SDSTB13s "mood chart"
So, I have noticed on the days she was on restriction, she marked "depressed to the point of impairment". On the days she got what she wanted (Skyping friends all night, going to the basketball game, going to the dance, having friend over, going to mall with another friend) all 5 of those nights she had no "impairment", was happy, and marked "happy" or "normal".
If this was actual clinical depression, she wouldn't be wanting to go anywhere and would be sleeping more. She is CONSTANTLY wanting to have friends around and go go go entertain meeee. She only marks "depressed" when she doesn't get her way. One night she had to stay home and we watched a show in our room. She was GASP ALONE for three hours and no friends over. She marked "extreme depression and need" /rolleyes
One night, her friend told her and everyone that she was moving to Florida. SDSTB13 said everyone leaaaves her and she was "down" and we had to spend the evening watching TV with her or listening to her talk about her "problems" for two hours. The friend was not moving, but she went on and on about how all her friends are moving away and no one is eeever there for heeeeeer and she is always there for everyone aaaaall the time.
She PUSHES her way into people's business, then she gets mad if those people are not willing to sit and listen to her moan and complain all night long about some random problem she has.
I know there is something wrong with her, but there is no way this is clinical depression. This is attention seeking and sure she gets "down" but when I am "down" I lose interest in everything and struggle to function. When she gets "down" telling her you will give her something, take her somewhere, or let her do something with a friend and TADA she is not down any more.
Oh and she marks the highest level of anxiety for the days she doesn't get her way too. She also starts drama with different people constantly then laments all night about how everyone is mean to her. The teacher is out to get her and she has never done anything wrong, ever.
I listen, but I no longer give advice because she goes and does whatever she wants anyways. She LOVES talking to me about her problems; I don't mind if there is something real, but it's all bullshit. From now on, I am giving no advice just "aww pooooor baaaaby yeah they are so meeaaan" even though I know she probably started something. Ugh.
Last night, I let the dog on the couch in my lap. She bitched about that how I love on him and not her. This is an hour after she says she is dyyyying of flu or something because her throat hurts, her nose is stuffy and she is trying to stay within a foot of my face and she breaths and coughs right in my face (bad breath and germs) and I keep saying GET OUT OF MY FACE and she gets all huffy and snotty. Yes, I am 38-1/2 weeks pregnant; fuck me for being such a bitch and not wanting to be sick when I go in to labor!
She now has this "i am a bad ass" attitude that I am so fucking sick of too. She went to the facility for two weeks, now she "gotta kick soandso ass" and "they best watch out they don't know who they Fing wit (yes "wit") I mess dem (yes, "dem") up".
She is listed as "depression NOS". I would bet my house it is borderline personality disorder. I am somewhat familiar with it from work, but am researching it a little further to see how to put up with her and support her without just getting fed up to the point of leaving.
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Borderline is so difficult to
Borderline is so difficult to deal with. Both BM and SD are BPD. (Well, I shouldn't say that, SD is not yet 18, so her therapist calls it "Borderline tendencies". When she turns 18 she'll be officially diagnosed IF she goes back to therapy and her patterns have continued.) SD did well in therapy once we found someone she liked. A therapist that dances around issues will NOT help. They have to be straight forward, and sometimes brutally honest. Kissing your SD's ass is not going to help her, it will drag out the issues. And at some point you're going to have to look at her and say "the world does not revolve around you, and I am tapped out emotionally. Quit your nonsense and pull your shit together. You are clearly using emotional manipulation tactics with us, and I'm done with it. I cannot be solely responsible for you being happy or not. That's your own job." It's going to be a very tough reality check if you continue to coddle her.
Obviously now is not the time to make huge decisions and changes. There will be enough changes to deal with fairly quickly. In the meantime, though, educating yourself on BPD, how to disconnect from the drama, and stop walking on eggshells would be good. A couple books that were very helpful for our family are: "Stop Walking On Eggshells" (aptly named, yes?) and "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" (Kreger).
Thank you for the book
Thank you for the book suggestions. After reading more about it online, I would be shocked if my own mother didn't have it. She is cut off for being manipulative and abusive.
We try to be fair and listen but maintain consequences and expectations. It's really draining sometimes though. She seems to really like that we locked the medications up and have to hand them to her every night now.
On the GOOD side - she is making her OWN breakfast some mornings rather than crying to her friends at school and mooching chips from them because mommy (me) wouldn't feed her. Yes, I have slept in on day's DH works and told her she can very well get herself fed on her own, I didn't feel well. Besides, DH gets up with her and makes her breakfast every single morning he is home (three weekday mornings) so she has to eat a donut by herself two days a week. She doesn't like being by herself.
She was doing this stuff where she would fill a bowl full of milk literally...then sprinkle a couple spoonfuls of cereal on top then pour out all the milk in the sink cause she "didn't know how to make a bowl of cereal all by herself"..but she had many times before she just wanted us to feed her.
I don't fall for it. but it is still draining.
DBT is one of the best
DBT is one of the best treatment plans for BPD, hands down. I've known plenty of people who have BPD that languished in other forms of therapy before finding DBT.
I will definitely research
I will definitely research DBT. I know they will not diagnose her at 13 and we will have to deal with it with just Zoloft, but hopefully it will help me manage.
I do try to do for her how I
I do try to do for her how I wish was done for me as far as being consistent (she has consequences, but they are fair and not punished out of anger), listening, validating her feelings, etc.
