Boy did things just take a BIG turn
Evidently SD called H and invited him to Christmas dinner at 12 noon on Christmas Day. She wants us to come over to help them finish up the ham they are having on Christmas Eve, her husband's sister is coming over for Christmas Eve. Okay, but why noon, you ask. Well, they want to get us in and out so they can play with all their new toys etc. Not quite the way she put it, bt you get the drift.
H told her we are late risers and only have breakfast at about 10 so that is way to early for us. Okay she said, and that was that. Nothing about maybe later, or stop by.
All of a sudden it hit the fan with H. I don't like his daughter and she LOVES me. Why, because when she called she asked about me. I am trying to make him hate his daughter, and on and on.
Now none of you really know me, but I can honesty say that his daughter scares the begesus out of me, truely. Something is just, well, off. She is mercurical, nice one minute and totally changes the next.
H did tell me that when she was growing up she would get upset and start crying if she wasn't getting her way. He talked about the family playing Monopoly and that when someone bought a house, and she didn't have one, she would cry and quite. Obviously not much has changed.
She has a vicious mouth about people. Everyone is a loser, less than, has problems except she and her hubby and adult boys. When I say vicious, I mean vicious. I have never been one for gossip and have always helt the opinion that if someone tears someone down in front of you, they will do the same to you when you are not around. H, he just lets it go and lets her talk.
Right now I am in tears and totally upset.
What I really think is going on is that I am catching the brunt because she didn't set it back or tell us to drop by later etc. Noon was cut and dry. By the way, she knows we are late risers and eat breakfast late due to meds that require you to wait 1 hour before eating.
leftovers?
Oh goody! An invitation to finish the leftovers and clear out the refrigerator.
DH was the one who decided to tell her the time didn't work for him. Why is he mad at you?
To me, it sounds as if he really didn't want to go. If he did, he would have wanted to get up earlier to go.
Interesting that you mention leftovers
because that was exactly what he said when he got off the phone with her. Then it goes downhill about me. Heck, I had nothing at all to do with the offer, his answer itself, anything.
Let him go over there at noon
Let him go over there at noon for the crusty dried up leftovers. Let him go, shut down his argument. There is no reason you need to keep all the projected BS to yourself. It's not yours in the first place. DH can't handle SD's treatment of him so he picked a fight with you and you ended up in tears because you let him.
This is NOT your battle and as such you need to put it back onto DH. Get the book Boundaries by Coud and Townsend. It will make it clear to you and show you how to handle this situation.
When we are used as
When we are used as scapegoats for the situations with the failed step-spawn, one of the best things to do, imho, is to let our DH's experience their little lovely darlings all by themselves, without using us as a buffer. My DH admitted early on that his skids (esp SD) treated me like crap . . . there just wasn't any denying it, but he later tried to convince me that maybe she liked me but had to act like she didn't like me because of mommy pressure. lol. I stayed clear of SD especially, and whenever there was poor behavior on her part, I put it in front of DH's face.
Make whatever excuses are necessary to avoid interactions with his spawn. Like Surviving said, let him go over there alone and eat the dried up leftover ham (what an invite! yum! lol! do they have any leftover mashed potatoes, too, that were left out uncovered on the counter overnight?). Let him feel the full brunt of this toxic troll. Maybe that will open his eyes. Or tell him to go F himself.
How can you step back from this to protect yourself? (hugs)
This "daughter" is either
This "daughter" is either middle aged or geriatric, yes? Is it possible your DH has early dementia? Because there is no way you are responsible for his relationship with his own daughter. Don't entertain that foolishness.
This SD is about 58. Have
This SD is about 58. Have you ever found yourself around someone that, for what seems no obvious reason, makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up? This SD fit the bill. One gets the feeling that she is carefully watching, waiting and soaking up something to use against you. Very uncomfortable, like a preditor.
As I said before when she started with me out our wills, her concern was NOT about US, helping us in our years etc., it was making sure she was in charge so things "could be handled properly". All about her and what she could get. She wanted H to make her executor so she could take the responsibility of things as I probably could not handle it!! Note she hit him with this at the time he was in the ER having tests because of his heart problems. The man was scared, any one would be at such time. She looks for opportunities like that.
