SD8 getting into our bed

First post... I've been reading through other posts here and suddenly feel like I'm not losing the plot!!!

DH and I have been together for 4 years but had an unconventional living arrangement at first as I had a live in job in a boarding school. So I'd be staying there most of the time except the occasional weekend and school holidays. It was always going to be a short term thing and it worked fine for us! I moved into his house when pregnant with our son who is now 9 months. DH has 8yo daughter with ex who sleeps over 2/3 nights every other weekend and a bit more in school holiday time.

Our house is on the smaller side but we love it, 2br 2ba. Until I moved into his house, SD8 had her own room but would sleep in dads bed, but this transitioned to her happily sleeping in her own bed in her room until about 3 months ago.

BS9m sleeps in his cot in our room - BF and still has feeds in the night/sleep can be a bit hit and miss. SD8 is now refusing to sleep in her own bed, makes a massive fuss at bedtime using every reason under the sun why she can't sleep in her room, and wakes us up several times a night saying she can't sleep or "can you tuck me in". This has escalated to her crawling into bed with us, which DH is ok with and I am definitely not!!!

I said at the time DH please could you put SD8 back into her bed and he was baffled and annoyed by it but did walk her back to her room a few minutes later. We then bickered about it when he came back to bed and ultimately he said he wasn't happy about it at all and went to sleep in her room for the night.

I've tried to see it from all angles but am just so so uncomfortable sharing my BED with someone else's child?? Especially when it is compromising the sleep of everyone else in the household including my infant!! Am I supposed to breastfeed my child in the night with another child in my bed?? It's ludicrous but he doesn't see it.

Privacy and boundaries are so important for me and I don't think it's unreasonable for SD8 to sleep in her own bed. I understand and she might feel left out as the new baby is in our room. Though I wouldn't be happy AT ALL with my child sleeping with an adult who wasn't me or his dad but idk what her BM would say as she also has boundary issues (a story for another day!!)

Asked DH to stay in her room til she falls asleep if necessary and I think that's fair but just want other peoples opinions on the whole situation - like damn I'm a tired mum who just wants a bit of peace and quiet and privacy...

Me and SD8 generally have a good relationship! She loves playing big sister and hasn't outwardly had any anxiety or negative feelings toward the baby. There are some other issues with DH and BM parenting as they infantilise her but I don't really feel it's my place to get involved and my focus is on my son anyway.

Just to add... we were planning to turn SD8s bedroom into our sons room when he needs it, which will be fairly soon. But I can see a WHOLE other drama coming from this and don't know what to do. Don't want SD8 to feel ostracised but it's a needs-must that the child who lives there permanently has own space vs the child who's there 2 weekends a month?? (I had this set up at my own dads house as a kid and it was absolutely fine). Moving isn't an option for us at the moment but we'd be looking at moving to a bigger house in the next few years xx

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It’s weird and you should feel uncomfortable.

First of all, the girl does whatever her 8 year old brain tells her to do with the arrival of the competitor, as she sees it, even if on the conscious level she is excited about a baby bother. That does not mean though that a grown-a$$ individuals should take her lead. It is weird for an 8 year old to be sleeping with a parent, especially the opposite gender.

But most importantly, your husband seems to invalidate you and the fact that your body has just taken a massive beating with pregnancy and child birth, you're still being drained by night feeds and fluctuating hormones, and yet he wants you to also accommodate everyone else while you do that. Just no and no. He should be grateful that you took him with baggage, not demand you give more. If anything, he should be doing everything he can to make your life as comfortable as possible, even if it means only daytime visits from his daughter for the time being, let alone allowing her to sleep between you to pretend that she's the baby now.

I think there's so much focus

I think there's so much focus being put on not letting SD8 feel left out that it's a detriment to everyone else. DHs argument is "she's only 8" and I'm thinking yeah she's bloody 8!! And she's the one making the rules when she's here and waking 2 adults and a baby to be "tucked in" 45 times a night!!

I don't have an issue with DH spending some of the night in her room to settle her but at the moment I just think it's lazy parenting and I don't have the bandwidth (or responsibility... or desire) to parent another kid during the night. Christ I wouldn't want my own kid reliant on sharing mine and DHs bed by the age of 8!!

