The aftermath - Birthday Weekend - Pics to BM..
So. I know it's wednesday but I've taken a few days to just think.
So many of you gave me advice and I wish I could thank everyone individually for support, recommendations, perspective, for all of it - THANK YOU!! You all truly keep me sane.
So anyway. I ended up coming clean to BF about seeing his txts with BM and how he sent her pictures of the kids while they were having fun with US on OUR cruise. He got so mad at me - madder than he has ever been at me because I asked him a question when I knew the answer and so that resulted in me "setting him up". I honestly didn't take him for a liar so I thought that was my work around for not having to tell him i looked in his phone. I did not intentionally think "I'm going to set him up". So whatever.. He told me that BM sends him pictures and he sends her pictures - they both do it and its "common courtesy"...whatever i do not have kids so I don't understand this. My mentality is that, when you divorce, you're done. You don't need to think "oh BM would love this pic, its so cute" and then send it to her. It's not like the kids asked for him to send pics, he does it on his own.
But anywho - I stayed out Friday night celebrating my 30th with my gal pals and he has a poker game at home. He was still playing poker by the time I got home so i just went to bed. We never talked about it after that - in fact we didn't talk to eachother until we got in the car heading to the shooting range...he started this insignificant chatter that i gave curt replies to. After we shot the gun at the range we magically felt a little better and then just never talked about the pictures thing again.
Saturday night I went to my birthday party thrown by my parents. I had a GREAT time..it was so fun and the food was phenomenal! When I got home I asked BF how his son's cub scout crossover ceremony was and he said THERE WAS NO CEREMONY!!!!! He said it got cancelled 3 days prior because a lot of the parents has PRIOR COMMITMENTS!!! WTF BF!! I was going to let it go, he took me out for my birthday Thursday night, got me a beautiful necklace..really..he did a good job - but I just couldn't get passed why he wouldn't have come! So I asked him. He said that he has a prior commitment to help cook the HAM & BEANS..I asked him where was BM, oh she was there also cooking. GRRRRR!!!!!!! I just walked away...I couldn't even believe it. He doesn't get it - he doesn't SEE that he makes me 2nd priority. GRRR!! But whatever..F him. I had a great night with my family and that's all that matters.
Oh and on Sunday, BF had his mom and sister & hubby over for cake as a mini celebration for me because they all went to the cub scout fundraiser and his mom asks me what my parents got me for my birthday. I said that they threw me the party and she GASPS and says "they threw you a party??" *outer body moment* Are you F'ing kidding me?! You KNEW about my party..you're the one who told BF NOT to go to my party and to go to the cub scout dinner instead!!! OMG she can be SOOOOO FAKE!! My BF afterwards even said to me that he told her about my party the night before...
such a drama queen - so fake.
So YA..in a nutshell, all the fighting and drama is overwith...we had talks among talks..did anything change? NOPE..
that's just how this thing goes..
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How often does he send her
How often does he send her pictures?
And are they just pictures of the kid....or of you guys and what you are doing? If its an occasional candid shot of SS then I wouldn't worry about it too much. But anything that includes you or him or anything personal is a big no no. Or frequent pictures is a no no.
Heck, I didn't text more than a few pictures to dh last summer when I went to visit my mom without him for two weeks last summer. The boys were only 3 and 2 months old and I sent maybe a pic of each of them every other day....and he's my husband. I rip him a new one if he ever was photo texting my skids moms....but we haven't heard from them in years so that'd be really out of left field for us.
It was just pictures of the
It was just pictures of the kids. Which I guess is why I've let this go.
I don't think anyone understands that it makes me feel like an outsider - that the fact he has a child with another woman is like this ultimate connection that he needs to share things with her about the kids even after they divorce, after she cheated on him, stole money from him, continuously gives him HELL anytime he needs to ask for a compromise in ANYTHING.
SHE and HE together are to blame. They even went so far as to talk on the phone at christmas time about how the kids were going to buy them gifts and then THEY TOGETHER decided that I would buy gifts from the kids for him and her BF would buy the gifts from the kids to give to her. WHO DOES THAT?!!?!?
You are seriously just
You are seriously just letting this go as if it didn't happen?
He got mad at YOU for SETTING HIM UP?
So, in his mind HE had every right to LIE?
He cooked a meal with BM and ditched your birthday party.
I don't know what to say really.