I am getting whiplash. One minute he is saying she is greedy and the next it is my fault and I am being greedy.
He can either hang out with
He can either hang out with her by himself or not. Sounds like he didn't want to go.
I agree
he didn't want to go. In fact he said something about leftover ham after he got off the phone.
If DH didn’t want to miss breakfast
And go over at noon for leftovers. Why is it your fault. You woukd be happy [belch] to eat leftover, what other people didn't want [ double batch ]. You are a team player. What's a good stomach pumping between family
How enticing an offer (not)
yeah, leftovers. Sign me up!
Dont take this on, he is lashing out at you because he knows shes being horrible.
Stop tolerating your dumbass DH's idiocy.
Call him on it each and every time when he tries to gaslight you as the problem rather than his rancid crotch product who is the actual problem that HE created.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Zero tolerance for his crap and less than zero for her crap. No more tears. Grab a handful of lady balls and rip their spines out of their toxic carcasses over, and over, and over again until they catch a clue or you are able to purge their shallow and polluted gene pool from your life.
You owe yourself to live your best life and if that means dragging them both kicking and screaming into a state of decency so be it. If they are beyond salvage, then good riddance and get on with getting on with your best life.
All IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
Does your SD really believe
Does your SD really believe that anyone should be so Grateful to her invitation to eat some day old leftovers that were sitting out for god knows how long...and maybe werent totally untouched I feel queasy thinking about it. Gee, sounds like a offer someone must be a fool to turn down. How thoughtful to introduce possible illness. Not. ( Barf!)
I have been adoptiong @MorningMia's strategy in just letting DH to feel free to have the full experience with the SD30 and the minions all his own without me as a buffer. I agree that is really is the Best thing to do. I did so last year, Christmas being no expection, I noticed that he didnt stay long without me saying anything. He is free to do whatever he wants, and this way no one can say with any authority that I am keeping him from seeing them.
I dont even know if he made his way over there to spend time with that crew this week or going to. I just stopped asking altogether. Nor did I ask what he got them or if he needed any help. Nope. I have done that for years, without much grattitude from the Spawns, so its all on him now too.
So, I say feel free to Let DH go to your SD's to try to force down some cruddy, nasty ass leftover Ham if its that important to him. Id respectfully sit that one out.
You are right
Note several things - invites us for leftovers since she is hosting her hubby's sister for dinner on Christmas Eve.
Noon for Christmas dinner?. Now, left overs are NOT Christmas dinner by any means AND noon is not a normal time for a Christmas dinner. H. even said that he considers Christmas dinner to be around 3-5 p.m. This invite was just a think to show she cares - you know get us in and get us out before actual Christmas dinner. No one goes from noon on without having a later meal.
I pointed out to him that IF she really wanted him she would have set back the time for whatever you want to call it to accommodate us. This was simply a case of wanting to see if we would jump through her hoops.
Today is Christmas eve. I was wrong. We aren't receiving any canned cookies this year either.
There is nothing in it for her to actually be, well, like a family.
What is stuck in her craw is that she can't get into the wills. THAT is what she is upset about. Thus she will continue to get meaner and meaner. I've seen this behavior from her before. It can get scarey.
Next up will be to call him in a few weeks and cry about how I am at fault etc. Heck, she is not even original.
FWIW, he can go over there any time. I'm not stopping him and he knows that.
For God's sake, its like some
For God's sake, its like some of these people are just convinced that we carry DH's balls in our purses and that they have no free will. Which isnt true. DH can very welll spend time with his spawns since I am not stopping them. If anyone has that impression , then they really have missed that mark. It is ridiculous to think that I dont understand that they are all adults now and are more than capable of managing these things that dont have to have anything to do with me. If my feelings and disengaging from SD30 is being used as some cop out or excuse to avoid navigating those relationships, then thats on someone else and is not my doing.
And you are correct thinking that if SD was really interested in you guys visiting, then she would have made more of an effort to be more accomodating. Instead, of literally offering him some leftover scraps, meanwhile, sounds like she is pulling out all the stops for other relatives, which is BS.