OSD coming to live with us.........what about how I feel

DH told me that BM called and told us that OSD will be staying with us after the summer because she can't deal with her anymore. It really bothers me that she thinks she could just make that decision and DH goes along with it without even asking me he just very nonchalantly tells me. I tried to make him understand how that made me feel and how it affects me too if she comes to live here. He justsays what do I expect him to do say no. I don't even know what to say I'm not ok with this whole situation.

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That's the issue all SM and

That's the issue all SM and future SM need to consider when becoming involved with a "dad". Even if the children do not live with him full-time when we fall in love, things can change. I would warn all future SM to consider if they would mind the kids living with them at some point (while they are minors only). Adult kids NEVER need to come and live with SM if it is not agreed to by all.

I can't really offer much advice except I feel for you. My YSD was a hellion, druggie, school failure, petty criminal etc. She lived with BM and once she got too old for BM to handle her they wanted to ship her over to our house. I said no way! She was around 16 at the time and it would have caused huge problems for us. I told YSD my expectations as well just in case, and probably scared her a bit. She never did come and live with us.

Can you live with this in all honesty? There could perhaps be some kind of contract drawn up outlining rules and expectations and if she doesn't want to live by them, she is NOT welcome.

How old is OSD? Your DH

How old is OSD? Your DH already has a worrying attitude in thinking it's appropriate to TELL you after the fact rather than do you the courtesy of discussing it first. Even if he doesn't feel he could say no he should some appreciation of the fact that this is asking a lot of you in terms of compromise and involvement.

It would be a major change to your household, so if it goes ahead I would highly recommend several summit meetings beforehand to agree groundrules and responsibilities between you and DH. You don't want to be on the backfoot with a rebellious teen. But, it may not happen, BM used to complain that she couldn't cope with 3rd SD but it was always just a flash in the pan. Really there was no way she would relinquish her ownership of her children and allow DH to actually parent them. When 4th SD did eventually move in with us it was entirely against her mother's wishes.

Time to hire a "pool boy" or

Time to hire a "pool boy" or some such. TELL your DH that you've already hired him and he will be living in xyz room.

When your DH says "WHAT? We can't afford a pool boy! Don't you think you should have asked me first???" You can smile sweetly and say "but dear, I've already agreed. What am I supposed to do say NO?"

Then let him stew.

What an inconsiderate dick move on your husband's part. It isn't that he had to say no - its more that he should RESPECT you and your marriage enough to ASK/Discuss with you before flat out agreeing to it. It would have been a great opportunity for you to say something like "well if she's struggling to behave at her mom's - what will WE be doing differently here to ensure she is following the rules?" Ya know?

Gah. I want to throat punch him for you.

although I feel your pain (I

although I feel your pain (I have had that happen to me) as a bm myself, i'll be damned if anyone tells me my dd CAN'T come live with us.

I don't know your story, haven't read up on it, so please don't take anything offensively

my xh called and said "sd wants to come live with us" and she did as the sole supporter of the family, and knowing how I would feel if it were my dd, I hesitantly accepted.

also, with my current ss, bm said basically the same thing. we had two days to prepare for him.....still aren't "FULLY" prepared, but he's here.
btw sd is 8 dd is 10 and ss is 4