Poor SM

DD's bio-dad refuses to speak to me. I'm not sure why. Other than establishing paternity and getting an order for CS (in the measly ammt of $38/week), I've never done anything to him. I'm sure he doesn't like me; I get that, but he could at least pretend to be an adult and respond on the very rare occasion that I do contact him.

So, back in Oct. of last year, bio-dad said he finally wanted to have something to do with BD and wanted her to visit on Spring Break. To say that I was skeptical is an understatement, but I went along with this. Told him it was fine, but I needed finalized plans about a month before Spring Break since we live states apart. He said that'd be fine and let me know.

Since then, we've had two interactions regarding DD's dental. She is badly in need of braces, and he's supposed to pay half. Both exchanges were regarding this issue. Both times, his wife, not he, responded to me.

So, there is a little less than a month left now until Spring Break, and I haven't heard from him. I sent him a message on FB and cc'd his wife since he apparently expects her to mediate all exchanges. True to form, he has not spoken, messaged, or called me about this; it's all been left up to the SM. And, apparently, he didn't even let her know he had agreed (back in October when he was willing to talk to me) to take DD over SB. And, he has made absolutely no plans or efforts to make this happen. SM has said that "they" would love to have her, but this is really short notice. The cheapest flight she can find is $245, and she's not sure she can save up the money by then (he doesn't work).

So now, I'm in a conundrum. I feel like my initial suspicions were correct, and bio-dad never had any true intentions of seeing DD. He told no one and saved nothing. DD, on the other hand, is really looking forward to meeting bio-dad and her half sister. My initial thought was to offer to pay half the plane ticket, but my family doesn't have much disposable income each month, and in order for this to happen, I would most likely need to foot half the airfare bill. Also, bio-dad pays child support despite the order. And in addition to all the financial concerns, I'm worried about how bio-dad will treat DD. I feel his attitude towards DD is beyond indifferent; he has to know that telling her she can come stay with him and meet her half sister, and then dropping the ball will really hurt her, but that's exactly what he expected to happen. -OR- he expected that his wife and I would somehow work out a solution to the mess he made at the last minute.

I just don't know! I'm beyond torn on this situation. Sage advice, please!

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Comments

"I feel sorry for every woman

"I feel sorry for every woman whose life this man touches... you, your child, his wife, their child together. He sounds like a true piece of crap person."

This exactly; thank you for extrapolating that from my jumbled up mess of a post. My OP morphed as I was writing it since I'm pretty emotional about the whole thing right now. I originally meant it to be about how SM is the mother of three kids. Her DD, their shared DD, and the bio-dad, and how everyone else has to clean up after him, even SM who had nothing to do with it.

Thank you ladies. I was

Thank you ladies. I was already leaning in that direction anyway. It would almost feel to me like sending DD in to a situation that would ultimately hurt her more. I still plan to let her go if bio-dad can come up with the transportation costs or comes to get her, or whatever; at least that would show an effort. But I think that if I make something happen that he didn't really want to happen, in the end it will all blow up on, and DD will be the one at ground zero.

Sounds like a good solid

Sounds like a good solid plan, make getting DD out there her dad's responsibility. He isn't paying CS, so, you shouldn't be expected to foot the cost of transporting her out there, too. When it comes to my own situation, SO and GUBM split the cost 50/50. He pays to get SD out here, she pays to get SD home.

And it sounds like you're a good and supportive parent to your DD and that you will help her work through anything crappy that arises if her dad can't live up to the promise of having her visit.

I guess my initial thoughts

I guess my initial thoughts were: If he doesn't have $245 to fly her out there - how in the HELL is he going to afford to feed her? What happens if she gets hurt while he's there and has to pay an emergency room co-pay? How will he take her to do anything meaningful? I know that money isn't everything - but he can't even afford HIS life - much less afford to take on a child with him for a 1-2 week visit. He doesnt work. AND, as stepmoms, we should all know "not my kid - not my problem." Do you expect the stepmom to take on the expenses?

I would say you have a really honest conversation with your daughter and say that you know her dad probably really wants to meet her, but he didn't save up the money to buy her ticket. Then, make sure she knows how much you love her and support her having a relationship with him... even if that didn't go as planned this time.

"Do you expect the stepmom to

"Do you expect the stepmom to take on the expenses?"

No, I don't. I naively thought that since he is now married and has seemingly settled down that perhaps he had matured into someone other than the person I used to know. At least that's what I'd hoped for DD's sake. But it seems he is the same lazy, manipulative, broke liar he was over a decade ago.

Anyway, since she said she wasn't sure if she could save enough money by then that either she assumes she should because, afterall, isn't that what a good wife does? (gag) or that he just out right asked her and she agreed. She's very young and from a small community in the deep south; I doubt *she* realizes that she shouldn't be financially responsible. Heck bio-dad talked her into putting DD on her medical insurance (at her expense) to defray his share of DD's medical and dental expenses, and then refused to pay.

When I re-read - I realized

When I re-read - I realized how my comment came across. I know you're a SM too, so that you *wouldn't* expect that of your DDs SM either. I was just saying... if your daughter gets there - her father could be a total lazy waste of space and the SM finally has enough - and your daughter ends up being treated like shit. I wouldn't risk it. If he can't step up and save $250 bucks then he doesn't deserve to see her.

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