Does being targeted ever end?
I am so tired, and my self-worth is decreasing by the day. Is it even worth sticking around anymore and just go back to my old life which was nothing but stress, unfulfillment and boring.
I have been a scapegoat for my boyfriends daughter (16) for the last 2 years (I’ve been here for 7 years). I was in a dark place from the out of the blue rocket that was launched to me – our relationship went from absolutely great to, well, we acknowledge each other, we speak, but that’s about it – it is comfortable (thankfully). I’m now known as dads girlfriend (as that’s how I’ve acted for the last 7, apparently, however, dad’s gf is ALL I want to be. I do not wish to have any kind of official attachment to the skids after my 7 years experience).
Mums BF has a very well paid job – this very well paid job makes him feel very superior around people with average paid jobs – looks at them like minions – that kinda guy – a total pompous.
5 years I’ve invested money, love, ‘looking after skids’ because I’m more available than the actual bloodline. Mums very important boyfriend has never taken to me – his demeaner towards me when myself and boyfriend are i nhis/their company is just so noticeable and it has always made me wonder… WHY. He doesn’t know me, he obviously only knows OF ME from when SD launched her attack on me in front of her mum (which she sat and allowed her to speak DOWN to ME) with all these made up stories… I probably told her one time to pick up her socks, and then she decided she would make up a whole load of shit that she didn’t like about me (i.e watching tv in my own bedroom made me a really lazy person i.e if the skids were at ours and they were going out to do something that I didn’t fancy – well I bloody well should have gone out whether I liked it or not – as a family), basically wanted to mould me like their mum. So going back to the mums BF and how he doesn’t acknowledge me when me and boyfriend are in his company (exchanging kids) – I notice he speaks to my bf, not me, I am almost shunned out of existence. He is of no value to me, I owe him nothing, but it’s just the total disrespect that I notice, towards me, that hurts and makes me question myself as a person… it is obvious that the scapegoat behaviour I had previously experienced..well I’ve obviously been the talk over the pompous house and he had probably decided to build his own picture up of me.
Honestly I cannot express enough that I have done nothing to the skids, in anyway, for the eldest to come for me – I got sever anxiety from the experience, I never ate, I never slept, my life turned upside down and questioned myself on a daily basis what I need to change about myself TO BE LIKED! I know… horrific isn’t it? I came back from it with support from family and friends… not my boyfriend though, as he draws a blank when it comes to confrontation – more so too scared in case his skids don’t come around anymore. Any way – we built from that and he is starting to get it (thankfully – a long time coming that was, I can tell you).
Youngest wasn’t well this morning, I had a jam packed day at work, boyfriend arranged for her to go home due to my schedule.. unofficial step dad turned up, let himself into my house.. I approached him and greeted him (I am always the bigger person), I was blanked and ignored (yes, in my own house), he said to the child ‘come on let’s go’ and walked out of the house.
At this point my self worth again.. is being questioned by myself. Then I thought, I am not going down that dark hole again. Spoke to BF about it, he totally backed me. Obviously the issue here is, I have to work, the child has gone home, I’m the bad guy for not looking after the child, and because of that, I get shunned in my own house, by a pompous little fart who left me feeling inadequate AGAIN?
Why do people never remember the good stuff. I’m now fighting MY OWN BATTLE with the eldest skid and now with some guy who has only heard one side of a skids story about me that isn’t even true? I know I owe them nothing. I have aired my upset and it’s gone back to the childs mum who had obviously gone to her bit on the side who has since tried contacting me to apologise. I don’t want to hear it. The sheer disrespect on my own territory has thrown me into an emotional pit. Why am I being put through this shit for people I am not even related to?
