Ok I'll try not to ramble too much but all advice is super super welcome. BM (need I say more) get along fine with her at times but she is a freak!ng biatch to me most of the time I have just chosen to ride the high road. When she drops off SD11 she comes in and usually makes a song and dance over something. Every time we relax the boundaries she starts calling my SO wanting favours etc (most recently was a piece of corrugated iron for her shed!) so here is a record of the last 2years.

Turned up night of my bday 2 years ago and had a row with my SO over SD17 (can't remember why)

Barges into SO house at changeover even though my SO has told her many times not to come in. We slack off cos the girls like their mum to come in and its best for the kids.

When she barges in she usually walks straight passed me and into my SO space and barrages him with questions about what he's up to etc... We live in a small community so people talk about jobs and other changes going on in people's lives and if she hears of something she wants details.

Turned up a couple of years ago and wanted my SO to saw up a tree that had fallen over her driveway. When SO said no but his friend called x was there and he offered she told x no and kept asking SO to try and make him say yes. He didn't.

Came to my house for changeover one evening and was not feeling happy so walked onto my front deck in front of me my bd and SO friend and proceeded to chew SO out over not communicating with her effectively.

there are so many more incidences of this type of thing that if i told all of them it would be huge. Now my SO and I have had a huge fight over her and her bombastic manner. She came in the other night questioning my SO over a piece of tin she had asked him for for her shed. She barely acknowledged me, told SO a few details about SD doctor visit and proceeded to ask questions about what SO was doing. She was also making convo with SS14 (not her son) and getting his new phone number etc so she could have him over for dinner. Then the question on the tin (I know I should grow up its a piece of tin). SO told her that he hadn't had a chance to look for it yet and she asked him to let her know by text when he had it ready. I questioned SO as to why he was providing her with building materials and he claims he isn't. He is in fact just not going to bother as all of the other times she has required stuff from him. I don't see why he can't just tell her no and don't ask him anymore.

I have not said anything to her ever. I have always taken her bs and been nice. I don't like how if she is around she assumes the step mum role again with my SO sons as if I don't exist. SO has asked me to just ignore her and realise she is just an idiot and a fuck wit etc. I am feeling like I can't cope in this situation. I am ready to explode. I can't get a job where we live because employment is nil, it is a small community that I am relatively new too and BM and SO have both been here for over a decade. Everyone is mutual friends with both of them and a lot of the women don't include me because of their relationship with her. All of my friends and job prospects are over an hour away by car and to top it off my bios are all in school here now and don't want to move. I feel depressed and worthless most of,the time and like I don't matter. We have been together for over three years.... How long does it take to blend properly and for this ex shit to stop? Should I say something to BM to back her off as SO has suggested? Any thoughts would be so appreciated.