Boundary guilt. Did some reading on this today.
I would surmise that not an insignificant % of SParents suffer from this. For me, I struggled with it when I was much younger. It was when I was a younger man in my 20s that I got past it. It took a long time for me to get to the point where I quit beating myself up trying to please everyone but myself. When I shifted my perspective stress became a significantly smaller part of my life.
Here is a synopsis of Boundary Guilt.
Is this a thing?
"Boundary guilt" refers to the feeling of guilt or discomfort that arises when someone sets a personal boundary, often stemming from a fear of disappointing others, being perceived as selfish, or not being "nice enough" by prioritizing their own needs over others' requests.
Key points about boundary guilt:
Common experience:
Many people experience some degree of guilt when setting boundaries, especially if they are not accustomed to doing so or grew up in an environment where boundaries were not respected.
Underlying reasons:
People-pleasing tendencies: A strong desire to please others can lead to feeling guilty when saying "no" or setting limits.
Fear of conflict: Worrying about upsetting someone or causing conflict when enforcing a boundary can trigger guilt.
Internalized beliefs: Some people might believe that setting boundaries is inherently selfish or inconsiderate.
How to manage boundary guilt:
Recognize the value of boundaries: Understand that setting boundaries is necessary for self-care and healthy relationships.
Communicate clearly: Be assertive and clearly explain your boundaries to others, while remaining respectful.
Challenge negative self-talk: Identify and challenge thoughts that contribute to guilt, like "I should always be available" or "I'm a bad person for saying no".
Self-compassion: Acknowledge that it's normal to feel some discomfort when setting boundaries and be kind to yourself.
I had boundary guilt when I
I had boundary guilt when I was younger. Things changed when I hit 50; woke up and decided that "I am no longer available for things that make me feel like sh!t."
And while there are events that I have to attend, I am physically present but emotionally unavailable.
fear of disappointing others
that is me. Honestly, I feel like I am finally letting go of trying to please all the SFamilies themselves but 100% worried ab our marriage bc H certainly will never excercise boundaries. I do have fears of disappointing him. Only in this realm. It is absolutely the only topic of our blowout fights. BTW we will be seeing a marriage counselor starting next week. Between SGK and adult SK there are 21 and they are full of demands. Some of the GK i adore. Some not so much. My H sees his kids as witty, smart and committed. He sees his GK as a way to impress their parents, mostly through gatherings and things that I've planned and provided. i.e. they are his Friends. I hang with the lil ones after getting everyone fed and so forth. His kids wouldn't be my choice as Friends.
I just found this site and boy do I wish I had found it two days ago. I'm already learning by the volume of validity on here about the disengaging process. I'll admit that I stirred up drama about hurt holiday feelings that I should have just let go. They are not deserving of my endless efforts to please them bc of the way they treat me. H lets them gang up on me, seriously talk behind our backs, etc. They are a ruthless bunch. I get so hurt and he knows it. Maybe I get hurt feelings bc I care. H says that I have to admit they are pretty canny and thinks their messing with me is funny.
An easy path of improvement. Just stop!
"mostly through gatherings and things that I've planned and provided"
Do not keep exposing your tender bits to the abusers who mistreat you. Just stop it. Do not tolerate their crap either.
What is the risk? The loss of a marriage to the asshole that serves you up as a sacrifice to his toxic multigenerations of crotch product. No great loss.
We see this similar saga fairly regularly here. Every time a member presents the trying too hard, coordinating events and gatherings for a failed parent of a partner and their ill behaved asshole failed family issue and grand-issue I recall an experience I had in elementary school.
Every afternoon the buses would line up at the school and the kids would be released to go to the buses. There was a dog that lived in the neighborhood that loved to visit the kids for scratches and to play. That year there was a group of a few boys who started hitting the dog in the testicles with a stick when it would come up for love and scratches and roll onto it's back for belly rubs. That dog would approach them, roll over, and get hit in the nuts every time. I finally had enough of that crap and interveened. That was one of my first fights at school. The school tried to discipline me but my parents put a stop to that. Several kids, bus drivers, bus monitors, and a few teachers gave the Principal clarity. So, The ball smashing animal abusers were the ones who were disciplined. I had to be very cagey after that as the three of them hunted me for several weeks. I had to make sure that I met them separately when they were alone. That was the ultimate end to it all. I had realized that overwhelming violence ends a bully and made sure that if they were going to attempt to hurt me, they were going to suffer painful disfigurement.