^^This. I'm sorta speechless
^^This. I'm sorta speechless myself
Yeah, me too. There is no way
Yeah, me too. There is no way I would take this kind of crap. Absolutely not.
I put up with a lying,
I put up with a lying, cheating, controlling, jealous, emotionally, verbally and physically abusive man for 8 long years. I don't put up with much of ANYTHING anymore!
I agree. OP, you are the one
I agree.
OP, you are the one who keeps letting him off the hook. This is in no way acceptable, unless you are willing to always be second place in his life.
Does it hurt the kids if your DH didnt send the pics? Nope.
Does it hurt BM if DH doesnt send the pics? Nope, if she doesnt get any, how does she know there were any to send?
Does it hurt DH to NOT send them? Nope.
Does it hurt you that he does, and have you told him? Yes, and Yes.
So it is ok for him to continue hurting you in regards to something that bothers you, when it really doesnt matter all that much to anyone else.
Think about that.
really good point. thanks I
really good point. thanks I def need to remember this! Would be good to point out to him. thank you!!!:)
I know. It's all BS..and I'm
I know. It's all BS..and I'm not feeling "all is well"..
I just don't know what else I can do. I don't want to drag this out and fight forever. he is a dense man..he doesn't understand at all what he does and how it affects me. Even if i try to explain it to him..he is just so stuck in the dad role. Sending his kid's mom cute pics of THEIR kid is totally fine to him. Blowing off my 30th for the "annual ham & bean dinner" is totally OK because he does it every year; it doesn't matter to him that his EXW is also there, also cooking... it's all about his son. He did take me out to dinner on my actual birthday and...as he says..."i spent a lot of money on your necklace." as if I should now owe him an apology for getting mad that he blew off my party, just because he spent a lot of money (he apologized for saying that to me after. He said he knows I'm going to hold this over his head for a long time and it will be a long time before things get back normal... (In my mind...I'm wondering why then did he still decide to go off to the fundraiser dinner if he thought all of this? - priority issue??? hmmm?????)
I do not know how to get through to him - because after all..he looks at me as the childless one...the one who "doesn't understand what it is like to have a son".
This was my face --> I
This was my face --> :jawdrop:
I cannot BELIEVE that he stood you up for this damn party that he KNEW meant so much to you. Sounds like he is still holding a torch for BM because SHE sure seems to be more important than YOU are!
Snooping in someone's phone
Snooping in someone's phone is never a good idea. I can't think of a single scenario where this has turned into a good thing.
I wouldn't stress about the pictures. I think it's exactly what AnaR said above; it's not about him and BM having some sort of ongoing secret relationship, it's about trying to establish a working co-parenting rapport.
Our BM ALWAYS asked for pictures of the skid when they're with us. DH will send a random one here and there. She does the same when they're with her. There's no motive, short of trying to show you're a good parent and not trying to keep the other parent completely alienated from what the kids are up to while they're with you. Skids will likely tell her anyway.
I honestly believe BM does it because she wants to "prove" to DH that the skids are happier with her.
AnaR - the thing is, BM is
AnaR - the thing is, BM is not a peach. She is the most difficult person on this planet I have ever come across. So the fact that BF has a "cute pic" of his son and he needs to send it to BM is beyond ridiculous for me. She is never willing to compromise, never willing to talk rationally and calmly. Expects BF to pay for 1/2 of everything when he gives her CC money (and they have 50/50). She charged him the money his SD18 would have made bussing tables on the friday night she couldn't work because she was on the cruise with us. She is just INSANE and not easy. So why does he feel the need to cater to her? So he can get a pic of his kid when he camps with his mom and her BF? it's not like he never sees his son..he is with us EVERY OTHER DAY..literally!
But I'm just dumb because "I don't have kids..and wait until I have kids someday - then I'll know" uugghhhhh...
It does bother me that he lied - and really spun the whole thing on me for going in his phone and "asking a question i knew the answer to". about the lying?? Oh he didn't "lie" per se...he had just forgotten he did it. :?
