Waiting for the other shoe to drop
SD63 has been quiet the past few months. We see her early each month when she pays us her share of "rent" and cuts DH's hair. For months now, we've seen her hands trembling. I know she also had some kind of heart issue identified during a December hospital visit. She was supposed to schedule further testing but never did.
She called Tuesday, had an appointment with her primary that day but car trouble. I offered to take her since DH87 is not up to travel to unfamiliar destinations. The trip was "eventful" in typical SD fashion with wrong exits, confusion and all the rest.
She told me her tremors are scaring her, she has memory issues and sometimes while driving finds herself far from her destination without knowing how. The previous day, she had finally gone for the heart tests. She is also concerned about some old breast implants, she's having bleeding, discharge and lumps. The next day, she had an appointment with the orthopedist who urges a second knee replacement.
So, it wasn't a surprise when she was in the doctor's office for an hour. She said he was concerned about the tremors and mind issues and referred her to a neurologist. She said, its not Parkinsons, is it? He supposedly said he doesnt speculate but it doesnt look good and she should take a family member to the appt. He also gave her a referral to a surgeon for her breasts
During the ride to and from, I also heard about her dire car problems (and it looks like a Dodge em), ("tell Dad it won't pass inspection without $800 in repairs"), her financial issues and problems with her one remaining child who interracts with her. After discussing with DH, I gave her the $ for a tire to replace the one giving the most trouble. Other than that, I got out without further commitments.
I was wiped out when I got home, both from the hair-raising highway travel and the overload of bad news. DH86 sort of understands but cant grasp the gravity of a Parkinson or multiple sclerosis diagnosis, if that should happen. Although I ordinarily seldom call her, I have called each day since but she doesn't answer and her voice mailbox is always full. DH tried to call the grandaughter but no answer.
So, I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. I'm 80 with a DH86 who has 2 types of cancer and recently-diagnosed heart issue. I also have my 101yo mom in a nursing home and I'm the only child locally So, between my own care, DH, Mom and all the care of the house on me, I'm maxed out. It's scary that SD63 has no one other than the flaky granddaughter. She SAYS she knows I'm maxed out and DH cant do much. Crazy times....
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I would be beyond overwhelmed
I would be beyond overwhelmed! Reading this and shaking my head, asking myself how well I would handle all of this. There would be so much fear in the unknown. I am sending as much strength and positive vibes your way hoping every bit helps. You are clearly a very strong woman! Keep your head up. You are not alone!
Thanks, Reba
I need all the good vibes I can get. Lol. She's been a problem since I met her 53 years ago.
Jeez. You say she is
Jeez. You say she is unhealthy, but has she ever been diagnosed with any specific real condition that you know and have proof of? Could it just be a culmination of poor lifestyle choices causing her symptoms? You said before that when she got her first period she went to the ER, right? Hopefully this is just her being dramatic. I mean, most people in their 60s have something . High BP, thyroid problems, etc. But hopefully SD doesn't have a catastrophic condition. For YOUR sake as much as hers!!
SD's diagnoses
I know for sure she has Barrett's esophagus cuz we went with her to the hospital several times for treatments. I know she has continuing anemia cuz I went with her for one of her transfusions. I know she has tremors cuz I see them. But, you're right, her poor life choices (drugs, poor diet) have certainly contributed. And, she's a secretive liar so we never know for sure what's going on I've decided that if I hear about something drastic that could affect us, like a terminal diagnosis where DH would be tempted to go overboard, that I will have to hear it from a doctor myself. She's not above using pity to exhort $.
I was going to say
Sure it's not the DTs?
My ignorance
I don't know enough about DTs to make a guess. Thanks for mentioning this possibility.
The BE issue could come from
The BE issue could come from lifestyle issues.. such as smoking.. being overweight.
Anemia can be a result of alcohol abuse.. so the shaking.. which could be DT's.. could be a factor that her issues stem from alcohol abuse.
Her blood tests should be showing some signs of that though.. not sure if she might be simply lying to her DR about her useage?
She doesn't drink
In all the years I've known her, she has never drank at all. One vice she doesn't have but drugs, yes.
other shoe
The other shoe. Waiting here too.
