Update after changing the ticket
So, like I said I am documenting this whole mess I have been in so I can better analyze it after I get home to the good ol USA and also so I can hopefully help out someone else in the future who might be in a similar situation.
It has been just over 2 weeks since the meeting with BM, a few days after that I bought my plane ticket home and a few days after that I allowed FDH to change my ticket to stay here for another month.
After he changed it, we had another huge fight and I almost changed my ticket BACK to the original one. The fight was about the same crap. He said that I was controlling him by telling him that I would no longer tolerate BM's behavior and phone calls and invites to parties etc etc and that he only changed it all for me. I replied by saying the same thing I have said from the beggining, that I dont want him to do anything he doesnt want to do, if he likes the relationship with BM and her family so much he can stay that way- ALONE. During the argument he said that by not going to the party BM invited him to he was missing out on time with his daughter. I said that has nothing to do with anything, that he can see his daughter the next day and he also has his own family here that has their own parties. I said "You are using SD5 as an excuse to go" Well that comment really pissed him off, he told me he loved SD5 more than he loved anyone else in the world including me. We didnt really talk for a couple days.
Finally we had a calm and long talk and we decided to keep the new ticket and I am staying till next month.
Since then, things have been great between FDH and me. He has been treating me nicely, no fights, BM has stopped calling too many times(when SD5 is here FDH calls her once a day for SD5 to talk to her) They have (for the most part) stuck to the new schedule of Saturday thru Monday SD5 with us, other days with BM. I am keeping track of everything as best I can and will make my decision later.
One more thing, FDH has told me that after I leave he will also leave to take up a job offer in another country, and then there will wait for his american visa to come through...
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Yea, my thoughts exactly.
Yea, my thoughts exactly. Thanks for the well wishes, I will need them.
The fiance visa takes around
The fiance visa takes around 8 months to process, sometimes more. Rather than him waiting it out here and not making much money he is going to take a seasonal job offer somewhere else while he waits for it. BM and SD are staying here.
Yes it is a fiance visa which
Yes it is a fiance visa which requires us to get married 3 months within his arrival to the US, or else he isn't allowed to stay. There is a TON of paperwork involved and we have only finished and sent in the first part, now we are waiting for the Gov to reply. I will be back in USA by the time the next round of paperwork will have to be sent in, and I am hoping I will have a better grasp on things by then as to whether or not I should go through with it all.
I'm sorry, but
I'm sorry, but WHAT?!?!
You're still considering marrying this man????
Oh, my. First, you keep saying you don't want him to change his ways, but you DO. You want him changing to be/do/act the way you want him to. He has been CRYSTAL CLEAR that he sees no problem with the way things have been. You pushed, you "got your say" to the BM, you got rope-a-doped by MIL, you name it. You can, and will, drag this on for way too long. You're going to hope/think/believe that something will change/is going to be different.
Sometimes, people just aren't a good fit. I don't actually think that your BF/SO/Whatever is doing anything wrong. I don't think he's a bad guy, and I don't think there's any reason for him to change his ways.
I also don't think you're doing anything wrong. You want something he doesn't want. You aren't a bad lady. You guys just aren't compatible.
Why not choose to accept that and move forward?
So what happens to SD when he
So what happens to SD when he goes from country to country? I can see why he would want to see her any chance he got, seeing he seems to be living away from her, or planning to quite a bit.
He and BM probably have plans
He and BM probably have plans for him to get to the U.S. and then bring BM and SD over. Poor Lost will be discarded.
I agree. This whole situation
I agree. This whole situation is bad, and I don't think it is even at its worst yet.
The whole country hopping
The whole country hopping thing is kind of complicated I know!!
I'll try to briefly explain but FDH actually met BM while he was living and working abroad where he was for years(brazil is a third world country and jobs dont pay that well), and then they both moved back to brazil after SD5 was born.. He broke up with her because he "fell out of love". BM then got engaged to another guy from the first country and moved back to the first country. FDH took up a few different job offers in other countries which is where I met him. Then I advised him that it would be nice if he lived closer to his daughter and so we moved to where BM was, then SHE and her fiance broke up, BM came back to brazil, and FDH came and asked me to come with for a few months, also to meet his family and learn about his culture, language etc.
I was working in all the other places and I have just started teaching english here. But, yea, it is a big crazy mess and yes, I am NOW doubting his true intentions but I am not read to totally throw him under the bus and say that he is a visa craving asshole that doesnt give a damn about me..
I mean, we have been together for over year and have been in a bunch of countries, environments, situations together. Like, I just can't believe he was totally FAKING it the whole time, I mean what kind of a HORRIBLE person is capable of doing that to someone who loves them????
I don't think he's using you
I don't think he's using you for a visa, honestly. I think he was doing just fine a year ago before you came into the picture. I don't think he "needs" you.
I'm sure he loves you, or thinks he does.
