Skids as BM’s soldiers—Cutting off the head of the snake and finding peace
Initially, BM came on way too strong with me, acting like we’d be sister wives or something. It was creepy—she had no boundaries. She tried to rope me into keeping secrets from DH, as if my loyalty would be to her, not him. I had recognized for some time that she was about control and manipulation, but had no idea what was coming once we married.
I am by nature one of the most unjealous (is that a word?), laid back people, which some people misinterpret as passive and boundary-less. I of course expected DH and BM to communicate--they were parents--although I knew BM was a drama queen. But I was not going to be sister-wife and BFF with the manipulator. I was not rude. I simply did not play. I remained civil, if not friendly.
Once BM saw that I wasn’t going to play, she changed tactics. I suddenly did not exist. She heavily zeroed in on DH. The usual (somewhat annoying attention-seeking) calls ramped up — at his work, on his cell, many evenings at dinner time, and on Friday evenings. As we were leaving for a weekend getaway was always a popular time for a call about a fake crisis. Even though DH asked her (and the skids) to use our home phone, they did not. I had to be invisible.
Which might have been fine except the bs was relentless. Constant made-up crises and, finally, full blown PAS; the skids withdrew from DH 6 months into our marriage with SD not speaking to him at all. Our "sin" was getting married. My sin was not allowing BM to lead me around through a ring in my nose.
As I've mentioned in here before, two years in I was ready to file for divorce. DH and I separated. That's when he found a therapist--a psychologist who saw us for marriage counseling. This guy was onto BM immediately. He pointed out, “It sounds like BM still thinks she’s still married to you [DH], like she'd like to sleep between the two of you in your bed," (hurl) He added something else that stuck with us: “She’s holding your daughter hostage. Do what she wants and she'll release her." (And he gave DH ideas on how to deal with this.)
He gave us a strategy to deal with all of this. For one, BM had to communicate with both of us (and only via email). Reasoning: With me as a witness, she’d be less likely to pull her usual tactics. And as an “outside observer,” I could spot the manipulation immediately and call it out. BM resisted. She kept trying to call DH "privately," and he wouldn't pick up. She’d send emotional, baiting messages designed to make him react. But by sticking to the email rule, we disarmed her ability to manipulate.
BM didn’t take this change lightly. lol. When she realized she no longer had exclusive access to manipulate DH, she lost it. She decided she was going to "confront" me, and quickly learned that I was not the type of person who would roll over. That made me the devil. But she backed the hell off.
Since that time, the skids apparently recognized that we weren't playing the bs game. Our marriage mattered. BM contacted DH maybe 4 times again over a period of several years. It wasn't as easy with the skids. They were and will always be to some degree her soldiers in her crazy little army. That is for DH to deal with (they are adults), as I'm out.
For us to find peace and nourish our marriage, we had to cut the head off the snake. We knew there would be repercussions (yes, we dealt with skid bs) but things were so bad that we recognized they couldn't get much worse.
I don't like reliving those old days but thought the experience might be worth sharing.
- MorningMia's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
The Same Playbook
I can definitely relate to your post. When we first got married, BM acted like she wanted to be my “friend,” but once she realized that wasn’t going to work in her favor, she started acting like I didn’t exist.
Recently, BM had a heated text exchange with MIL. When MIL showed us their conversation, one line really stood out:
“We—me [BM], OSD, and YSD—are the three people who love DH... THE MOST, and he pushed us away. DH will never have another long-term relationship.”
The irony is unreal. She’s the one who divorced DH and actively alienated the girls against him.
Honestly, I wonder if she’s projecting—again—because she’s the one who hasn’t managed to keep a long-term relationship since DH. But I digress.
Your post gives me comfort. Your therapist is tops! Saved your marriage.
It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone—it seems like all these toxic BMs use the same playbook.
Rewriting history and
Rewriting history and projection both seem to come straight from the playbook as well. I've said on here before that DH through the years has always been accused of "abandoning" the family. Just a few years ago, BM and SD had the utter audacity to be "interviewed" online (religious video) about their mushy mushy enmeshed wonderful mommy-daughter relationship (hurl again). It was chilling to watch grown SD looking at her mother with her chin down and eyes widened, looking up at her mother like an obedient puppy dog wanting to please. Publicly online they used phrases like, "When her father left" and "After my father left" as if that was the point when their lives went to hell and they had to repair everything.