SD1 called the other night. She usually calls when she wants something, but said she called to see how we were. Then at the end of the call said she was coming to our city (she lives about a half hour away) and would stop in on a specific night. I replied that we'd love to see her, but we would not be home as that is DH's shuffleboard group night. She sounded disappointed. Unfortunately, I think it was because she would not be able to ask in person, not because she wanted to see her dad. She knows that an over the phone ask will mostly likely be a no, but DH usually caves to an in person ask. Expecting a call to visit soon.
I'm not a member of AA, but have family that is. I've found that adopting the AA saying (let go and let God) has helped me tremendously. Yes, I still worry about thing I cannot control, but I worry a lot less. I keep reminding myself to let go and let God. It has helped my mental health.
I need to remember that
That's a good reminder. I tend to worry about things I can't change.
((hugs))) JRI
Shes got the meagerie of health problems and you are overwhelmed.
Good on you for keeping her at the distance and mimial helping hands.
Try not to let her get too much in your head - youve got too much on you right now.
I'm trying
It's hard not to obsess about the what ifs.
{{{hugs}}}
{{{hugs}}}
JRI, at 80yo and with your 86yo husband and his health issues, you need to take care of yourself first. I'm sorry that SD63 is such a trial and the granddaughter is flaky, but you can't handle this forever.
Can't handle it forever
I've been preaching the "we can't handle it forever" to SD for ages. To give her credit, she doesn't call anymore with the laundry list of probs. Apparently, she saves them up til she sees us in person. But, last year when we did a ride home from a hospital on dark, rainy night on a highway, I was pretty plain about neither of us being capable of that anymore so she hasn't asked. Tuesday was an emergency and she understood it was impossible for DH.
Every time she even hints for one of us to do something, I say, ' that's C's (her daughter) job". But C's car is inoperable right now so that's why she called us. C isn't in much better shape than SD. But, I need to let go.
Thank goodness she's cut down
Thank goodness she's cut down!
SD and C need to bang their heads together and figure out an alternative. If that means SD has to take a taxi or Uber or public transportation, so be it. *give_rose*
I'm so sorry you are in this position!
I'm so sorry you are in this position! Please remember, she is where she is because of her choices. She has a daughter and a grandaughter, this is on them to deal with, not you. Your priority has to be your DH and yourself. I understand the worry, but please look after yourself first. You now know that you are not up to that kind of a drive again, she is going to have to figure out an alternative.
Driving with Miss SD63
Going somewhere with her is crazy. One time we ended up about 30 miles north on a major highway looking for a Dr's office. That's when I swore I'd always verify the exact location beforehand whenever I drove with her. Tuesday, I only had time to vaguely find the location of the Dr's office. She swore she'd been there 3 times but we were still getting off at the wrong exit. We were in the middle of traffic on a major highway and my heart was beating so fast.
At 63, she should be eligible
At 63, she should be eligible for some services through your local Department of Aging, I would think (transportation, for one). Let someone else "take care" of her. Has she been checked for a urinary tract infection? Some people can have one and not know it, and the symptoms can appear as dementia.
Like others have said, YOU and YOUR HUSBAND are priority. Draw those lines. Take care of yourselves. Breathe. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is an awful feeling. Do something good for yourself today, tomorrow, the next day, and the next.
Thanks!
Thanks for the info!
I couldn't agree more. At
I couldn't agree more. At your ages, she is really not your problem to take care of. Most responsible adults try to take care of their elderly parents, as best they can, not the other way around! Please don't get drawn back into caring for this woman because your husband can't.
SD must have no friends.
Or anybody who will talk to her. You are the designated person who she can tell her problems to, And nobody else will give her money . Winner....winner... chicken dinner..
Absolutely correct
You're totally correct, Harry. She has no friends and most of her relatives have distanced themselves. A couple years ago, a childhood friend, L, who now lives in FL, reconnected with her. Back in their teenage years, they were wild girls together. L invited her for a week or two visit and DH had visions of them getting closer and SD moving there. So, we drove 50 miles to put her on the plane. Guess what? She was back within 3 days. We never got the full story but I can imagine SD sneaking L's meds or stirring up some other kind of sh+t. Back we went another 50 miles.
