Wars with the ex takes its toll on us. We try to not let them get to us, but it does affect us. If it is one thing we must take to heart - after we put our emotions to one side that is - is that every battle with the adversarial ex is also an opportunity to learn a little something on them. Previous conflicts help us to prepare (or avoid) future conflicts. Sun Tzu students have often misunderstood his message when it comes to this. Some believed that Sun Tzu plans, analyzes and strategizes each and every attack. Only after carefully measuring everything does Sun Tzu actually execute an attack. This is not entirely always true. What if there is absolutely no intelligence to be gained on the enemy at all, and the time window is short? Sometimes we have no choice but charge head on with little to no planning. This is why the next lesson is important.

Lesson 4: “The opportunity to avoid defeat lies in our hands, but the opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy.”

I’ll illustrate this lesson from a friend of mine who was in a messy divorce situation once upon a time. He and his ex-wife had to have a sit down to negotiate the terms. He knew his ex-wife would fight him tooth and nail over everything. He also knew that his ex-wife cannot stomach a protracted fight. So my friend purposely engaged her in fighting over little things. As he predicted his ex fought and fought and fought to the point where all the lawyers were exasperated. My friend waited patiently, he gave up a lot of concessions in the fight but the thing that mattered most to him was having custody of the children over Christmas and summer holidays. He purposely waited until the last minute to spring this on his ex. He knew that by that time, his ex would be sick and tired of having to fight with him so she just agreed to his terms.

Him: “Okay I think we are done here. Oh, just one more thing. I’d like to have the kids for the entirety of Christmas holidays and their summer break. Is that okay?”

Her: “Yeah, yeah, whatever….”

Had my friend started this meeting with a discussion about the Holidays, my friend was convinced that he would have lost them entirely.

Sometimes, waiting on the ex to see what they will do is a viable strategy in and of itself. It helps us to determine what it is that they deem is important. Sun Tzu would do this on the field of battle. He makes references to “water, fire, wood, metal, and earth”, which are elements of Chinese astrology. I’ll have to map these elements to explain how they would apply to our situation but I’ll have to take a moment to explain Chinese astrology first. So bear with me.

True harmony is achieved when all the elements (water, fire, wood, metal and earth) are in balance. The elements are in everything we perceive and are also a part of us. These elements also take part in any war. However Sun Tzu cautions that when at war, the elements are never in balance. In truth, one element is always dominant but that dominance alternates “ they predominate alternately.”. Like the seasons, each element takes its turn, reaches a peak and then fades out to give way to the next. A true warrior knows when these elements change.

What does this mean? Well, let’s look at the elements and how they apply in our fights with the adversarial ex.

Wood = morality, virtue (fighting for what you believe is right)
Fire = Aggression, leadership (the will to fight)
Earth = Seriousness, Logical (setting objectives and planning a fight beforehand)
Metal = Manipulation, fixation (Negotiating. The ability (or inability) to compromise)
Water = Empathy, Fluidity (ability to engage and outmaneuver an opponent)

Chinese astrology, like any astrological studies are used to predict outcomes. If you read the signs correctly, then you can make accurate predictions. When in battle, one of these above listed elements tends to take precedence over others. This means that when one element is strong, another element is weak. This is why those who lead a fight with their emotions (Fire) might throw caution and logic (Earth) to the wind. Likewise those who stay solely fixed on one objective (Earth) might lose their ability make necessary changes on the fly (Water).

So like in the above example, my friend’s ex-wife was full of “Fire” at the beginning. My friend just waited for that fire to peter out before he decided to strike.

Look at the last big fights with your SO’s ex and maybe you will see similar patterns. If you were to pick the one aspect of the adversarial ex that you believe is strongest at the start of a fight, which one will it be? For my DW’s ex, it is definitely Metal. He will not, and cannot, negotiate or compromise on ANYTHING. He is also quick to try and guilt trip SS (textbook manipulation). Using this bit of knowledge, it then becomes easy to catch him in a trap of his own making. The premise is simple; give him the illusion that he has control of a situation and then sweep the rug from under him. As Sun Tzu says “the opportunity for defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy".

Now what is good for the gander is also good for the goose. We must not, under ANY circumstance share an ounce of ourselves that may be used by the adversarial ex for their gain. Got a raise? Good for you! Don’t announce it on Facebook. The ex is coming by to drop off the kids? Draw your curtains. You also might want to consider keeping your garbage can out back. I’m totally serious! If the ex sees an empty bottle of wine in your trash bin, next thing you know you are called out for being a raging alcoholic. I once stepped out of the house to run an errand just as Dw’s ex was pulling up to drop SS off. I was wearing a jean jacket with a pin of my favorite rock band. The rock band, is unfortunately known for having members having to go in and out of rehab. Ex puts 2 and 2 together and comes up with “Draco must smoke weed” (and I don’t even smoke!).

Next: “Just as there are only two outcomes to a battle, there are only two maneuvers in battle; the direct, and the indirect. There are however, an endless combination of these indirect/direct manoeuvres”