Facts say otherwise: BM cheated and threw DH out of the house. Just weeks later, she took the kids and moved out of state with her married boyfriend. DH moved to a different state at that time. BM and boyfriend didn't work out (big surprise), so she moved back home and EXPECTED DH to be there waiting for them. He then lived 3 hours away; BM eventually moved 8+ hours away and told DH that he should follow them to be near the kids. She also suggested to him more than once that they "reconcile." Because he didn't do what she wanted, the abandonment myth took off. That damn myth has followed him for years. He has ALWAYS countered it with reality but his truth never stuck: DH abandoned the family.
Careful about the lies you tell because they might become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Did We Marry the Same Man?
Our BM followed the same tired script.
The last three years of her marriage to DH, she suddenly needed girls' nights out—hitting up bars, needing to get away from the burdens of married life. And wouldn’t you know it? Every night out led to some eager guy offering to teach her and her friends pool. She’d come home all starry-eyed, telling DH, "This guy said if I weren’t married to you… he’d wife me up!" Like that was something to brag about.
Fast forward to the day she actually handed DH the divorce papers. He was devastated, blindsided, barely holding it together. In a raw, vulnerable moment, he asked her, "You’ll find someone else, won’t you?"
BM, ever the narcissist, lifted her chin, smirked, and sniffed, "I know, DH. I will."
Is that so, BM?
Turns out, the wife-her-upper she had lined up—her little barroom affair partner—wasn’t exactly husband material. After she dumped DH, her shiny new man had his fun, ran through the usual smash-and-dash routine, and then? Poof. Vanished. Ghosted her so fast you’d think he was part of a magician’s act.
Meanwhile, DH moved on, met me, and we got married. BM? Oh, she wasn’t having that.
Once she realized DH wasn’t interested in being trapped in a dis-marriage with her—wasn’t playing her games anymore—she cranked up the abandonment narrative with her flying monkeys, the Skids.. Suddenly, DH was the villain, the bad father who abandoned his family.
Funny how that works, huh?
Different BM, same playbook.
*shok*. That's all I've got.
*shok*. That's all I've got. Wow.
This woman sounds like a
This woman sounds like a rotten, putrid piece of work!
Hey, Mia,
Hey, Mia,
It sounds like your therapist has taken some ideas from the excellent book by Dr. Tara Palmatier and Paul Elam; 'Say Goodbye to Crazy; How to Rid Yourself of That Crazy Ex and Restore Sanity to Your Life'.
As far as I'm concerned, the book is required reading for any blended family where the man has a high-conflict, golden uterus, ex-wife.
Sounds like an excellent book
Sounds like an excellent book! This therapist (this was a long time ago) also was the first person who said, "Your marriage comes first" (back then even I was thinking that kids came first). He really helped both of us shift our way of thinking.
Check it out, Mia
Mia, here are a few excerpts from the 'Say Goodbye to Crazy' book. Sound familiar?
Crazy doesn’t bargain; Crazy gets revenge. This is where Crazy formulates a plan to get even with the person she is losing and/or pushing away. You see, even if Crazy is the one who initiated the break-up, it is still perceived as an abandonment (we know, we know—it’s crazy). Crazy will typically embark upon a scorched-earth policy in all divorce, custody and personal matters, up to and including harming herself and the children (e.g., financially, socially, emotionally and even physically) in order to make her ex pay. Crazy will bite her nose off (and everyone else’s) to spite her face.
Crazy doesn’t grieve. Crazy just gets crazier, angrier, needier, more malicious, more prone to crazy accusations and, in especially toxic cases, makes false allegations of abuse to law enforcement. By this point, Crazy has figured out that with her easy use of the female-biased family courts and her position as the Golden Uterus (i.e., the sacrosanct “mother of the children”), she can wield almost limitless destructive power over her victim and anyone who is close to him. Sound familiar? Crazy knows she can hurt you and does not hesitate to do so.