I am so tired of this ‘us and them’ bollox I really am. None of us are HC, we are all very amicable with no issues, but everyone in the end seems to have it in for me, indirectly. I hate being disrespected for no reason when I've done absolutely nothing. Over there they all think they are perfect with perfect lives because of the money they earn, and it's radiates to the skids, we are normal, loud and proud, bubbly funny people who love a laugh and live comfortably without showing off and pretending to be pompous and perfect. It seems they have an issue with that. If i'm totally honest, lately i've been feeling like it's just me.. and then all them. Why are people so ugly? : (
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Stop being around people you
Stop being around people you don't appreciate. It doesn't take four people to do handover. Stop going. You can be cordial and polite to people without being chummy. Stop being around BM and her buffoon unless absolutely necessary (graduation weddings, etc). You'll start to feel better immediately.
I am VERY concerned that your home was invaded. Your home is supposed to be your safe haven. It's time for your bf to make it clear to his ex that neither her nor her rude, ignorant oaf of a bf is welcome inside your home for ANY REASON and that they should either wait on the threshold or in their car and that next time he,will call the police about a home invasion.
I agree that OP doesn't need
I agree that OP doesn't need to be part of the handover. And the handover should never occur inside OP's home!
Disengage
From SK, As do nothing for them. You live your life without SK. You let your SO handle his kids. Stop cooking for the,cleaning for them ect.`
Hi Lifeistough. I struggled
Hi Lifeistough. I struggled with this too, but it's been better in my situation. I took it until I couldn't any more, which forced my dh and I to go seek marriage counseling. I was so grateful to hear the counselor say that the Number 1 role for the bio-parent in a blended family situation is that he (usually he) should protect the step-parent. It is so easy for everyone to take out their frustrations in a divorce situation on the stepmom of which there are many. Stepdads get away with a lot because in our society, they aren't seen as primary care givers, so they'll be praised to the nines just for doing something halfway nice. Whereas the stepmom will be judged harshly for not sacrificing herself to meet every need of the children.
The feeling of rejection is a major, major stressor. What I find interesting is that you seem to excuse everyone's behavior by pointing to their good characteristics. I'm not sure if you're doing the same thing as I did/do, but I basically will end up gaslighting myself by pointing to some of the positive characteristics of the people who have attacked me. It's good to be positive, but I think this form of positivity results in undermining your experience. I think a part of it is also due to fear of standing up for myself, so I excuse the bad by focusing on the good. But if you're not feeling comfortable, then that is a real problem with real causes that should be addressed.
I agree with Winterglow that you should not be at handoff, and that you deserve to feel safe in your own home.
Been there done that, bought
Been there done that, bought the t-shirt for it. I'm going to sound harsh but I don't mean to. I guess I still have soooooo much resentment.
You have tried airing your upset. OK, you're trying to get blood out of a stone. These people all around you, your weak-ass SO, BM, the step-dad, your SD, are all unhealthy. They don't have the tools. They are unwilling to change. Your SO is failing you and can't or won't have your back. You will not get your needs met from these people. Step-dad will continue to throw his weight around, your SD will continue to give you grief, BM will give a weak apology and do nothing and your SO will have nothing to say about any of it.
You will have to be the one to instill boundaries. You can tell step-dad to get the f out and stay out of YOUR house or you'll be calling the police. If he laughs and tries to throw his weight around to intimiadate you, get on the phone to the police right away. Your SD is no longer allowed to disrespect you. She cannot give you any lip, she cannot ignore you when you say hello, and she cannot do whatever it is that offends you. YOU are 50% of the ADULT equation in YOUR home and you require (insert needs here) tull stop. SO can stand there like a bump on a log if he wants but if he tries to fight you on that or has the gall to defend his poopsie to you in front of her level him in front of SD to let them both know who's boss.
You will continue to go through what you posted until your fear of continuing to live that way outweighs your fear of losing your SO. For YEARS I'd go only so far and then pull back because I was so afraid of losing my DH. One day, my fear of continuing to live in such disrespect outweighed my fear of losing DH. Now the tables have turned. My DH is the one jumping through hoops to keep me happy. Recently, I had a bad spell in step-life and my DH stepped up. He didn't used to.
