He put what in the toilet?!?!
Good lord, if we could have one week without a problem...
To recap, last time SS14 went back to his mom's, I discovered he had taken a nearly full bag of chocolate candy I had bought. Also, a drawer to his bedside table was missing.
SS came back Sunday. DH immediately asked him what happened to the stuff and SS eventually admitted to taking the candy and said the drawer was in the attic (access is in his room). DH took his phone and TV cords, then gave him a list of things to do and complete. One was gathering up any food or wrappers he had squirreled away. We heard him bringing stuff down and putting it in the bin in the garage. Curious, I went to look.
I can't tell you how many empty bags and wrappers there were. We had thought this was getting better for a while, but it's now clear he was just doing a better job of hiding it. And we weren't noticing.
Also in there? An empty tub of ice cream. I had noticed it was no longer in the freezer, but since he'd had some for dessert a few times, I just assumed he'd finished it up. No, apparently, he snuck down one night and took it upstairs. Remnants had leaked and were congealed on the bottom -- and one of our dinner spoons was still inside.
Cue DH storming upstairs and raising holy hell, making SS show him where it was and scrub any residue.
Ridiculous.
Cut yo yesterday. SS came home from school and started to sneak a small chip bag up to his room. DH saw it poking out of his pocket and called him out. Soon after, they left for practice. (Before anyone asks why he was allowed to go to practice, DH feels strongly that when you commit to a team, you show up. Also, SS doesn't like practice and regularly skips at BM's, so going isn't exactly a reward. I'd probably pull him all together, but not my call.)
I smelled something as I went up the stairs (his bathroom is right at the top). Since we had a problem last year with him backing up the toilet and not telling us, I thought I had better look. Toilet was not backed up and was clean (guess he just didn't turn the fan on). But I did find something else.
He had thrown three sucker wrappers and sticks in the toilet. The toilet. Where they could cause problems for our plumbing if flushed. I told DH, that's toddler stuff. WTF?! My only guess is it was his way of hiding more candy he'd snuck in.
DH was livid. With the phone and gum taken away, he's thinking of more nuclear reactions.
i swear, I have about had it.
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Honestly, this sounds like an
Honestly, this sounds like an eating disorder. I know it's rarer in boys, but binge eating and hiding food/evidence of eating are major red flags for an ED.
Also, why the hell did he put his drawer in the attic? That is so weird.
Could be. Though he's been
Could be. Though he's been doing that sort of thing since he was at least 5. The quantity has increased as he's grown, but sneaking/stealing/hiding sweets is nothing new.
As for the drawer, DH thinks he had it out there to hold his stash.
That's my take on this, too.
That's my take on this, too.
IDK if it necessarily would
IDK if it necessarily would be an eating disorder.. but his behavior is disordered in some way. It's not normal to continue to do something you are well aware is going to bring wrath down on your head.
Yeah, I don't really think it
Yeah, I don't really think it's an ED. He's been doing this sort of thing for a decade. And I do have some ED experience (thanks to a sibling and now a niece). Not saying it's impossible, but I suspect something else.
Honestly, I've wondered about all sorts of things like some sort of attachment disorder, defiance disorder, flat-out being spoiled rotten. I don't know. But I do know that, across the board from schoolwork to candy to electronics, his sole focus is on getting what he wants, consequences be damned.
I thought I wrote this lol
If my SS is still 14, I'd probably think I myself wrote this post. SS is 17.5 now, still hides food (even in the bathroom, why??), still just throw trash everywhere. We had rodent issues and have been telling him not to do that, of course he doesn't give a f. Stealing/hiding sweets is also a constant. It's not even like we don't let him eat, just ask him not to eat in his room.
Does your SS has ADHD or some other conditions alike?
My SS doesn't give a damn
My SS doesn't give a damn either.
He's never been diagnosed with anything. Personally, I've always thought it's being spoiled and a budding narcissist, but I'm no expert.