My DD, a very laid back person, doesn't want her in her house. She stole some $ (denies it) and whenever she was there, found an excuse to go in the medicine cabinet. YSS had similar experience with his wife missing jewelry after a SD visit. I could go on with numerous examples.
I put up with her for DH's sake and can somewhat minimize the drain.
!
I am concernced about her breasts, bleeding, discharge, and lumps are not okay, whether one has implants or not. Breast Implant Illness is not officially recognized as a medical diagnosis, but there is so much information out there about symptoms common to those who have implants. The brain fog has me worried, along with the physical symptoms you mentioned. It is worth looking into, please urge her to do so!
Sad truth
I hear what you're saying, Trudie, but the sad truth is that if I urged her to do something about her breasts, she'd be inclined to do the opposite, just to "show me". I'd be better off telling her to ignore it
This has been the pattern for years and it's why, among other reasons, I neither comment nor offer suggestions. Sigh...
Ugh!
I understand what you are saying. Yes, sigh....
No more on your plate. Time to take care of you above all else.
I am so sorry about all of this. JRI.
So many avoid going to Doctors then demand support when their MD avoidance bites them in the ass. DW's aunt is one of these. Her DH expired sitting next to her. Even after that she will not go to doctors. 15yrs later she has had several strokes. Those just made her more anti doctor. All that could have been prevented with basic cardio care, circulatory care and meds. She is an avid hiker and for some reason does not admit that genetics are in play. Their (MIL's and the Aunt's) mother had a number or major strokes in her late 60s and passed in her early 70s as a result. Now my MIL is dragging her little sister to Doc appointments because she will not go otherwise.
As you described the latest front of the SD63 shit storm it dawned on me based on a friend of mine's struggles with BII, that just about everything your SD63 is complaining about is on the list of Breast Implant Illness symptoms.
Synopsis below:
Leaking silicone breast implants have been linked to a range of neurological issues, including brain fog, memory loss, and cognitive impairment. Some individuals also report chronic fatigue, joint and muscle pain, and difficulty concentrating. These symptoms are often grouped under the term Breast Implant Illness (BII).
Elaboration:
Brain Fog and Cognitive Impairment:
Many women with silicone breast implants report experiencing "brain fog" or cognitive difficulties, such as memory loss, trouble concentrating, and word-finding problems.
Fatigue and Pain:
Chronic fatigue, muscle pain, and joint pain are also frequently reported in association with BII.
Other Neurological Concerns:
Some individuals have reported more severe neurological symptoms, including nerve pain, peripheral neuritis, and in rare cases, even indications of conditions like multiple sclerosis or motor neuron disease.
Autoimmune Response:
Some researchers suggest that leaking silicone implants may trigger an autoimmune response, leading to a variety of symptoms, including neurological ones.
Research and Ongoing Investigation:
The exact cause of these symptoms is still under investigation, and more research is needed to fully understand the relationship between silicone breast implants and neurological issues.
Importance of Reporting:
It's crucial for women experiencing symptoms like those described above to report them to their doctors and consider seeking further evaluation.
Neurologic Disease and Its Association with Silicone Breast ...
All subjects had 20 to 30 symptoms. The most common were weakness (95%); fatigue, myalgia morning stiffness, joint pain, and memor...
NCBI
Risks and Complications of Breast Implants - FDA
Dec 15, 2023 — Symptoms such as fatigue, memory loss, rash, "brain fog," and joint pain may be associated with breast implants. Some ...
FDA
Silicone breast implants and neurologic disorders [RETIRED]
Vasey' indicated that some women who had sili- cone breast implants complain of chronic fatigue, muscle pain, peripheral neuritis,
Neurology® Journals
Show all
This is for informational purposes only. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a professional. Generative AI is experimental.
Sounds just like her
Thanks for the info, it sounds like what she's having. We have not heard one word from her since last Tuesday. It's a blessing, for sure, but usually means she's doing something she shouldn't, or not doing something she should. My guess is she hasn't called either the surgeon nor the neurologist. She's afraid of what she'll hear, like your DW:s aunt.