How do I navigate this?
So over the last 12 months, with the help of this forum and the Let Them theory and various books, I've made such a huge improvement with my disengagement from teenage SD and learning not to feel bad about it, after her unexpected bolt out of the blue list of made up issues with me, although our relationship is a million miles from where it used to be (and I'm feeling quite free about it), I need some help/encouragement/sturn words to help with this little situation that has popped up.
We have a family chat that BARELY gets used anymore. My partner mentioned to me his DD messaged him over the weekend to say what she'd been up to and that she has been prom dress shopping. He showed me a pic and I just said 'oh very nice' and then changed the subject.
My dilemma is this. She hasn't mentioned prom in conversation while I'm around. She's not interested in messaging the family chat so we would all see the photo (just the 3 of us in the chat is all), I'm fine with all of the above. What. Ever.
So i need help with this. When she is expecting dad to go over mums on prom evening to see her all dressed up which he will and is fine (unless she comes here as well - which would be better (for me)), and dad asks me to go.. do I? I mean, do i really go on dads invite? Do I say well she hasn't asked me directly so no i will not be going over to offer compliments.
We have gone from being super close to just acknowledging eachother now.. well, even that is wearing thin now as I only engage if the skid engages first, which is either half arsed or actually, not at all. She tried calling me for a lift last week and I turned her down.. this was a big step for me, as usually everyone drops everything for her. Do I make plans for her prom evening and make sure I'm not around?
Your SO is her father.. he is
Your SO is her father.. he is her parent.. and she is likely going to want to talk with him one on one.. vs always having some triangular conversation in a group chat.
BTW.. my husband HATES group chats... he hates them with a passion.. if he has a convo with someone.. it's with that person directly. Perhaps there is some limited value in them for planning a joint vacation or something to some people.. but otherwise.. nope.. he deletes them immediately.
It's clear that there is some emotional separation between you and her... and at this point.. it's mutual... even if you feel she started it.
As far as prom night.. do what you want. Does he want to go take some pics.. or have her come over so he can take some and then you and he go to dinner after? if so.. sure.. go along.. whether you are "asked" or not. Obviously, I would not think his EX will be over joyed to have some invasion of her home by him.. (and you).. as you would not want that either.. so, ifhe goes.. it will just be for quick pics.. imho.
and.. yes.. you can go on dad's invite..
Sure....You Can Go
but do you really want to? I made that mistake once...and it was even before things had gotten really bad. DH had a son flying in and wanted to meet him at the airport regardless that BM was picking him up. He invited me along. Can you say AWKWARD??? While not outright ugly, I was clearly "pushed" to the side by both BM and son. DH was of no help, standing there like a bafoon. SMH
You have to decide what is best for YOU. Not your SO or social pressure. Way too many times, the SMs on this board (including myself) put ourselves DEAD LAST in these situations. I say that needs to change (and I have). I put ME and MY MENTAL HEALTH first. I don't care who gets angry. Take care of YOU.
Agree!
Agree!
Also, DH and I have our bio-son (almost 4y/o) that adds to the mix. The only extent he has at this point is, "SD14 has a different house and a different mom."
No way in h3ll would I drag him over to BMs. Part of me feels like I should sheild him from the "BM drama" that could possibly ensue. Not worth it! Especially for a SD that probably doesn't want me there in the first place!
This pissed me off incredibly.
I hope you owned your idiot DH's ass for that crap. And SS and BM's as well.
Grrrrr.
I feel for you. I know all
I feel for you. I know all too well about the "made up issues about me".
My advice is to compartmentalize. If it's mom's house, go. Paste that smile on your face and bite your tongue with what you are really thinking. Afterwards, you can let your guard down hopefully and be relieved that it's over. Give yourself a notch in the Good Wife/SM column. If there is the slightest remark or gesture that you shouldn't be there, then your husband better have your back. Keep your process of disengaging, but be the bigger person when it comes to special occasions.
You sound like me. I married into a blended family that at first adored everything about me being with their dad. I was an awesome, instant, additional GM to their children as well. Eleven years in and it's not Pleasantville anymore because I've been living my best life with their father.
Great…
...advice! You're keeping it classy!
Wouldn't you think they would be so happy that their father is living his best life too? What is wrong with people?
I, too, was welcomed...until I said "No" to OSD's abusive and dysfunctional behavior. That told me all I needed to know about them.... I'm now happily disengaged. I feel bad that my husband had to see the ugly side of his family.