And she's the one making the

And she's the one making the rules when she's here and waking 2 adults and a baby to be "tucked in" 45 times a night!!

as a side note I will say my own bio kid was notorious for doing THE exact same thing

the difference was I marched her narrow tail back to her bed every.single.time whether it was one time a night or twenty times a night.

It wasn't until she spent more time with her breeder and his wife at the time that she realized she needed to break the habit of using us as human security blankets.

Disney parents (not saying your DH is one bc idk your story that well) deep down know it's not healthy but they may be too tired, guilty, or lazy to do anything about it

Of course you aren't wrong.

Of course you aren't wrong. Your DH should never have argued with you then followed SD back into her bed. Parents not presenting a united front is how the kids start running the show. I would focus on her being a "big girl." Babies sleep with their parents. As far as the new sleeping arrangements, idk enough about what SD's will be to have an opinion.

If/when we moved BS to that

If/when we moved BS to that room then SD would have a pull out bed or similar either in that room or in the living room - depending really on whether she'd rather be in with a baby or have a bit more privacy in the living room which can be closed off and seperate at night. We're planning on growing our family so looking to move to a bigger place when it's needed. So this would only be happening for a couple of years or so!!

I'm 100% with you on your

I'm 100% with you on your reasons for wanting her to not be in your bed. You are being reasonable.. your SO is not. period.

However, You say you are moving "when it is needed".. I would gently say that when your son needs his own room.. is when it is needed. I get that full time kids get priority with rooms.. but I don't see it going well to displace her or make her share a room with an infant... which you know will be disruptive to her either way. Your SO has two children... he needs to provide a home that can accomodate both of them.. and a girl who will quickly be reaching an age where she will enter puberty.. she needs to have a private space.. even if it is just a few weekends a month. The room can certainly do double purpose when she is not there.. but I think your current options are going to set up conflict and resentment. I know you love your home,but it is quickly being outgrown now.

Another option re bedrooms

Another option re bedrooms would be to have SD in BSs room when she is staying over and him sleep in with us. Which would be the least change for her. There's no possibility of moving immediately... financial and otherwise. Its a bit of a nightmare and we want what's best and fair for both kids in the interim while keeping our sanity!!

Yes do this.. you don't want

Yes do this.. you don't want to take away a private room for SD. She will most likely feel ostracised, especially if she isn't feeling welcome to come to her dad in the night to sleep in his bed and then shoved into a lounge room or given a fold out couch to sleep on in what used to be her room.

I wasn't comfortable with SD3 sleeping in our bed either, and DH had to walk her back to her room. But now I've had kids myself, I get why children do this. Luckily BM didn't co-sleep with the skids so it was easy for them to be in their own beds. Just get your DH to lay with her in her bed instead.

This is probably an unpopular opinion but I love co-sleeping with my kids. My DD4 and DS1 are always in our bed and I know eventually she will get to an age where she won't want to sleep with us. But they are my own biological children which makes a huge difference. When the children are not yours, it is on the err side of being inappropriate and uncomfortable. Totally get that.

Being 8, there must be an underlying issue why she feels she needs that security at night still from DH. Does BM co-sleep with her? Just be patient, with consistency with DH walking back to her bed she should hopefully transition again.

"This is probably an

"This is probably an unpopular opinion but I love co-sleeping with my kids."

I'll admit to having coslept with my bio kids. But never with a man in the bed as well, or even in the house. My exH (their dad) wouldn't do it (and when we were married i respected that and it wasn't an issue) and i never even entertained possibly having a boyfriend in bed with them.

Oh yeah for sure, totally get

Oh yeah for sure, totally get that. I wouldn't want a person sharing the bed with my kids that is definitely not related either.
My DH works FIFO so a lot of the time it's me co-sleeping with them on my own for a week. When DH is home, there isn't much room in our bed for all 4 of us! Plus I'm heavily pregnant haha so I need the space at the moment. To combat this we moved DD4 and DS1 in the same room together just down the hall (the skids room is upstairs) which actually helped them be able to sleep as they can at least know they are together and not feel they have to be in our bed.