I don't think we over-indulge her. Right now, she is still not allowed to spend the night at a friend's house because they don't have their medicines locked up of course. We started letting her go to the school games and dance this week, and of course she will have three girls stay here for her birthday Saturday. We CANT not have a birthday party for her this year or it will be "I didn't have a birthday party because of the baby" when I have had 10 kids over every year before for her and surprise parties etc. it is however toned down this year as I am 39 weeks pregnant as of the party date.
It is frustrating when she talks she always tries to turn things around. I call her out every time. She was telling the therapist that I was mad at her for just not telling me that she was dating this boy at school..and she was aaaffrraaaaid to tell me because I MIGHT not let her and how meeaaan everyone is not caring about her feeeelings and how her BFF stole him and kissed him while she was in the facility two weeks. --I VERY quickly gave the entire story that it was she was FORBIDDEN to date that boy because he was with her BFF and BFF was forced by parents to break up with him after BFFs dad caught her sneaking out and making out with the boy with his hand up her shirt. I told her she was NOT allowed to go out with him at all and the OBVIOUS reasons why. She did it anyways, snuck and lied about it. THen all the friends at school called her a bitch and a boyfriend stealer (she did it once before with another girl's boyfriend)= she is jealous of these girls and gets excited if their boyfriends flirt with her. She wrote all these notes where she was "in love" with him yeah after "going out secretly at school" for one week..
I called her out on that real fast and always do. I try to word it constructively rather than saying it ugly, but I corrected her every time she told the pity-me story altering reality.
This, too, however, is so freaking exhausting.
Something that both of our
Something that both of our therapists cautioned against is telling your family member that you believe they have a personality disorder. It is best to come from a professional, with you as the support group, not the leader of her diagnosis and care. With her being so young, it is very unlikely that a therapist is going to label her with anything other than a short-term issue, like depression. It's kind of a catch-all term, especially for patients under 18. If she fits the adult criteria, and it sure sounds like she does, then it's likely she'll be diagnosed at some point. However, be wary of using the term "borderline" or BPD with her. She'll very likely reject and be defensive about the diagnosis if she's heard you mention it, where as she may be more open to it coming from a professional.
The one major theme you are going to notice in researching BPD is boundaries. Boundaries are essential for your health and happiness. Learning key phrases that diffuse rather than detonate an outburst or destructive episode help immensely. Not letting her consume your very soul, or control you through guilt and exploitation of your love, is critical. I can understand wanting to leave. I really can. I'm so glad that I stuck it out though...and someday this will get better for your family. The outcome can't be known, but you'll make it. And right now, thank God you're so close to delivering!! I'm sure this pregnancy feels like it's lasted a lifetime for you.
OMG yes, definitely. I told
OMG yes, definitely. I told her she was exhibiting attention-seeking behavior and she went BCS. I had to sit her down and explain the term. She screamed and yelled and "you hate me and you don't care that I am dying inside you just think everything I do is fucking attention". Well..yeah..I do.
I cannot say anything about what I suspect to DH nor to SD.
DH really thinks she is completely innocent and stupid (he believed she couldn't make a bowl of cereal...he believes her when she says she didn't know how texts were sent from her phone at midnight...he believed her when she said she didn't eat half the box of donuts and they just disappeared and maybe Anna ate them...until he caught her with one donut in her mouth and one in her hand.
He believes she will not do anything naughty on the computer and guess who caught her talking to a stranger giving them her phone number? Yeah, me.
I mentioned borderline to DH, he said sounds more like you. No DH, I have bipolar-2 with episodes of varying degrees of depression. When I tried to kill myself it was with a whole bottle and no notes saying "if you loved me you would take me to the doctor and save me, but since you don't, just nevermind and I will just lay here and die alone"...seriously. Antacids and vitamins. Later found out she took ONE dose of antacids at 3pm and the second dose at 8pm lol, she didn't even take all four of those pills at the same time, then left us the "suicide note" at 8pm.
When I told her it was listed as "attention-seeking" she made a point to go downstairs that next day after the ER visit and bang around loudly in the medicine cabinet "looking for pain reliever for all her emotional pain", yet she was smiling when telling me this.
I listen to her, but I have told her repeatedly she is sucking all the reservoir of concern out of her friends with all her drama. Like an emotional vampire.
She IS a sweet, good kid, just draining right now.
Heck, my three yr old would
Heck, my three yr old would probaby answer that the same way. Kids don't like being told no, and it feels like the end of the world. I am honeslty suprised they would give a chart like that to someone so young....they have no perspective.
Ugh I know, and it is SO
Ugh I know, and it is SO OBVIOUS. She is smiling, enjoying herself then told no right before the mood chart and she marks "depressed and impaired", yet she ain't impaired in anything. She gets up every morning on her own with no problem at all. She rights her anxiety is 10/10 every day that she has drama.
She milks attention, pity, sympathy, and it's overwhelming.
Yes, most kids would answer
Yes, most kids would answer the chart questions similarly if they had been denied a cookie or outing with friends. The OP's SD has been taking her attention-seeking behavior to the extreme, and is certainly not acting like any normal kid. Her response to OP's impending birth has been to sabotage every good thing in her pregnancy, and "attempt suicide" by taking antacids.
The answers to her pre-counseling charts are indicative of SD's attempts to get her own way, no matter what the cost to OP, her unborn baby, and DH. Certainly not the first time SM's have had to deal with things like this (I am one of them), but that sure as hell doesn't make it "normal".