I think SD15 moved out for good
Backstory: SD15 lives with us the majority of the time. Technically it's 50/50, but BM moved to a different town in 2020 & DH never got the CO updated. SD attended the high school in our neighborhood and would see BM on the weekends only (and sometimes not even every weekend). No child support on either side. Something else DH never got updated.
Fast forward: DH has been having his fair share of issues with SD over the last couple of years, but REALLY ramped up recently. Accusing me of stealing, calling DH a deadbeat, taking alcohol, sneaking out at night, etc.
He got her final 9th grade report card over the weekend. Straight D's except French (failed). Originially it was circled "retained" but then was changed to "promoted based on state exam" and passed Math by the skin of her teeth. DH called to tell me all of this (I was visiting my parents).
Low and behold, a few hours later, SD15 sends DH a letter via text message. I thought about cutting and pasting here honestly, but I won't go that far. SD15 said "I don't want to live with you anymore." And went on to methodically list all of the things she does not like at our house and how horrible it is. I was sad for DH when I read it myself and I would be very hurt if my child wrote me that. Anyway, DH told me about the letter and said he was going to think things over since obviously her grades are in the toilet and needs to make sure she graduates so she can do something with her life.
I guess that wasn't enough for SD15 and she was getting angry that she wasn't getting an immediate response. A DAY later. So she sends DH another text just asking if he is home. BM drops off SD and she marches upstairs to her room. DH says hi, what's up, etc. She basically blows right past him. He asks her to go get pizza and she said "No, my mom is coming back in an hour to pick me up. I just needed to grab all my stuff."
Thankfully myself and DS are outside waiting in the car at this point. DH gave me the summary and basically told SD he didn't think what she was doing was okay. He told her he was thinking things over, but needed some time. So showing up at the house with GARBAGE BAGS to fill up clothes/stuff with was over the top. He said then SD started yelling and crying and he left. By the time we finished pizza and came back home, SD was gone.
She has been asking DH for years to move in with BM and to change schools. So I figured he was probably at his breaking point and she would end up moving in august/september. But to randomly show up to "get my stuff" and cause a dramatic scene was over the top. She even took shampoo bottles! It doesn't even seem like she wants to visit if she is cleaning house like that. I am glad DS4 didn't witness it.
**Fingers crossed DH will give BM the green light to do the enrollment paperwork at the new high school. It's about an hour away, so DH could still see SD15 on weekends if they wanted to. lI have a feeling those visits would be few and far between though.
I strongly suspect BM has boderline personality disorder and now I am convinced SD probably has it too, or some variation of mental health issues. The way SD manipulates EVERYTHING to her benefit is just wild. And scary at 15. **
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At that age.. sometimes it's
At that age.. sometimes it's not a bad thing to let them fafo. If BM is as you say.. then the honeymoon period is likely to be quite short. I would not be surprised if she doesn't want to boomerang back to you guys.. and I have a feeling that her fantasy of her life being perfect if she moves.. new school.. will be found to be a bit more difficult than she thinks it will be.
But who knows.. maybe a fresh start will be good for her.
I would not tolerate constant flip flopping.. but if she wants to try being with mom for a while.. then she is welcome to that.. though I think your DH should be communicating with his EX a bit more over his daughter.
Sounds familiar
We had the same thing multiple times. SD originally lived with BM but after a blowout, she moved here. Once the honeymoon was over and she ran up against rules, back to BM. Then back here another time. Basically, she escaped to the other parent whenever the water got too hot. Deep down, she really wanted to live with BM.
In your case, it's probably best to let her go. A new school will give her a new start and she probably wants to live with BM, anyway. Just be careful when their honeymoon wears off, she might be wanting to escape back to you. We should have backed up our BM rather than rescuing out "poor, defenseless" SD.
In
Did your SD switch schools
Did your SD switch schools everytime she bounced back and forth? Or was BM zoned for the same school anyway? Hoping since the distance between BM and DH is an hour minimum, it will help prevent the back and forth so much.
Can't recall
It's been so long, I cant remember. Somewhere along the line she began going to her boyfriends school usIng the boyfriend's father's address, she graduated from there. So, it wouldnt have mattered whether she was living in our BM's district.
This played out pretty much
This played out pretty much for us too... The skids always wanted to live with their mom, who encouraged it and always played our house as being bad. It's sad to watch. It seems like no matter how we tried they found fault and didn't want to come here.
I figured it was only a
I figured it was only a matter of time. However, I wasn't expecting the same level of drama from SD as BM. She refused to have a birthday dinner with DH and did not call to wish him a happy Father's Day. The level of animosity caught me off guard a little bit. It makes me sad for DH. SD15 is at an age where her actions are purposeful. When she was younger, DH gave her a benefit of the doubt and blamed BM for brainwashing. At 15 y/o, if you ignore your Father on purpose, that is a CHOICE that is being made IMO.
Sometimes these parents can
Sometimes these parents can alienate the kids pretty hard on the other parent. I do agree, the kids as they get older should have more accountability for their own actions and sadly they don't... Cause the other parent allows them to get away with poor choices. I think you can only blame others for so long and eventually you have to own up to decisions and actions. I would encourage him to keep reaching out and showing he loves her every so often. Despite her actions and words. My step kids didn't talk to their dad for months and eventually came around, it was certainly touch and go.
(No subject)
Lol, "I'm here to get my stuff."
"Umm, you are a minor, you have no stuff. Get out of my house and wait for your mother on the curb. You want to make adult decisions, you will bear adult results. Leave, don't come back, and good riddance."
See how she likes that.
And... when she turns 16, he should file for forced emancipation and turn up the heat on the burning platform she has built for herself.
I played this game with mny parents for about 5mins at 16yo. I had failed my first sophomore year of HS. My parents informed me that I had my chance at the school of my choice. After a ful hear of passing only one class, they informed me that I would go to a place that hey knew I would study. All summer I had a second sophomore year, this one at a military school, hanging over my head. We had dropped my younger brother off at summer camp. As mom, dad, and I waited for dad to board his flight back home overseas I informed them I would not go. Not a word was spoken in response for a few minutes. Dad grabbed his brief case, opened, pulled out the check book, wrote me a check for $500 and told me that I was 16, I did not have to go back to school, and to write when I found a place to live and had a job so let them know where I was and that I was okay.
I held that check for about 5mins. All three of us in silence. Then I handed it back and told them I would go.
Cocky little shit kids need their comeuppance. Some need it far more firmly than others.
Kids have parents for a reason. To make the adult decisions, and deal with difficulties when they arrive. Kids who have shown that they are incapable of using their heads, get no say. They get told.
I tried to assert myself, my parents had taught me to use my head. A kid asserting themselves inappropriately requires parents to parent even when the kid does not like it. Even when I was in the throws of teen brain fartitis what they had taught me was present and I used it to make a far better choice than I would have made otherwise. With an appropriate level of heat from my parents.