You guys just don't work together.
And it's only been a year? Honey, honest to goodness, if things are this tough in the beginning, when things are supposed to be all lovey-rosey-happiness, what do you think it will be like years down the road??
He has said his plan is that
He has said his plan is that he wants his daughter to come stay with us every summer break of hers from school. I thought that was fine. I have known of lots of fathers who see their kids way less. He always sends his monthly CP and will continue to do so. Then when Sd5 is older, he has said if she wants to come stay with us for longer then she can. I also thought that was fine. BM has done the majority of the parenting from the get go and pretty sure thats the way its always going to stay regardless of any of the variables of the situation. He does care for her when we have her and I mean yea, I do all those things you mentioned above and yes, his position is way easier than say, crawling through the Mexican desert...
But at the end of the day maybe Stick a Fork is right and we are not compatible. We are compatible on many other levels which is why I have been fighting for this but I am not going to marry him if I get home and still feel its not right, and I will have plenty of time away from his sweet words and touch, etc so that I think I will be able to be more objective than I am able to right now.
I have a former neighbor from
I have a former neighbor from my military days that got kicked out of the AF. He then went on to teach English in 3rd world countries (even tho he is not a teacher). He bounces back and forth from Asia to South America and ironcially enough he is now in Brasil City or something like that, with a Brazilian girl.
He too left his ex and son here in the states and has not lived here since 2002. I feel bad for his son who he sees every other year or so for a few days.
I married my husband on a
I married my husband on a fiance visa and moved to the USA. Here is an idea of the time frame you will be looking at... 1 year for the change of status appointment. He then gets 2 conditional years temporary permanent visa THEN re-apply for removal of the conditional status. You are his sponsor for 10 yrs and if you divorce during this time and he stays in the USA you (as his sponsor) is still on the hook for any federal or state assistance he claims. He will get unemployment and it will come out of your pay. The only way you will escape it is if he dies, moves back to his home country, becomes an American citizen. In my daughter's case she married and my DH was off the hook for her sponsorship.
Seriously, if you have one tiny thought that this will not work out (and it seems you do) forget it. Don't pay the hundreds of dollars this will cost you over the next 10 yrs. I find it very odd he is willing to do ANYTHING to see his daughter including attending all the events he can even if his ex wife is there yet he is willing to move away for a job or another woman. I see him eventually blaming you because he misses out on seeing his daughter grow up. And he will either travel to see her all the time or let the resentment grow.
When I moved here my 15 yr old daughter came with me. My younger son was told he was coming over in 3 yrs. This was mutually agreed to by me and my ex. The life here is comparative to Australia (I am not from Australia but my ex is and lives there). There was no negotiation with any children. They were not given a vote. When you allow your minor children to make such serious decisions you only create a maelstrom of problems for the future.
In your situation I would move back to the USA and see what happens then. After every fight there is a period of calm until the status quo settles out again. Is it worth all this money when you know he has boundary issues with women in his past?
Were you allowed to work
Were you allowed to work right away when you arrived in the US? Or do you mean that it took a year for you after arriving to get your work permit? And do you mind me asking why you guys ended up getting divorced? And are you still in the US? Sorry for so many questions you can send me a private message if u prefer...
Yes I have thought about what if FDH comes back here to brazil by himself all the time to go to these stupid BM parties and "see his daughter" and whatnot.. I would NOT be ok with that. Like I said we had discussed and agreed that SD would come stay every summer with us until she gets older then maybe stay more if possible. I would be fine with that and I think thats fair for everyone involved.
I honestly dont really see BM ever moving to the US after thinking about it because she is VERY attached to her family and she is older than FDH and I (33) and doesn't speak any english, doesnt have any money, owns a (Ghetto ass) house here in brazil... Plus if FDH was really plotting to do that to me it would take YEARS to pull it off....
I have asked all these
I have asked all these questions at the embassy and also to other people who have also done the fiance visa and there are different answers depending on each situation, it varies a lot depending on what state you live in, your job, what country the fiance is from, etc, etc.. just wondering what this particular persons experience was.
he does have his own business so he would still be contributing from those funds too..
thanks for the advice, I will
thanks for the advice, I will definitely take it into consideration.
I was in a similar situation,
I was in a similar situation, living in the DR with my daughters father, and have since moved back to the USA with my little one...But I will never sponsor him in a million years for a visa, he can kiss my ass...
Excuse me Stepdown? Um, did
Excuse me Stepdown? Um, did you not see my last response to your last post regarding the visa? Obviously not, so I'll repost here so you can read it.