I'd go on your husbands
I'd go on your husbands invite.
SMILE and tell her how beautiful she looks, compliment her dress. You know the deal.
Afterwards go out to dinner and have a strong cocktail
No one can take your pleasantries away from you. Even IF they try.
It is never a bad look to
It is never a bad look to rise above and be the better person.. even she doesn't appreciate it.. if your DH wants you there with him.. then I would go.. but make a night of it.. where he owes you a nice dinner after!
When you marry someone with kids
These things come up. I would not go into BM house. I would not be there. DH should not go. Outside is find. But DH must understand when he divorce BM and married you. Certain things he will lose.
I'm with you, Harry. It's one
I'm with you, Harry. It's one thing for exes to both attend weddings, funerals, and graduations. But pre-prom pictures? Can't he have SD text him one or give him one of the pics taken at the dance? To me that's a slippery slope to joint Christmases, birthdays, and every future grandkid's every birthday, Halloween, and every "graduation" from daycare to phd, all with BM.
Yes…
...I get this side too. Already tired of the birthday parties.... Ugh!
Is SD getting ready at Mom's?
Is SD getting ready at Mom's? If so, and he REALLY wants to see her in-person for pictures, then it needs to be well-thought out.
Leaving to go to the dance at 5:00? Perfect, DH can meet her outside at 4:55 for couple of pictures. Done and gone! No need to sit around BMs house. No need for you to go either. Honestly, I wouldn't want to even if I was invited. I'm disengaged from SD14 - I could care less what her dress looks like.
Also, the last time DH has a picture of him, SD14, and BM together was probably when she was MAYBE 3 years old. I wouldn't care if the 3 of them took a picture together. Heck, I wouldn't want to be in it either!
I am one of the founders of team 'on each other's arm'.
Radiantly.
For everything. Whether invited directly or not, whether the opposition wants me there or not. Period, Dot. Whoever the opposition may be. The SpermClan hated it when I was present for court hearings, or drop off/pickup of the Skid, or there when they would call to rant at my DW with their noxious shallow and polluted gene pool bullshit. They loved it when she was a single teen mom college student working 3 jobs and going to school full time. SpermGrandHag slung around her and SpermGrandPa's money in a full court press to take custody of SS from my then FDW and bury her in school loan debt for lawyers. Once we married, the financial big stick swung irrevocably and ever increasing in our favor which the Hag hated and would whine and cry about incessantly crying about how unfair it was. Zero cognition of the fact that she had invented the concept. When they no longer could hang financially it became an effort to minimize my DW's incredible academic and professional accomplishments. When DW was sitting for the CPA exam, SS was so excited and proud of his mom. On his next visitation a couple of months after she received her scores and her CPA the Hag told SS that it was no big deal and that the Hag and her daughter were taking accounting classes at their local CC. SS was stunned. He corrected them confidently that what his mom had accomplished and what SpermGrandHag and SpermAunt were farting around with was not even in the same plane of existence. Of course there was no more CC accounting classes for the Hag and her DD. The Hag could no longer minimize my DW in any successful way. Not that she ever could. The Hag still tried, but it was all via whining and pouting and not much else or the past bullshit targeting SS's relationship with his mom. As much anyway.
So, never be anywhere but together any time there is a call for DH to attend anything with his kids, his X, the XILs, etc... In court, at family events, for stuff like seeing a kid/Skid leaving for prom, etc...Be happy, be radiant, and be fully in their faces with that. Like any cockroach that scurries for a dark corner when a light is turned on in a dark roach filled room, they will cockroach scurry for the shadows in the light or the radiance you bring and that you and SO live together.
My advice is to go. Be with your DH, on each other's arm, be confident, tolerate no bullshit, no stink eye from any Xs in the mix, no pouting bullshit from the kid who is bummed that mommy and daddy are not the only adults present, no smirks form our mate's XILs, nothing. but mature reasonable behavior from anyone and everyone.
Be radiant, be confident, and be together. Living well is what each of us owe ourselves, our mate, and our relationship together. It is also the best revenge.
Enjoy living that revenge.
Have fun!
It drives me nuckin futz when people who should be using their minds are losing their minds. So, they engage the brain, or I bring the pain. Their choice.
Damned, I am on a waxing poetic roll at the moment.
Woo Hoo!
*dirol*