Don't get me wrong, it's scary and everyone around you will act out because they'll want to knock YOU back into status quo. I knew I had to stay strong and weather the storm or I'd lose and be back to square one making any further attempts all the less effective. I knew I had to win. Yes, it comes down to a power play but sometimes you have to go that route. I also found that finding my worth and remembering it several times a day helped.
Go get 'em! You can do it!
7 years a gf to someone who
7 years a gf to someone who let's another grown man be openly disrespectful and come into your space without your authorization...
Your bf doesn't care about you and prioritises his relationships with his kids, BM and SF....He prefers to let them dog pile on you while he watches from the sidelines and gives you a word of comfort/acknowledgement here and there
I know this because I lived it...In the end I too lost all self esteem and became a quiet shell of a person. My husband was always deflecting or siding with them to blame me...I got tired...I lost all type of connection or affection for my husband since he was allowing them to treat me poorly and humiliate me...
You can choose to put boundaries and remove yourself from these situations or else it will just end up worse for you. Stop going around this adult male who despises you and comes into your house disrespectfully. Also stop going to family activities with the ex and her new partner, this is just a crazy scenario and conflicts are bound to happen
He entered your house unbeckoned? WTF?
That was the perfect opportunty to utilize the home defense fire arm and end the problem.
When DW kicked the SpermIdiot to the curb for cheating on her when SS was less than 1yo my FIL made it clear to the Spermidiot that he would not set foot on my IL's property. Their property was a farm. FIL was an award winning competitive marksman. The first time the Spermidiot parked across the street and walked to the end of their drivceway he made the mistake of stepping onto the driveway. FIL put a bullet very near the Spermidiots feet from a couple hundreds yards away. Never again did the Spermidiot cross the street. Handover of then infant future SS was done on the opposite side of the road from my IL's property.
My FIL used to relish in telling that story. My DW would give him a smile and shake her head.
As for returning to your old life which was nothing but stress, unfulfillment and boring. Why do either? Why stay in a shit storm and why go back to being unfulfilled, stressed, and bored.
Why not take a do over, leap into a new life of adventure and live that. When you least expect it, a love for the ages will find you. One without the drama and baggage your life now revolves around.
At least that is how it worked out for me after my divorce. I went back to school, reconnected with the man I liked being, met an incredible woman, and never looked back. It was not all immediate. I spent a few years on me, worked with a therapist who was worth her weight in gold, reconneced with mountain biking, camping, hiking, 4X4 adventuring, shooting, and completed my engineering degree.
It is okay to live well. It is okay to invest in you. it is okay to tolerate no bullshit from anyone including yourself.
Take care of you.
I am so tired, and my self
What was it about your old life that was stressful, unfulfilling, and boring? If you went into this situation from that "space," I can see how you could become a target (NOT that that is excused. . . predator types LUVVVV unhappy people with low self esteem).
I would strongly suggest you see a therapist. You need to regain your sense of self-worth BECAUSE OF YOU--not placing it on others or their behavior toward you.
If this in any way helps you: After I left my ex (very isolating existence), I felt I had to start from the ground up. It was lonely and difficult. One of the first things I did was started going to the gym (endorphins are magic, and getting fit feels great). I moved to another state by myself. It wasn't easy. But I started taking exercise classes there and met a few lifelong friends in class. I also found a good therapist and got very serious about it.
I was always that person who people looked at as "kindness = weakness." I had to change how I appeared to people--not that I became mean. I became more self assured, more my authentic self. I learned to set boundaries with people. I delved into interests that were very important to me.
Life did not become perfect. It is never perfect.
But finding one's self worth is . . . almost magic. You deserve to uncover who you are and tap into that incredible being. She is there!
It never ends unless we end those who perpetrate it.
Which is why I do not tolerate any crap. I'm a once and destroy person. They do it once, I end them. They know better than to try it again. Ever. Though those types often do try it again and then whine and cry about how mean I am.
Not that I enjoy it. But it is humorous to me. Kind of like watching a flying bug repeatedly bump into a window thumping away over and over and over again while experiencing the same result repeatedly.
Kinda funny.
It works great.