A combo home office/guest room fits the bill in many cases.

A combo home office/guest room fits the visitation schedule kid bill in many cases.

A trundle bed made up as a day bed is how we did the study/guest room thing in our first house. That way the full timers and adults can use it as a study/office when the part timer SKids are not present, it can be the guest room for visitors, and the visitation schedule SKid's room per the COd visitation schedule.

Reality is that in blended families where the SKids on one side, the other side, or both sides cycle through not every visitation CO kid can always have or even should have a dedicated room. That is the responsibility of the CP to provide. The NCP and their mate are not on the hook for a full time dedicated room for non FT resident kids.

While when housing was reasonable it was entirely possible to deliver on dedicated rooms for anyone and everyone, in the current and likely future housing markets, there is not a snowball's chance in hell that this will be likely if it is even possible except for the increasingly affluent.

Our first home was a 3/2/2. Next was a 6/3.5/2, then we rented apartments, a 2/2 followed by a 3/2, then bought a 4/2.5/2. Except for a year when SIL lived with us, it was only the 3 of us until SS launched at 18. When we got back from our Expat adventure we bought a 2/2.5/2 that was 2200 square feet. It was beautiful and exactly what we wanted. We sold it nearing 2yrs ago 2yrs after we moved W. It was way more than we expected to pay, but we sold it for 50% more than we paid when we sold it after 5yrs. It is now worth 75% more than we paid 7yrs ago.

We have chosen to bow out of the housing market for now, so we rent. Our current place is a 2/2/2 1200 square foot condo. Reasonable rent. Perfect for us, comfortable for a guest couple to visit, but not comfortable enough for 4 adults to live together long term. Exactly what we want. My parents visited for a month over the holidays. It was great. My aunt joined us for mom's b-day. We put her on a mini-twin in the LR for the week she was here. I had never heard of a mini-twin until a couple of months ago. It is not a cot or inflatable. It is an actual bed. A mini-twin is half of a queen while a twin is half of a king. We recently bought a new bed frame for our BR that matches our other BR furniture. DW had to have a padded head board to muffle the AC units outside of our bedroom wall. A challenge of condo living. Being on the ground floor and having 3 units worth of AC compressors against your BR wall. Both our bed and the guest room bed are queens. We moved our older nice bed frame from our room to the guest room which left a collapsible queen bed frame that was made up of two mini-twin sections that clamped together.

A mini-twin with a collapsible frame and a high quality mattress can be put a way in a few minutes, and set up quickly before a visitor arrives. If there is a small den or study, the room can become a bedroom with one or two mini-twins quickly and those can be put away in a small closet until needed. The mini-twin mattress we bought for the holidays folds in thirds so is easily stored until needed.

With housing growing more insanely expensive, the challenges of blended family housing isn't going to grow any easier. Exactly the opposite.

Nothing about a blended home and family with visiting SKids is easy.

Unfortunately.

Disneyland dad I used to deal

Disneyland dad I used to deal with would let his nine year old daughter sleep in the bed with him

When we got together I put a FULL stop to that because I'm not sharing my man / my bed with anyone's overgrown kids, nor am I about to be sleeping on a pissy mattress

8 years old is reasonable to expect them to sleep in their own bed but she's probably feeling like she may lose attention with the baby and she may feel even more excluded if "her room" is turned into "the baby's room"

This is just my opinion but I don't think it should matter if the kid is there every day or every other weekend, giving them "their space" helps them feel included, gives them age appropriate privacy, and lets them know they're welcome.

In agreement no way should an

In agreement no way should an 8 year old skid be sleeping in your bed. I also think making he feel like she has her own special safe space could change this incessant need to be in between you two in bed. When I was first dating my SO his daughter was almost 5 and she slept in his bed. It was when she turned 6 that I told him it needed to change. His reply to me initially was dismissive. SD sleeps in bed with BM and unless BM pushes for her to sleep in her own bed it will never happen here. While it took months and a lot of patience on my part, I persisted kindly and reassuringly saying that teaching her to sleep in her own bed would create more independence and give her more confidence and that I myself never once as a child slept in my parents bed and I was very well nurtured. He finally got on board with making the effort. Initially, it was a bit of a mess. I made a schedule. I had prizes celebrations, etc. and that worked once..the very first night. After that celebration and prizes were no longer exciting to her. First, it started where he would lay in her bed with her until she fell asleep and then try to quietly sneak out and come to bed and within moments she would wake notice he's not there and come to our room in which case he would just pull her into bed with us. It was a very long process and took months and months.

