She's back....
OSD...or she's trying at least.
DH had blocked her 4 or so months ago, after 2 years of abusive behavior. It was over the top towards me and to a much smaller degree towards DH. It hurt my heart to read/hear her words to him; the foul name calling, the lies, etc. DH did not even realize it was abuse; I believe it started slowly and ramped up in frequency and severity over time. It started at 10 and by the time it was to 100, I believe he was desinsitized to it. I had to point it out, "This is abuse. It is not okay. You do not deserve this." I'm getting off track.... DH had told her many times that she needed to repair the damage she had caused. It fell on deaf ears and would, in fact, incite more name calling and lies towards me plus verbal abuse towards her dad. After telling her one last time to repair the damage, she refused, and he blocked her on all fronts. It was not easy for him to do. I do understand that no matter how vile her behavior, it is his daughter. As for me, we have no bond so it was easy to set a boundary and say, "No". I simply will not accept her nonsense in my life. She makes my skin crawl.
I received a text from OSD. She apologized for "A"...kind of, anyway. There was a 'but' which indicated an excuse was coming. It did. An apology with an excuse is not an apology. An apology involves acknowledgment of the offense, assuming responsibility for the offense, acknowledging the impact of the offense on the person you wronged, and saying "I'm sorry". Changed behavior will follow if it is a genuine apology. It wasn't genuine at all. She told me how it affected her. She told me how it affected her family. She was not interested in how it affected me or her dad. It was a pathetic attempt to get what she wants...access to her dad. She has had almost 2 1/2 years to make things right. Her so-called apology was a means to an end. It had nothing to do with me. Also there is the issue of "B - Z" that she did not even mention. That is where she added insult to injury with all the lies she told about me. She portrays herself as the victim. As I said, she makes my skin crawl.
For some odd reason, she thinks I tell her dad what to do. Thank goodness he is autonomous, I have no desire to be with someone who can not think for himself. He made the decision to block her because of her behavior. Can she not understand that her pathetic attempt at an apology is transparent? It was a self-serving act, nothing more.
Keep putting her coffin together with boards she provides.
Good riddance to the demise of her presence in your life, DH's life, and in your marriage.
Sometimes, writing off a toxic kid is what is best for everyone, including the kid.
Enjoy the absence of toxic in your life.
Take care of you.
If only...
...I really could write her off. I feel like I will never be truly free of her. She is like an ominous black cloud, threatening destruction. I was discussing her with a friend and she used the word 'evil'. Yes, she defintely is evil. I have never in my life experienced someone with her degree of dysfunction, lack of conscience, or so much hate in their heart. At the beginning, I truly did want to love her. In my heart, I know that because of her behavior that will never happen. Nor do I think I could ever muster up 'like'. I will shoot for cordial tolerance when/if I must be in her presence.
Thank you for your support. We have enjoyed the absence of toxic in our lives. It has been bliss. Like I mentioned though, ominous black cloud.... I need to put thoughts of her aside and focus on the many blessings in my life instead.
Certain things / actions
You just can't Apologize for. This ranks up there. Years of mental abuse, doesn't go away with a I,m sorry .
SD has to work on it . She needs to take a second step, She expects, her '''im sorry'''will make thing go back to the way there were. W
Yes!
You are right, Harry, a half-baked apoplogy is worthless. I asked some simple questions and with each one she dug herself a deeper hole. The apology had nothing to do with me. She mentioned she doesn't like living this way; well, she did this to herself. She mentioned how it affected her family. Never once did she mention how it affected me or her dad. It was a ploy to get into her dad's good graces. Not surprisingly, her focus was mostly me, me, me. I really did not expect anything different, but I was fair and gave her a chance to explain. I think that is more than she deserved.
"An apology with an excuse is
"An apology with an excuse is not an apology"
I defnitely understand what from being on the so called receiving end from some fake, half assed apologies from SD30 over the years. Then wonders why I am wary of her. Always got to find a way to skirt around it by offering up some Bullshit justification, but I have been at the point when Im not even interested in whether or not I get anything thats sincere...I will never trust it.