Like you, we don't restrict SS. He's allowed to eat his fill. We just ask that he do it downstairs and that he asks before eating anything other than stuff specifically designated for him.
Sometimes I don't know if
Sometimes I don't know if this is a power and control thing for them or what. Sigh.
That's what DH keeps saying.
That's what DH keeps saying. "I feel like he's just testing me/trying to piss me off." I don't know. It would make sense. But the only vibes I pick up on are that he's just going to do what he needs to get what he wants, regardless of consequences or impact on other people.
Hastings I know your pain
My SS did the exact type of stuff. I sat him down calmly one day and talked to him, it made no difference, that calm understanding conversation may have made things worse. He was all about defying me. DH wasn't firm enough.
I asked him to please eat in the kitchen to please not take food or drinks (water was OK) because we were having an ant and mouse problem. He did it anyway after many conversations. I thought is this kid stupid or what so I printed a sign that said no food or drinks in bedroom and hung it on his door. It never stopped. This was just the beginning, his bad behaviors escalated to the point that DH and I almost divorced because of him. At least it sounds like you and DH are on the same side. My DH was too worried about alienating or upsetting SS. I don't have any answers for you because nothing worked on this end. I think that if you and DH are on the same page and have a united front that this will eventually pass. I kept sweets and snacks in my car. SS couldn't take them to his bedroom if he didn't have them right? Well then SS started to use his own money to buy snacks and take to his bedroom. This was just plain and simple disrespectful!!!
Yeah, some of the stuff that
Yeah, some of the stuff that comes in is stuff he gets at school. DH practically pats him down at the door now. It's ridiculous.
But, yes, it helps that we're mostly in agreement. He does still sometimes worry about alienating SS, but that's getting less and less common. It's getting to the point he doesn't really care how SS feels about it and seems resigned to eventually losing SS. Thank goodness he's very clear -- if SS fails to launch (bad grades, irresponsibility, immaturity), he will NOT live here. BM can deal with him.
Your DH is mad
It doesn't do anything about. I guess the ''big talk'''. Instead of real punishment. Like taking his phone. No internet, no PlayStation. Cutting the grass clean up outside What ever DH is attempting to do is to working,
'I would give SS a reasonable candy allowance for each day, abd that it w
He takes away the phone, TV,
He takes away the phone, TV, gym privileges, etc. Doesn't do any good -- partly because SS knows he just has to put up with it for a few days at most and then it's back to Disney BM.
And he's allowed candy/sweets. But he still steals and sneaks it. It's not like he's deprived at all -- which is part of what makes it so annoying.
So the latest: DH got a
So the latest: DH got a message from SS's math teacher. SS has multiple missing assignments and is unlikely to pass this quarter. If he gets the assignments in, it could bring his grade up, but passing would still not be guaranteed. DH is finding out exactly which assignments and will make SS spend his Saturday sitting in the dining room doing the work under DH's watchful eye.
If he flunks, he'll still have the chance to pull it up final quarter to pass the semester, but he'll have to have a huge jump in performance. Is it bad for part of me to hope he flunks and has to do summer school? I feel like that might have a slim chance of getting through to him.
I would agree. DH and
I would agree. DH and (miraculously) BM are both upset about the situation, but I don't think they're being tough enough and don't quite realize how bad this could end up being. He starts high school next year. He's already got a three-year habit of slacking off and no one really coming down on him. BM says she's confiscating all electronics until he gets his grades up, but I'm doubtful it will last long. And I think it's going to require more. He's had electronics taken away before. It annoys him, but doesn't penetrate.
SS Lied repeatedly to DH about something he was supposed to turn in. DH asked him some simple questions and he responded like a smart ass. This kid needs some serious correction. If they were smart, DH and BM would make sure they doled it out. The world at large won't be kind or gentle about it.
One of my nieces is a year older than SS. I saw her last weekend. I know it's different. I don't live with her and I'm her aunt, not a SM. But she was engaging, charming, sweet, interested, excited about the AP classes she's signed up for next year. Such a stark contrast.