*************I have asked all these questions at the embassy and also to other people who have also done the fiance visa and there are different answers depending on each situation, it varies a lot depending on what state you live in, your job, what country the fiance is from, etc, etc.. just wondering what this particular persons experience was.
he does have his own business so he would still be contributing from those funds too..********
I am NOT looking for sympathy from anyone and I am NOT looking for a "excuse" to stay with a guy. I am simply responding to peoples questions here and explaining my INITIAL thought process as to why I decided to START the visa papers MONTHS AGO. Regardless of anything else and any other decisions I change my mind on, I would still have a lot of other paperwork to fill out for his visa to go through. IF I decide that I still want to. Like I have said from the initial blog post, I am documenting how everything is going now so I can make my decision once I get home and can think more clearly.
As I also stated earlier, my Mother married my foreign father and did his visa for him, so I do have personal references on the matter. (They have been happily married for more than 30 years).
I am on this forum to get other peoples opinion from their own personal experiences and thats why I have asked the previous poster about hers. You have no knowledge on my knowledge of the law, obviously if I took the time to fill out the 20+ pages of the visa initial paperwork properly, I must know something according to the government.
I appreciate your input here
I appreciate your input here on this, and I really do appreciate this site because I only put up with the BM and BM's family and FDH behavior in the beginning because everything was so weird for me and I was just thrown in and felt helpless and clueless and overwhelmed. I wasn't expecting any of this and was not prepared to deal with it, especially out of my own country and element. A lot of people on here have given me SO much strength to even consider leaving. I don't think I would have on my own and I already feel like I'm in a way better place than I was a month ago.
Its always harder when you are the one going through something, its easy for outsiders to judge and advise and say I should just leave and I'm making poor choices and I'm being ignorant. But my reality is that over a year ago I met a nice and seemingly perfect guy, fell in love with him, had a lot of amazing times with him was romantically proposed to and accepted, was invited to come to his exotic home country and meet his family and then after that was brought into this whole scary mess. Of course you are right leaving is not my first choice, we have been together and making plans and living together and traveling together and loving each other and planning to spend our lives together.
My other rationale lately (although its probably REALLY crazy talk) is that doesn't everyone have some kind of problems in their lives??? I mean who's to say that if I leave FDH then the next guy isn't going to have a jealous sister or needy parents or money problems or is a cheater or has health problems or whatever else is out there that could potentially also cause ongoing stress for the relationship??
Anyways I'm just saying THANKS for your responses and I AM reading everything and I AM taking it all into consideration.
ps- You are also right that it has kind of turned into some twisted battle that I have been set on winning but I am becoming more aware of the real reality of it all and once I get home I am really anticipating my own epiphany. And I am also always reading all these posts about the older Skid problems which helps me lean more towards the breaking it of when i get home option.
Yes you did get your point
Yes you did get your point across I believe. I hear what you are saying. If and when I do end this relationship it wont be the first time I will have left a man that I loved because he wasnt right for me. I know its hard and it sucks but I have yet to regret any of my previous decisions.
He is a selfish jerk and I probably have been wasting my time, its just really hard to come to terms with that. And then the thought of getting in another relationship after this one makes me want to puke. I just feel like I never can find the right guy, and I always try so hard to make it work. I really really thought this guy was the one and its so hard to just forget all of the beautiful memories and future plans we have made...
Im just so freaking frustrated!!!! I feel like I am banging my head against a wall.
Do you ever regret leaving your first love? And do you feel like your husband is really a better match for you?
You are so on point with that
You are so on point with that about me, that I am ALWAYS in a relationship, even when I am "single" I am always at least casually dating somebody. My friends and family have pointed that out to me before as well, I just feel like people are supposed to find a mate and procreate and spend their lives together, so Im kind of always looking for "the one".. This is the second time ive been engaged like my 6th long term serious relationship so I am probably overly eager to get married..
Thanks again for your in depth response and advice, I am taking it to heart and it does help me try to imagine what my future would really be like with FDH and its not a pretty picture.
Until I go back home in a couple weeks I am just going to keep praying, keep documenting everything and keep reading things on this site!
I disagree about the marrying
I disagree about the marrying someone from another country because, as Ive said here before, my mom married my foreign dad and they have been together for more than 30 years and are happy. I think there is a BIG problem though marrying someone from a country that you don't really like or arent comfortable in. Because, yes there is ALWAYS going to be the possibility that that person is going to want to return home at the very least for vacation and possibly to live. I truly thought I was going to LOVE Brazil before I ever came here but I was very unpleasantly surprised. Im not going to say that I hate it here and I know this is a huge country and there are tons of cities but in this particular city I could NEVER raise kids or live long term, its so dirty and very 3rd world country-esq.
As for the visa, he didnt mean for me to lie and say we were still in a relationship for him to still get the visa, I would NEVER consider doing that. Im not defending him because I still think it was TOTALLY out of line for him to bring up the visa in any way shape or form while we were supposedly breaking up, but he said to cancel it if I wanted to but to not call the government and say bad things about him and ruin his chances of ever even coming to visit.
But yes, he has enough baggage to fill a commuter jet and yes I am really betting on the fact that once I get home I will "wake up and smell the coffee".