How can I be expected to trust her when I get hit with this kind of line she fed me like " I'm sorry that XYZ.( insert literally anyone or anything else besides SD here) make me and her Daddy fight!" I thought that was classic! Coming from a woman whose behavior actually HAS directly caused her and daddyyyyyy problems instead of whomever she decides to accuse.
Please ..remind me again why we are not close and why I take the whole "she is trying" line with a grain of salt. IF that! Its like our SD's simply don't understand that they have literally driven us to the point of us SM's feeling that we would rather not be bothered with them at all. On ANY level, "family" relationships included !
There is only so much one can take. However, In their very narrow minded views, SM's have this ethical, irrevokable duty to tolerate their shit and be grateful without question..as if we are always going to be around to take it.
Thank you.
You are right, Amy, 'buts' or 'excuses' do not an apology make! I, too, have heard the "she is trying" although not like I used to. DH has seen the light and I know it hurts him. Although I am not responsible, I am sorry his child brings him pain.
What is it with SM's duties that you mentioned? I understand you not wanting to be bothered! What do you think the percentage is of SMs who feel this way? I'm actually curious! I am done....actually overdone.
YSD26 gave me a half-assed
YSD26 gave me a half-assed apology last summer for bossing me around while I was in the middle of working from home. Her utter cluelessness to how inconvenient it is to have her in our home stirring up drama while I am trying to work, and how ungrateful she is for our hospitality, it was just too much.
With zero emotion I flat out said, "Thank-you for apologizing." At which point YSD just stood there waiting for me to apologize back to her as well? (I'm guessing at BM's house everything has to be "equal" and no one ever takes authentic ownership of their own action and behavior.)
When no apology was forth coming her mouth went agap like a trout. She was PISSED. Lol I just stared her down until she walked away.
Well done.
Making rude idiots feel good with empty words is a waste of breath. Let her simmer in her own effluent and relish in how well you dealt with her crap.
Tit for tat....
Good for you, Elea! I truly wish I could have been a fly on the wall!
The Non-apology Apology
Ill raise you one with I got from Feral Forger an apology where it was a whole diatribe list of "Im sorry...not sorry" s ending with a screen capture showing my contact information under the name of "B!tch".
Yeah, FF makes my skin crawl and shes got some evil elements hidden under the crust of victimhood. Like your SD, its a manipulation. A clumsy one, but it might win over your DH and he was the target all along, not you.
Hopefully not...
Wow!
That, too, is truly evil behavior! How does one come back from that? Or even want to come back from that?
It was a manipulation for sure! She never has confessed to her dirty deeds, but she made sure that DH got a screenshot of her text to me...since she is blocked, no direct access. I found it 'interesting' that now she makes her phony amends she is showing her communication to others. Previously, she had been very cunning to make sure no one else saw her abusive communications...but now, "Look at me! See what I've done?"
As for DH, I do help him to decipher the 'meaning' of her communications. He doesn't see it as readily as I do, but he does 'see' it when I point it out.
Yes, your SD wants an opening
Yes, your SD wants an opening to your DH . . . for a reason.
I hadn't seen my SD for 7 glorious years (and, yes, they think I control DH, too) when she wanted to schedule a "reconciliation" visit. So, she visited--had to bring her brother along for moral support--got drunk and "explained" what had happened. I think there was an apology. She ended with how she wanted to wipe the slate clean and "move forward" with us.
When she left, I asked DH if SD had a new boyfriend. Yes. I said, "She's planning on getting married." Suddenly, the purpose of the performance was clear.
A few months later, SD announced her engagement. A few months after that, she asked DH to cough up the money. He didn't. I was so proud of him. He paid for her dress--that was it--saying that he had not been "allowed" to be her father. . . why would he dish out thousands on a big wedding? Which was probably another reason we were treated like lepers at the event. lol.
Yes!
"Move forward"...that's one OSD uses too! How does one 'move forward' when one has not been heard and has received only a half-baked apology based not on the person who was wronged, but the person who was in the wrong? No self-awareness and no accountability, just a desire to get what she wants. Just ignore all that she has done and continued to do until she was blocked? (I would go out on a limb and say there was plenty more after she was blocked...we just didn't hear it.) Thank you, but no.