"A women is like the cops,
"A women is like the cops, she may already have all the evidence in the world - but she still wants a confession"
Thats what my BF said, he was mad that I "set him up" and that somehow magically made me feel in the wrong and it took all focus off the fact he lied.
oh well..I feel better about telling him I looked in his phone - clears my conscience..
and YA...i was pretty upset about him STILL blowing off my bday party to go cook ham & beans with his ex for the fundrasier..AND that he didn't tell me the ceremony got cancelled 3 days prior. He does that "lieing by omission" thing...which kinda actually makes me wonder..what else doesn't he tell me? How often does BM txt him, give him hell, demand I pick up her kids (which then BF will ask me as if it was his idea and he is asking for the favor - doesn't happen a lot...I'm blowing that one up LOL)
This is why I feel like an outsider...engagement has been on my mind for a long while now..last night he brought up engagement proposal planners and how "funny" they were..bla bla bla...It makes me kinda nervous that he is going to propose when I feel like I'm faced with a crossroads! I don't want to marry him and live being 2nd priority to his son and having to deal with BM forever.... :sick:
HE is not going to change. It
HE is not going to change. It is up to YOU to decide that you are worth MORE..then either DEMAND it from him or find someone who is worth it.
^^^100% Agree
^^^100% Agree
Maybe that's the problem...I
Maybe that's the problem...I expect instant change once I've expressed how i feel.. (says the Angel side of me)
But then I just want to smack him upside the head when he takes what I say..and then just stops telling me about when BM txtversations him; when changes come up in schedule; when he commits to spending 3 of our 4 "no kid" nights during the month at a kid event. (thursdays during the week, I still get EOW
) all because it is for his son11 - his "baby" :sick: . (says the Devil side of me)
But isn't that how a relationship is supposed to work? You talk about differences and then fix them? Not talk and talk and talk and then just continue on with how you want to do things? BAAAH!! I'm 30, I want a family of my own, I want to be married...I don't have time to spend working out this dynamic..what if its not meant to work?!?!?
Honey you NEED to keep
Honey you NEED to keep checking his phone, etc. but eventually you will find enough crap to convince you to leave this asshole.
So many women feel they can't leave until they have "proof" of wrong doing that will stand up in court. Wrong. You can leave for any reason. Lying is one good damn reason. Maintaining a relationship with bm is another deal breaker.
It is not fiar of him to
It is not fiar of him to expect you to "deal" with his friendship/relationship as it is with his ex. How would he like it if you were attending events and texting with one of your exes. I doubt he would like it at all. And of course we all know his excuse would be "but it's different, we have the kids in common (BM and he)." we'll I'm sorry but having kids does not make you more special than any of the rest of us and it is just a commonly accepted excuse in our society for people to have unfair dynamics in relationships.
Do you ever get to that
Do you ever get to that "beyond pissed" point where you've just been pissed about so much for so very long that you can't be pissed anymore? I mean like, I don't have the energy to be pissed and start another talk with him.
it makes me feel like a nag; like I'm the annoying one who "always wants to talk".. but I can't help it if he's just too stupid to recognize he's acting like a douchebag.
I can understand your
I can understand your frustration, but by not addressing and validated your feelings (meaning changing his actions) he is showing that you are not priority for him. You are being way more understanding than many by even understanding that he talks to this woman. My advice to you is, actions speak louder than words. If your tired of being the jealous one who always wants to talk, than make him the jealous one. Give him a taste of his own medicine. You have already tried to talk and resolve the mature and caring way, and it did not work. I would do what he is doing, stop showing him you care about his actions and do your own, when he says something about, reveal the comparison and then maybe he will see how exactly it was that he made you feel. If this doesn't work it just shows that he is uncompassionate and not willing to compromise.
I've joined a yoga studio. I
I've joined a yoga studio. I don't want to throw it in his face, or be able to use as a crutch the fact that I moved to him and gave up A LOT for this relationship. I moved..I made the decision..so now I'm doing something for me on my time since he doesn't value OUR time...it's HIS time and MY time..so I've signed up for classes on the Tuesday nights that we have no kids together..he spends thursdays at his kid's activities... so now we will only get EO Saturday and Sunday together... not great in my eyes..but else am I to do? lol I'll just more fit and when I can't take anymore, I'll be all super skinny and hot to move on to the next man who wants to put me first
LOL
Yes! Fill your life with a
Yes! Fill your life with a lot of things that make you happy and better you. Soon you will have the confidence to either demand what you need from him or walk away if he cannot give it to you. Once you feel strong enough try and talk to BM in a very rational and demanding way about the problem and what you need form him. Be prepared to walk away, if he loves and trusts you thence will follow.
He got mad at YOU for SETTING
He got mad at YOU for SETTING HIM UP?
So, in his mind HE had every right to LIE?
He cooked a meal with BM and ditched your birthday party.
