When I started these blogs on Sun Tzu, I mentioned that he was not a “nice” man. He was cunning, ruthless and devious. In order to win wars, sometimes the victor has to embrace the darker side of his nature. In that respect, I want to analyze Sun Tzu’s next lesson and discuss how it applies to our fight with the adversarial ex.

“Be extremely subtle even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent’s fate”

I remember watching old western flics with my Dad. (i.e. “One-eyed Jacks”, “Hang ‘em High”,etc.)…I asked my Dad if this was what the Wild West really was like. My Dad shook his head and said no.

“You honestly think cowboy heroes and villains agreed to face off against each other at sunset to draw their pistols against each other? Most of the time, the hero, or the villain was shot in the back when he was least suspecting.”

We conjure up ideas in our head of the classical show downs between heroes and villains. That is how Hollywood sells it to us. That is how good stories engage us.

Batman – Joker
Sherlock Holmes – Professor Moriarty
Dorothy – The Wicked Witch of the West
King Arthur – Mordred
James Bond – Blofeld
Neo – Agent Smith
You – The Ex

I’ll pause for a moment to let you relish in the idea of you facing off against the ex on some exotic plane. Oh hell, why not give yourself some superpowers while we’re at it. Maybe a sword too – ‘cuz swords are cool. Captivating isn’t it?

Now wipe the slate clean. Let’s bring ourselves back to reality. But bear in mind that the end result of our fantasy scenario should be no different then the end result of our real conflict. In order to get there however, we must be willing to borrow some aspects of some epic villains in the list above.

What makes a villain a good villain is when there is something about the villain that we can identify with. To me however, nothing beats the villain that is patient, cunning, wise and subtle. I’m talking about characters like Iago from Shakespeare’s Othello, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen from Dune, Senator Palpatine from Star Wars. These are the villains that don’t appear as villains at first. Sometimes they are hiding in plain sight, smiling at you and appear to be gracious, sophisticated – even personable and kind. Yet behind their façade, they are watching, waiting and learning all they can. They set plans into motion; plans that take years to formulate and that are as complex as they are vicious. When the villain finally reveals his true nature to our hero, it is too late...

“The trap is set, the prey approaches, and a long winter is about to descend…” on our hero and the hero is completely unaware! That is the lesson here that we need to take to heart.

Maybe my examples of villains is too abstract, or too nefarious to comprehend. After all, we are not villains are we? Okay. Forget about villains. Let’s look at the world’s apex predators. The tiger, the great white shark, the crocodile, etc. Each of these creatures are truly scary to behold. None of them attack their prey head on. They could if they want to, but they don’t. They lie in wait, watching and waiting for the opportune moment to strike. They strike when their prey is least suspecting.

When we are engaged in a conflict with the adversarial ex, we must borrow this technique from our favourite villains or from the apex predator. Namely, we NEVER reveal our true intentions to them. We never reveal our true feelings either. We never give them any reason to suspect that something is amiss or that we are about to strike. You must place yourself in a position to completely blindside them.

Is the adversarial ex confrontational? Fine. Let them get in your face. Don’t react. Don’t respond. Just walk away.

Sure they might *think* you are a coward to do so. They might call you out. Let them think you are a coward, but never, EVER stop thinking. Remember, in a previous blog entry I stated that every confrontation with the ex is an opportunity to learn something about them. In so doing you must be subtle. Now is not the time to react. Now is the time to gather information. Like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle an image will emerge and from that image you will get the perfect idea of when and how to strike back. That is what Sun Tzu would expect.