No one ever hurt the dog again. A bunch of kids became the dogs body guards after the first fight.
Stop rolling over and exposing yourself to your DH and his shit spawn. No more facilitating events and gatherings. If daddy wants ot do it, great.
However, never retreat from them. Be in your DH's arm, be radiant, and tolerate no bullshit. They think their snarky disrespectful juvenile crap is funny, disect them instantly by calling them out on it and then turn to your DH and be clear that your expectations that he has balls and will have your back or you fill find a new mate with a set of balls the size of canon shot to go through life with rather than the BBs that your DH clearly does not even posses.
Grrrrrr.
You owe yourself to live well. Do not sacrifice that for this shit head and his toxic failed familty shallow and polluted gene pool. Live your best life which is also the best revenge. Either DH steps up and mans up, or...... boot he and his polluted gene pool to the gutter.
I am so angry for you.
Take care of you.
I started to get rid of
I started to get rid of boundary guilt when I could no longer stand being boundary-less. You have to get used to people who hate boundaries getting mad at you. *shrug*
Generally...
...people who hate boundaries are those who wish to cross them.
Thanks for this Rags. I am
Thanks for this Rags. I am definitely guilty of boundary guilt. I know for sure that it has to do with my upbrining with an abusive parent. When your boundaries are compromised, it can be hard to identify what is a healthy boundary. At times, it feels like i'm being stubborn or selfish, just like your post said. I look at SS's mother who says 'no' to SS a lot, never went to a single parent-teacher conference in high school, didn't go to the hospital when SS had major surgery because she didn't want to leave friends she was visiting, etc. These things seem callous to me. It's like 'yeah, live your joy, but also remember that you have a child who is counting on you.' I think her neglect is a reason why SS is so entitled. But argh, I did try to help him. With my own BS, it brings me joy to be there for him, but I'm setting boundaries with him too, but it's easier to do that because BS is very easy-going and not demanding.
Great Post
That was me.....boundary guilted for way too long. Crazy thing? I had no issue removing toxic people from my life....in all phases of my life. It was with DHs kids I lost my ability to do that. Maybe the wishful thinking of all getting along, wanting unity, etc etc. Regardless, this is why I often say, "I let these things happen to me." I remember telling DH, "I would not tolerate this treatment from any other human? Why are you (and myself) letting your kids hurt me?"
2018 was my awakening year. Took me three years of therapy and healing but today, I have no issues setting boundaries. Don't like them? Oh, well....change your behavior. I"m too old for this crap.
Don't like them? Oh, well....change your behavior
Absolutely right IMHO.
Our job is to establish the boundary and enforce it. If the SKids or worse, their parent we are partnered with, insist on hammering their heads against those boundaries over and over again, that is their choice.
Bang your head against the wall, enjoy the headache.
Yes!
It all makes sense! I was learning to let go of the guilt when I was exposed to OSD. I have found that after dealing with OSD, my ability to put up with any nonsense is gone. No guilt now. I am just not willing to accept nonsense. I have stopped dealing with those who do not have basic standards of decency...honesty, respect, accountability, etc. I remain cordial and move on. Life is too short for nonsense. And it's too short to feel guilty for loving yourself and protecting your peace.
OSD?
What is OSD please?
I started putting boundaries
I started putting boundaries in place with my Skids once I finally had enough of being disrespected in my own home. Before meeting DH, my home was my sanctuary, my safe place. When it stopped being that because of Skids, and it took me awhile (a good almost 2 years) to realize the dysfunction that was happening around me and how it was affecting me, I learned all there was about boundaries. Put them in place and stuck to them. Two of my Skids didn't like them and definitely didn't like me because of them, but I learned that that was on them, not me.