet a better group of friends in sports ''. and on and on. With both parents working. School sports keeeps the kids after school for an additional two hours. Less time to find ''trouble''' That's why sports is big. Then '''everyone is doing it'''. Everyone ''good'' is involved in sports.. ''if they don't plat sports what are they going to do''
There is a big group of parents where being involved in there kids sports team. Mostly traveling teams. This is a big social event. For them. Going away to play a game, You are with the same group of parents, where they drink.. talk ,,play games. The parents enjoy it more then the kids
Hopefully the kids on the teams are well parented.
Who wants their own kid around kids with crap parents.
My SS or SD has never been
My SS or SD has never been told no either. If you read my posts SS is in three sports along with a travel team and private lessons. He was not supposed to play basketball this year and both bios agreed. SS cried to BM because he didn't make varsity just JV and she went behind SO back and signed him up for rec basketball. I can't comprehend it at all. My SO gets tired of it all, he wants it to end but can't make any of it stop because him and BM are no on the same page. Even though he swears she hates all of the sports too. But I know that this is all he has with SS so there has to be a part of him that is glad he is doing all of this. I do always hear that isn't it better he does sports and is not playing video games or goofing around. Sure it is better then that but he does not know what family is because all he does it sports. And those sports take a toll on everyone. Time and money wise. The word should be no at some point but it will never happen.
Crapy parents
Who don't think of themselves as crapie parents. Who think crapie parenting is normal. That's why we are where we are today.
No...
...and the ability to handle being told "no" is neccessary for development if children are going to grow up to be productive adults.
OSD35 is a great example of a person who has not really been told "no", until recently, and it hasn't served her well. Nor has it served her family or those who are in her orbit well. She is out of control. I honestly think there is no 'fixing' her.
At 13, it is not tool late.