Again, I really think we are
Again, I really think we are sharing the same SS lol. Like you, I secretly hoped he could flunk his classes due to missed assignments, just so he can feel the consequences of failing when he doesn't put in effort. But so far we've been keeping an eye on his hw and he hasn't needed to worry about failing. (He was definitely much worse in his first year in high school, when he really could have failed multiple classes). The school also seems to not care and just give him full credit for his one line answer. I have no control over that so I choose not to think of it now.
And talk about stark contrast...DD is not top of her class, but she puts in so much effort in her work (that I wouldn't do haha), sweet and considerate....maybe I have my rose tinted glasses on, but it really is so frealking different. You know, like I just want to not needing to monitor kids hw when they reach a certain age, and we don't get to do that with SS.
I don't get some aspects of
I don't get some aspects of education these days. Most of SS's teachers accept late assignments. No missed points. No questions. One teacher takes 50% off if they turn it in late. BM said "that's harsh!" My reaction? "Thank God for teachers like that! How, exactly does the 'turn it in whenever' policy prepare kids for college and the workforce?"
Summer Sch
My SS failed many classes, was given the chance to make up the work in after school with his teachers. He wasn't showing up, failed multiple classes, went to summer school and didn't care. This happened multiple years. He should have never graduated from HS.
What ever they are doing.
It's not working. DH and BM must get together and not let SS See the outdoors. He will not have three hours of homework per day. And it's checked . There has to be a way to punish him. You must find wharf hurts him the most and take it away
No cell phone or tablet for two weeks ? ?
That's pretty much what's
That's pretty much what's happening. DH took the phone. What SS doesn't know is that BM has already taken his PlayStation, computer and TV and DH will hand the phone straight to her when he drops SS off tomorrow. He's in for a very boring time.
Will this make an impact? Doubtful. He seems incapable of connecting actions and consequences. If he gets in trouble for anything, he just believes the person is mean and persecuting him -- not that he played any part in it.
I had one of those
You are unlucky enough to have one of the "you're not the boss of me kids"! I have one of those, unfortunately combined with a no consequences, BFF BM. My SD34 expends ridiculous amounts of energy not doing whatever was expected from her. She would not listen to parents, stepparents, siblings, teachers, bosses or anyone else in a position to tell her what to do. Currently she is an unmarried, single mother, hasn't ever held a full time job. Lives on social assistance, hasn't worked at all in 5 years, lives in a condo owned by us paying minimal rent (that's a story for another day, needless to say, a huge mistake). BM cleans the condo, buys her groceries and looks after step-grandchild 2-3 days a week. The father of the grand child takes him every weekend, so apparently 4 to 5 days out of 7 someone else looks after her child! The icing on the cake to this mess, her current unemployed,live-in boyfriend is a convicted felon (armed robbery and drug possession for purposes of dealing). I wish I had been on this site when I first got into this situation. I personally would take Rags advise and ship your defiant SS off to military school, otherwise his future is likely pretty bleak. Our BM wouldn't even consider causing her darling daughter one moment of distress, so this is what the long term can look like. Behaviors and choices should have consequences.
I'd be on board with a
I'd be on board with a military school whipping him into shape. No way will that ever happen. BM minimizes any problems and I don't think DH would go through with it, no matter how frustrated he gets.
Honestly, I think I'm the only one who's looking ahead at this kid's possible future. DH does a bit, but is mostly stuck in "what do I do?" I think MIL would be clearheaded (she's never worshipped him), but she lives several hours away, rarely sees him and is not aware of most of the issues.
You're right about the "boss" thing. He just sort of sails along, doing what he wants and scoffing at any authority figure or person who gets in his way. He seems to believe he really does have the answer to everything. Anyone who corrects him or doesn't just bend over is wrong or lame or stupid or mean, depending on the situation. It's hard for me to wrap my head around because even as a kid, I wasn't that way.