My BM is a subtle, calculating bully, and she's ramping it up as FDH and I get closer to our wedding date (in a few months). Here's a little recap before I get to the big issue:

My FSS (9) is awesome. He has always been welcoming towards me and we have a good relationship. I've known him for almost two years and haven't pushed him for acceptance, just let things develop as they would, and it's been wonderful getting to know him. He is very affectionate, wants a tuck in from both me and FDH when it's our week to have him (we are EOW), etc. Now, over the past few months, he's been going through some pretty heavy emotional stuff. He doesn't generally act out negatively but there are some behaviors that have clued us in. Big things are going on in FSS's world.

BM got married a few months back. Overall FSS seems ok with this, and he talks positively about doing things with his stepdad, but there are times when he senses his mom's priorities changing and it sucks for him. BM and her husband are tentatively planning to move, possibly far, and BM has told my FDH that she is considering giving us primary custody if so. Then another time she turns around saying that it might be good for FSS to have the experience of moving, new school district would be better for him, etc. She has dropped hints about both options and we think she might have said some things to FSS to prep him for a change in circumstances (but we don't know what!).

Meanwhile, FDH and I have gotten engaged, and FSS has been getting closer to me. He called me "mom" one evening not long ago which surprised us - he called me that when I first met him a few times but always corrected himself right away, and I hadn't heard it in over a year. This time he didn't correct himself. FDH and I spoke to him about it gently as this is something we haven't encouraged him to do. We asked him why and he said "well she is like a mom sometimes" and then he got really shy. We told him that it was okay to call me that if it felt good and that he shouldn't feel bad about it. We also said he did not have to, and that his relationship with his mom is a special thing and different from the relationship he has with me. He seemed comforted after that, and we plan to let him know he can come up with a special name that only he calls me if he wants to.

Fast forward a few weeks, we're at one of FSS games and he's playing with one of his team mates. The ball rolls over to me and I toss it back to them, and the team mate asked FSS if I was his mom. FSS said "well, sort of" and flashed me a grin (charming lil devil! ). Of course, BM was there at the game as it was her week. I know she heard it. She said nothing but afterwards seemed in a hurry to get going and they rushed outta there. I haven't heard "mom" or anything like it since but he hasn't treated me differently otherwise, so I don't know if she said anything about it.

After that BM went on her honeymoon (scheduled during her week, so we got FSS for an extra few days). She picked him up when she got back and FSS called that night bawling and asking to come back to our house, which he has not done since she first moved out. BM dialed the phone for him and before handing it over told FDH he had to tell him no. FDH would have said that anyway, but she just had to make sure I guess. Just great that FSS had to hear her say that. Poor kid.

So now, lately, BM has been getting a bit nastier towards me. Snide comments and backward compliments, typical mean girl stuff. She actually left FSS's last game of the season halfway through, making a bogus excuse to FSS and then texting FDH after she left to let him know she couldn't stand sitting there with us any longer. Of course, while she and I sat there she was perfectly cordial. So fake!

I think FDH needs to revisit some of the boundaries we've got with her in response. I'm tired of being insulted when she comes over (rifling through papers, commenting on the cleanliness of my living room, etc). She is still asking to borrow money, tools, etc too. He has been glacially slow with some of it because he is afraid BM with start PASing his son. Frankly, I am afraid of that as well and have tolerated more than maybe I should because of it. He's been sllllooooowwwwlllyyy transferring automatic bills and such from the one joint account they have left and saying he's scared to just close it. He is afraid to say no to her because she will badmouth him to their son.

This is driving me nuts! She's treating both of us like shit. FDH is between a rock and a hard place because he feels like he has to do this for his son's sake, but he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't want to feel like he's putting my feelings up for sacrifice because BM is holding FSS hostage. I want him to stand up for me, and for our family. Where do we draw the line with her? It's only going to get worse!