When he would pull her into bed with us, I started immediately getting up and going into another room to sleep. I explained to him that if he was pulling her into our bed that I was immediately leaving ...that I was not in a relationship to share a bed with a six-year-old child. I continue to say how this process is not working and it's going to take him backing me. We put blackout curtains in her room. I found the Hatch which tells wind down bedtime stories and also has white noise as well as light indication, red meaning stay in bed and green when you can get up, which is helpful for a child specially when at that age they do not know how to tell time or understand it, and I also found a breathing otter, which is a stuffed animal that breathes and has a heartbeat for her soothing I introduced both of those things and flat out said you to her "you not allowed to leave your room and come wake us up anymore. if you wake up and you have to potty go potty but go back to bed" We talked about self soothing techniques and breathing and counting and we stopped laying with her. We sat with her while she load in bed and we listened to the wind down story on her hatch. Since that was finally introduced that first day, and he backed me on it she's been in her own bed in room ever since!!

i am guessing it's exactly as some others on this thread have already said. DH Is over compensating for her feeling left out when really he needs to keep boundaries teacher her that sleeping in her own bed is good for her. Makes her a big girl, but perhaps she needs more of a space that's her own and something that feels special.

In MHO

Children don't sleep in the marital bed, Expecally SK. once or twice a year for illness ect. But not a every night occurrence. DH is called a Disney Dadddddy. You must stop this now

Exactly!

Walk around the bedroom nekkid, leave lingerie/tampons/v!brators/etc out, AND sleep nude .... bet your husband will make sure that kid won't appear in your bed anytime soon.

100%

When people tell me they're "happily" co-sleeping, my first thought is that there's one parent who's sexually frustrated in that situation, and another one is using kids to demolish the intimate part of their relationship, instead of either being direct ("I have no sex drive and I'm fine with it") or addressing things in therapy.

I don't think a child should

I don't think a child should be sleeping with a couple even if both are bioparents. A couple needs privacy, not just for sex, but also a place where they can just be with each other. Where they don't have to censor everything they say because a child is also listening. Where they don't have to tailor what they wear to the fact that a child is present.

Co-sleeping

Husband did that with youngest when I first arrived on the scene, but even he recognized that it was icky to have his daughter in the same bed we did our intimacy thing. He transitioned her to her own bed after that, but BM continued to cosleep with her into her teens (ewe)

Yep BM still sleeps with SD8

Yep BM still sleeps with SD8 in her bed as the norm. And will likely carry on until her daughter is grown up and moved out. IMO it's out of pure laziness, she can't be bothered changing it because it would require effort and actual parenting. So sad for the child who's never been allowed independence, it's like she doesn't want her to grow up

So what's he going to do when

So what's he going to do when BM decides to accuse both of you of sexually abusing the child? Once the accusation is launched, there's no going back. Depending on your respective careers, it could cost you your jobs. Even when the accusations are proved to be unfounded, a lot of people believe that there's no smoke without fire. Ask him if it's worth it.

In my industry you have to have clearance.

I work in health (not in US, but I'm sure it's similar there), and my industry requires to renew safety/police checks every year as well as yearly professional registration certificate. There, you have to declare everything, including any complaints made against you, even if they were thrown out, proven to be malicious or downright ridiculous, made by a mentally deranged person. A potential new employer will always consider whether they want a person with this history on their team. You may not find it out though, you might just be told that others were a better fit or similar. Every year, when awaiting your registration renewal, you'll be anxious, wondering whether the board has changed and they will come back to you with some questions etc.

It's similar in other professions, e.g., lawyer, teacher etc., where you have to have a squeaky clean character, and which can be so easily damaged.