^^^ This.
You cannot control his anger but I would not be so quick to let him blow this off. And I don't buy the common courtesy crap either.
Him not attending your party but hanging out with BM would be totally unacceptable to me. I don't care how many dinners or beautiful necklaces he gave me.
You are right he is treating you like his 2nd priority.
But you sound like you are ok with that as long as you have something else to do.
He puts me 2nd no matter how
He puts me 2nd no matter how many times i try to talk to him about it. He doesn't believe he puts me second..he says i am very important to him... :O Actions speak louder than words, buddy... actions show I'm 2nd. --but try telling him that..that just puts "unnecessary pressure on him"
I joined yoga because I need something to chill me out..i stress and focus too much on BM..and the kids..and how unfair shit is.. I just want to not focus on that and focus on me instead.
I am sorry and I am saying
I am sorry and I am saying this with sympathy because my DH is one as well, but your BF sounds like a real narcissistic prick. He made this about him, he deflected attention away from wht he did wrong, refuses to take the blame and instead projects it on to you, he only sees how this affects him not you, he has no trouble putting you last and expecting you to be ok with it and if you aren't you are putting pressure on him, read up on Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
He is so lucky to have you.
He is so lucky to have you. The fact that you shared your vacation with his kids is extreamly generous of you. That is not an easy thing to do. Maybe you are being too understanding. Start to give less and maybe his expectations about what to expect from you in regards to the kids and BM will lower. This way you can start to train him on what is acceptable and what is not.
His behavior towards you is
His behavior towards you is abusive IMO. I know that's a harsh word but that's how I feel. Never mind about the ethics of snooping in his phone. He should have password locked it. The biggest problem I see here is you don't trust him at all. And rightfully so.
And I'm getting a weird vibe from this guy's behavior. Maybe it's just paranoia but if he hasn't locked his phone even after you snooped I wonder if he's sort of hoping you'll see his texts to BM. And it almost seems he wanted to make you feel like second place by telling you he was with BM on your birthday. I don't know, I could be projecting my own past problems onto yours.
Whatever, this man is a first class jerk and you deserve better. I dated a guy like this once. It was hard but I left him and never looked back.
He has a passcode on it -
He has a passcode on it - that he told me.. he hasn't changed the passcode to my knowledge..i haven't tried to go on his phone since, though.
I don't want to be one of those delusional girls who thinks their jackass BF is really a Knight in Shining Armour.
That was my an ex from my past. Yeesh so glad that is over! lol and learned a lot about controlling BF's...
i think he is just dumb, and stubborn, and wants to live life the way it was when he was married - ie, have kids everyday, gloat about how cute they are with their mom..go to every event and activity..etc. But he is trying to accomplish that in a new relationship. He expects I want to put his son first, that I love his son...that I should already understand and accept that "parents" don't get time alone.. Well I am not a parent..I told him already I get his leftover time..he scoffed at that..but seriously I do. I only get time with him when his son is either with his mom or he is playing with friends..
And men that are masters of
And men that are masters of the lie of omission are the most dangerous kind.
^^^ THIS. I experienced this with my EX.
I agree with Oldone keep checking his phone. Set up an online cell phone account so you can have access to his phone and text records.
That way you don't have to even look at his phone just get online and check it out.
Lola I don't want you to feel
Lola I don't want you to feel that we're attacking you, but seriously, you need to handle this business sooner than later.
Flat out tell him the deal "Either I AM NUMBER ONE in your life AT ALL TIMES or I am NOT going to be IN your life."
YES, his relationship with his children is important. NO, he doesn't need to have ANY TYPE of relationship with their mother.
They can discuss pick ups and drop offs and changes in schedules. If he wants to be NICE and give her pictures he can ask YOU to please be so kind to upload some pics onto a DVD so that the SKIDS can have photos of their vacation. GIVE THE DVD to the SKIDS, so THEY can pass it off to BM.
He doesn't need to be texting her ass for SHIT.
This would be a real problem for me. I put a stop to that crap between my DH and BM and just so you know, it took YEARS to accomplish, but I did it.
Years??? How did you have
Years??? How did you have the patience to wait that long?
I love him and I was willing
I love him and I was willing to chip away at the issues one at a time, piece by piece. That takes time. We're going on 13 years together and it's really a day by day thing. We can go weeks, sometimes months without a BM issue so I deal with the issues as they come. It's really all I can do.