I love how rude people and
I love how rude people and abusive-types get so p.o.ed when you back them up. It's as if they feel betrayed because they learned that YOU are not the person/doormat they hoped you were! How dare you be a nice person who sets boundaries, you fraud! LOL. I've seen that look of shock and betrayal before--of course, it was my fault and I'm a bad person for saying, "No" or "No more."
Years ago, at a new job, I was handed a fraudster employee to supervise. She pretended to be an expert in a very specialized area and had been working on a project for 2 years, not letting anyone see her progress (they allowed this!). I began setting deadlines for when we would review her results. Finally, I was able to see the project, and she had done less than 2% of what was expected. I also learned at the time that she was doing consulting work for other companies while working for us, getting paid double. I gave her one month to complete the project, and when she didn't, I fired her. SHE accused me of being a fake and a fraud because I had been nice to her and then fired her when I learned she had taken two years' worth of salary for doing nothing.
I have had a couple of those in my 30yr career.
Not my direct report, though the worst I have seen is when during a build out on a manufacturing facility a night shift tech built a false wall in a product staging area. He would show up for his shift, go to the shift kickoff meeting, go to his work location, at first break he would be in the break room. Then ...... he would do to the product staging area, open a false return air register, go into his secret room, he had a papasan chair, TV, small refrigerator, and a desk in there so he could reply to email via his lap top. He would then go to the last break and go back to his work location for last couple of hours of the 12hr shifts.
This went on for years.
His secret room was about 4ft wide and 20ft long.
When discovered, they fired him and did not prosecute or anything. They did not want the negative publicity.
I also have had two bosses, executives, who got shit canned for crazy crap. One lived on his company credit cart for years. The first time he was called on it the company jerked a knot in his tail and waived the balance. The second time, they ran him out on a rail though never broadcast the situation. They did not want the negative publicity.
The second was batshit crazy and in a shit storm of a marriage to a batshit crazy DW. They had been separated for 18+ years. He still supported her and their 3 dead beat adult children sending 100% of his pay to his noxious wife. I had been hired for a major role. He was an internal candidate who had played games about taking the role so they cut their loses and hired me. The day I started they pulled me in and informed me that he had chosen at the last minute to take the role. He was VP level and had been part of an acquisition when our company had bought the company he had been with for an extended duration. So, they created a role for me though we were peers and reported to the same Sr Exec. Though in reality my role reported to his role.
It got weird quick. He had bandaids on his hands and forearms. Every day, a new bandaid in each of the specific locations. It took nearly 2yrs for the mistery of the bandaids to be revieled. His phone would buzz and he would immediately walk out of meetings with client mid presentation. Since I had built all of the data and often even the slides I took over. More often than not, he would not return. Sometimes for days.
He lived off of his perdiem since his entire income went to his F'd up family. He came pounding on our door in the middle of the night one night demanding to us my work phone, he claimed his did was not working, and he also pressured me to take his local currently and send is wife a check for $USD. I let him use my company phone but declined to take his money or send his wife a check.
She had obtained the email data base for our company and for our client's company and would send these seething emails about him to a massive DL included the CEO of our company and the client companies. Those emails would expound on his cheating, how much of a loser he was, how he was starving his (adult) children and his wife, etc, etc, etc.
On a several hour road trip to a client site and then back the next day he bared his soul. I had seen what the bandaids were covering when he pounded on our door in the middle of the night. Tattoos. "Loser", "Cheater", "Scumbag", etc... That was her demand for him to show contrition. He had to get tattoos of whatever betrayal or infraction she perceived. He was a cheater. He was banging his company provided maid and a number of various indiginous lady office workers. This was an international assignment.
My email blew up when he was finally fired. This was not a young man. He was in his late 50s at the time. He would disappear for days or even weeks and I would get calls from all levels of our company and the client company trying to hunt him down. He cost the company that business. Fortunately I was on to a different role in another country before it all imploded.
Not my direct reports, but the most egregious examples I have experienced.
Whoa! I don't know why
Whoa! I don't know why anything surprises me anymore!