Mia, how did you 'know' about the boyfriend and impending marriage? Gut instinct? Or had she pulled similar nonsense before?
It is satisfying that your DH did not cough up the money! Buying her dress was more than generous.... As for being treated poorly publicly at the event, I would be done. Overdone.
Probably a mix of gut
Probably a mix of gut instinct and experience. She did not speak to DH her last two years of high school. I told him, "Just wait. She's going to need money for college AND child support will be ending. You'll hear from her." *ding* *ding* *ding*
Back then, he fell for it.
DH wanted to walk out of the wedding for many reasons. One, the wedding coordinator told me to wait far away and OUTSIDE in the cold (and I mean cold!) while photos were taken of SD making her "first look" entrance for DH with her wedding gown on. DH almost lost his shit. He said, "My wife isn't going ANYWHERE!" You should have seen the look on SD's face when she came out of the building and expected me not to be there. It was both very disturbing (like she had seen Satan himself--me) and priceless.
Next--around the time the photo was taken that I refer to in my post today--DH thought, of course, that he was walking SD down the aisle. . .alone. OH NO. Cannot have that! There, the wicked witch of the west shows up on SD's other arm. DH told me he wanted to walk . . . out. I said, no--that will fulfill the monster story they have told everyone about you/us. You will forever be the person who "ruined SD's wedding." We did leave the reception early. In hindsight, I should have gone along with him and left before the ceremony. That might have made them cut off from him/us forever.
I was done. But then a baby came. And dummy me sent a gift. It was the behavior following that that did me in.
?
I think you may be on to something with leaving the wedding when your husband suggested. Unfortunately hindsight is 20/20.
Are you able to share what happened after the baby?
I received an e-invite to the
I received an e-invite to the baby shower (they knew I wouldn't go). I had fun shopping for the baby. "Temporary insanity." I love that kind of stuff. So, I shipped the packages to SD and heard nothing. After the shower, in usual fashion, an excessive number of photos were posted on Facebook. Someone (BM) had arranged all the gifts together for photos. Of course, I scanned the photos and saw that my gifts were not included (just as my photo had been edited out of all but one of the wedding photos--DH refused to order/buy any of them). I tried to consider that perhaps my gifts had been placed behind other gifts, so I was looking at the angles of the photos. Nope. They were not there, even though someone's Amazon package was fully visible. That was the moment I finally accepted that SD was full of it, that the games would be never ending, and I was so despised that there would never be any hint of any relationship with SD. Their reaching out had only been for cash and gift grabs. . .and for them to tell themselves that they were good Christians. I ignored the next invites/baby shower gift grabs and didn't receive one for the last one she popped out.
That was it for me and SD until DH's 2023 health crisis, which sealed it for good. I don't know her kids. I don't sign gift cards. I don't see any of them and they are not allowed here.
This is exactly why you smack the toxic in the face with their
toxic facts. Over, and over, and over again. No quarter, tolerate nothing, and if it takes smacking the partner in the marriage that brought the toxic failed family spawn with them in the face with the same facts then so be it. The same no quarter, tolerate nothing, and rub the SKids toxic behavior in mommy or daddy's face.
Tolerating this kind of crap is ludicrous. The more it is tolerated, the more destructive it becomes. The earlier it is nipped in the bud, the better it is for everyone including the toxic spawn and the source parents that perpetrate it.
Yes!
You are so right, Rags! The longer the nonsense goes unchecked and tolerated, the more destructive it becomes. I think OSD issues started with puberty...so over 20 years. Why could no one see she gives nonsense because she gets by with nonsense? It has gone far beyond nonsense....
She has no friends, she has never had a successful romantic relationship, and relationships with family are based (for most people) on tolerance. I don't believe she has it in her to turn things around, because she is unable to be honest with herself. If you Google Cluster B, most all of it describes her to a 'T'. I do not understand why her family fails to see she needs boundaries and accountability? Do they not want the best for her? I believe they are taking the easy way out by pretending all is well....