Crazy doesn’t accept . . . anything, not even court orders, settlements and custody arrangements that she agreed to and signed on the dotted line. Crazy reserves the right to change her mind, even when there are binding legal documents and admonishments from a judge. The rules are for everyone else; Crazy is too “special” to abide by the laws that lesser, saner and more ethical people are compelled to follow.”
Was there an image of "our"
Was there an image of "our" BM on that page? Whoa.
Letting Go and Moving On
Grannyd wrote: As far as I'm concerned, the book is required reading for any blended family where the man has a high-conflict, golden uterus, ex-wife.
I say, AMEN to that!
In the early years of our marriage, I researched everything. I read, I studied, I searched for answers. That’s when I found Paul Elam and Dr. Tara from Shrink4Men. Paul? Hilarious in a blunt, tell-it-like-it-is way. DH, on the other hand, dismissed him. "He’s just an angry man," he’d say. I’d roll my eyes. DH didn’t get it.
Then came the book—the one that wasn’t so much self-help as it was a crystal ball. I read it cover to cover, watching reality unfold exactly as it predicted. DH, forever the optimist, preferred to keep his head buried in the sand rather than face the storm brewing in plain sight.
Paul’s best advice? PAS happens. And when it does, understand that estrangement is inevitable. Accept it, and stop chasing something you can’t fix.
DH thought Paul was mean for saying that. DH thought his crotch droppings loved him too much for that to happen.
I saw things differently.
Fast forward to today—DH has finally accepted the truth. He’s at peace with the estrangement because he’s learned the hardest lesson of all: some things are simply beyond his control.
And in the end? Paul was right about something else, too. The best revenge is living well. We said goodbye to crazy—and started living our best lives after the trash took itself out.
Good for your family
DH had to realize what divorce and a new relationship really ment. His loyalty was with the new family. If BM wanted to turn her kids against there father. There's little you can do.
That's so painfully true!
There's little you can do!
The playbook is clear. Addressing it requires commitment to fact
I escaped my first marriage physical baggage free. The emitional baggage and recovery took time. I too had an incredible therapist. Doc was also our marriage therapist for 6mos until my XW walked out of the final couples session proclaiming that she did not have a problem with sex. Doc had led us through a ton of work on our individual family relationships, our relationship together, and maping paths forward. So when XW walked Doc was already fully aware of my marital relationship, history, and where I was. A truly good therapist is worth their weight in Gold. Sadly there are not many of them IMHO. I am blessed to have had Doc in my corner at that time. 5mos after XW walked out of session, Doc fired me by telling me that if anyone had told her the dynamic, energetice your man with a childlike zest for life was the same sullen, worn out, beaten middle aged man who had first come to her 10mos before she would have called them crazy. She then told me I could continue attending therapy sessions
or I could get out and live my life. That incredible treasure of a lady is one of my life's greatest blessings.
SpermGrandHag had the handbook but lacked the basic gray matter ability to recognize that demonizing their blended family opposition when the Hag was never a factor in the CO. After 16+ years of her antics and insanity, she ultimately retreated. When SS-32 shared with the Hag that he had asked me to adopt him, that adoption was final and he now carried our family name, the Hag congratulated him and shared that she was happy that he had been raised by a good man and that she wished his younger sibs had that opportunity.
She was so committed to the toxic playbook for the 16+ CO years and a few years beyond, and destroying my DW that she missed a relationship with her eldest GK, and actually effectively raising his three younger half sibs by two other baby mamas. One on the dole, one in prison, and the last not far behind the inmate.
Blended family couples can encapsulate and beat the toxic with the facts, force feed the SKids with the facts, and minimize the toxicity by the evil holder of the playbook. Though as mentioned above, living well is the best revenge. More so when the kids are beyond salvage by the toxic play caller. They have to see the quality parent and their mate living well, while the toxic low quality parent suffers, does not go on to a happy life. Those lessons need to be front and center for the kids who are the focus of the toxic X playbook. Good or bad. They need to see the good loving well, and the bad, living ugly. To steal a Clint Eastwood-ism.
Our kid for the most part chose to live well and as an adult of honor minimizing the toxicity from the holder of the playbook. Though it does still break his heart that that side has not earned his respect. Loving people you do not respect has to be a challenge.