I have decided to start a series of Sun Tzu’s "The Art of War" blogs – they are extracts from books, internet, etc. This is mostly for your reading pleasure and a fun way to see how we can use his philosophy in our challenges with dealing with our SO's ex. In no way am I implying that these are viable strategies. There may be some kernels of insights here, but nothing more. I have read them and have given them to my wife to read. In certain instances where we seem to be at an impasse when dealing with my wife's ex, Sun Tzu’s philosophy has aided us.

Before I begin, I should probably warn readers not familiar with Sun Tzu is that he was NOT a nice man. He was however, a military genius whose tactics are followed even to this very day. Sun Tzu lived around 500 BC in China. At the time, China was divided into several feudal kingdoms.

What is interesting to note, is that the king of one of these kingdoms (King Ho Lu) asked Sun Tzu if his philosophy can apply to women. Wars at the time were solely the purview of men. Sun Tzu quickly affirmed that "Yes! My philosophies can apply to women." The emperor was skeptical and laughed at the notion, but Sun Tzu proved it when he assembled 180 palace women into the courtyard and got them to perform military drills with text book precision. The King was satisfied and placed Sun Tzu in charge of all his military campaigns.

Today, Sun Tzu’s philosophies have been applied to a variety of venues where there is a certain amount of conflict or competition (commercial business, professional sports, etc).

Lesson 1: “War is of vital importance to the state. It is a matter of life and death. War can lead to safety or to utter ruin.”

One can view this simply as, “hope for the best, but prepare for the worst”, but Sun Tzu’s lesson is a bit more profound. When Sun Tzu says, “utter ruin” he really means “it’s the end of your life as you know it!”. I’ll try to encapsulate this with an example as it applies to me and DW. DW filed a motion for full custody. DW’s ex also filed for a motion for full custody. Most judges these days favor a 50/50 custody split between the biological parents and that is exactly what happened. While this sounds ideal, sometimes it is not and it is our job as parents (and step-parents) to deal with the fallout of a judge’s decision. I sometimes wish Sun Tzu’s lesson was laid out more plainly for me and my DW beforehand. It wouldn’t change our wishes to go to court (we really had no choice) but I think DW would have been better prepared for the outcome. I am happy with the judge’s decision and the CO imposed. My wife is not. She doesn’t complain about it but each and every holiday (especially Christmas) I have to watch my wife cry and lament over the fact that SS is not with us on these special occasions. I wish I could tell her to chin-up and deal with it. She entered this conflict and this was the result. She must deal with it. At least, that is what I think Sun Tzu would say, but my role as husband takes priority here and I must console her. Maybe one day things will change, but for now, we must deal with the situation as it is. Now days, DW and I take Sun Tzu’s lesson closer to heart. Before we even think of sending the ex an email about something, we first think of the possible fallout. If a possible fallout is something we cannot recover from, then it is best to not deal with the ex at all. Therefore we do not engage in any fight if the risk of loss is too great. Like a good gambler would tell you “Never bet anything you can’t afford to lose.”

Next: Lesson 2 "He who wishes to fight, must first count the cost”