I've never blogged here before.

I feel so stupid. Recently DH and I had a huge blow up over finding out that he lied to me about money, both business and personal money. There is a long history in our relationship surrounding honesty and money, and ONLY after I married him did I find out that he has this issue.

A huge blow up ensued, in which he threw divorce on the table. We've been married for over 6 years, and in every big fight he is always the one to throw divorce out there, but he does so in a really passive/aggressive way, such as "So I guess this is what you want, huh? You want me to leave?"

Following the fight we had a good few days where he was really attentive, fair, and sadly to say, interested in me. But it's been two days now, and we're back to usual.

For two years I have felt like a basic bother or moderate irritant, and often feel like DH is agitated with me. It doesn't really matter what I do... I can cook or clean or try to make everything just so, but I still feel like I'm the irritation under his skin.

Basically, I feel so stupid for hoping that things had actually changed.

Before we married, we discussed all our debts, credit rating, loans, etc and made a family budget. According to what we worked out we could save $800 a month. A few months in the bills were piling up, there was no grocery money, and my car payment was late. We sat down to figure out where were missing money and he FINALLY tells me- he owes his family $150,000 and he has to pay them $1500 a month!!!

Worse yet- it is partially from money he STOLE from his uncle's business (he was the book keeper) when his ex wife became addicted to drugs and needed fancy-schmancy treatment at some clinic in the mid west. ( As if local places can't do that?) If I had had anywhere to go, I would have left then.

Fast forward two years, and I learn from our handy man that the farm is in foreclosure process. He never said anything. It was over 60 days past due. His excuse? He "didn't want to worry me." He saved the day at the last second, but STILL!!!!

Most recently, I find out all in the same day that not only did he spend $3500 of our savings without so much as saying a word, but he mismanaged our business accounts, AND had 48 hours to pay our property taxes before our farm went to a tax lien sale!!!!

WHY??? Why does he do it? And why do I stay? I'm thinking about just tossing in the towel. I'm only his irritation, until he fucks up and gets his hand smacked for playing around in the money of the business I mostly built.