Flunking and lazy parenting = good times
It's official. SS14 flunked math for the third quarter. The teacher texted DH a couple of weeks ago to warn him and encourage him to get SS to turn in missing assignments. That prompted DH to reach out to other teachers to ask if there was missing work, etc. Surprise, surprise, there was a long list. DH sat SS down and made him go down the list to do all of it.
Thay helped with some grades. Not with math, because SS told DH he submitted the five assignments -- which he did, but three were blank and two he only did part of it, getting 5/50 in all.
(Side note: the school app for parents isn't helpful. It's never clear if an assignment is on paper or online. Also, it's impossible to tell if something hasn't been turned in or if the teacher just hasn't graded it.)
Now the focus is on Q4. DH says he's torn between wanting him to do well enough that he passes and wanting him to end up in summer school to teach him a lesson.
There's a mandatory study hall period and all homework gets done there -- in theory. Apparently, SS just sits there or plays on his phone, I guess. But a lot of what SS is blowing off is pretty simple stuff. He gives mixed messages on math. Does he understand or not? Sometimes he says yes and other times no. He has his math teacher for study hall and he's aware of the grade problem and offers to answer any questions. Nothing.
All this prompted a rare phone conversation between DH and BM. He learned:
1) She goes to bed at 8 every night so she has no clue what he does in the evening or when he goes to sleep.
2) She had told him she was taking away electronics. Not exactly. She just set her WiFi to shut off at a certain time. But she let him keep his phone. Which has a hotspot. Super easy for him to just turn that on and keep gaming on his PS5.
DH: You're not physically taking the phone?
BM: Of course not! Why would I do that? You're too hard on him.
3) She's still not monitoring grades, just asking him how it's all going.
4) He's missed three days of school in her last two weeks with her. DH had no clue (usually she tells him). Why did he miss? His arm hurt.
DH: Ok, if his arm hurts badly enough to miss school (which I really doubt it was that bad), why haven't you made an appointment to get it checked out? Why is he still going bowling and to the gym? And why didn't you tell me?
No answer for that.
But if he's starting to regularly miss school again, that's not going to help his grades.
There don't seem to be any social problems anyone has picked up on. He has friends. No signs of bullying. He's just not bothering to do work or to catch up when he misses. Same problems we ran into two years ago.
It's driving DH crazy because he doesn't want his kid to end up flunking out. And maybe he won't. Maybe it will all kick in at some point. Regardless, if he fails to launch he will not live with us or be supported by us in any way. DH is even talking about changing our trust so when we're both gone, his percentage of our estate is relatively small and he only gets it when he's at least 55 and has a degree from a university or trade school.
- Hastings's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Our Will gives SS nothing until he reaches age 40...
or completes a Bachelor's degree from an accredited school. Whichever is earlier.
My DW and I are each others sole heir and beneficiary. Upon the passing of both of us, our entire estate goes to SS.
If we both have an early demise, it stays in trust for him with zero money going to him until then. He will be 33 this year and has completed an AS but not a Bachelor's.
Odds are, we will both long survive his 40th B-day
We did this to minimize the odds of our assets benefiting the SpermClan in the event of our demise. Had we passed while SS was a minor, the goal was that $zero would go to the SpermClan and SS would have to become a viable adult before receiving his inheritance. Our executors were instructed to and were on board with focusing our estate on SS in ways that provided zero benefit for the SpermClan who in all liklihood would have gained custody of SS.
Petty? Absolutely. Vindictive? Absolutely.
The intent was for that estate would have been leveraged to give the SpermClan incentive to maximize SKid time with my family and my ILs in dribble some pittance money on them periodically after forcing some bared ass and groveling on them.
That's a lot of what was
That's a lot of what was behind our reasoning. We want to make sure he's as close to a mature adult as possible before he touches anything.
DH is currently working with his mom to alter her assets. She's fairly wealthy and DH is her sole heir. If he predeceases her, it all goes to SS. But if SS is still a minor, that would basically hand it to BM (who is an attorney with plenty of money of her own, but still...). If he's not, he'll still be young (MIL is 85) and shows no signs he'll be mature enough to handle it.
MIL is changing it all so it goes to our trust instead. That way it's under the same protections. Also, if DH dies before I do, I would be the one in control. (MIL adores me and hates BM. She also has no delusions about SS.)
"(MIL adores me and hates BM.
"(MIL adores me and hates BM. She also has no delusions about SS.)"
At least you've got that going for you.
Oh, I know. She actually
Oh, I know. She actually sends me a Mother's Day card and a check every year along with a note thanking me for being a supportive wife to DH and a good example for SS. She's not the easiest person, but she reminds me a bit of my paternal grandmother, so we get along great.
Good to hear that MIL is of quality and is a Hasting's fan who..
recognizes that you are an outstanding person, partner for her son, and example for her GK.
My mom and dad have done the same with their estate and Wills. There estate goes equally to my brother and I other than their house which goes jointly to DW and I. My brother suggested the house part though mom and dad had already informed me of it. I told them "only if Bro agrees".
My brother is a wealthy man. I am extremely proud of him. He and my SIL have no interest in our parents home and it is important to our parents (mainly mom) that mom and dad's home be a family home. DW and I fully intend to retire there because my brother is there and 2 of three of my brother's kids are there. SS will likely return there after he retires from the military in 6+ years when he hits 20yrs pf service. It is important to our parents that we are close. It is important to me as well. And to my bride. My brother has been my non spouse person since mom and dad brought him home from the hospital when I was 6.
Our son has forbidden his mom from returning to SpermLand because he recognizes how stressful her family is. SS has limited tolerance for DW's family due to how they treat his mom. He has a similar limited tolerance, though even less, for how his aunt's family treats my brothers DW.
Congratulations on who you are Hastings, and on the life that you and DH are living together.
Circle the wagons and keep the enemy at the gates. Never let them set foot in places they have not earned access to. Their mere existence does not qualify them for access. That is earned by never ending reasonable and respectful behavior.
IMHO of course.
In my experience
Summer school is NO deterrent. All three ferals went to summer school EVERY year starting from kindergarten on up through High School. It was basically socializing and remedial snacks.
There's absolutely no way that they could have caught up with all the work they never turned in and all the tests they failed for a few short weeks in summer school.
Somehow they miraculously passed every time. Mostly with pity grades rounded up slightly higher than failing.
I suspect you're right. DH's
I suspect you're right. DH's hope on that is pretty slim. SS seems completely incapable of accepting responsibility or learning from mistakes. He just blames other people. If he ends up in summer school, he'll grumble and mope, but continue to do (or not do) whatever he wants, secure in his own belief that he does nothing wrong and is a persecuted victim.
Oh yes. Social promotion to maintain access to DOE dollars.
That may be coming to an end with the potential if not likely dissolution of the federal department of education.
Which the US academic performance has crashed and burned under since 1979. From near the top, to #50 or lower as bureaucrats killed our schools.
Bureaucrats are not educators and have no business influencing the education of our kids or the schools that provide it. Beyond an audit function to drive accountability for delivering effective and improving education performance at the national level, the DOE has no place.
I am a proponent of returning schools to the States and to parents, removing the federal government from it. IMHO States and tax payers should refuse to provide income taxes that were going to DOE operations and vector those taxes to the school districts.
IMHO of course.